Jaejoong

I try to go on with my work I was at before Chunnie called me but this strange call from Yoochun takes me aback forcing me to take a break and stop working on my composition for now. I wouldn't be satisfied with the outcome anyway. I stretch myself and get up from the chair. The only sound are my steps my feet make when I walk over the cold stone floor. I stop in the middle of the hallway and take a look around me. It's silent until my ears adjust to the quietness and I hear the faint ticking of the wall clock in the living room. I close my eyes and I hear someone from an appartment near mine turning on the water tap.

I hear my breath lowly and even; in sync with my heart beat. The stone under my feet gets warmed by the heat radiating from my bare skin and for a second it seems as if the world is slowing down giving me a chance to take all these tiny things around me in. 

I open my eyes and find myself standing there in an empty appartment staring at an empty wall. I realize that I don't even know who the water. I don't really know my neighbours. The clock in the living room; I usually never pay attention to it. I never check the time at this one, but on my cell phone. I bought it because I thought it looked cool and that it would fit with the other furniture. 

My heartbeat; I usually don't like listening to it. It makes me feel insecure. It gives away too much of what is actually going on inside of me. Being too aware of it might cause me losing my control over myself. I would end up being showered with questions for which even I don't have a satisfying answer. I don't want to think about it for too long. People like me the way they see me now.

"Why would I want to change that?" I whisper. 

I make myself wake up from the trance. I take a deep breath and shake my head slightly. I need to make myself stop thinking about disturbing things like that, and the best way for me, except for music, is cooking. 

In the kitchen I put out a pot and fill it with water and place in onto the stove. I notice the remote control lying on the counter next to the vegetable I got out of the fridge and I turn on some music. I cut vegetables and meat into pieces and I sing along with the songs on my i-pod. By the time I finish chopping, the water in the pot boils and I put in some spices and add some of the small pieces from the chopping board. I stir a bit and watch the food swirling around in the boiling water. After a short while I turn down the heat. I put a lid on the pot and start getting the dessert ready as well. I cut some fruits and mix them.  plan to top it with ice cream. To keep the fruits from turning brown too fast I put them in the fridge. 

The next moment I close the door to the fridge the door bell chimes. 

Who might that be?

I walk to the door and take a look at the screen next to the door, showing me who is standing in front of my door. 

Why didn't he just come in?

I open the door and Yoochun is standing in front of me, giving me a look I don't really understand.

"Come on in." I say. I watch him taking a insecure first step inside. Something seems strange. In fact incredibly awkward. I am alarmed at his behaviour, since I have absolutely no idea ...

Maybe... no... It doesn't have to be that. It could be a simple fight between him and Su.

The door closes shut behind me with a clicking sound. 

Yoochun now is turned to me and I look into his dark eyes.

"Hyung. I need to talk to you." he says in the most serious tone making me feel even more anxious. I gulp.

"Alright? What is it?" I ask him trying to hide my anxiety.

"Let's go inside. I don't think this kind of thing should be discussed between shoes and jackets." he says and goes ahead into the living room where he takes a seat on the couch. Yoochun seems very tense and shifts back an forth to find a comfortable position to sit. I sink down on the sofa opposite of him, never looking away from him.

"Hyung. I am going to ask you something, and I hope you can give me an honest answer." 

I try not to think about all the possible things he could ask and just nod, waiting for him to finally reveal the reason for all of this. But I have to wait some more nervewrecking moments until he finally asks me the thing I have been afraid of.

"Did we have ?" 

"What?" I whisper surprised. I clearly heard him, but the words just won't reach my brain so I can actually understand them.

"Did. We have ?" he asks again avoiding me gaze.

Now I don't even have to ignore the beating of my heart; it stops beating for a moment afterall.

Yoochun

My heart is beating like crazy as I wait for his answer, but he only looks at me without a readable expression on his face. I slowly start to feel sick from my hard beating heart. It jumps in my chest like a Flipper-ball. It has been like this since the moment I stood in front of his door. I was not sure whether to just walk inside like I always do, but for some strange reason I didn't and rang the door bell instead. I don't even know myself why I felt it would be better to not just walk in casually like I usually do. Afterall this situation just isn't like the usual ones.

Jae hyung finally opens his mouth but instead of saying something he nods barely noticeable. Even though I already knew it, my heart drops. My hopes for a stupid misunderstanding that can be easily resolved vanish in the blink of an eye. Like they do so often; those naive hopes, that make one fall in an even deeper black whole. 

My tension eases, my limbs lose all strength and I rest my face in the palms of my hands. I feel Jaejoong sitting down beside me.

"Yoochun..." he says weakly and hesitantly rests his hand on my back. I wince at his touch and he pulls back his hand. I breathe in deeply to calm down. 

"How?" I say in a faint whisper. 

"It wasn't your fault. You were drunk and..."

"Don't you tell me this too. This. Is no excuse." I say desperate now. 

"I don't understand you. All of you. Why do all of you say that it wasn't my fault when I..." I break off; my voice won't work anymore.

"Because it wasn't. Yoochun. You were drunk, and you came into my room."

"I don't want to hear... I don't want to hear it!" I yell and jump up from the sofa. "I don't want to know it." 

I turn my back to Jae hyung. I can't look at him right now. I do know what happened. I remembered after all. 

"You don't. Have to tell me. I know what happened." I say all tense again.

"I guess you don't know the whole thing if you are like this."

"Huh. I do know!" I yell at him again. I really am not in the position to be angry at someone right now, but I can't help myself.

"Do you know who you thought I was? Do you?!" he says a bit fierce to bring me to listen to him. I don't answer him, just keep on to stubbornly stare at the wall in front of me.

"You thought I was Junsu. You kept calling me Junsu. You merely mistook me for him. It was partly my fault for not stopping you when you.." I spin around on my heels as I hear him saying that. I look at him in disbelieve.

"What? I did...?" 

So maybe I didn't really betray Su... Still it doesn't change the fact that I slept with hyung. It is and will be a fact if I want or not. 

"You see. Yoochun. I know, keeping it from you was a stupid idea. It was clear that you'd find out sooner or later. I am sorry."

"Why is everyone apologizing to me?"

"You can be awfully stubborn, do you know that?"

I huff at JaeJae, but he doesn't let himself get irritated by me.

"We did something wrong too. All three of us are at fault that it turned out the way it is now." he says. He looks at me softly, comforting.

"Hey. You know why Junsu wanted to keep it a secret? He wanted to be with you. He feels responsible for this since he hurt you by breaking up with you."

I feel even guiltier than before. Now I even cause Su to feel responsible for something where there is absolutely no reason for him to feel this way.

"He just wants to be together with you. Happily and leave behind all these. Things." hyung explains to me.

"Maybe you are right. But even so, I feel so guilty and dirty." I look at him and suddenly realize what I just said.

"Hyung. I... I didn't mean to... I didn't mean it that way..."

"I know. Don't mind too much about me." he says with this gentle smile of his.

"I can't look him properly in his eyes. I can't act as if nothing happened."

"I know what you are going through. Believe me. I do know very well. But if you love him get a grip on yourself and have a proper talk. Forgive yourself. If not for your own sake then do it for Su."

I give him a desperate look and tears sting my eyes, but this time I am able to hold them back. Hyung meets my eyes and comes over to me. 

"I hope this isn't too awkward for you now..." he says and gives me a comforting hug.

"Just push me away if you feel uncomfortable." he says softly.

"It's alright. I don't mean to offend you, but I so don't find you ually attractive." I joke and I feel a little better. 

I am not sure if it will work out as smoothly as Jaejoong is saying, but I really do hope that he is right.

"Oh, !" he suddenly yells and dashes off. "My food's burning!" he screams as he rushes to rescue his cooking.

Yes. Maybe it will all return to the way it used to be. Please. 

Merry Christmas my lovely readers, subscribers and those who spare some time to write comments ! ^^

I know it took me even longer to update this time. But writing a smooth chapter while feeling like I can only move forward when rolling around is a bit hard xD

Thank you for waiting. I hope you enjoy it.

Stay tuned for the next few ones, it will get a bit more exciting again ^^ Hope it's not too late for a new turn in this story ^^

love you ♥