Yunho

„Yunho, you should call it a day now. We need the rehearsing room for our trainees now. I’m sorry. We kinda have too little space.” One of the new instructors says as she sticks her head in the slit in the door to the rehearsing room. The music continues to sound from the ghetto blaster, making it a bit hard for me to get all the words she is saying. A drop of sweat drips down my face, my hair sticking to my face forehead and cheeks. I breathe heavily and I feel hot from moving around so much. I pull up the under end of my shirt, so that my bare stomach is visible – an old habit of mine I just can’t get rid of - to wipe off the sticky sweat. From the corner of my eye I can see the woman shyly turn away her looks, at the same time fighting herself from staring at me.

I know the effect of this action on women and I have to admit, even though I am deeply in love with Jaejoong, I can’t keep myself from receiving some affection from strangers, to compensate for the lack of love in my life. I may have dear and close friends, but I can’t bring myself to show them my worries. I don’t want to burden them in any way. I need to be strong as I always have as the reliable and composed leader of extraordinary members they still are.

I smilingly nod at the blushed woman and I go over to the blaster to turn it off and unplug the I-pod. I grab my stuff and head to the changing room. I take a quick shower and change from jerseys into jeans and a V-neck sweater.

I like to dance to full exhaustion, because I usually am able to forget everything that’s around me and then when I return to Changmin’s and my dorm, I go to bed and am able to sleep a dreamless sleep,. But today I am not near exhaustion, so I am mentally preparing myself to spend another night filled with those kinds of dreams  that make you wake up with this strange feeling of having a stone in your chest instead of a pounding heart.

It’s one of those feelings I hate the most, and since they left I was exposed to it way too often already. I have grown sick of it; literally. I feel sick when I slip under the cold blanket of mine, knowingly that I will have to face it again.

The first few times I got up and tried to calm myself by walking around the apartment, but soon I discovered that it didn’t help.

One particular night, when I woke up, pictures of Jaejoong’s crying face still remaining on the back of my lids, so I would see them at every blink; I left my room and headed to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and looked for a bottle of water. My eyes roamed the content and were stuck at a green bottle of Soju. It used to be Jaejoong’s. I had saved it as he moved, and didn’t open it up until now. Frequently seeing it in the fridge oddly made me feel calm. It made me believe for a moment, that he was still there and everything I had done was just a ridiculous thought fabricated by my fantasy. I felt it’s even surface with the tips of my fingers and out of a momentary thoughtlessness I took it and closed the door of the fridge.

This was the night I found a way to get rid of this stone in my chest that was replacing my heart.

I enter the apartment and I can hear the sound of the television.

So Changmin is home.

I stripe off my shoes and walk into the living room. He is sitting on the sofa, dressed in comfortable clothes.

“Hey Changmin. I’m back.” I say and walk over to my room to put my stuff there.

“Uh, hey. You’re early.”

“Yes. They needed the room for the trainees’ training session. There are so many of them.” I say and go over to the fridge and open the door.

By now, all bottled up things there are in it are water, juice and a bottle of sauce. Things really had changed a lot.

I take out a bottle of water and head to take a seat next to Minnie.

“What are you watching?” I ask him as I take a seat.

“I just wanted to see the outcome of it.” Is all he says.

As I look at the screen for a second I stop in my tracks and sneak a peek at Changmin’s tense profile.

“Why are you watching this?” I say a bit stricter than I intended to.

“I just want to see what many fans will make them turn their backs at us.”

“The lawsuit…” Is what I hear before my loud thoughts mix with what Kang Hodong says making it hard for me to hear what is being said.

“We didn’t know about this. We were really surprised and very sad when we learned about it.”

I am disgusted at hearing my own voice that gives sound to those lies that were laid into our mouths not long before the show. I look at my hands, one holding the bottle the other playing with the cap. I just don’t want to look at my lying face.  

Yet another moment arrives in which I doubt my decision of following my father’s wish to step out of this plan and to end the things I started. I shouldn’t have given in to their threats, concealed by dishonest words of concern about our ruined future if we actually dared to stab SMEnt’s back.

Changmin

I am sitting on the Sofa in Yunho’s and my apartment, holding the remote in my hand so tightly that the skin covering my knuckles turns white.

I stare at the black screen of the television and wonder if I really want to see this. If I really want to watch this episode of “Knee drop Guru”.  If I actually want look into my own lying face as I repeat the words that had been told to us by our manager.

I squeeze my eyes shut and press the round, red button on the remote. The screen comes to life and the room is filled with the sound of an advertisement for matrasses.

Hesitantly I open my eyes a slit wide and look at the pictures that flash by on the screen.

I can feel my heart pounding a bit quicker than usual and I have an uncomfortable feeling lingering inside of me.

After this, a lot of fans will be proven of their assumption of us being traitors. It’s an obvious lie after all. We gave hints about us leaving the agency. All of us did. But how could I have let Yunho stay there all on his own? How could I have allowed my parents to take the risk to lose their working places? I had responsibilities.

I am not really sure anymore if they are just excuses for me being a coward. I did feel anxious about what would happen to us if we left the agency. What have I learned aside from show business, singing and dancing? What kind of job could I have taken? None.

Open a dancing school? Or giving lessons as a vocal instructor? Opening a coffee shop? They would have found a way to make me close up my business.

They would have known how to bring me down. I was afraid of this.

I watch the show, with my body tensed up. I am waiting for the talk about Jaejoong hyung, Yoochun hyung and Junsu.

Suddenly I get pulled out of my world by the sound of the door’s lock clicking shut.

Is he back already? I didn’t want to him to watch this.

“Hey Changmin. I’m back.” He says and goes into his room.

“Uh, hey. You’re early.” I say composed.

“Yes. They needed the room for the trainees’ training session. There are so many of them.” He says

and heads to the kitchen. He comes back with a bottle of water in his hand and sits down next to me.

“What are you watching?” he asks me.

“I just wanted to see the outcome of it.” I say with a weakened voice and stare ahead of me.

“Why are you watching this?” he asks in a mad tone. I knew that he would react like this.

“I just want to see what many fans will make them turn their backs at us.” I tell him, not looking away from the screen.

Kang Hodong asks us about the lawsuit and Yunho and I start with the hardest part of the show. We lied so often already when we still were all five of us and after that. Lying is a part of showbiz that’s inevitable, to keep up the fabricated personalities we got from our agencies; protecting our images.

Lying about our hobbies, favorite color, favorable music, our personality, our relationships…

But this time it was something different. We lied about our friends that were our family for such a long time. We made them seem like traitors, that didn’t even tell us about their plan, as if they had backstabbed us by not even asking us if we wanted to go together.

This is all a lie.

There. This is the moment when Yunho forgets what he is supposed to say and I finish the sentence for him.

If I hadn’t helped him out there, he would have had to face consequences more than a scolding. It was the agencies plan after all to reverse the image of JJ, Yoochun and Junsu to make our fans take our side as the victims of their awful scheming. But as I expect it they won’t eat it and we’ll become the traitorous dirt. We know that we slowly will have to prepare for us leaving the spotlight as singers; as DBSK and to make place for a new generation of artist, that wouldn’t cause as much problems as we did and still do.

The show ends and Yunho stares at his hands, as, I guess, he did the whole time.

“You alright?” I ask.

“Yes.” He says trying to hide his anger, but I know him well enough to hear the anger behind his smooth voice.

“They will understand, I think.”

“It doesn’t matter if they understand it. We said it and that’s a fact. We knew we’d have to lie saying what they’d tell us to.” He says, gets up from the sofa and vanishes in his room.

I turn off the television and stay on the couch a bit longer without moving staring into thin air.

Then I decide to distract myself by going through the lyrics of our new songs for our Japan promotions, that would start after our “Before you go” promo.

Going to Japan, would allow me to escape all this a bit. Staying in Japan is like staying in a different world.

There would be fans that wouldn’t care about all that’s happened and support either part of DBSK.

I will enjoy it for as long as I can.

Hey guys !!

Here is a new chapter. I hope you enjoy it =D

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love you ♥