First day in my new school and I’d already made a bad impression, first arriving late and then not understanding what the hell the lady was saying. The woman didn’t seem to understand that I couldn’t understand nor speak any word German. It didn’t help much either when she switched over to English. Maybe I should’ve paid closer attention in English class after all. Well it was a bit late to think about that now.

This past two days had been heart wrenching. I’d barely gotten any sleep and it was truly tearing at me. My mind was constantly occupied with thinking about Hoya; did he know by now that I was never coming back? Did the other guys tell him or did he figure it out by himself? Either way, I missed him.

People stared at me weirdly, was it because I was Asian? Don’t think so, I’d already seen tones of them in the hallways, then why? Maybe because I had no clue of what they were saying when they tried to talk to me. Instead I would give them looks of wonder, something I think they took as that I didn’t want to befriend them. So after putting everything together, no my first day was not a hit.

Neither was my second day. I was starting to get grumpy due to the lack of sleep and instead of even trying to talk to anyone I just gave them looks. They let me be, just like I wanted them to. Sighs regularly rolled of my tongue. I wanted to go back to Goyang. I wanted to hold Sungjong’s hand during lunch, be able to listen to the WooYeol couple’s erted remarks, spend time with MyungSoo, even though it was a long time since the last time. And then Hoya, if I ever were to meet him again, the first thing I was going to do was to give him a kiss. It didn’t matter if he was married, had his wife and eleven kids at his side. Because one day in my life I wanted to tell him how I felt about him. Even if it meant that I would tell him in fifty years or tomorrow. None of that mattered, just that I got the chance to confess.

When I came home that day, dad wasn’t home just yet and I found myself scrolling down on all the contacts in my cell phone. I hated myself for not asking for any of their phone numbers. Because then I could at least call them. Now I was left with nothing but a broken heart, not even a picture. The only time I didn’t think about him was when someone was yelling at me, only then did it muffle the painful screams echoing in my heart, it was searching for him, missing. But it would always come back, always worse than before. If I ripped it out, would the pain disappear with it?

Four days had passed by since I left and five days since I last saw him. Had he seen the necklace? Did he understand that I’d given him it or had he already thrown it away? Maybe that’s why my heart didn’t seem to stop hurting, because he had thrown away my heart. Did he even miss me?

I stuffed my phone away when I heard dad’s keys in the lock before the door was being pushed open, revealing a happy and smiling father. I wished that I could smile like that, but I could no longer see the happiness that I used to. Soundlessly I jumped off the couch and headed towards the kitchen and something to drink, something that could drown my pain for a while. Of course it didn’t work, but I wanted to believe that it did.

“Your teacher called me and said that you don’t speak, how come?” I chocked on my water before I wiped away the small amount from my chin. Could I tell him now? He probably already noticed that I’m not speaking that much any longer, nor am I laughing at his jokes. Have he seen the huge bags under my eyes due to the lack of sleep. Saddened I stared down on the floor.

“Dear, don’t you think I’ve noticed how you’re acting? You’re like a walking zombie, you may be awake but your emotions, they are not there anymore and it would be nice if you could tell me what was wrong so I could help you out.” my father spoke, somehow I felt relieved that he had taken notice that I weren’t feeling well. “Dad, how did you start dating mom?” I blurted, only to earn a low amused chuckle from my father.

“Hm, let me see. It was about one and a half year before you were born. Why?” I could see the curiousness written on my father’s forehead. “Was it easy, I mean how did you know you loved each other?” I found myself getting a bit confused at myself. It was not normal for me to ask these sorts of questions to him, and he knew that too. “When I didn’t want to be apart from her even one day.” I could really feel the sincerity in those words. But the pain of losing her was still evident in his eyes, “why are you asking me all this?”

I let my body fall down onto a chair as I looked up at him. “Because when I left Seoul, I left my heart with someone and I miss him so much that it hurts all the time.” I began to cry at the end. At least it was out now. My dad finally knew that I had someone in Seoul that I loved with all my heart, someone that I never wanted to let go of. “Doram, why didn’t you tell me?” I told him that he was my father, my one and only relative that I had left and therefore I should fallow with him.

“Poor baby, I never thought you were in this much pain all this time.” he was now at my side, his large arms wrapped around my frame as I cried into his chest. The only sentence I managed to rant out was that I missed him so much over and over again. He comforted me as he said that everything was going to be alright, that it was going to fix itself.

Once I’d managed to call myself down after a few hours I felt depression sweep over my again as I lay in bed. Nothing was going to be okay as long as I weren’t around him. Dad had left to go fix something when I went to bed. He didn’t say what though, but right now I couldn’t care less about what was happening around me.

There was a light knock on the door before dad entered. My face was buried in the pillow so he wouldn’t need to see my tears. “I have something I want to talk to you about.” I felt how my bed weighed down at the feet’s, probably due to the fact that he placed himself down on my bed. Still, I didn’t sit up; I let my face stay the way it was.

“I’ve fixed so that you are moving back to Seoul.” my blood stopped pumping after hearing that and I shot up as I turned to look at him. “Could you take that again?” I said just in case I had heard it all wrong the first time. “You’re going back home again, I’ve fixed so that you’ll continue and graduate at Goyang high school, I’ve bought back our previous house and a plane ticket. You better start packing because the plane leaves tomorrow.” my eyes closed and fluttered open a few times as I took it in.

I was going back home, I was going to see Hoya again.

I lunged forward and hugged my father. The word thank you had never left my mouth that many times before.

~~

Happy Birthday INFINITE's y dance machine Hoya<3