http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgT9zGkiLig  

Junsu

Finally we arrived in the U.S. to work on our English album. I am still very nervous when I have to sing in English in front of the staff members - English is definitely not my strong point - but I give it my best. I am sitting in the recording studio next to Jae hyung and watch Yoochun recording his part. Watching him sing brings back memories and I start to wonder if I made the right choice. I broke up with him on my own accord after giving it a lot of thought but I still feel that I did it because of the wrong reason.

"Could you sing that part once more?" the composer asks him.

He sings it again perfectly. That's what he is like; perfect.

I need to forget my feelings for him. But I don't know how to do it. All the reasons I threw at him that night could be enough but to be honest; for me they aren't. If I just met someone that can make me overcome this. If I can't do that, I will just hurt him more, and I can't forgive myself for hurting him at all.

"Su! We are finished for today." Jae hyung yells at me.

"You don't need to yell at me. I'm not deaf."

"I said it 5 times." he says annoyed.

"Ok, Ok."

"We go for a drink, you wanna come along?"

"I don't know..."

I am not really in the mood to go out for a drink especially when Yoochun is there. Women will hit on him like always and the selfish me won't be able to handle that.

"Ok. You have nothing to say. As your hyung I command you to go."

"But…"

"No 'buts'. Move your duckbutt."

Jae shoves me out of the studio and pushes me into the elevator. Yoochun talks to one of the staff members about his recording, discussing what version they liked out of the ones he tried out.

Watching them talking so casually makes me jealous and I wish that we could be like we were before.

Stop it Kim Junsu. It was you yourself who decided to break up without Yoochun's agreement not to mention properly explaining why it suddenly came to that decision.

After a short walk we enter a bar and divide the group to sit around small tables. I am happy to be sitting on one of the emptiest tables because I don't really feel like talking at the moment. I occasionally sip on my beer deep in thought until someone suddenly asks me if the seat next to me is taken. Without paying attention I just say 'yes'.

As I look up from my glass I am dumbstruck. Just next to me sits a gorgeous blonde woman with beautiful features. I stare at her big blue eyes without me noticing.

"Do I have something in my face?" she asks and wipes her face with her hand.

"Ah, no you... you don't. You look perfect."

"Oh, thank god. I am clumsy so..."

I guess I drank too much. She is so pretty...

She obviously is embarrassed by me watching her so closely, but I just can't help it.

"My name is Amelie." she says.

"Ah,... that's a pretty name." I am not able to respond properly like a middle grade student talking the first time with his crush.

"You are Kim Junsu, right?"

Preoccupied as I am I forgot to introduce myself.

Oh my god, I behave like a complete idiot. Get a grip on yourself.

"Ahm... Yes. How do you know?"

"I am Cassie. But not so much long. Since about one year zrough my friend who ees an ‘ardcore fan compleetely. A bit too much in my opinion but qui. I am sorry. I am always babbling nonsense when I am nervous."

"No. Not at all. But could you speak slower please? My English is not good."

"Me too. I am no good in speaking Eenglish."

"Really? How come?"

"I am French."

Oh my goodness. How perfect can a person be?

"French? I love France...."

Like this we talk more or less stumbling over the English language. This way I get to know a lot about her. She is 21, actually lives in Paris, has a sister, a dog - what I am envious of – and works as a part time jobber travelling the world.

It is the first time since breaking up with Yoochun that I don't feel depressed.

Yoochun

Today we went recording what I anticipated for a long time so I tried to give it my best. But concentrating wasn’t easy because I got distracted every now and then when Junsu came into my view. Nonetheless I was able to engross myself into the music and didn't feel the sadness for a little while. The pain is still there but it feels number and not that sharp - like a healing wound.

Now we are sitting in a bar near the recording studio with the staff. Su sits at another table but he is out of my view so I don't know what he is doing nor who he is talking to. That fact distracts me quite a bit. Jae already ignores it when my mind drifts away. After the talk I had with him we kind of started to spend more time together alone. At the beginning it was a bit strange, because Jae and Su are as close as my brother and me and I am aware of the fact that I can never have the same relationship with him as Su. But I guess having the same kind of pain caused by losing a dear person to us we understand each other on a different level than before.

I still don't like it when I can't keep an eye on Su, but in the end it is better this way. It would just pressure him.

"Yoochun, could we change seats please? I would like to talk to Jaejoong about his recording tomorrow." Max asks - a staff member.

"Sure."

I get up and sit down. As I look around I notice that I can see Su now, but I am not happy at all. He is talking to a pretty blonde woman.

Great. She is exactly his type. Pretty face, nice body. I wouldn't reject her either I guess. I’m a guy after all. But why do I have to see him flirt with this woman?

He is looking at her in a way he used to look at me. How I wish I was her now.

Why did I have to be born as a guy? If I was a woman I could still be together with Su, happy and not in secret. At least not in secret forever.

I can’t take it anymore and jump up from my seat. I rush over to them, give that woman a death glare and grab Junsu’s wrist tightly to pull him up.

“He is mine.” I hiss at her.

I rush out of the bar pulling Junsu along with me, ignoring his attempts to break my grip.

That, I would have done. But regretfully my brain does work occasionally, ignoring my heart.

Reality:

I sip on my beer every now and then always peeking at the two flirting. Pathetic. I am caught between anger, sadness and worry. Anger because a green monster is raging in my chest continuously telling me to step between them and take back what is mine. Sadness because my head knows that there is no way back to where Su and me were and that he finally encountered a good opportunity to get what he longs for. Worry because I am afraid. Afraid that even being friends - where of course I am bound to listen to him talking about her - would become too hard for me. The wound in my heart started to stop bleeding and close one by one, on the edge to start healing, but now rubies drip again.

"Hyung. I think I'll leave now. I am tired."

Jae notices my eyes flickering to Su and immediately gets the situation. He nods and says to take care on the way and to take a cab.

"Going by foot is not a good idea. It's late."

"Yes. I got it mum." I laugh without humor.

As I get up and head to the exit Su calls after me.

"Yoochun! Could you come over for a sec?"

Why is it like this? What have I done wrong to deserve a punishment like this?

Unwillingly I stop and go over to him.

"What is it?"

It must be more than obvious that I feel uncomfortable.

"I tried to tell her about this..." he is interrupted by Jae. I feel relieved that he interfered, saving me from this situation.

"Hey Su. Who is your friend?"

"Oh, hyung. This is Amelie."

"Nice to meet you Amelie."

"So Chun. Could you help..."

"Su, aren't you a bit impolite? Not introducing me?"

"She knows who you are. She is a Cassie."

"Ah, I see." Jae says. "You were asking Chun for help?"

"Yes I was until you interrupted us." he sounded slightly annoyed by Jae's impolite interference.

"Don't be such a crybaby Su. And anyway.I was about to kidnap Chun. I want to go home and I don't want to go alone. So if you can survive without him I'll take him now."

I shrugged my shoulders, trying to hide my relieve.

Hyung leads me out of the bar and on the street. Quite a lot of people pass by even at this hour.

"Thank you. You saved me there."

"No problem. You would have done the same thing for me. But it's not for free."

"I guess so. Anyway. Thanks, hyung. But what do you mean by 'for free'?"

"I couldn't finish my still full glass of Wodka-Bull. You owe me a drink."

I should have known. Making Hyung leave a drink behind always brings something like this with it.