http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmKUUpab2JU  

Yoochun

I wake up, my heart is racing as if I just finished a marathon. I look at my cell to check the time.

3:35 a.m. Great.

Yet another dream about this nightmarish day, which was supposed to become a happy memory.

It was Kim Junsu’s Birthday, and for that occasion I’d prepared a party. I didn’t invite too many people since his place isn’t that spacy and to be honest, I didn’t want the guests to stay for too long.

I know that might sound egoistic, but when it comes to their loved ones, people grow to be incredibly selfish. And up until today I am no exception.

Junsu was still in bed sleeping while I prepared everything for the party. He was terribly tired at that time. Since we’d left SMent Su had been a bit too eager in composing music to relieve stress and forget about his constant thoughts that kept whirling around Yunho hyung and Changmin. He is too much of a softy, so he gets hurt easily as well as feeling wronged. Him overreacting is nothing new to me, but that time was just too much.

That day, I woke him with a soft ‘Wake up, Su. It’s time to get up.’ followed by a gentle kiss on his bare shoulder. He turned around, and looked at me sleepily.

“How did you sleep?”

“Good. What time is it?” he asked with a husky voice.

“It’s 4 in the afternoon.”

He crawled out of the bed and went outside. Not the expected sound of joy was what I heard, but just the muffled noise of the bathroom door, closing behind him followed by water pouring out of the showerhead.

That very moment I felt that something was different. Usually he greeted me with a kiss after waking up, and under normal circumstances he would have been happy seeing his living room packed with birthday decorations, a cake in the center with lit candles on top. A bit disappointed I Ieft the bedroom and sat on the sofa staring at the cake and listening to Su showering. He didn't even ask me to join him, but I decided not to push him.

Then one by one the guests came, and Su was back to his old self. I shoved my worries aside and joined the party. It felt really good to see Su laughing and not pulling a worried face. That sole reason made me forget the bad feeling from before and we all celebrated the best day ever, Su's birthday. Jae and I started to play drinking games and after some time Jae was completely drunk and I felt very dizzy as well. At about 3 a.m. everyone except Jae - he had fallen asleep and I brought him into the bedroom - had left and Su and I started to tidy up the bottles. As I watched him picking up trash I suddenly felt the urge to embrace him. I hadn't done that for the whole day. I approached him and gave him a tight hug from behind followed by a kiss on the neck.

"Not now. We have to tidy up that mess." he said.

"But we can do that tomorrow. It's not as if it will run away until then."

He pushed my arms away and continued to through trash into the plastic bag he was holding in his hand. Now the alcohol made me lose my temper a bit sooner as usual.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?", Su answered annoyed.

"You behave like a complete stranger today."

"I do what?"

"You ignore me. You didn't kiss me even once, nor did you touch me."

"So what? Do I have to be in the mood to let you have me every day?"

Now I started to become really mad. What did he take me for? A beast only longing for that one and only thing? Didn't we spend time together just talking or doing nothing often enough?

"Have I ever pushed you to do anything you actually didn't want? I always try to make you happy and to consider your feelings."

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" he yelled at me.

"Why are you like that all of a sudden? Did I do something wrong?"

The next second he threw the trash bag on the floor and looked at me angrily.

"It's not just you! Everything is wrong. I thought we could have a real relationship as soon as we left the agency but that's not the case. We can never make our relationship public. No one will ever accept that. I want a relationship I can make public, where I can actually marry my partner, have a family”

I was dumbstruck. I had never noticed that Su thought like this. I thought it was clear from the very beginning that we could never lead a relationship like 'normal' couples can, nor have kids. But I had always thought that we were enough for each other. That our love was enough to compensate for those things. As I caught myself again I tried to clear things up.

"I thought that was clear? Of course we can't have all that but I thought you were ok with that?"

"How could I be ok with that?" He started to yell at me.

"I for my part don't care about that because you are enough for me."

He kept silent, what made me alarmed.

“Could it be that you don't love me anymore?" I asked with a cracking voice. The only answer I got was an 'I don't know.'

After that the fight continued and ended with me rushing out after Su said to break up. I was really hurt. Hurt so much that I couldn’t even cry, just apathetically staring at the same spot of the ceiling over my bed until I fell asleep.

I try to accept your decision. Out of love. All I want for you is to be happy, and if letting go of you would guarantee that, I will do so. 

Jaejoong

I felt so weak this entire time, since we left Yunho and Changmin with SMEnt. I am constantly worried if they have to pay for our betrayal. But me wondering is actually completely useless because I know that they do and will suffer a lot. Not just because of SMEnt but because they will push themselves to revive their career that Yoochun, Junsu and me set to an abrupt end. We knew that all five of us would suffer and that it wouldn't be easy at all. Nonetheless I think that we made the right choice. But my weak self - which only a few people seem to notice - is kind of an obstacle at the moment. I can't help it but to escape all this every now and then and now my best friend became someone else.

Aside from that Junsu and Yoochun had a big fight the other day at Junsu’s birthday party. I just heard them yelling at each other and Yoochun rushing out - I had been asleep because I was drunk again.

Junsu usually overreacts but this time he really went overboard. Our situation is hard enough as it is. On the other hand it was that situation that made him throw a tantrum in the first place.

I can't help it even a little bit to lighten the burden on their shoulders since I am so weak myself. I can't even accept help from anybody at the moment because I can't bear anyone to see how lost I am. You are my only companion right now.

I look at the empty soju bottle on the kitchen counter and sigh.

Now that I think about it, I guess I have to take the role as the hyung and have a man to man talk with Yoochun. I know how he feels perfectly well right now after all. I dial his number and wait for him to pick up.

"Hey Chunnie. Can I come over to your place now?"

"Yeah sure." He sounds very composed as I expected.

"Then I'll be going now. See you in a bit."

I hang up and grab my stuff and leave for Yoochun’s place. On the way there I think about what to say to him but my mind drifts to other topics over and over again so I can't really concentrate on anything.

My phone rings. I pick up without looking at the caller ID. So the message I am going to get will take me by surprise.

"Hello Kim Jaejoong sshi?"

"Yes that is me. Who is it?"

"My name is Elias Clark. I am Kayne West's Secretary. I am calling because Mr. West wants to confirm your arrival date for the recording session."

"We will leave as scheduled."

"Ok. I will send someone to pick you up from the airport then. I'm looking forward to working with you."

"Thank you. Me too. Good bye."

My mood lightens up a whole lot, getting a reminder of our album recording in the states this month. Finally being able to work again helps me a lot but I still couldn't recover from the past few months that were dominated by court visits, countless rumors, fights between fans and isolation. We had no other choice but to keep away from the public for some time and to cut ties with the past including moving to new places, new phone numbers… all that made it impossible to keep in touch with Yunho and Changmin.

I need to keep myself from thinking about the depressing things all the time and concentrate on the good things that lie right ahead.

As I open the door to Yoochun's apartment I can hear the TV and automatically go into the living room to drop myself on the sofa right next to him.

"What are you watching?" I ask him. He looks troubled and nervous but I don't point it out knowing how he must feel.

"N...nothing special." he says hastily, switches off the TV and throws the remote on the sofa.

"I got a call from Kanye's secretary. He confirmed our arrival date. He will send someone to pick us up from the airport."

"Ah, is that so. Great." he says without his usual excited tone when talking about our plans for the U.S. It was his second home after all and it has been a long time since his last visit.

"You don't seem that excited. Is something the matter?" saying that I try to make him tell me himself about what happened. But since he didn't even tell me about their relationship I guess that attempt is useless.

"I'm just in a bad mood. That's all." He looks troubled.

Do you really think you can deceive me Yoochun? I have known you for such a long time already.

"Chunnie. Why not be honest?"

"What do you mean?"

Playing dumb huh? It was so clear you will say that.

"You and Su had a fight, right?"

"Is it that obvious to you?" He laughs without humor.

What do you take me for Chun? Of course I know.

"Chunnie, listen. I know that it's hard, but we need to stick together. It's an important period for us. We will spend a lot of time together, so..."

"It's not that easy this time, hyung."

"I guess so."

"What are you talking about?"

Still keeping it behind the bush, you stubborn child. If that's the case...

"Your relationship with Su."

He looks at me shocked.

"You knew about it?"

Is it that surprising to you?

"Of course I did. So you breaking up is final."

Chun stares at his hands with a sad look in his eyes.

"I know how you feel."

Damn. Why is my voice shaking suddenly? It affects me too much. Just don't start crying.

It's hard to keep the tears in when your feelings overwhelm you.

We spend the leftover time with silently pretending to watch TV while in truth, the both of us are in deep thought.