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Yoochun

Something is definitely going on between Jaejoong and Junsu.

I take a mouthful of my cereals and glimpse at the ceiling as hoping to see what is going on up stairs.

Whatever it is, I guess it’s the best not to meddle in their stuff. Every time I tried I just made it worse. This time I won’t interfere. No way.

But exactly that moment I hear them yelling like crazy. I get up and slowly climb the stairs, worried that the fight might get out of control. As soon as I reach the upper floor Jaejoong rushes past me, me just looking after him, not sure what to do.

I enter Junsu’s room and see him pacing angrily up and down. Instead of saying something I just stand there stupidly, not knowing what to do.

“What do you want?” Junsu hisses as he sees me.

Now come down again. Why attacking me now?

“I just wanted to make sure everything is alright.”

He laughs without humor at my comment.

“Making sure everything is alright. I’d say it’s too late for that, you dimwit.”

“Why are you insulting me now? What did I do wrong?” I ask him offended.

“What you did wrong.” He says more to himself and thinks for a while.

“I guess it’s me who caused it in the first place. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“What?”

Do you mind being a bit less cryptic? ‘Cause I don’t follow you one bit.

“Never mind, Chunnie. It’s better this way. Believe me.”

He looks very depressed now sinks on the bed. His elbows leaning on his thighs support his upper body, while he stares at his hands.

I really don’t get what you are talking about, Su.

“Can you leave me alone for a bit? I need to think.” He says not looking up from his hands.

“Ok.” I say as I turn around and shut the door behind me.

I am being left out again. Why am I always the one that knows nothing?

I go downstairs again and finish breakfast. I still have a bad headache so I take some painkillers.

For some time I try to occupy myself with something, but in the end I switch from the TV, to listening to music, to reading the new volume of One Piece … It’s hard to focus when you worry about two people who are dear to you. I just can’t keep focused so I decide to go to the studio to practice a bit and try to find a concept for my new song, where parts of it keep wandering around my head.

As I arrive the building is empty and I feel more relaxed to know that I can spend some time by myself. I head to the practice room and turn on my MP3 player with the instrumental version of our album songs and start to sing. I am not satisfied with my performance at all so I sing it over and over again until I am hoarse. Just then I allow myself to take a break. My mouth really feels dry so I go downstairs to the vending machine and get a drink.

By chance I take a look at the clock. Just then I notice that it is already past 8 p.m.

Did I really practice this long? Oh right. Did Jaejoong come home already?

I pull out my phone from my pocket and give him a call.He doesn’t pick up even after the third try.As I am about to head back to the practice room I see Amelie walking in my direction waving, the phone still glued to my ear starting to feel uneasy. I just nod my head to greet hear and dial his number again.

The dial tone makes my heart speed up with every peep. Finally he picks up but he says nothing.

“Hyung? Are you alright?”

I can hear him sniff his nose.

“Where are you?”

“I am ok.” He says with a hoarse voice.

As if you are. Who are you trying to kid, huh?

“Where are you? I’ll come and get you.”

I try to make out some sounds that could help me find him. Finally I can hear water flowing.

“You don’t have to. I am ok.” he says and just hangs up on me.

“Hyung? Hello? He hung up on me.” I say a bit pissed.

“Eez somezing wrong?” Amelie asks, making me realize that she still is there.

“Huh? Oh, no.”

She looks at me one eyebrow raised in disbelieve.

Somewhere with water. Water. I have no idea where to look for him. Hey but…

“You live here right?”

“Yes. Why?” she asks surprised.

“Is there any lake, river or something like that around here?”

“Yes, zere eez a river.”

“How can I get there?”

“By bus. Zere is a bus stop in front of ze studio. It eez only one bus going from zis station. Just take that.”

“Thanks. I’ll be going then.”

I rush upstairs to get my stuff and hurry to the bus station. Just like one could expect in a situation like this I miss the bus by some seconds and have to watch it drive away. I look at the time table lighting it with my phone to make something out in the darkness.

No! I have to wait for 30 minutes? What the hell is this?

I wait nervously hoping that Jae hyung doesn’t go somewhere else in the meantime. Finally the bus arrives and I get a ticket. “Um, where do I have to get off to get to the river?”

“It’s just 5 stops. You see the river right next to the station.”

“Thank you.”

I take a seat at a window and count the stops. Finally we reach the fifth one where I get off and immediately start to look for hyung. I can’t see him anywhere around and decide to go upriver. The farther I walk the darker it gets because the street lamps’ light can’t reach the river bend anymore.

Suddenly my phone rings and I pick up without checking the caller ID.

“Where are you?”

“Su?”

“Yes.” He replies angrily.

“What is it?” I ask, still concentrated on searching the area.

“Where are you?”

That moment I hear someone singing lowly. At first I can’t make out what song it is because the person singing is crying too hard. But then I recognize it.

I let my hand drop down, the phone still in my hand.

“Chun? Chun?!” I can hear Su shouting.

I walk closer to the person. The singing becomes more audible and I can make out the silhouette of Jaejoong, crouched into a ball.

“I'm holding back the tears” he sniffs.

“ Mugeopji anhge naui maeumeul” now his voice cracks.

“maego georeoyo Gakkapjinahgo meolji anheun gose Dareun naega seo-ittjyo nan ulji anhayo…” he stops at this point, not able to continue cause of the hard sobs.

“Hello? Chun?” Su’s voice sounds from the phone.

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Junsu

The whole day I try to collect my thoughts and bring myself to think reasonable. But ignoring my anger is not that easy.

What am I going to do? Why did this happen in the first place? Is it true that Yoochun forced himself on Jae hyung? It is possible. When he is drunk there is no chance to escape him when he really wants to.

But why did he do this? Is it my fault? Did I push him into hyung’s arms by breaking up?

Aaaah! It’s driving me nuts. I can’t even ask him in person. Or should I just ask him?

No! I can’t. He wouldn’t be able to take it. He wouldn’t forgive himself if he really made hyung cheat on Yunho.

Like this I keep debating with myself the whole day.

I keep wandering the house until the point I feel so suffocated by it that I go for a walk, not noticing where I am actually headed. At some point I end up at the studio and decide to go inside and play the piano in the practice room. As I stand in front of the door I hear Yoochun singing in there. I listen to him for a while wondering if I should wait for him to finish and then talk to him. But I am still not sure if it would be a good idea to actually tell him.

In the end I leave without talking to him, heading back home. While I wait for him to return home I watch TV, but in fact I have no idea what I am watching. I stare at the clock every now and then.

Is this stupid clock broken? It’s not working, is it?

Watching the time passing so slowly makes me annoyed. But then as it finally starts to pass I am not content either. It’s really late already and Yoochun didn’t come back home yet. Neither did Jaejoong.

At 9 p.m. I can’t take it anymore and give Yoochun a call.

“Where are you?”

“Su?”

Of course. Who else should it be?

“Yes.” I reply angrier than I indented to.

“What is it?” he says not really paying attention to what I was saying.

“Where are you?”

No reply.

“Chun? Chun?!” I yell into the phone.

But then, I hear something in the background. Someone is crying.

No someone is singing. Singing Chunnie’s song. More or less. The person obviously is crying bitterly.

That’s hyung’s voice.

I am shocked to hear him crying like that. I feel numb, not able to think properly. As I recollect myself I try to get Chun back on the phone again.

“Hello? Chun?” but then he hangs up on me.

I try to call him again and again, but he doesn’t pick up.

Half an hour passes until I hear the main door opening and rustling sounds from jackets. As I want to check a strong hand pushes me back inside the living room shoving another person after me and closing the door. I can hear the lock snap shut.

I rush to the door and try to open it, but as expected it doesn’t. I hammer against the door and yell.

“Hey open up you jerk! Yah!” but it’s useless. I hear Yoochun’s voice from the other side of the door.

“I won’t let you out until you finish your business. You better make up fast or else you have to rot in there.”

“Yah! Open the door. Now!”

“No. I’ll be going to bed now. You talk.”

I hear him walking up the stairs. I kick against the door too hard, that my toes hurt.

Jae sits on the couch, with red eyes.

We keep silent for a long time. No one wants to start the unpleasant talk.

“Su. I am sorry. I really didn’t mean that to happen.”

I snap for a second and punch him in the face.

“Sorry, but I had to do that.” I say not really feeling sorry at all.

“I know.” He says and rubs his jaw.

“I am sorry.” He repeats.

“I know.” With that I sit down next to him and sigh.

“I gave it a long thought today and I guess I can’t put the whole blame on you. I know that Chun can be forceful when he is drunk. And I made him this way in the first place. He was just looking for comfort, maybe.”

“To tell you the whole thing… he thought that I am you. He kept calling me Su.”

What? He did? I… he… really?

Hyung could see the surprise on my face and smiled slightly. But his eyes still kept showing his true feelings. Pain.