http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJQcgpqoy-0

Jaejoong

I take a deep breath, and try to stay calm; but it's only on the surface. On the inside I am completely messed up. One bad news after the other regarding the concerts pops up.

I keep discussing with the director and the staff members but as it seems my attempts to take care of those things seem quite useless.

We had planned many special things to make the upcoming showcases great and unforgettable for our fans, but now it's just giving me worries. Like this they will remember it for sure; in a negative way.

I talk with our crew over and over again but in the end it's no use.

The adrenaline rush while performing in front of those huge crowds makes me forget about the cold, my worries and regret. All that matters is the kick while performing for the fans.

I would have never expected that so many people will come to watch us. I can see them shiver from the stage, their sparkling eyes looking up to us.

That is the moment I decided that I won't let something like this happen to our fans again, and to offer them the best I am capable of.

This whole thing made me start to learn about directing concerts, and it actually is good for me. I need something to distract myself from all the things that remind me of my actual state.

But still, every now and then I remember the upcoming things. Especially the album release and comeback of Yunho and Changmin. I can't wait to see their faces, but at the same time I am afraid of exactly that because I don't know if I like what I will see.

A few days after the showcases Su, Chun and I are at Su's place anxiously waiting for the CD we ordered; the album of Yunho and Changmin.

"Do you think it will arrive soon?" Su asks Yoochun. They are sitting on the couch, Yoochun resting his arm on Su's shoulders.

"I guess so." Chunnie says to calm Su down, who is glancing at the door again and again as if he wanted to threaten the doorbell to ring.

Then it finally is here. Su gets the package from the security guard from the reception desk downstairs.

I am completely tense now. On the one hand I can't wait to open the package, but on the other I don't want to.

But then curiosity wins and we rip the paper off together. Su holds the booklet in his hands as if he is holding some sacred object. Carefully he opens it and takes out the CD.

He puts it into the CD-Player and presses the play button with shaky hands.

I take a deep breath and then close my eyes shut as the music starts to play. Various different emotions start to swell up, making me get lost in thoughts.

Buying the CD was the right thing to do. We all feel that we need to support them in what they are doing now, even though I feel really sad that they keep using TVXQ as their name. I know that it's something that SMEnt initiated, knowing that we still see us as members of TVXQ and will do so forever. It still hurts though. It really does...

Hearing that name referring to Yunho and Changmin only, excluding the three of us; the so called traitors. It hurts to know that some Cassies see us as traitors.

Why won't they understand?

We didn't leave them behind to give them a hard time on purpose. They are our dearest friends.

It's just, there were many reasons for us to take that step, but people just can't know about them and therefore not understand why we left in the first place.

Many think we are greedy. Money may have been one of the reasons - the one reason most people think of was the main one - but not being able to see our families and friends in years, not being able to sleep, eat, move without being watched and immediately put back in place; even breathing became hard while being set under that much pressure. Suffocation; that was the main reason.

All of us shed a lot of tears, we supported and helped each other standing up again when we fell.

If someone actually asked me the reason why Yunho and Changmin didn't leave with us? I would answer that with another question. What will happen if we lose the lawsuit?

There is a high chance for us to never be able to work as musicians again. For sure, SMEnt knows a way to get in our ways and make it impossible for us to work in that field again. Going back to living as normal people is impossible. We would be left with nothing.

We do feel SMEent's power now. One performance cancellation after the other gives us a setback. Every time we receive an invitation it gets cancelled shortly before the performance.

It is really frustrating not to be able to get on TV shows in our own country. It's is all so tiring. Some days I feel like hiding in my apartment and cry. But at some point I forgot how to by now. I found other ways to forget about my sorrow. But those ways; I hate them.

"So that's it. They sound... good. They improved a lot." Su says interrupting my monologue. He tries to sound calm, but fails.

"Uhm..." Yoochun answers.

I am not able to say anything; there is a tight knot in my throat that hinders me in doing so. I clear my throat.

"I'll be leaving now." I say with an uneven voice.

"Ok. We'll see you tomorrow then." Yoochun says to me.

I put on my shoes and leave the apartment. Lost in thought I drive off, without me noticing me heading in direction of the Hankang. Just the moment I see the sparkling water I notice where I am and I decide to drive to my favorite spot.

There I get out of the car and sit down on the cold ground for a minute. I stare at the reflection of the weak, setting sun in the water.

Yunho, you were able to stand up, while I am still lying on the floor. I want to show you a better side of me when we meet again. I will get up again. You just wait and see.

Yoochun

They were able to continue. I feel more at ease now, even though I know that it will be hard for them. I am sure nothing changed for them yet. They still have to suffer.

We will show you. With winning this lawsuit we will force them to give you better conditions. I hope.

I stayed at Su's place taking a shower after we listened to Yunho hyung's and Minnie's album. It was a bit hard for me to hear their voices, but I feel really happy to know that they seem quite alright as it is. I know that they do suffer, but at least they can continue doing what they love. I feel less guilty now, but it still is an incredibly heavy burden for me to have left them behind all by themselves in the lion’s cage.

After I get out of the shower I put on comfortable clothes and step out, heading to the living room to get seated next to Su on the couch.

Why does he look so mad?

"What is it Su?" I ask him.

Su doesn't say a word, just hands me the open CD-booklet.

"What should I do with that?"

"Read." he orders me so I do.

I scan it roughly, but then stop at one part, reading it once more slowly.

He is thanking that person? No wait. No way.

My eyes open wide in surprise, but then I recollect myself.

That has to be a misunderstanding. I am pretty sure that he had to write that. It's not the first time that the company told us what we had to write in our thanks tos. That; it definitely wasn't written on his own accord. I am sure.

"So what?" I say coolly.

"So what? So what? Aren't you mad?" Su hisses.

"No. Why should I?" I say calmly.

"He thanked that person. I thought we had the same opinion on that matter. But I guess he changed his mind." he says bitterly.

"Of course there is something like this written in there. Do you really think they will print it without trying to state an example to give us another kick in the ?"

"He stabbed us in the back. First those lyrics and now this?"

"Don't overreact. They made us write specific things before as well. You know that. Why would they stop doing that now, huh? And the lyrics weren’t written by him."

"How can you know that?" he growls at me.

"That's just common sense." I mock him already expecting his next reaction.

"Whatever! Almighty Yoochun!"

With this he storms out of the room and slams the bedroom door shut behind him.

Why do you have to overreact like this all the time, Kim Junsu? Don't lose your faith easily like that.

He doesn't come out of the room until I crawl into the bed next to him and pull him in an embrace. He shoves my hands off him and turns away from me.

"Come on, Su. Don't be like this." I frown.

"Just. Leave me alone, ok?" he hisses giving me the signal that, that was his final word.

Rejected I snuggle into the blanket, sulky peeking at him every now and then.

The next morning I wake up in an empty bed. I look at the alarm clock. It's still early.

No Su at this time of the day?

I get out of bed and go look for Junsu. I find him in the kitchen, preparing breakfast.

"Is everything alright?" I ask him.

"Uhm. Breakfast's ready in a bit." he says.

I leave the kitchen, switch on the laptop and check my mails. Nothing interesting, so I go on twitter to see if there is something new, and maybe answer some tweets.

My breath gets stuck in my throat as I read some of yesterday's tweets, one of them from Junsu. I scroll down just to see that there are additional ones.

"Chun, breakfast is ready." Junsu says sticking his head inside the room. I don't move.

"You coming?"

"What is this?" I ask looking at him judging.

"What is what?" He looks at me trying to hide his guilt.

"These tweets. What's that supposed to be?" I ask a bit fiercer.

"Nothing." is all he says and leaves the room. 

For those who didn't read Junsu's tweets + trans klick here ^^