Jaejoong

Brr. Brr. Brr.

The phone in my pocket buzzes announcing a textmessage.

        From: Chunnie

            'How is your shoot going? You not feeling bored without me, hyung? Kkkk’

‘Why would I feel bored? Isn’t it you who tries to not think of a certain someone, dongsaeng? *maerong*’

This brat. Trying to make fun of someone.

I have to chuckle as I read Chunnie’s text, cause he has been just too obvious lately about his impatience for Junsu’s messages. It’s not that Junsu doesn’t write him so rarely, but that Yoochun, just won’t leave his pride aside and just write him, when he misses him. He doesn’t even properly answer to texts. Just the most necessary things.

I do understand how he is feeling, not being able to see him lately. I too am waiting every day for some sign of Yunho but since that day we made up, I didn’t hear the slightest thing from him. I know that he is busy, and that it’s hard for him to fool those people from the agency, but I still feel neglected. Maybe he forgot about me again, over his pile of work? Or did he find someone that made him forget?

I am not sure what to think anymore. Maybe it had been the right choice to make me believe he didn’t love me anymore. This way I had some certainty and didn’t have to wonder all day and night what he is up to and if he…

“Jaejoong, we are ready to start shooting the scene.” the director says to me and disrupts my train of thought.

“Ung, I’m ready as well.” I say and check my outfit before we start.

“When we were still new here in Japan, as DBSK, we walked here, but after that I’ve never walked here again. This is the first time since then. Wow. It’s so nice.” I say and chuckle at the nice feeling of walking this lively street. Usually I wouldn’t be able to walk here this relaxed. If I walked here by myself, I would be surrounded by fans instantly and I wouldn’t be able to escape. It’s a pain that I am not able to walk the streets like a normal person can do. It’s so hard that you’re being observed every second and your every move. Every time I feel pressured and cornered, feeling like some animal in the zoo. I worry if my hair is alright and my clothes look perfect. Living up to the fans’ expectations is the most essential and present thing in my life, and I often have the feeling that I can’t satisfy them. Playing the role of the perfect guy is incredibly tiring and I am not sure how long I’ll be able to keep up that charade.

Fans love me because they think I am their dream come true, but for Yunho. He knows my true colors and all the flaws I have. And that is something I am worried about. With one wrong action I could lose every bit of love I have in my life. I am afraid of that happening one day, because I won’t know what to do then. Left all alone.

“I never walked in the public like this before.” I say.

“Really? Then if you had the chance to start living a normal life now, would you take it?” one of the staff members asks me after we finish this scene and head to the car.

“If I had the chance… I would love to lead a normal life, where I can live carefree. But in fact, if I wouldn’t be famous anymore, after experiencing this and living in this Idol world, I think I couldn’t do it. I guess I got addicted to the fans’ appreciation and love. It has been the only source of love for a long time, so I think I couldn’t live without it anymore.”

“Isn’t that really hard? I mean, if something happens that make the fans dislike you, what do you do then?”

“Do you know that that’s something I ask myself every day?” I keep silent for a bit.

“That’s the reason why I force myself to stick to how I am right now. I am afraid of change in my life. They love me as the person I am now, so I think changing anything… I don’t want to.”

We get into the car we cut the conversation and head off. The next setting is in Shibuya, where I recall old times, when we did some activities in Japan.

“Right at this place, in Shibuya, I acted in a drama a long time ago. Here I had been waiting for the girl I liked, with two tickets in my hand to ask her out on a movie. It was fun. It really didn’t change.” I tell the staff as we walk by a location I had a drama shoot a long time back.

How would it be to be here again with Yunho and Minnie? How did things become like this?

It really makes my chest tighten at the thought of those two.

At least we can watch them on TV even when we have to watch them struggle to smile. How much pain must they go through right this minute…

It’s not fair.

“Great. Let’s do it one more time, and then we can head to the next location.” The director announces. So the staff and I walk back to the beginning point. The stylist noona pulls my clothes in place and takes care of my hair, before we do the scene once more.

“All right. Cut! Good. Now we can pack up and head to the next location. Did you give your friend a call, Jaejoong ssi?”

“Yes. He will be there he said. At about 9 p.m.” I say and then climb into the car to take my seat. The others take a seat too and then we drive off to the next location. We go through the city and head to Harajuku, the fashion district of Tokyo. I like this place.

We walk into a clothes store and I scan the stock of it. Then something catches my eye that is lying on one of the shelves. I pick one underpants up and look at its tiger pattern.

Isn’t this the one I wore when I met up with Yunho?

“Oh, I have these underpants. They were a fan gift.” I say and pick up a gray one that I recognize right away.

“Omo. I’m wearing these today.” I say and laugh embarrassed.

“I often receive clothes as fan gifts, and I do wear them sometimes. I wear them with care.”

Like this we finish the scene and get ready to conclude the shoot with the last scene, for which I will meet a friend of mine to have a drink with him.

At a quiet, small bar we meet up and order some food and sake.

The writing noona explains my friend the concept, and to just chat naturally with me like there were no cameras.

While the staff is still putting up the things, we talk a little to get up to date with the happenings in our lives so far. We haven’t been able to have a proper talk in some weeks now, since I told him about me meeting Yunho and clearing things up.

“So how have you been doing lately? Did you hear anything from him after that?” Fukutaro asks me.

“I’m quite good. But no, I didn’t. It’s hard to get in touch you know. They control them very strictly. It’s hard. How about you?”

“Uh, I see.  Me? I am good. My wife’s in her hometown right now so I miss her but it’s alright.”

“Please take your seats. We’re starting now.” We are told and we do so accordingly.

We chat naturally while drinking and eating. Fukutaro tries out his more than minimalistic Korean.

“Do you know the Korean word for ‘moshi moshi’?” I ask him.

“Erm…”

“Yeobo…” I try to give him a hint.

“Yeobo? Yeobo! Yes.”

“…seyo. Yeoboseyo. Yeobo… If I had a wife I would call her ‘Yeobo’.”

“You know, when I’m with Fukutaro I don’t have to worry. It’s just an innocent drink between men. When I meet girls, they’re also very boyish, so don’t worry.” I blabber on.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend Jaejoong ssi?” the writing noona asks me.

“Wah, I need a girlfriend. I really need a girlfriend.” I say and make Fukutaro burst out in laughter at this obvious lie.

While having fun with my friend the shoot comes to an end and we pack up our stuff to go to our hotel and take a rest.

I get into my room and immediately take a shower, to freshen up. Dressed in just some jersey I lay down on the bed and stare at the ceiling. I can hear someone from the room next to mine turn on the water; footsteps passing by my door; the steadily growing noise of the ticking alarm clock next to my bed. My heart starts to race and I feel as if something heavy lies on my chest, making it hard to breathe steadily.

I get up and start to pace the room.

Soon I can’t take the silence anymore and grab my phone to send out some texts to friends. I ask them to meet up and have some fun before I have to go back to Korea.

 As I grab my things to leave, the uneasiness starts to fade away and I am excited to meet my friends and let the thoughts that torment me vanish somewhere in a dark corner of my head.

We start to party and I try to avoid any questions about serious topics, indulging myself in the lightheaded satisfaction after drinking several shots of whiskey.

We dance, sing and joke around, not wasting a thought on depressing stuff.

I forget everything. To hold on to this feeling we take a picture together in a state of complete insouciance.

The next morning I wake up with a slight headache and an upset stomach. Still not very energetic I put the last remaining things that are lying around into my bag and get ready to head to the airport.

At the airport a crowd of fans are waiting for me, to say goodbye.

I don’t have much time left until the boarding so I can’t talk to them, just pass by them and look at their lit up faces.

During the flight I take a nap so I feel a lot better than before as I exit the gate and head to the car.

As I come home I see the empty apartment, and hold on for a little while as I just scan the room as If I am sure that someone will appear any second, but then I snap out of it and flung the bag on the couch.

What to do? There is nothing to do…

                    ‘Hey Su. I am back. Wanna come over for a bit?’I write and send him the text.

                    ‘Sorry, hyung. I’ve got rehearsal. In the evening is a performance.’

Tsk.

                    ‘Chunnie. How about coming over?’ I start another desperate attempt.

                    ‘Sorry. I have an appointment with the manager.’

You’re  all too busy to spend time with your hyung? Hmpf…

Mad I throw the phone onto the couch next to the bag and I go into the kitchen and take out a glass and a bottle with brown clear liquid in it.

Please enjoy !! =D