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Jaejoong

Some situations make me wonder what to do, but in the end I don’t think too much about it, just handle it spontaneously.

Like the other situation right now at the bar.

I successfully dissolved it and brought Yoochun out here with me, even leaving my glass of Wodka-Bull behind.

But I can’t help it when knowing that Su is not aware of the fact how Yoochun feels for him. At some times he is just too dull to notice how much people care about him. It would have hurt Yoochun too much, and I really don’t want my dongsaeng’s heart to be torn apart like mine… ending up in the same spot. The place where I am, is isolated, and as far as I experienced in my life, being lonely is the worst feeling ever, hard to ignore or overcome. I don’t want someone else to drift away like me.

We are standing on the sidewalk, and I absentmindedly watch people pass by us. Some actually turn around and whisper, obviously wondering if they saw right, but no one dares to actually ask us.

“Come with me.” I say and head to some nearby convenience store.

“Are you hungry?” he asks me innocently.

“No.” I say as if that wasn’t the obvious. “You owe me. I had to leave the party and my drink. So you be my drinking companion. Your treat of course.”

I wander through the shop collecting different bottles of liquor and some snacks.

As I pack them onto the counter Chun looks at me in disbelieve.

“You really need all of that?”

“Yes, Chun I need all of that.” I say mockingly.

“How are the two of us going to finish all this?”

Now I have to chuckle.

“Don’t you worry about that Chunnie. You just worry about paying.”

He pulls his wallet out of his back pocket giving me a judging look. I guess the main reason is that the amount to pay exceeds 100 $. I take one plastic bag – the light one with the snacks in it – and hand Chun the other.

“How long are you going to make me pay for you helping me tonight?”

“Hm… I don’t know yet.” I grin at him and we head out waving for a cab to take us back to our place.

Currently we share a house with the luxury of having rooms to ourselves. It still feels unreal to us; this kind of feeling of freedom linked with realizing our dreams. One of the reasons might be the still ongoing lawsuit against SMEnt overshadowing the good sides. Especially for me.

We arrive at the house in a few minutes. Inside we unpack the things we just bought on the couch table.

“I’ll get us some glasses.” Chun says and heads to the kitchen.

“Bring some bottle openers too!” I shout after him.

As he comes back I already have a bottle of beer in my hand taking the bottle opener from his hand and remove the bottle cap. I down the bottle in one gulp and place it on the table.

“Give me a glass please.”

Chun looks at me in a strange way and hands me a glass which I fill with some Jacky and give it to him. I take another one fill it as well and we clink our glasses.

The both of us chug it just to refill right after and chug the whiskey again.

“You feeling better now, Chunnie?” I ask him concerned.

He shrugs his shoulders and stares into his glass.

“Dunno.”

We stay silent for a bit and I keep on drinking while Chun starts to eat the snacks.

“Actually I don’t know a thing at the moment.” He empties the glass again and moves to a bottle of beer now and drinks half of it in one go.

“You mean because of Su?” I keep on drinking not bothering to take a glass anymore and just drink the Jacky like that. I already feel the alcohol raising my spirits and loosen my tongue. Chun obviously feels the alcohol affecting him.

“What other reason is there?”

“Our general Situation you dork. We frequently get kicks in the . And we don’t know what happened to Yun and Minnie. And…” Chun interrupts me.

“Yes, yes. I know that, but that will resolve. Didn’t the five of us agree to the plan? Didn’t we promise?”

“Still. Not being able to contact them at all…”

“We knew that that would be the case, didn’t we? And we have to keep in mind that they are not free in a single way. Not in what they do or what they say.”

I try to drop that topic again. I really don’t want to discuss this matter again. My mind knows that all Chun said is the truth, but my heart is completely incapable of acknowledging that. And not even alcohol can raise my mood when it got dragged down by this specific matter.

I sit down on the floor next to him and like this we keep drinking silently for a while until I pick up the thing about Su again.

“So, do you think you can handle Su being with someone else?” I ask him cautiously.

He sighs heavily and stares at his hands that rest on his knees. He obviously is drunk now. His head unsteady until it ends up lying on my shoulder.

“Hyung, why do I love him so much? And why does he love me not enough?”

“Enough for what?”

“For overseeing that I am male.”

“So that was the reason?” I ask, not able to believe that Su would end it just because of that.

“Yes. He said so. He wants a girl, and a family, a relationship he can make public one day.”

Chun has his eyes closed now, the alcohol making it hard for him to keep the control over his body.

“If you have a choice considering that, why not take the easy way?” I say feeling depressed.

“What choice do I have when it comes to who I love?”

“You can still fall in love with a girl, Chunnie. Time can help you healing.” I take another sip from a fresh bottle of beer. I feel depression creeping its way to my heart.

“I don’t have that choice left. Even if I could let go of him I would still be left in the same spot.”

“I know, but you would never let go of hyung. You are destined to be together.”

Sadness now has got me in a tight grip and slightly suffocates me so I quickly change the topic.

“You loved a girl before, right?” I ask Chun.

“Mhm…”

He is about to doze off on my shoulder so I give him a push to wake him up again.

Chun looks at me confused then rubbing his eyes like a little kid.

He really can be so adorable.

“Is it any different to kiss a girl you like?”

The look on his face tells me that he is thinking about it hard.

“Different. It is I’d say.”

“In what way?”

I am getting seriously curious now to know about this.

“Kissing Su always was like fireworks, electricity, sweetness… I don’t know how to properly explain. I guess you have to experience it to understand.”

“You really can’t explain it to me?”

“Hm… kissing a girl is like,… like… I don’t know how to describe it. Passionate but still in another way as kissing a guy passionately. I don’t know. You have to try it yourself.”

Watching Chun recalling these feelings make his cheeks flush a bit and his lips’ red intensifies. Me loosing self-control due to the alcohol rushing through my body, making me lose sense isn’t much help as I try to suppress the lust growing bigger in my chest. Unconsciously I get closer and closer to him. As he looks my way our noses are about to touch. I can feel his warm breath brushing over my face as we look into each other’s eyes.

“Why don’t you show me if you can’t put it in words?” I whisper.

“I… I don’t know.” He whispers back.

“But I want to know. Please.” I say with a low voice as I breathe hard because of my fluttering heart.

I close my eyes and close the space between us. Our hot lips touching softly. Rather than a kiss it’s a peck on the lips, but I am not satisfied with that. I continue with a real kiss and wait for Chun’s response for which I don’t have to wait long. We move slowly, switching the lead back and forth still not deepening the kiss. We sit there on the floor, our lips the only connection between our bodies. I can feel waves of heat rushing through my body making me sweat slightly. I completely lose track of time and space.

I break the kiss for a second.

“Why are you so shy, Yun?” I whisper breathlessly. I open my eyes and my heart stops beating for a moment.

Yoochun

My mind is blank. The next thing I register is me and hyung breaking our kiss.

I hear hyung panting.

“Why are you so shy, Yun?” he says.

That makes me wake up from my trance like state. I push Jae away from me and crawl backwards, dripping over empty bottles. Jae comes back to his senses as well, shock in his eyes, startled.

I pick myself up giving Jae a last dazed look to hastily stumble out of the room closing the door behind me. I stand there for a second leaning against the door trying to recollect myself.

What did just happen? Did Jae hyung and I really kiss just now? How could this happen? How could you letthis happen, Park Yoochun?

I clench my fists and wipe my still hot, trembling lips fiercely with the back of my hands. I can feel hot tears roll down my cheeks. I hear Jae sobbing through the door followed by an angry growl and breaking glass. I winch at that and wipe the tears off my cheeks.

The main door opening makes me jump. Junsu steps in and closes the door behind him, stopping his movement the moment he sees me standing there, leftover tears still sparkling on my cheeks. I can still hear Jae cry and kicking against some furniture. Su’s look flashes from the door to me.

“What is wrong?” he asks, his voice drenched in surprise and worry.

“Noth… Nothing.” I say my voice cracking exposing that something is definitely wrong with me. I turn to hurry up the stairs. Junsu chases after me and catches up easily since I am still a bit unsteady on my feet and drip over my own foot.

He grabs my shirt and whirls me around.

“What happened, Chun?” he says in a commanding tone.

“Nothing of your concern, ok?!” I yell at him and pull myself free from his grip.

I leave him standing there, me disappearing in my room after slamming the door behind me and locking it to keep him from following me. I lean with my back against the door and slowly slide down until I sit on the floor. I sit there crouched into a ball and burry my face into my folded arms that rest on my knees.

My thoughts fly wildly through my head, making it hard to think anything at all. I wrestle with an inner conflict that is raging in my head.

Did I just really let this happen? But I love Su. I cheated on him.

No I didn’t cheat on him. Helet go of me.

But I betrayed my own heart. Does my love reach to that extent only?

No, I didn’t wrong Su. He is the one that abandoned our love, our relationship, and… me.

But what about Jae hyung? He wasn’t in his right mind.

He did it on his own free will. I didn’t force him to do anything.

I should have stopped him. He did it out of loneliness, out of despair, missing Yunho hyung.

Like this I keep fighting with the thoughts in my head. I try to cool off and open the window to let in the cool night breeze. I fling myself onto bed and hide my head under the pillow, covering my ears, hoping to not hear the voices raging in my mind anymore.

Like this I fall asleep after what felt like eternity.

Someone knocking on the door wakes me up. As my mind slowly awakens I recall what happened. Not even the hammering head ache caused by the hang over lets me blend out what happened yesterday.

“Open the door Chun. Please.”

It is Junsu who is knocking at my door. I take a deep breath and unlock the door. The door handle slowly moves down and the door opens. Junsu cautiously sticks his head into the room.

“Can I come in?” he asks innocently.

I just look the other way whereupon he enters the room to sit on my bed.

Me, I just stand there staring out the window. Bit by bit I realize how cold it is and close the window. I can hear Su’s crump and rubbing his arms to warm himself.

“What is it?” I ask to finally get it over with.

“I just wanted to know if you are alright.”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure? You cried yesterday.”

“I didn’t cry. I spilt beer on myself.” I say, not even convincing myself.

I look at Junsu and could see that he didn’t believe me. But luckily he lets it go so I take the chance and changed the topic to the first thing I thought of.

“So, you met a girl yesterday? What was her name again?”

“Erm… Yes I did. Her name is Amelie.”

He looks at his wristwatch and suddenly jumps up.

“Chunnie. Hurry. You have to get ready. We need to be at the recording studio in 20 minutes. We’ll talk about Amelie later tonight before she comes, ok? I invited her over.”

I hurry from my closet, to get fresh clothes, into the bathroom and get ready to leave.

Jae and Su already called for a cab that takes us to the studio as I come down from the first floor. The atmosphere in the car is awkward because of a bunch of unspoken things hovering above our heads. I am already sure, that this day won’t be easy to live through.