Junsu

I watch him as he turns around and rushes out of the room. I have to helplessly watch as I lose him yet another time. And I don’t feel less responsible for it than the other time. As realization washes over me like a sudden summer storm my breathing takes up speed and I feel as if someone had punched me hard in the stomach. My guts twist and twine inside of me.

This heavy weight on my chest forces my legs to give in to this pressure so that I am on all fours, supporting myself. My breath continuously races in and out of my body. It is being joined by heavy sobs announcing the coming hot tears that I can soon feel trailing wet paths down my face. They fall down on the soft carpet and remain like glassy pearls for a few moments until they finally vanish; just a tiny wet spot giving away their lost existence.

I lie on my back on the floor of my bedroom, and stare at the blank ceiling of the now silent room. My heart slowed down to normal speed, pounding steadily in my chest. The suffocating feeling vanished and was replaced by numbness.  

Aside from the blood rushing through my veins, the low sound of my breath and the pounding of my heart I hear only one thing; a thought rushing through my mind every now and then, which I usually don’t even realize since it became so natural.

“I love you”; it is. It is like the faint whisper of a wind.

The sunrays create a play on the ceiling made out of light and shadow as they shine through the curtains, mocking me who is in misery.

All I am able to do at this point is stay like this. Waiting. I am waiting for the morning sun to wake me up and make me understand that all of this was just a terrible night mare.

Or maybe I am just waiting for the sound of the lock at the front door as opens up to grant him entrance.

I just want to forget. I won’t allow all of these thoughts to enter my mind. I block them from bringing havoc over me again, believing, or rather hoping that if I just forget about it, that it would mean that it never happened, and I can just go back to be the naïve me who is madly in love; and who is happy, when he wakes up in the morning and sees this beautiful and peaceful face resting next to his on the same pillow.

I watch the sunlight as it gets swallowed by the darkness. I keep on lying there until my body feels even number and I have to get up. I head straight to the bathroom. I don’t care for a change of clothes that are drenched with tears. I don’t waste a look into the mirror, cause I know without looking at myself that a worn out face would just stare back at me from the cold glass.

I turn on the water and let it’s warmth embrace me. Quickly my clothes are soaked and stick to my skin.

This way I feel cold instead of warm, so I pull them off and throw them on the floor, where the water slowly spreads throughout the floor of the bathroom.

I don’t even wash myself. All I do is stand there; staring. I don’t even look at anything in particular. I just stare. Just like before, without any sense of time I turn the water off and step out of the shower.  

I don’t dry myself as I usually do. I just walk out of the room dripping wet, so I leave a trace behind me as I head to the bedroom to get to my dressing room. But just at the door sill I stop my foot from taking another step forward.  I feel repulse at the thought of entering this room and just go through this whole scene from the morning another time. I decide to just get the bathrobe from the bathroom and pull it over for now.  

I take a seat on the sofa and continue with what I have been doing the whole day already; staring. But this time I allow myself to listen carefully at any sound that could announce Yoochun.

Before I know it my mind makes decisions on its own and I lose myself in a train of thoughts.

I should have known that this would happen. Why am I this stupid sometimes?

There I can hear Chun’s voice echo in my head: “Sometimes?” I chuckle without humor.

Right. Sometimes? Why did I think it would work out to keep it from him? And I burdened Jae hyung to sum it all up. As if he hasn’t enough troubles as it is. I am so sorry.

The time keeps ticking by. 10 o’clock. 11 o’clock. Midnight. 1 in the morning. 2 . Then I slowly drift to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night I get woken up by cold shivers that run down my spine, leaving behind goose bumps all over my body. Sleepily I get up and hurry to the dressing room. Right at the moment as I put on my shirt half way I hear a faint knocking sound on the door. Suddenly my heart takes up speed and my mind is wide awake.

That’s him. It has to be him.

Not even properly dressed I rush to the front door. I drip over shoes and with a bumping sound I lunge myself at the door handle. In the same movement I push it down and open the door.

As I look up I look at Yoochun who is standing in front of me; startled.

Yoochun

After my talk with Jaejoong I went for a drive and stopped somewhere nowhere. I went for a walk and thought everything through. I thought about what hyung said to me. And about how things should go on from now on. I tried to sort out my thoughts on what had happened in the US.  I wanted to make clear to myself how I feel about Junsu and I; and our relationship. If it could still work after all that had happened already between the two of us.

I stayed there until late at night, until I came to a conclusion. I drove back to Seoul and right to Su’s apartment complex. Before I went upstairs I remained seated in the car for some time until I calmed down enough for me to have a proper talk with him.

I stand in front of his door, still wearing his pajama that smells like him. Just like before at Jae hyung’s place I am not sure of how to enter. Just unlock the door, or ring the bell, or should I knock?

I decide for the latter one and hesitantly lift my fist to the door. It’s late. He must be asleep already. Am already ready for this talk? I’m not so sure anymore.

But then I decide to just finally do it and as I knock I close my eyes.

I listen closely if I can hear any sounds coming from the other side of the door. At first there is silence, but then I can hear fast footsteps and something crashing into the door.

I hold my breath as the door opens and Junsu looks me straight in the eyes. I give it my all to keep my composure, and not to give in to the instinct to just run away again.

His hair sticks out in every direction.

He must have fallen asleep with wet hair again.

The next moment he hugs me folding his arms behind my neck. At first I feel startled and am paralyzed but as soon as the feeling returns into my limbs I reach for his arms and loosen his grip on me. I push him back and shake my head as I softly say “Please, don’t.”

His eyes turn sad, and I have to look away. I could never bear seeing him with those sad eyes.

“Can. We go inside?” I ask him and he steps aside to let me in. I walk past him and directly head to the living room after putting off my shoes.

He follows behind me. His feet make sounds as he walks over the tiled floor. Even at the sound of his steps I can notice how he is feeling right now. We stand quite far apart, not as we usually do always staying in reach.

Su isn’t saying a word, giving me the opportunity to speak first.

I have to take several deep breaths to finally say something.

“I did a lot of thinking today. And I had a talk with hyung.” I say.

I sneak a glimpse at him and it looks as if he burns to say something, but he keeps quiet.

“He told me about. This incident.” I pause for a moment to think about how to continue. Even though I went through this conversation over and over in my mind it still is hard for me to find the right words now.

“I am sorry, but I won’t be able to act as if this never happened. It did happen. I would reverse time if I could. Believe me. I would.” I pause again; both of us keeping silent for a few heartbeats.

“I really regret that this happened. There are a lot of obstacles between the two of us. I just made it worse. I added to the pile and I am not sure how much that will affect our relationship. I am not sure if you can trust me after this. I don’t even trust myself, I think. It seems I don’t even know myself well enough.”

He is about to say something but I cut him off.

“Don’t say that you were the source because you aren’t. I am responsible for my own actions.”

“Yoochun…”

“Junsu, please stop blaming yourself. I will feel even worse.”

“Yoochun.” He says a bit more definite. I look at him in surprise

“I can hear a lot of words coming from your mouth but in the end I don’t really understand what you try to tell me. Please, don’t torture me like this.”

I give him a confused look which he returns with a pleading one.

“I… “ his eyes tell me to keep going.

“I… erm… I think we… Actually I can’t do this. I just can’t” I say desperate now. I run my fingers through my hair in an attempt to collect my thoughts. I had sorted it all out. A few moments ago I knew what I wanted to say but now my head is empty.

In the corner of my eye I can see Su moving to the couch and dropping onto it. His face is empty.

I don’t know what to say anymore or what to tell him.

“Su.”

“So, are you saying that you want to end it?” he asks with a shaking voice.

“Su. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“I just meant… I mean. I love you. I think I always will. But I have doubts about our relationship.”

“So you want to break up.” He says in a matter-of-fact way.

“Be honest with me Su. Will you be able to fully trust me?” I ask him while looking at him. But he doesn’t look my way. His head is turned to the other direction so I can just see his profile; his lips pressed to a thin line, as thin as it could be possible with full lips like his, furrowing his brows.

“I trust you. Yoochun. I love you.” Su tells me, his voice forcefully kept even.

“Are you being honest with me, Su? Because I need to know.”

“Yes. I am being honest with you. Why else do you think I didn’t tell you? Because I know that I can trust you.”

I can’t actually say something to that. I search for the right words in my head.

“I am happy about that.” Even I can hear the relieve shimmering through.

“I still feel guilty. I need more time, Su.” I destroy the relieved mood again.

Silence.

“We need to recover. You have to give us some time.”

“Us. Does that mean we will still be… together?” he asks hopefully.

I move over to the sofa and sit down a bit farther away than necessary.

“Yes. I thought it over and I know by now that living without you won’t work for me. I can’t. I will try my best to go back to the way we used to be. I really want to. But you have to know that I can’t promise you for sure that it will be the same way as before.”

“I know that. But I believe in our relationship. I am sure we can overcome this.” His voice nearly overflows with faith, what assures me that we do have a chance.

“I hope so.” I whisper and I can feel Su sitting down beside me.

“Let’s just take it slowly and start anew. Step by step.” I say nervously.

“Yes. Let’s do that.” Su says and takes my hand in his.

“Is this ok?” he asks me hesitantly.

“Mmm.” I nod.

He rests his head on my shoulder and after a few moments I rest mine on his.

Maybe hyung is right. Maybe it will all go back to the way it used to be.

Dear my lovely readers and subscribers ! =)

I just couldn't hold back any longer so I thought: Who cares about exams? I don't give a sh*t. xDD

I hope you like the new chapter. 

Comments are very welcome ^^

Love you guys ♥