HI GUYS

I'M SO SAD =( I read somewhere that Jae and Junsu are preparing to enlist in the army by the end of this year or beggining of the next one. aparently Jae as received some summoning letters but as askef for a delay because of his activitis abroad but he can't delay it any longer. And junsu as received two letters already. Yoochun is as old as Jae so he must have received them as well but  no one is talking about him enlisting for now.

I knew they would have to do it sooner or later but i feel more sad than i thought i would be. " years is a really long time. I don't know if the news is confirmed cause i haven't read it in allkpop or in any other major k-pop themed website =/ but Jae is almost 30 so i guess it's true.

On another note i read in a blog that in a HoMin fanmeeting a fan showed Yunho a foto of what was supossed to be Yunjae's baby and the conversation was like this:

Y: That's Yunhjae?

Fan: Yunhjae's baby.

Y: Well that can't be because Jaejoongie and I haven't been in touch recently..."

JaejoonGIE JAEJOONGIE! Fans are interpreting his words in lots of ways, like saying that they must still be in touch for Yunho to call him that way. I don't know if they are still in touch but calling him like that caring way just shows how important Jae was for him, even if its only in the past and they are not in touch anymore.

I swear this guys break my heart. they'll be the death of me.

Sorry for the rant, and enjoy the new chapter

=) DriBSK

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YOOCHUN'S POV

After we took a little nap we decided to go eat something. Junsu was taking a shower and getting ready.

It was almost dinner time and I hadn't hear from Jaejoong or even Changmin. I couldn't help but worry a bit.

I picked up my phone and called Changmin. He rejected my call and seconds later I received a message:

From: Annoying Brat

Do you really think I'll answer your calls? Junsu would kill me. And besides your in a romantic escape with him. You shouldn't care about anything else.

Everything is fine. JUST FINE. Stop worrying.

I put my phone away with a sigh. I would have to trust him. I was tempted to call Jaejoong. But it was possible that Yunho and him were trying to work things out and talking at that very moment I wouldn't want to interrupt that.

YUNHO'S POV – that morning (flashback)

Changmin called me and told me to meet him at a caffe near his new company. I tried to dress something nice and look good but I was so nervous I could feel my cloths getting soaked in my sweat and my whole body shaking both with anticipation and nervousness.

“Let's go?” Changmin said as soon as he arrived.

“Wait.. what? Just like this? I don't think I should just enter his workplace and...” I started protesting but Changmin kept dragging me in the direction of Harmony and Melody's building.

“Do you think if you meet him in any other place he'll react better? At least here he can't ran away, or make a scandal. That guy is intense...” Changmin was talking more to himself. “So stop being a sissy and get your in here.

When he finished talking we where already inside the building. I sighed in relieve when I noticed no one was around. That would give me some time to adjust.

But them a group of people came out of one room chatting and laughing.

When those boys looked at me they kind of froze and seemed startled. They started exchanging some comments between them and a few of them actually threw me disapproving looks.

“See? People now me around here. And they don't seem to like me a tiny bit.” I whispered to Changmin but he didn't have a chance to answer me cause a familiar, a way to familiar voice, sounded through the corridor.

“What are you guys doing? Get your pretty young asses out of the way. There are people here who actually have to work. Does anyone know where Changmin is? That guy just left his rehearsal before it ended and...” Jaejoong was talking non stop and the boys looking at me seemed now worried. Jae made his way trough them and finally placed his eyes on me.

There were so many emotions running trough his face I couldn't quite figure out what he was feeling. His expression was firm and serious but at the same time his eyes showed surprise and maybe even a bit of joy?

JAEJOONG’S POV

“Hyung... we can... just go inside ans Changmin hyung will meet you there...” Myung-Dae said.

“Yes, do that. We... we'll take care of things here.” Mun-hee added.

Somehow they knew who Yunho was and what he represented to me. They were trying to protect me. The silly adorable boys...

But I didn't want them to get involved. In fact I didn't even knew what he was doing there. The only thing I knew was that my heart was about to explode and I couldn't turn my eyes away from his stare.

A very well-know pain was still there, but I didn't want him to go away. I didn't want the kids to scare him away.

“It's okay guys. Just go on with your practice.” I finally managed to say, my eyes still staring at his in a fiery way.

“But... hyung...” Mun-hee was bout to protest.

“Guys, let's go. We have to go practice.” the leader Man-Yung said in a serious voice and all the others followed, not before telling me they were in the next room ready to come out if needed.

And so it was just me, Yunho and Changmin. Changmin had a cocky smirk on his face, like he had just done something awesome. But I barely noticed it cause I couldn't take my eyes of Yunho's, not even for a second. And the way he was staring back at me almost made me forget how to breath.

What is he doing here? Please just go away... It's so painful to look at you and realize how hopefully in love with you I still am, after all these years.. after all that has happened...

My thoughts were screaming inside my head. And I hold on to them. I tried to remember why we were apart and why somewhere in me I felt anger when I saw him. Only that way I could prevent myself from falling on the floor crying or from running into his arms without hesitation.

Finally I was able to avert my eyes from him, even if it took me all the will-power I had in me, and focus on Changmin.

YUNHO'S POV

He was perfect. Just perfect. Like always. The time didn't pass through and he was still that gorgeous, breath-taking, mesmerizing men that I once called mine.

I couldn't help but stare at him. And the way he stared back at me was making me lose control. I just wanted to run to him and apologize, beg for forgiveness and do whatever it would take to earn it. So that after that I could have him back, I could hold him again in my arms and protect him from everything.

When he took his eyes away from mine I realize that it would be hard. Really hard. But I wouldn't give up.

He started walking slowly in Changmin's and mine direction. He's face didn't show a single emotion. But at every step he got closer my heart started beating faster and faster, to the point that Jae might even be able to hear him.

When he was just a few steps away and at my arm reach I had to fought all my instincts and use all my will-power to not grab him and pull him to me.

“Chagmin here is the new script you have to rehearse. I'll be in the practice room if you need any help.” Jae said with a serious but lifeless voice and then turned away. “And you should know that strangers are not welcome here. We don't want them to disturb our work, do we? It would be better if you escorted your friend out.” he finished and started walking away.

Was he really that strong? Did he really not care about us anymore? It couldn't be that. I couldn't accept the thought of him not loving me anymore cause I knew I would never stop loving him.

He is faking...

“Jaejoong-ah...” I caught his wrist and called his name in a low husky voice cause I was having trouble breathing let alone talk.

He froze at my touch but didn't turn. He didn't try to free his wrist either. He wouldn't be able even if he tried cause I wouldn't let go. I would never let go again.

“Jaejoongie...” I called again. I just needed a sign, something to let me now that he still cared and that would be enough for me to pull him into my arms.

He finally turned and looked at me. His eyes were glassy and threatening to cry. His lower lip was shaking and he swallowed hard to prevent the tears from rolling down his face, to prevent himself from succumbing to his emotions.

I wasn't has strong and I could already fell two tears rolling down my cheeks and dripping from my chin.

Jae took a step forward. He softly placed his and on top my hand that was holding his wrist and gently pulled away freeing himself.

I was staring at the floor. I felt ashamed. I felt like the worst monster there was. I just wanted to drop to my knees and beg him to at least let me try to earn his forgiveness.

He started walking away and exited the building. I was pulled back to reality by Changmin nudge.

“Do something.” he told me before he disappeared into one of the rooms, living me there all alone fighting with my own feelings and trying to figure out what to do.

So I ran. I ran after Jaejoong.

He was walking slowly and aimlessly, his head hanging low.

What should I do? Call him? Make him listen to me? Just grab him in a tight hug like I so much wanted?

But how could I? How could I do that after everything that happened, after so much time passed. I couldn't force myself into his life again. I needed to slowly gain his trust back, even if it took years, even if it meant following him like a loyal puppy.

And if even after that he didn't want me in his life, I'll watch him from afar, making sure his happy and safe at every moment. I'll work from the backstage.

“JAEJOONG!!!!” I was awaken from my thoughts and screamed at the top of my longs when I saw Jae starting to cross the street when the light was red.

I grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled him to the sidewalk, making him collide with me.

He looked at me surprised, only know noticing I had been following him.

“What do you want...?” he asked in the lowest voice. His body still against mine, his penetrating eyes staring right into mine, his perfectly sculptured face inches away from mine.

“I... I want you.” I whispered and swallowed hard. Having him right next to me like he was right now was everything I wanted, everything I needed. But the sudden glance of pain in Jae's expression made me feel so guilty, so unworthy.

He didn't answer, just stared at me for a while. I trailed every inch of his face with my eyes, recalling the well know features and once again being marveled with how absolutely beautiful he was.

He was so close. If I just lowered my head my lips would touch his.

How could I cause pain to the only person I would ever love in my life? How could I live all that time without him? Hmmf, I didn't live actually, that wasn't leaving.

“You had me!” Jae finally whispered back and his words made my heart hurt immensely. He freed himself from my embrace and started walking again.

I followed.

Even though he knew I was walking behind him he didn´t look back once. He didn´t even protest when I entered his building behind him. He didn´t say anything before he closed the door of his apartment leaving me staring at the closed door.

I sighed and sat on the stairs decided to not go away until he came back out.

JAEJOONG'S POV

Trough the door's peephole I could see him sat just outside my apartment. His face was red and he was crying silently.

I let my body fall to the ground and sat with my back against the door. Jiji came to me and nuzzled against my arm when I started crying, like it was trying to comfort me.

“What is he doing here? What does he want? He was the one who tossed me away. Why?? after all this time.” I asked the cat. I was seriously going insane. “is it wrong that I want to comfort him and tell him to stop crying? Am I that weak?”

Deep inside I knew it wasn't a weakness. I felt that way because I was so hopelessly in love with him.

I didn't dare to look through the peephole again before I went to bed and tried to sleep. If he was still outside I would succumb to my feelings.

The night seemed painfully long. Especially because I slept just a few hours. My mind was a mess of contradictory feelings that wouldn't let me rest.

I got up really early and got ready to go to work. I needed to keep myself busy to not think of him, Jung Yunho.

When I was troubled I would usually talk with Yoochun. But he was away with Junsu and I didn't want to bother them Actually, even if he was home I wouldn't go talk with him about this particular subject. He was the one taking care of me when I went through the dark period after loosing Yunho and he made his mission to not let anyone else hurt me again. Especially Yunho.

Even though I was eternally grateful to him, I knew I couldn't let him fight my battles. It was time I lift that burden of off his shoulders. I would deal with it alone, like the big boy I was. And I would start that by ignoring that Yunho ever tried to contact me. I was decided.

But all that fell to the ground when I stepped outside my house and saw Yunho sleeping in one of the stairs, his jacket under his head to form a pillow. He had spent the entire night there.

My heart wavered and I took a step in his direction. He looked so peaceful. He was the exact same Yunho I knew back then. If only I could erase all the painful memories and let myself go back to him...

But I couldn't be that weak. He was the one who rejected me. Why wouldn't he do it again?

“I want you so much. But everything is ruined now...” I whispered and lightly brushed his cheek with the back of my hand.

I turned my back on him and entered the elevator. Those were the last words I would ever tell him.

YUNHO'S POV

I felt something touching me and slowly started to wake up. Someone was talking but I was still half asleep and couldn't exactly understand what they were saying.

When my eyes opened and I was fully aware of what was happening, Jaejoong was already in the elevator and the doors were closing. I rushed down the stairs until I reached the lobby just in time to see him get out the elevator.

He was startled to see me but then walked past me like he didn't even know me. He walked to his work cause he had left his car there the previous day. I followed him.

More than once I opened my mouth to call him, to say something. But I ended up sighing and not saying anything.

I entered the company after him, not even caring about the stares. He was doing a hell of a good job ignoring my presence and when he entered his office he banged the door in my face, like he had done the day before at his house. Another sigh. I sat in the floor besides the door and prepare myself for another session of waiting.

Changmin walked past me and winked. The stupid guy was having fun with this? Apparently by his expression he thought I was doing a good job. Oh well...

The day went on without Jae leaving his office, not even once. I was certain he would come of the office lots of times in a normal work day. Maybe he was just trying to avoid me?

Well, he'll have to go home at some point... I encouraged myself has as I shifted my body weight from one leg to another, starting to get sour from seating in the hard floor all day.

Finally he closed the light of the office and came out. He was the last one to leave the company. He gave me a brief glance and walked out of the building with me following.

Like the day before I followed him home. When he opened the door to his house and saw I was preparing myself for another night of sleeping in the stairs, he finally snapped.

“Enough with this already.” he said in an angry tone. He was angry and almost yelling but I had to repress a smile. He was angry but at least he was talking to me. “What do you pretend to achieve by sleeping in front of my house? Go home, sleep in your bed, have a shower, change clothes for gods sake.”

“I can't.” I said.

“Why?”

“Cause I can't force myself to leave you. Not anymore.”I said with honesty. My voice cracked a bit from all the repressed feelings hidden behind that words.

Jae looked up to my eyes with a confused and troubled expression. After years of not even trying to contact him I could understand why he was so skeptical. After a few seconds his face turned again into a emotionless mask.

“Doesn't nobody care your missing? Don't you have schedules? Doesn't someone care about their missing star? The way they are controlling freaks I would figure someone had come for you by now” his tone was of mockery.

“You're right: they are controlling freaks and they are probably searching for me right now. I just left my cell in the dorms and have a talent for hiding. Besides I guess they would never think that I would came to Yoochun and your's building... after everything that happened...” my voice got lower and full with regret at the end of the sentence.

Jae looked at me some more seconds.

“Whatever. I don't care.” he turned and oppened his door.

“You do care. I know you do. You have to.” I almost pleaded.

“What? WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHY THE HELL DID YOU COME BACK? I WAS DOING FINE WITHOUT YOU, JUST FINE. YOU MADE IT VERY CLEAR A LONG TIME AGOI THAT I WAS NO LONGER PART OF YOUR LIFE. SO WHY THE HELL COME BACK? JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. DON'T FOLLOW ME AROUND, DON'T MAKE ME RECALL EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED EVERYTIME I SEE YOU. I'M FINE WITHOUT YOU.”

I was prepared to leave him alone if that was really true. I would really stop bothering him if I knew he was better off without me. But the tears starting falling down his cheeks when he said that gave his lie away.

“You were never a good liar. Not when you lied to me anyways.” I said and smiled a little recalling how I could easily see through him.

“STOP IT. DON'T ACT LIKE THAT. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO REMEMBER HOW WE WERE AND SMILE ABOUT. YOU RUINED IT...”

“That's why I'm here. I have to fix everything. I have to earn your forgiveness. I have to redeem myself of my coward ways back then. I don't care if takes months or years.

“Arghhh....” he messed his hair in frustration and walked inside the house leaving the door open. I followed him and closed the door behind me, feeling it was a somewhat bold move but he didn't protest.

“I came back cause I’m selfish too. I want you forgiveness but I want you back too. For my own happiness. I can't help but be that selfish cause I can't live without you anymore.”

“You did fine in the past few years.” he accused.

“You don't even know.” I said with a sad smile “These years were hell. I was punished by my own guilt everyday. It was nothing else than torture....”

“OHHH, CAUSE FOR ME THEY WERE PARADISE ON EARTH!!” he started screaming again. “AM I SUPOSE TO FORGIVE YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU FELT GUILTY? YOU FELT GUILTY BECAUSE YOU WERE GUILTY!”

“I know, I know. And I don't want you to feel pity for me. I'm just asking for a chance to do whatever it takes to show you how sorry I am. Even if you don't want to look at me ever again... even... even if don't want me in your life ever again... I can accept it. But first I have to do whatever it takes to heal the pain I made you feel. Cause what I really want it's just for you to be happy.” I didn't even noticed the silent tears that fell from my eyes, I could only see the ones rolling down Jae's cheeks.

After a few seconds of silence, Jae:

“You can't. Not even if you try for the rest of your life. So stop trying.”

“I won't stop. I'll do whatever....”

“STOP. How can you give me those years back? How can you bring back the Yunho I used to know and cherish more than my own life? If it wasn't for Yoochun I probably wouldn't be here anymore. I gave up on everything when you left me. I didn't care if I was dead or alive. WHY WOULD I IF THE PERSON I LOVE DIDN'T? And I thought everything would get better with time. I would slowly forget you and it wouldn't be painful to see you on TV and in magazines anymore. BUT IT DIDN'T.

I don't understand Yunho. Why, WHY DID YOU DO THAT? Did I mean nothing to you? My whole life stopped then. Since then I've been pretending to be happy for the sake of others. You say I'm not good at lying, but I had years of practice. I had to lie even to myself to be able to cope with a day after another. Why Yunho?”

I felt like falling to my knees. How could I explain him that I was nothing more than a coward and that I was afraid but I didn't ever meant for him to get hurt. Nothing I could say would be enough.

When I stay silent, looking at the floor, he continue:

“You can't come here and try to pretend nothing happened. I can't deal with that. I can't see you anymore.” when he said that his voice cracked and I looked to his eyes with a pleading expression. I couldn't be away from him anymore.

“I can't see you anymore because I'm as hopelessly in love with you as a I was all that time ago.” my heart started beating faster “And I can't let you use that against me. Please leave.” he was crying even harder “I can't let you use my love for you to...”

It was enough. He loved me and he admitted it. That’s all I needed to hear because I loved him back with every cell of my body.

I interrupted him, pulled him impossibly close to me and catch his lips on mine in a needy, eager and longing kiss. A kiss that was awfully delayed.

He didn't fight. He gave in to the kiss and pulled me back to him, grabbing the back of my shirt and burying his nails in my skin while I roughly grabbed his hair and his waist and pulled him even closer to me. None of us cared that our tears were wetting each others face.

We only broke the kiss when it became impossible for us to keep on without breathing.

I placed my hands on the sides of his face looking at that impossibly perfect men who I missed so much that almost made me crazy.

I hugged him tightly and placed my chin over his head. His cheek was against my chest and my shirt was getting wet.

Embracing him between my arms was like a dream come true. Protecting and cherishing him was all I wanted.

“We'll figure it out.” I said. “I know what I did, I know how you must have hated me. But I want to make things right again. I can't leave without you anymore Jaejoongie. I barely know how I lived until now without you. And I don't have the strength to do that anymore. Let me try. I beg you. Just let me try to earn your forgiveness. You can't imagine how sorry I am. You can't imagine how much I love you, I always have. And you can't deny that this, holding you in my arms, feels right.”

Some minutes went on without him saying anything. And when he responded his voice was more calm, he wasn't crying anymore.

“I've always felt so protected when you hold me like this. Even after a day with 16 hours of training and feeling like I would die of tiredness, you holding me like this gave the energy to continue. It felt that when you hold me like this nothing could harm me, because you were there to protect me. So of course I felt I would die when the one person that I took as my protector was the very one to hurt me and shred my heart into pieces. But I never hated you. I wish I had, that way it would be easier to get over you. But I never could.”

My lips turned into a little smile.

J- “What if you leave me again?”

Y- “I won't. I rather die.”

J- “What if you hurt me again?”

Y- “I won't, I promise. I was scared, I was a coward and that guilt will haunt me forever. But I promise you I'll make you feel safe in my arms again. Just like you felt before.”

J- “Am I weak if I accept you back?”

Y- “No. You are a better person than I am if you find in yourself the will to forgive me.”

J- “But I still can't understand why you did it. I felt so betrayed.”

Y- “I'll try to explain you my feelings at the time as well as I can and I don't need you to forgive me just because I was scared. I will make sure I'm worthy your forgiveness, whatever time it takes.”

J- “People will say things. You won't be able to even meet me once your company finds you.”

Y- “I lost the fear I had for them a long time ago. I don't care what they think or do anymore. I'll always find a way to come to you. Even if I have to run from them.”

J- “I don't want you to leave me again.”

Y- “I told you, I'd rather die. I won't be away more than a few hours or a few days, as long as you want me to come back.”

J- “I'm really weak.”

Y- “Why do you say that?”

J- “Because I don't want you to go away tonight.”

I pulled his chin up and smiled at that beautiful boy before I caught his lips in mine once more.

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