In the weeks that followed, giving each other a second chance was easier said than done. As final preparations for BAP’s first album went into full swing, the boys had to rehearse all the time. In addition to that, Yongguk had to stay in the studio after everyone else was done, playing and replaying all the tracks they had recorded to make sure everything sounded perfect. To make things worse, the company had decided to put him in a variety show, leaving him effectively no time at all for you. The only times you got to see him had to be under the pretext of swinging by the studios to bring food for the boys, or the occasional night in the recording studio, when he was alone. You felt slightly cheated, seeing as he was the one who had asked to try dating again, but had no time for you at all.

As Yongguk started to get recognized, it got harder and harder. Once, the two of you were taking a walk outside the recording studio past midnight, and he had held your hand. It was a really sweet moment until two girls passed by and whispered, “Eo, it’s Bang Yong Guk.” Immediately, he dropped your hand to greet them. After that, the moment was ruined and you didn’t allow him to when he tried to hold it again. Another time, he had gotten recognized at the cinema, and you had to enter the theatre separately. He ended up having to leave before the movie ended and the lights came back on, and waited for you in the car. Dating had never felt so lonely. And this was all before the official debut date. Himchan was right, things were really only going to get tougher.

Even among the BAP boys, you had to act as if everything was normal and you were just a bunch of friends hanging out. The innocent dongsaengs didn’t question why you were suddenly so concerned about them and bringing them meals every other day, but your actions couldn’t escape your brother’s notice. Every time you so much as handed a napkin to Yongguk, you could feel Himchan’s eyes boring into your head. He even recently developed a habit of peeping at Yongguk’s phone over his shoulder whenever he had a chance. Most times he wasn’t really texting you, but Himchan had gotten his message across: he was watching the both of you.

The two of you developed secret codes and rendezvous points. When you were leaving them to their practice, for example, you would actually head to the emergency stairwell and wait. After a while, Yongguk would make up an excuse like a bathroom break, and meet you there. This way, you managed to get a few minutes to each other before you left. It worked, for a while, until Himchan, not one to be easily outsmarted, caught you waiting for him.

“Ya!” he scolded the moment he caught your deer-in-the-headlights expression. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Leaving?” you offered, trying to make a quick escape.

“Stop!” he ordered. “You better explain yourself clearly today.” He a small paper bag at you. “What was this doing in our recording studio?”

It was the bra you had lost in your one embarrassing, almost-ual encounter with Yongguk. You felt an urge to laugh, but you held it. “I don’t know. It’s not mine.”

“Not yours?” Himchan repeated in disbelief. “You’re the only girl who comes in here when nobody else other than Yongguk is around. You’re hiding here waiting for him to show up. You expect me to believe you?”

“I can’t make you believe anything you don’t want to,” you said stubbornly. “But it’s not what you think and I’m not waiting for—”

Of all the moments he could have chosen to make his entrance, Yongguk chose this time to open the door. His eyes darted from you to Himchan, before he apologized and backtracked.

“Bang Yong Guk!” Himchan demanded before he could make his escape. Feeling playful, you held out the paper bag to Yongguk. “Himchan oppa wants to know where this came from.”

He took the bag, took a look in it, and his whole face flushed. This dude obviously could not tell a lie. He gave it back and shook his head resolutely. “I don’t know.”

Himchan sighed and started one of his lectures. “It’s not that I want to interfere with your lives. You two are grown-ups now and can make your own decisions. I just wish that you would make wiser choices and think of the consequences before you act…”

That night, the two of you laughed about it in the recording studio.

“You should have told him you secretly cross-dress,” you suggested. “He would have backed off immediately. Now he’s just gonna be convinced that he needs to monitor our every move.”

“Let him, I don’t care,” Yongguk dismissed, enveloping you in his arms and squeezing you tightly. “I missed you.”

You closed your eyes, breathing in his warm scent. It was weird how you actually saw each other so often, but missing each other was always the prevailing emotion in your relationship. These moments where you had time to bask in each other’s company were getting rarer and fewer. “He’s right though. The odds don’t look so good for us. What if you guys get really famous and fans start camping out here? I wouldn’t even be able to come in here anymore.”

As usual, he chose not to address your bouts of pessimism. Releasing you, he flopped back into his chair and pulled a notebook from the table. “Look, I brought this old notebook where I wrote my lyrics. I want to show you what I wrote about you when I was really mad.”

You didn’t like the sound of it, but you were curious anyway. “I even wrote the melody for this one,” he said, pointing out a page titled ‘Voice Message’.

“You want to be a main character in a sad melodrama

Even so, we can’t be

You’re so fake, it’s so obvious

Other guys are comforting and hugging you

Just imagining it disgusts me,

Automatically making me laugh

Every day, I’m part of these arguments

That leave me short-breathed

I’m tired of giving in to your unconditional

Standards, you’re just that much selfish

I’m all good without you girl

Thanks to you, my memories have turned dirty

You are erased in tattoo

I have no regrets, I have none


Don’t even think that I’ll be waiting for you


I have no lingering attachments, I have none


Because I gave you everything already


Things can’t be turned back, you’re not here


Because I don’t have an ounce of emotions left


I will cry my eyes out 
and erase you afterwards


Now time to say goodbye”

You couldn’t decide which to feel sadder about, the fact that there were so many misunderstandings you didn’t bother to clear up, or how hard he obviously tried to erase your existence from his life. You smiled sadly and fiddled with a little lock of hair that was sticking out behind his ear. “Why didn’t you release this one then? Instead of ‘I Remember’?”

“I had new angry feelings after I ran into you on the ‘Going Crazy’ set,” he said simply, grinning. “And also, this one makes me sound a bit pathetic.”

“Your description of me is too much,” you complained. “Do you still think this of me?”

Yongguk shrugged and scooted away, not answering the question.

“Ya, Bang Yong Guk!” you protested. Then, as an afterthought, you added, “You can release these songs, you know? Since they’re your honest feelings, I’m sure they’ll turn out well. Just don’t go around telling people they’re about me. I might get stoned in the streets.”

He just laughed off your worries, smiling at you in a way that made you feel like nothing else mattered.

“Ya, write me a nice one,” you demanded. “I need something to redeem me among all these songs that make me sound like an evil witch.”

He continued smiling in that carefree way. “What makes you think I didn’t already write one?”

“Did you? Let me see it then.”

“We recorded it,” he said smugly. “It’s coming out in the album.”

You narrowed your eyes suspiciously. “Really? How did you do it so quickly?”

“It was supposed to be ‘Voice Message’ on the album,” he explained. “I changed it because I didn’t want you to come screaming and slapping me again.”

“Don’t change it, I don’t care,” you insisted huffily.

He laughed, and pulled you to him again to placate you.

“It’s called ‘Secret Love’.”