Junsu

“Hey Junho! It’s me.” I say as I enter Junho’s apartment.

“I am in the bathroom. I’ll be finished in a minute!” I hear his muffled voice through the door. Exhausted from the rehearsals today I grab a pillow to hug, my head resting on the soft, puffy fabric; let myself sink onto the sofa in the living room. Then I switch on the TV. I channel through, but after checking only five channels I stop. I relax and close my eyes.

It feels wonderful, being able to have some minutes alone for a change. Usually I have someone around me all the time. Jae hyung, the other actors from the musical… and Yoochun of course. It’s not that I don’t enjoy every moment that I spend with him, but sometimes it is nice to have a sec to spend alone and recollect my thoughts. Lately my brain seems to be working constantly; never really having an opportunity to take a break.

The constant present voice in my head quiets down; the only audible thing is the muffled sound of the water pouring out of the showerhead and the soft, steady ticking of the clock hanging on the wall across.

Just as I begin to drift to sleep, I jump at the sound of the bathroom door opening and Junho who is hurrying out. He rubs his hair with a towel and stumbles over to me.

“Sorry to make you wait. I know that you’re super busy and all.” He says and sits down next to me. I rub my eyes and yawn.

“It’s alright. Never mind. I always have some time left for you, Jun. You know that.”

“Hey that didn’t use to be so normal.” He says and playfully punches my arm with his fist.

“I know. I’m glad that that’s gotten better now.” I say not able to cover up the sadness that washes over me.

“Uh, why did you call me over?” I say quickly to overact it.

“Oh, yeah. Right. You know I am trying to pick up singing and so on.”

“Sure.” I reply and nod while watching him. He seems kind of nervous to me, what makes me feel a bit anxious. “Is there something not right?” I ask him worried.

“No! No. That’s not it. It’s just…. Argh, it’s kinda delicate.”

“You know that you’re making me worried right now, do you? You didn’t do something stupid, did you?”

“Maybe I am about to.” He whispers.

What is that supposed to mean? Did he sell his body to some old geezer, or did he pick up ?

My heart takes up speed and I start to feel sick from the unpleasant hammering in my chest. I swallow hard and give him a judging look, already trying to form sentences that can express all the things going on inside of me now.

“Before you think I did something like doing or something; I didn’t. But maybe it’s as bad as those…” he tries to calm me down, since you don’t have to be too smart to see that I am about to explode.

“Then what else?”

“Avex. They offered to take me under contract.” He already holds up his hands in case he has to defend himself, but the awaited blow doesn’t come.

“Huh. So that’s it?” I sigh in relive.

That was it? Why did you have to give me a fright like this?
“Yes? You not mad?” Junho asks me cautiously.

“Nope. Why should I? If you want to debut in Japan you should definitely sign with them. But you should read the contract properly and try to negotiate if necessary.”

“That’s all you have to say?” Junho obviously didn’t expect me to react this coolly at his revelation.

“Yes? You want me to scold you?” I laugh at him. He gives me a you-are-so-not-funny-look.

“Who wouldn’t expect you to, after all the things that happened?”

“I guess you’re old and smart enough to not repeat my mistakes. I hope you learned from it. That’s all I have to say to you.”

“Huh, you really seem to have grown up now, Junsu.”

“Hey, don’t push your luck my friend. I still can rip your head off if you have a death wish.” I say jokingly and shift so I can sit a bit more comfortable.

“No, I guess I can live well without dying today.”

“And you’re saying I am not funny?” I .

“Not my fault. Inheritance isn’t something you can choose, just like twin brothers.”

“You wanna complain?”

Like this we start to have one of our playful fights between brothers that I have missed so much by now.

Ten minutes later we are lying on the floor next to each other completely exhausted, and panting.

“You became stronger, Junho.”

“Thank god. I thought the work-out didn’t pay off at all.” He says laughing.

“By the way. You said you had to talk to me too when I called you.”

“Uh…” My eyes widen as I remember that I actually said that I had to tell him about something.

Oh yeah. That’s right. I wanted to tell him about my and Yoochun’s relationship. How could I have forgotten about that?

I swallow down the knot that has built in my throat and I try to gather all the courage I have.

So, Kim Junsu. It’s a now or never thingy. If I can’t find the courage now, I won’t ever.

“Yea. I need to talk to you about something, too.”

“Spit it out bro.”

“Uhm… I… how should I begin? You know… you asked me some time ago if I had a girlfriend.”

“Uhn… I remember. There was something going on with that French girl, wasn’t there? So you are together now?”

I start to nervously play with my hands that are sweaty.

“Not exactly.”

He leans on his elbow so he can look down to me, still lying on the soft carpet.

“How in the world does that make sense? Either you are together or you’re not.” Junho says with a confused expression on his face.

“I am in a relationship with someone, but not with her. It’s someone else.”

I look the other way as I feel my cheeks blush.

“Who is it?”

I don’t answer him; or rather I can’t bring myself to answer him honestly.

“Come on. How bad can it be? Is it some criminal or something that you can’t tell me?” he says pushing my shoulder.

“No. That’s not it.”

“What else is there bad enough so you can’t tell me?”

I jump up and start pacing.

“Forget it. I shouldn’t have started that talk in the first place.”

Junho sits down on the sofa and watches me as I walk up and down the room.

“Hey, Su. You know you can tell me anything.”

“I know. But I am not so sure if I can tell you this one though.”

He watches me silently, not pushing me to answer him or anything. Without much thought I suddenly blurt out something I, myself don’t really hear.

“Oh, so you’re back together now?” I hear Junho say somewhere far away.

“What?” I ask him completely swamped.

“You and Yoochun. You’re back together?”

“What do you mean back..? You mean… I mean.. You knew?” I ask him surprised and let myself sink onto the chair that is standing next to me.

“Of course I did. I am your twin brother, Su.” Junho says a bit amused.

“You knew… does mom know? Dad?” my voice grows to a whisper with every word I am saying.

“I’m pretty sure that mom suspected it since quite a while, but I am sure that dad doesn’t know yet.”

“Thank goodness. I think he will kill me if he finds out.” My head drops and I take a deep breath to calm myself down. Slowly I lift my head and look straight at Junho.

“So. You don’t think I am gross or something?” I ask my brother hesitantly.

“No. I’m cool with it. I like Yoochun. He’s smart, good looking and talented. Everything mom wished for her future son-in-law. Now she’s got the daughter she’s always wanted.” Junho laughs at me.

“Argh. Can’t you be a bit nicer? It really isn’t easy for me.”

Junho walks over to me and lays his arm on my shoulder to comfort me.

“Hey, Su. I didn’t mean it, ok? I’m really alright with it. I think it’s a good thing if you found someone you really love. The really doesn’t matter the least bit.”

I breathe deeply and I can feel the weight getting lifted from my heart.

“Thanks Junho. That means a lot to me.”

“No problem. We’re brothers after all. I’m sure it would be the same the other way around as well, so don’t stress out over it, ok?”

“Aye, captain.”

“But you know something?”

“What?”

“I really don’t get what Yoochun sees in you.”

“Aw! You jerk! Would you cut it out already?”

Cactus

“So you actually grew a blossom.” Someone whispers in front of me. The person is holding a steaming cup of tea in his hands and is smiling at me.

“To think that this kind of coincidence happened…”

Coincidence? I never blossom without a reason.

Yoochun

Again I check my phone if there are any messages from Su, but I guess just because five minutes passed, he won’t be done with what he is doing. I notice Jae hyung watching me with a smirk on his lips.

Am I being too obvious?

“Hey! How about we tweet a pic from the location, and see if anyone comes here.” I say to Jaejoong and act as if I take pictures.

“Uh, yeah. Let’s try.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. What do we do if we have to change locations?” one of the staff members says.

“Don’t worry. As long as Yoochun posts it, it won’t be a problem. No one will see it.” Jaejoong says teasingly and digs in the sand with a stick that he picked up from the ground.

“I’m sorry that I’m not as narcissistic to post as many selcas as you, my friend.” I counterattack. 

It has been quite a while since we have been in Japan. Finally we returned to film our new 3hree voices II DVD, but sadly we had to leave Junsu behind, since there was a collision with his musical schedule.

Lately we have been so busy, that I hardly get to see him anymore.

It has been quite hard; in general I have to say. We have hoped that the lawsuit would find an end finally, but as it was to be expected, the court delayed it until March to add a hearing of a SMEnt employee. In my opinion, it’s something completely unnecessary. Do they really believe, that an employee will actually answer honestly? If they do, they can be sure, that they won’t find any job in the future.

In fact, I for my part cast this matter aside as much as I can, because every time I think about it I get angry, frustrated and I feel helpless to an unbearable degree.

Instead I try to focus on the achievements, like our first Korean album.

We released our mini album “Their rooms” and luckily it received a great response. I was very worried, since it lacks in various different ways, but we tried our very best at giving the fans some reward for their patience.

“I am not narcissistic. I am trying to communicate with our fans.” Jae hyung says in a not very convincing way.

Yeah, sure. And you definitely want to marry a fangirl someday.

I take some pictures and post them on twitter.

I feel very at ease, being at the beach and watching the sea. Like this Jae hyung and I keep on playing a bit according the writers instructions… more or less.

We finish late at night and then we return to our accommodation.

I pull off my shoes and lie down on my bed, exhausted from the long day of work. Unconsciously I check my cell phone for any missed calls or messages from Su, but as I look onto the display, there is just this stupid Junsu laughing at me mockingly; no message. Disappointed I close my eyes with the cell in my hand and I slowly drift to sleep.

The next day I get up and have a quick breakfast and pack up my stuff so I can head to the airport. I can’t wait to fly back, and visit Su right away.

While I’m on the plane I see a magazine and take it to look through it. I read an interview with some celebrity. And there it is again. The question.  What is your ideal type?

I can’t hear this question anymore.

It’s mere fan-service to ask about this everlasting topic, and the answers are never according to the truth. Neither are my answers. After all I can’t just tell them, that what I want is that people overcome their short sightedness and come to accept Su’s and my relationship, but I guess that’s really something I won’t ever be able to do, so I always try to find a way around. So I always make up something that the fans might like to hear.

I know that might seem really insensitive towards those fans, but it’s a fact that, we live to keep up the facade that was built up, and that people came to like. If we suddenly show our true face, they would be even more disappointed in the end.

“Flight 1032 from Incheon to Shanghai will soon depart. Please board the plane.” A monotone female voice calls out as I leave the gate with the luggage in one of my hands. With the other I pull down the cap so that it casts a shadow and I check if the facemask still is in position before I cross the hall to exit the airport, where a car is waiting for me.

The moment I take my seat in the car, I switch on my mobile, just to feel another wave of disappointment wash over me. I feel too tired to actually feel angry; instead I watch the landscape pass by as we head back to Seoul. Every few minutes my eyes wander to this damn display.

Stupid habit. That’s all your fault, Kim Junsu!

Please enjoy ^-^