Junsu

„Hi mom! Hi dad! I’m home!“  I say as I put off my shoes after entering my parents’ house.  I put off my jacket and head straight to the kitchen where my mother is.

“Hello son.” she says and smiles at me. “It’s so nice to see you more often now. Have you been eating well? You look so thin.” she says and examines every centimeter of me. I chuckle at her saying this phrase every time I come home.

“Yes mom. I have proper meals every day. But they won’t ever surpass your cooking.”

“Aw, you’re such a sweet talker. Dinner will be ready in half an hour.”

Can I help with anything?” I ask and look around the kitchen, but as usual, everything is neatly clean and in order.

“No, there isn’t. Why don’t you go upstairs? Your brother is in his room.”

“Alright mom.”

I walk up the stairs and knock on Junho’s bedroom door.

“Yes!” I hear his muffled voice from inside the room and I open the door and walk inside.

Junho sits on his bed holding the remote control in his hand and looks at me in surprise.

“What happened to you?”

“What? Happened to me?” I ask.

“Since when do you have manners and knock on the door before going into my room?” he says acting surprised.

“Ha, ha.  Make some space.” I say and shove him aside so I can sit next to him.

“Did Yoochun manage to teach you some manners?”

“Would you cut it? Is Yoochun my nanny or what?” I say angrily.

“I’m not so sure about that sometimes.”

“Whatever.” I say sourly.

Luckily I don’t have to act as if I was still single and that there is nothing going on between Chunnie and me. My mother knows about it too. She told me when we were on a holiday about 2 weeks ago. It was the first time for the four of us to go on a holiday since I became a trainee. It didn’t feel real at first, just like when Yoochun had told me about his feelings for me. It is a feeling of lightheadedness and pure glee.

My mom and I went on a walk and we had a long talk.

                “Junsu. Can I ask you a question?” she asks me.

                “Mhm.”

                “Are you in a relationship with someone?”

                I look at her a bit surprised and I can feel my heart beating quickly. My hands start to sweat.

                “Uhm… In fact… actually…” I stutter not sure if I should tell the truth; or rather, if I can.

“You know, I wish for you to be happy. If you suddenly want to be a salesman, or decide to become a woman. No matter what, I will support you. And your father definitely will do so too.” she says. I look at her as she looks at me with a warm smile, assuring me more than with words that she will always be there for me

I take a deep breath and just say it. “Mom, I am in a relationship with Park Yoochun.”

I look at her face, afraid she would find it disgusting, but there is nothing more showing on her face than her warm, loving smile.

“When did you realize your feelings for each other?”

After she broke the ice, we had a talk from mother to son and I was incredibly relieved and happy that my mother didn’t think I was a fail as a son.

“Isn’t Yoochun in Japan at the moment?” Junho asks me as we watch TV.

“Yes. He is. With Jaejoong.” I say, not able to hide my gloomy mood.

“Didn’t you meet before he went?”

“No. I had rehearsals. There just is no time for us to meet.”

“Then give him a call or write him a message if you miss him.” Junho advices me what makes me even gloomier.

“As if I didn’t think about that myself. It’s just that he always gives me the feeling that I am bothering him when I write him, so I try not to disturb him.”

“No. I don’t think that’s true. I guess you just overreacted again.”

“You don’t believe me? Then look here.” I say and look through my phone for his last reply to my text.

“I wrote something like: ‘How’re you? I hope you’re not too stressed out. Please take care in Japan and I miss you already.’ And that’s what he replied.” I say and show him Chunnie’s message.

                       “I’m really busy. Of course. I’m not a child that as to be told something like that.”

“Ok. Now I get what you mean.”

The nest moment there is a knock on the door and our mother tells us to come downstairs to have dinner.

We go down together and take our seats around the table. Dad is already sitting at the head of the table and is reading the newspaper.

“Hello Dad.” I say.

“Hello Junsu. It’s nice could make some time to come over for dinner.” he says and puts the newspaper aside.

“Watch out. The pot is hot.” mom says and puts the pot with the soup in the middle of the table. The whole table is loaded with many dishes and I can feel my mouth watering at the sight of my mom’s delicious cooking.

She takes her seat and we start to eat. I literally dig in and enjoy the food.

“Junho, how are the preparations for your debut?” mom asks my brother.

“It’s going well. Sometimes it’s exhausting, but it’s alright.”

“I really don’t get why you want to lead the same exhausting life as your brother Junho. “Dad joins the conversation.

“I just love to do this kind of work.”

“I don’t understand you. But a parent doesn’t have to understand their children to love them. As long as the children are happy, their parents will be as well.” He says and gives me a strange smile and a wink.

I give Junho a Does he know?-look, but he just shrugs and continues eating. I watch my parents exchanging smiles and turn back to their food.

Did I miss something out, or what is going on here?

Jaejoong

Why won’t the time hurry and pass by a bit faster until I can be of use again? I want to start working again. I want to make this tour into something special. Will I be able to meet the expectations of the people? What am I to do if I can’t satisfy them?

Thoughts like these torment me since a long time now.  It’s hard to get this annoying voice in my head to shut up, and it’s driving me crazy.

At least I got something to do again. I felt incredibly happy as I was assigned the position of one of the directors of our upcoming world tour, but I still have to wait until I can finally start occupying my mind with other things, than worries.

Right now I would like to dive into the noisy daily life of Seoul, so all the things around me keep me from thinking too much about those bothersome things. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to listen to this voice anymore. But how is someone like me supposed to walk the streets in peace?

So the buzzing noise in my head won’t come to an end? I can’t take it anymore.

Annoyed I take my laptop and switch it on. Next to me lies the remote for the hi-fi equipment, I take it and turn on the music, letting the sound sink in.

I check my twitter account, that is as usually flooded with messages from fans. I read some of the fans tweets. Most of them have the same content, about the fans declaring their love for me. Even though I know that these are just empty words, regarding that they can’t possibly know me and therefor never love the real me, I feel smoothed by those words. It always gives me a feeling of security, that there are people who like me and who want me. This way the fear of ending up all by myself disappears for a short while.

Then a message catches my eye.

                “Oppa~~!  You are the best. I hope to see you at your next concert. Please watch out for me~”

The next concert.  

Soon I will have a task again. I will be of some need and I will be useful again.

“Hi hyung.” Junsu calls from the corridor, interrupting my train of thought. I turn down the volume of the music and look at Junsu in surprise.

“Su? What are you doing here?”

He turns around the corner and walking up to me to take a seat across from where I am sitting. I put the laptop next to me on the sofa.

“I am visiting you?” he says a bit amused. “How is it going? How was the shoot in Japan?”

“Uhm… alright. It was fun. I met with some friends after the shoot. It was good to see them again.”

“And how was Yoochun?” he asks me a bit cautiously.

“Chunnie? He was fine. Aside from the fact that he kept checking his mobile every few minutes to not miss any calls or messages from you.” I tell him this on purpose to make him feel a bit bad, even though I do understand why he doesn’t write him that often.

“Really? He did? But, then why are his replies like this?” Junsu asks me, looking rather confused.

“You know him. Sometimes he is really clumsy when it comes to expressing his feelings. He is a blockhead.”

“Argh. Why can’t he just tell me properly? He really loves to play with me a little too much.” 

“If you don’t like it, then don’t let yourself get played with.” I advise him like a real big brother would do.

“Ha. You’re being funny, huh? You know what Yoochun is like. How could I not get played by him? I guess it’s way easier with Yunho hyung.”

I can see on SU’s face that he is feeling depressed.

You seem really bothered by it, huh, Su? Now I feel bad for him, regretting to have .

But I wouldn’t say, that it’s going any smoother with Yunho. Why is it so hard to endure this situation, even though I knew beforehand that it would be just like this?

Su seems to have noticed the chance of look in my face, since his voice suddenly sounds softer and he wears a consoling look.

“Hyung. I’m sure everything is alright. I know it’s hard but at least we can see them on TV soon.”

“It’s hard to watch them how they force themselves. I got so many things I have to tell him. It’s bothering me so much. I can’t get those things out of my mind. I really oughta find some way to get rid of these bothersome thoughts. It won’t lead anywhere if I continue like this.”

“Soon there will be an opportunity. But you need to be more patient.”

“I know. I do know that. But it still is hard.”

That awful feeling of despair is creep up on me again, now that I was forced to think about it again. All those unspoken things between Yunho and I; I am sure that it will be bad for our relationship if those things keep lingering in the air around us. I still feel the guilt throbbing at the bottom of my throat, caused by this one thoughtless night. This night I couldn’t bring myself to believe that there was still a way for Yunho and me.

Su watches me curious as I silently think for myself staring into space.

“What are you thinking about?” he finally asks me.

“Oh. Um. Nothing. It’s nothing important.

The next moment Junsu’s phone rings and he picks up.

“Hey, Yoochun. What is it?”

I can hear Yoochun’s muffled voice coming from the phone, but I can’t make out what he is saying. The only hint is Su’s features that slowly changes to an annoyed expression.

I listen to him talking on the phone, waiting for him to finish.

“What is your problem?”

“Am I not allowed to make my own decisions?”

“Let’s not discuss this on the phone. I will come over.”

“Don’t act so childish. I’m on my way, ok?”

“Yes. See you in a bit.”

Su hangs up angrily. He shoves the cell phone into his pocket and gets up.

“I have to go now.”

“Alright. It’s better to discuss it in person with him, whatever it is.”

I get up too, to see him off.

As the door closes behind him, I look at the empty apartment and immediately turn the volume of the music up again.

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