You sighed and threw your phone down on your bed. You’d looked at the photos that Yongguk’s sister had posted at least a dozen times in the past hour, and each time, your heart still did that thing where it felt like it was sinking down into your stomach. The dinner that Natasha had invited you to had happened, and they’d all looked so happy in her photos, all three Bang siblings and Natasha’s boyfriend. You didn’t know what you were expecting when she said she’d talk to him. Did she really talk to him about you? What could she have said? Did you still harbor that faint bit of hope in your heart that she’d convince him to take you back? You scoffed at your own foolishness.

You buried your face into your pillow and let out a long, frustrated scream. Then you sat back up in your bed and stared into the semi-darkness of your room. The resounding echo of absolute silence bounced off the walls. You’d stopped crying yourself to sleep at night, and now you were in a phase where you felt like you were losing your sanity. Your moods mostly oscillated between depressed and angry, but sometimes you felt so stupid that you found yourself hilarious, and you’d laugh so hard at yourself that you cried. How dumb were you that all your thoughts revolved around a man who no longer wanted anything to do with you? Why were you doing something as ridiculous as stalking his sister’s social media updates to check up on what he was doing? What were you, fifteen? And most importantly, why was your apartment so ing small? Feeling claustrophobic, you kicked off your sheets and got to your feet.

Grabbing a hoodie off the back of a chair, you pulled it on top of your t-shirt and shorts and slipped on some shoes before heading out of your door. Not too long ago, you’d been in a similar situation and there was one place that had helped you clear your head.

Minutes later, you were pushing open the creaky door that led to the rooftop.

It was windy and a little cold despite it being summer, and you were glad you’d thought to pull on a jacket. You stepped out into the cool night air, taking in a deep, refreshing breath. Just as the door slammed shut loudly behind you, you spotted the back of another person leaning over the parapet. A thin wisp of smoke rising up from his hand signaled that he was smoking, and you moved in the opposite direction so you wouldn’t disturb him. However, the sound of the door swinging shut alerted him to your presence and he turned to look at you. Your eyes widened in shock when you saw his face.

It was Yongguk.

You locked eyes with each other for what seemed like ages even though it was probably two seconds. You contemplated turning and running back to your apartment, but decided that would be too weird. He offered you a small smile and you found yourself moving towards him. That was what a normal person would have done in a completely normal social situation… right?

“Hey,” he said when you came up beside him.

“Hey.”

There was an awkward silence and you looked forward at the bright lights below you. From the corner of your eye, you could see him staring at you, as if he too were contemplating his next move, but you pretended not to notice. A few moments passed. He cleared his throat and stubbed out his cigarette, and you turned to look at him. “I thought you quit smoking years ago.”

He shrugged and looked down at the crumpled cigarette , his brow furrowing and his lips pursing together. He spoke so softly that you almost didn’t catch his answer. “I thought I did too, but it turns out there are some things that you just can’t quit.”

There was more silence as you pondered the meaning of that sentence. Was it supposed to be loaded with meaning? Was it what you were (kinda) hoping for? You sighed, getting tired of over-analyzing his every move. “You shouldn’t start again.”

“I know.”

He leaned on the parapet with his elbows, looking straight ahead, and now it was your turn to study him. The circles under his eyes and the hunch of his shoulders made him look worn out, and you thought you saw a weary sadness in his eyes.

“Speaking of quitting,” you said, causing him to turn to you. “I… I tendered my resignation today. Just thought I’d let you know. Director Kim said I have to finish up whatever’s left for the BAP album, but he’s agreed to let me leave after we’re done.”

He stared silently at you with an unreadable expression for a long time. “You don’t have to quit because of me.”

“I know,” you replied, half-mocking.

He nodded. “If you find it difficult working with me…”

“I don’t,” you said quickly, although that was a blatant lie. You could tell that pity was starting to enter his voice and you didn’t like where this conversation was leading. He was the last person you needed to start treating you like a wounded kitten.

“Good,” he continued. “It might be a bit awkward in the beginning, but I think we can maintain a working relationship. It’s been going pretty okay so far.”

Okay? You must be doing a good job of hiding your agony then.

“It’s not about you,” you stated, furrowing your brow. “I just need a break before I go back to school in the fall. I might go on a short vacation or something.”

“Oh.” He fell silent and you slipped your hands into your pockets. Maybe you shouldn’t have mentioned the vacation bit. It reminded you of him promising to take you away on a vacation not too long ago, and that reminder hurt. You spotted him looking down at your hoodie when you tugged it tighter around your body, and you mentally kicked yourself. It was the one he’d bought you when he was touring in the States. He noticed that you’d caught him looking and he blushed slightly, turning away.

It just reminded you of how hard it was trying to detach yourself from Yongguk. In the past six years, your lives were so entwined that it was hard to fully extricate yourself without having to divide the spoils of war. It wasn’t just clothes and stuff; you even had children together. If you wanted a clean break, you had to be decisive, but that also meant that you were slowly cutting off the option of getting back together. You weren’t entirely sure what you wanted, really. Your mind was such a mess that thinking sapped your energy. You’d predicted that it was going to come down to this, which was why you’d opposed the idea of fostering kids together in the first place. Now you had to divide the duties like you were getting divorced. It was crazy.

“Um, the kids sent us some letters,” you said, thinking of the pile of letters that you’d just gotten in the mail from Cambodia. “I’ll bring them into the office tomorrow if you wanna see them.”

He nodded. “Sure. Thanks.”

“I might be moving into a hostel on campus when school starts back up,” you told him, resignation in your voice. “I’ll write to the organization to change the mailing address of the letters. I don’t know how we should do this. Do you want me to take over the sponsorship of all the kids, or do you want to divide them up so you take some and I’ll take the rest?”

He frowned. “Why would you do that?”

You blinked at him. “Well, since we’re not living together anymore, how are they going to send us letters?”

“They can continue to send them here or to the office,” he answered simply. “You can pick them up yourself or get Himchan to pass them to you. Otherwise, you can have them first and pass them to me. Why would that be a problem?”

You sighed. “You don’t think there’s a problem with a bunch of orphaned children calling us their parents? I still want to sponsor them, and I don’t want it to be an issue when you start dating again. I wouldn’t want your next girlfriend to come to me demanding why we still have children together.”

That made you think of Hyerin. You hadn’t thought of her in a really long time, but since you and Yongguk were breaking up, you had to deal with the fact that he was going to date again. Thinking of Hyerin reminded you of the many storms that the two of you had weathered together over the past six years. You’d been separated and found your way back to each other countless times, but this time, it felt different. You’d always left first, and he’d always been waiting for you to come back. Now that he’d given up on you, looking at him was like looking at a closed door. It hurt like nothing you’d ever experienced before, but you didn’t know what you could do to make the pain go away. Tears prickled at the back of your eyelids as all your thoughts raced through your mind, and you turned away so he wouldn’t see you breaking down.

“I have no intention to date again anytime soon,” he said quietly after a while. “There’s still a lot to be done with the band, and I really just want to focus on my music. You don’t have to worry about that. We’ll just leave the situation with the kids as it is, and one day when I do start seeing someone, we’ll discuss this again, okay? I really don’t want to drag the kids into our mess.”

You just nodded, not really trusting yourself to say anything. You took a few deep breaths before turning away from the night view. “I’m heading back down,” you said, your voice thick with emotions that were threatening to burst forth. “I’ll see you in the studio tomorrow. Goodnight.”

You walked away from him quickly, not giving him a chance to respond. Coming up to the rooftop had been a mistake after all. It didn’t make you feel any better at all. In fact, it made you feel worse. Getting over Bang Yongguk was the hardest thing you’d ever had to do.

“Again.”

Zelo had just pulled off his headphones and was about to exit the recording room when the statement made him freeze in his tracks. His eyes widened like a deer caught in headlights and he took a few uncertain steps back, putting the headphones back on.

You looked at all this happen from your position on the couch. Yongguk was sitting at the soundboard with the recording engineer, Minhee, and his expression was dark. In fact, everyone’s expressions were dark. It was the second all-nighter in a row that you’d pulled thanks to Bang PD the perfectionist. You were wedged between your brother and Daehyun, who was sleeping with his head back and his mouth open. Youngjae was dozing in a chair a few feet away, while Jongup sat on the floor at the foot of the couch, hunched over his iPad. The anime he’d been watching was still playing, but he was fast asleep.

The music started up and Zelo burst into his rapid-fire rap again. You had to give it to the boy. He never lost his energy even though it was probably the twentieth time that night that he was recording his part. He was barely five seconds in when Yongguk sighed loudly and cut the music.

“Again.”

You lost your patience and stood up, causing your brother’s head to fall from your shoulder onto thin air. He woke up with a start, looking bewilderedly around him as if he’d forgotten where he was. Your sheet music was crumpled in your hand as you stalked over to the soundboard, but you didn’t need it anyway. You’d listened to the song being recorded so many times that you could memorize every word, every note by heart.

You threw the papers down onto the table. “What’s wrong with what he’s doing? Why are you making him repeat his part over and over again when we could have used, I don’t know, the last ten versions we recorded?”

Yongguk glowered at you from his seat as Minhee shook her head at the two of you. “His pronunciation is off,” he insisted through gritted teeth.

“Please enlighten me, which part exactly?” you demanded.

“Let’s not argue about this,” Minhee interrupted, clearly running on a short fuse as well. “I’d like to go back home today.”

You felt yourself being pulled back by Himchan and shoved back down on the couch. Everyone’s tempers were frayed, but you had to admit, arguing with the producer was only going to waste more time. You sighed loudly as Zelo started rapping again. This time, Yongguk kept silent until he was done. The maknae stepped cautiously out of the recording room, uncertain if he was going to be sent back. He made it to the couch before Yongguk spoke again.

“Kim Himchan, you’re next.”

Himchan left and Junhong replaced him in the seat beside you. He looked utterly exhausted as he picked up the iPod that Himchan had left behind and started fiddling with it. Daehyun’s light snoring beside you had picked up quite a hypnotic rhythm and you felt your eyelids get heavy.

“Again.”

Your eyes snapped open again. The word was grating on your nerves. You shifted your position and noticed Junhong snapping a photo. He managed to get the back views of Yongguk and Minhee in the frame. You watched as he typed in a caption.

“Because it’s scary, who else would do it? It seems like the only word he knows how to say is ‘again’.”

Then, as an afterthought, he added the hashtag “#DirectorBang” behind it. You held back a laugh as he posted it, after which you realized that he was posting it from Himchan’s Twitter account. He gave you a mischievous grin, holding one finger up to his lips and you smacked him playfully, wagging your finger at him disapprovingly. He held up the device again, gesturing for you to lean in so you could take a selca together. The photo came out looking horrible, since you were both bare-faced, wild-haired and too exhausted to even smile properly. You leaned over to try to delete the photo, but he pulled it away from you and set it as Himchan’s wallpaper instead. Both of you tried to muffle your laughter behind your hands, but Yongguk snapped around to glare at the two of you. For the first time, he seemed to notice that other than you and Junhong, everyone else in the room was comatose. He scanned the room and sighed before turning to Himchan, who was looking out of the recording room quizzically. Your poor brother probably expected to record his part as many times as Junhong had.

“Let’s wrap for today,” he said finally. There was no response, since almost everyone was fast asleep, but Junhong quickly scrambled to wake everyone up before Yongguk changed his mind. The next few minutes was a flurry of activity as everyone started packing up and shuffling out of the studio.

Somehow, you found yourself alone with Yongguk as you tried to gather as many of your things as you could and shove them into your bag. He stood up and stretched, yawning widely. You ignored him, continuing to pack. He stood beside you for a while, not saying anything. When you’d zipped up your bag and was about to follow the rest of the boys out, he stopped you with a hand on your arm.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You look a little pale lately.”

“I barely slept in two days because this guy that I work for, he thinks everyone is a machine,” you answered sarcastically. “He thinks that just because he survives on three hours of sleep a night, everyone else should.”

He stared at you for a moment. “Well, if you want to finish this album before you go back to school, you’re gonna have to work a lot harder. I can’t afford to have you falling sick right now.” Then, he picked something up from the table and handed it to you. You looked at the small packet in his hand. It was a Red Ginseng herbal drink. You stared at it as if it were an alien.

Was he serious? What was he playing at? You crossed your arms over your chest, refusing to take it. “I’m fine. Thank you very much for your concern.”

You tried to walk past him, but he held onto your tote bag, slipping the packet in. Before you could even protest, he quickly walked ahead of you and was out of the door in a few seconds.

What the hell just happened?

You stood frozen for a moment, bewildered. What did he think he was doing? You don’t just dump someone and then try to take care of them. It was way too soon after the break-up to even try to be friends again, and the last thing you needed was for him to give you false hope. You didn’t realize you were staring into space until Daehyun poked his head back into the studio.

“Noona, you coming?”

Author's note:

Extra long chapter since I made you girls wait so long! Titled after the Block B song because they're my latest obsession. Zico <3

Have you all watched BAP's One Shot Japanese PV? GUNS. LEATHER. CHAINS. PUSH-UPS. I swear there are not enough words in the English language to describe how it makes me feel aasdsafdgsdsgdsagda God, I love these boys. Return of the push-up dance = arm muscles! *drools* 

Thanks for commenting/subscribing/voting as usual! Infinitely grateful for all your love!

xx.