After you left, I lost control

I am drunk every night

And stumble around spitting out curses

Because I think of you, who was cold

I feel dirty I overflow in anger, and scream

Your face that appears in the cracked mirror

It seems like our love has broken into many pieces

I stand at the end of this tiring cliff, and

Rip apart the memories I had with you

I don’t have them

What can I do, what can I do


I get lost in a maze and stay in that spot


What can I say what can I say


It’s becoming blurred, I can’t see your face

I can’t move in the darkness

I can’t feel anything, tears fall down


I’m trapped in memories of you, no


Please hold onto my hand, so that I can wake up

Please don’t go

Why did you throw me away like garbage


Just why can’t I do anything


Just why, why, why do I throw all of the memories I had with you everyday

I’m sorry, I can’t help it


I can only look at you like this

You not being here,

Not being by my side


My heart stops, it’s the same as being dead


I can’t breathe, living without you


I don’t even want to think about it


Believe me, I can’t if it’s not you


It hurts so much, I think I’m going to go crazy


Your scent is deeply soaked


I think my heart’s going to explode


Even when I cry and cry 
and throw a tantrum, saying that this isn’t it


You, quite cruelly, say nothing

What can I do, what can I do


Even if I struggle to wake up, I’m in that spot


What can I say what can I say


We loved, you were my everything

I can’t move in the darkness


I can’t feel anything, tears fall down


I’m trapped in memories of you, no


Please hold onto my hand, so that I can wake up


Please don’t go

Why did you throw me away like garbage


Just why can’t I do anything


Just why, why, why do I throw all 
of the memories I had with you everyday

You breathe inside of me, I’m looking for you


I want to hold you


Since my heart is burnt up,


I can’t hold back any more, because I might die

I can’t move in the darkness


I can’t feel anything, Tears fall down


I’m trapped in memories of you, no


Please hold onto my hand, so that I can wake up


Please don’t go

(Lyrics from: http://kromanized.com/2013/02/11/rom-eng-lyrics-b-a-p-coma/#sthash.2eAaYnV7.dpuf)

It was another lonely night and you were listening to some of BAP’s new songs because Jiwon had asked you to listen to them. These were the songs that were going to be released in their next album, and he wanted you to look at Yongguk’s writing for reference because he felt that Yongguk’s writing always had a clear theme and evoked a lot of sincere emotions. He had joked that Yongguk wrote very well because he was very damaged by his past relationships, and you couldn’t even laugh, knowing that you were the one girl who was responsible for all the pain that inspired his writing. Even though he’d been dating other girls for a while now, you could tell that in this album, he was still writing about you.

You swirled a glass of wine in your hand (yeah, it was one of those nights) as you read the lyrics along with the song that was playing. Could you say you regretted leaving? Was he right to say that you’d run away because you were scared? What were you scared of? Did you really run because you didn’t want to face difficult situations? What did it mean for the two of you then? Did you still want him or was it over for good? But he had a girlfriend now. Did it mean that he was over you? Thinking so much hurt your head, but you forced yourself to confront your own thoughts. You couldn’t keep shelving all these feelings away every time you didn’t want to feel them. You were working yourself into a bout of anguish when the doorbell rang. Expecting Himchan or Daehyun, you opened the door.

Instead, it was Bang Yong Guk who stood outside.

“What do you—” Before you could even finish your sentence, he grabbed you and crashed his lips onto yours. Startled, you pushed him away and he collapsed in a heap on the floor.

He was drunk.

“What the hell?” you demanded, staring at him in shock.

He stayed on the ground for a moment, as if he was wondering how he’d ended up there. Then, he looked up at you with hatred burning in his eyes. “Am I trash? Is that why you keep throwing me away? Am I nothing to you? Why do you keep doing this to me? Why?”

You poked your head out of the door to check that none of the neighbors were outside since he was raving like a madman in the middle of the night. “Oppa, please don’t do this. You’re drunk. Go back home.”

“Do you still take me as your oppa?” he continued yelling at you, still on the floor. “Do you even remember that I’m human? Or am I just trash to you?”

Embarrassed, you shut the door behind him and tried to help him up. He waved you away and lurched to his feet by himself. Then, grabbing your shoulders, he stared straight into your eyes. “Tell me. What the hell am I to you?”

You struggled to break out of his grip, but he seemed stronger than normal now that he was drunk. “Oppa, please…”

Then, his mood changing drastically, he pulled you into a tight embrace. “Hana, you know I can’t live without you. Please don’t leave me.”

You managed to squeeze your arms in between your bodies and shoved hard against his chest, forcing him to release you. “Oppa, don’t do this. You have a girlfriend!”

“You have someone else, don’t you?” he accused you, flaring up again and grabbing your arm. “Tell me who is it! Is it the guy at the airport? What did you do with him the whole year? Wait, don’t tell me! It’s Daehyun now, isn’t it?”

“Are you crazy?” you yelled back at him, irritated by how he was manhandling you and flinging ridiculous accusations at you, drunk or otherwise.

“Yes!” he answered, pulling you roughly again. “Because of you I’ve gone crazy! I’m crazy!”

“What do you want from me?” you demanded, losing your cool and pushing him away once more. He stumbled back and hit the wall hard. He stood there, momentarily dazed, and you instantly regretted it. You took a step towards him. “I’m sorry…”

Without warning, he turned and hurtled towards the bathroom. You followed, turning on the lights behind him as he fell to the floor and leaned over the toilet. Remembering how he’d taken care of you when you were drunk, you knelt beside him and rubbed his back while he threw up. When he was done, you brought him water and wiped his face with a towel.

He was calmer by now, but still slightly delirious, and it took you a lot of effort to drag him off the floor and deposit him in your bed. As he lay there, you considered calling the boys to carry him back, but it was 3 in the morning, and you knew they were all tired out from having to practice till late recently. Sighing, you decided to sacrifice your bed for just one night, and proceeded to remove Yongguk’s shoes for him. For a moment, you contemplated relieving him of his tight jeans as well, but decided against it. Times were different now. He was someone else’s boyfriend, not yours. Instead, you just pulled the covers out from under him and placed them over him. As you were tucking the covers under his chin, his arm shot out and he grabbed your wrist.

“Don’t leave me,” he mumbled, his eyes closed. “Please. Don’t leave me.”

It broke your heart to see this strong, masculine man reduced to a vulnerable little boy, and in that instance, you wished you’d never left him, never subjected him to all that emotional turmoil. “I’m here,” you said reassuringly. You sat on the bed beside him and his hair until his grip relaxed and his breathing stabilized. For a long time, you remained in that position, watching him sleep. It felt almost as if nothing had changed.

When you opened your eyes the next morning, you were lying in your bed. The last you remembered, you were in a sitting position, but somehow, during the night, you must have gotten comfortable. Then, remembering Yongguk, you turned over. He was still there beside you, fast asleep, an arm slung around your waist. It felt oddly comfortable yet wrong at the same time. Awkwardly, you tried to slide out from under his arm without waking him.

You failed. He woke up.

You froze, staring at him as he opened one eye tentatively, and then the other. He caught you looking at him, and he held your gaze for a moment before slowly withdrawing his arm. “Sorry,” he said quietly.

Still not daring to move, you answered tentatively, “It’s okay. You took care of me once when I was drunk. We’re even now.”

“We’ll never be even,” he said, his voice cold. You remained silent, not knowing what to say to that. It was really awkward, since both of you were lying down and talking to each other, but the atmosphere was frosty. After a beat, he remarked, “You’re wearing my shirt.”

You blushed. You hadn’t realized that. At first you wore it to remind yourself of him, but after a while, it just became a habit. “It’s comfortable,” you said. “I can wash it and return it to you if you want.”

Sitting up, Yongguk let out a harsh laugh. “This is so typical of you, isn’t it?”

You sat up too, annoyed that he was behaving like this again. “What?”

“You do all sorts of things to mess with me, and then you pretend nothing has happened,” he accused, his voice dripping acid.

“I’m messing with you?” you repeated, shocked. “I’m not the one who showed up at your door at two in the morning drunk off my and abusing you verbally, and then expecting you to take care of me!”

“Why take care of me if you don’t care about me then?”

“Did I say I don’t care?” you asked in exasperation, finding it hard to believe how ungrateful he was being. “I… I’m not having this conversation with you. Get out of my home. Now.”

“Of course. Just run away from the problem again. Typical Kim Ha Na.”

“I’m not running away!”

“Confront the problem then,” he taunted, gesturing to himself and moving closer to you menacingly. “The problem is sitting right here in your bed. Confront it.”

Once again, he had rendered you speechless. You sat there, outraged and breathing hard in frustration, but you couldn’t think of anything to say in reply to that. Yongguk continued to stare at you, challenging you with his eyes to do something. When you didn’t, he closed the gap between the two of you, cupping your face with one hand and bringing his lips to yours.

Startled, you shoved him away. You felt a sense of déjà vu. It felt like last night again, except this time he couldn’t still be drunk. A few seconds passed as you stared at him incredulously, wondering what the hell was going on. Without waiting for you to string together a sentence, he moved in again, this time tangling his fingers in your hair roughly and holding your head in place so you couldn’t resist. He didn’t have to try very hard. Your resolve melted away as the tingling in your lips spread to the rest of your body and your brain ceased to function.

How could you resist this guy?

It wasn’t until you felt his hand sidling up your inner thigh that your mind snapped awake. Reluctantly, you forced yourself to brush his hand away, turning your face away from him breathlessly. “Bang… I can’t.”

The frustration was apparent on his face as he touched his fingers to your chin to tilt your head back towards him. “Why not?” he demanded. “Don’t pretend you don’t want this too.”

You did want him, more than anything, but you couldn’t ignore the fact that he was attached to someone else. Your voice betrayed your anger as you answered him. “Why not? Because you have a girlfriend, Bang Yong Guk, that’s why! What the hell do you think I am?”

“She’s not the one I love,” he said fiercely, eyes blazing. “It’s you, Hana. It was always you.”

You could feel your insides melting, and you knew you were about to cave, but at the same time, you knew you couldn’t. As much as you’d screwed up, he’d done too much to hurt you intentionally and you couldn’t bring yourself to forgive him. “Didn’t you move on from me long ago? When you got together with Park Gyuri?”

Yongguk looked away for a moment, and then let out a short, bitter laugh. “That was a lie. I didn’t date her.”

“What?”

“I didn’t date her,” he repeated. “The members and I made that up to get you to come back. Kim Ha Na, give yourself some credit. Do you think it’s so easy getting over you?”

That revelation stunned you. You’d totally bought it, and it accounted for so much of the misery you’d felt the past few months. What really annoyed you, however, was how nobody told you even after you’d returned. Although come to think of it, it might have had something to do with how you’d pretended to be strong and uncaring. Despite your annoyance at having been lied to, you couldn’t deny the immense relief that came along with that confession. “I’m going to kill Himchan oppa and Jongup. Sorry, but you’re going to have two less members.”

“I shouldn’t have made them lie for me.” He rubbed the back of his neck, clearly frustrated. “I was just so… angry.”

“What about Hyerin? She’s real.”

Yongguk hesitated. “I don’t actually know her that well. We crossed paths a few times at broadcast stations and she showed a lot of interest in me. When I knew you were coming back, I asked her out so that I could make you jealous. It’s stupid, I know, but I just wanted to see if you cared.”

“You’re such a jerk, you know that?” you asked, your eyes b with tears. You couldn’t tell if they were tears of anger or relief. Maybe they were both. “Of course I care! Do you even know how unfair this is to me? Do you even know how much I’ve cried over you?”

“You think it was easy for me?” he argued, his expression fiery. “Did you not do the same with that guy at the airport? With Daehyun?”

You couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the absurdity of what he’d just said. “I’ll admit that I did make use of that guy at the airport a little bit to piss you off. But Daehyun, are you crazy? You think I was using your dongsaeng to make you jealous? Are you serious? You think too poorly of me.”

He matched your stare for a moment and sighed. “What are we doing? We’re grown ups. I’m turning 24 soon. Why are we doing this?”

“Why are you doing this?” you directed the question back at him. “I’m not the one who’s dating someone else. Oppa, did you not think that she might be hurt when she finds out you’re making use of her?”

“I didn’t think that far,” he admitted, looking perplexed. “It’s all your fault. You’re always doing all these things that make me lose my mind.”

“Don’t blame me,” you shot back. “I bet you were seduced by her charms.”

“I’ll break up with her today.”

“That’s not what I—”

“I’ll break up with her today,” he repeated firmly, taking your hand. You were too wearied to resist, and said nothing. “And then we’ll talk about us. No more running away. No more games.”

Instinctively, you felt afraid. You were afraid to harbor the hope that everything was going to work out, for fear that they didn’t. Lifting your hand out of his, you made to get out of bed. “Go home, Bang. I have to go to work.”

Yongguk grabbed you by the shoulders and pulled you into a hug, clinging to you tightly as if he were worried that you were going to be on a plane elsewhere again if he let you out of his sight. His husky voice was firm and filled with determination when he spoke.

“I’m not letting go so easily this time.”