YOOCHUN’S POV

I heard some noises coming from the kitchen. Still sleepy I searched for my phone to see the hours. I had several missed calls but I didn’t even bother to check from who they were. It where still 6 in the morning. Who the hell was being noisy in my house?

I walked on Jaejoong cooking something on my stove.

“Yah, what the hell are you doing? Do you know what time is it?” I screamed startling him.

“Omo. Do you wanna scare me to death? I was about to leave for work but I decided to leave a meal prepared for you first.”

“I know how to cook you know?” I said bitterly.

“Yah, Park Yoochun I was just trying to be nice. I thought you wouldn’t leave that room so soon and I wanted to make sure you would eat something.” He said with a hurt voice. Nice way to start the day, being a to the one person that worries about me.

“Mianhae. I’m grumpy cause I didn’t sleep well all night. But you didn’t have to worry. I’m going to work today so I figured I would eat something there.”

“You are going to work?” he asked in total surprise.

 “Yes I am. Don’t act so surprised. Life goes on.” I said though my voice cracked. During the night I realized that being locked at home only left me more time to keep thinking about… him and getting angry and sad and frustrated about my situation. Self-pity doesn’t suit me, not anymore. So I decide that I should keep my mind busy with work.

“But I thought that Junsu…”

“DON’T TALK ABOUT HIM. I’m okay. Just don’t talk about him.” Jae nodded and we silently ate the scrambled eggs he was preparing, before we went to work.

Eunhyuk looked surprised to see me there but didn’t make any comments, just kept working normally. I was grateful for that.

Sometime during the day someone knocked on my door.

“Hyung, can I come in?” the maknae Min-Kyung asked. I nodded affirmatively. “Hyung are you okay? I could hear you screaming at someone all the way from the practice room?” he asked hesitantly.

“I’m fine. I just don’t like to deal with incompetent people.” I hissed without even taking my eyes of the computer.

“Hmm, I guess the workaholic Yoochun is back then.” Min mumbled.

“What was that?” I said in a stern voice looking at him for the first time and I was shocked with what I see: he was scared of me. He was always the one that showed more respect but this time he was actually scared of how I was acting. “Aishh…” I messed my hair in frustration. Maybe coming to work wasn’t such a good idea. I was ruining everyone’s mood.

“Hyung, it’s okay. You don’t have to pretend that you are not hurt. You are not doing a good job so far. We can see right through you.” He said, surprising me. That kid always knew more than he was supposed to.

“But if I let myself feel all this pain I’ll go crazy. I can’t be that weak…”

“Hyung admitting what you are feeling is being strong. Facing your emotions isn’t being weak. None of us is expecting you to just get on with your life from one day to the other.” He was so right. How could someone so young be so wise?

“But you can’t treat the people that care about you badly either. Jae hyung is really concerned and you are treating him like you don’t need him.” That was the first time for me to be scolded by a teenager.

“You’re right. Maybe I should just go home and…”

“And what? Keep replaying what happen in your head until you go crazy? Your place is here, doing the job you love. But you have to be strong enough to let people in and help you. You don’t have to hide from us.” I nodded affirmatively and smiled at the wise boy.

“Hmm, and hyung, there is something I want to ask you.”

“Yes?”

“You know tomorrow will have a chance to win an award at that show were going to. Even if we don’t win, we really want you to be there.” He said with pleading eyes.

“Of course I will…”

“Choi Changmin will be there.” He cut my sentence. “I think it’s the last show he will attend under the label of his company; he announced today that he will leave his company by the end of the month. I think he is going to this show because he is nominated to an award for a song of an OST, otherwise he wouldn’t even be invited…”

“I’ll go. I’ll definitely go. Don’t worry.” I assured him with a smile and he left my office with a bright expression.

Finally alone I took a little break from work to interiorize Min’s words. I would definitely have to start showing more gratitude towards Jae and stop hiding from what was hurting me.

First step: check the dozens of missed calls on my phone.

I was not surprised to see that 99% of them were from Junsu and the remaining were from Jae.

It actually made me a bit happy to see that he was trying to contact me. I checked the messages from Jae and I couldn’t help but smile cause his messages were just like the one’s of a mother.

After that I just stared at the phone for several minutes, maybe gaining courage, before I decided to check some of Junsu’s messages. I started by the oldest one:

“Yoochun-a where are you? Please I need to talk to you. Just let me explain. Please don’t run from me. You’re not at your place; nobody at the company knows where you are. Call me. I going to run all over the city till I find you…” his uneven breaths showed that he was literally ruining and I could hear drivers yelling at him to get out of the road. Was he being so reckless to the point that he would risk getting run over? “Please be ok.” He mumbled in a low concerned voice before the message ended.

My chest felt tighten. I didn’t know what that message actually made me feel. I checked the time it was recorded. By that time I was laying unconscious and numb in a boat half destroyed by my rage. By that time he wasn’t the only one looking for me. But the fact that he did made the pain get a bit softer.

Without hesitation I checked a more recent message:

“Yoochun-a… Chunnie…” he mumbled between sobs, I could barely understand what he was saying. “I didn’t mean to. You have to understand… I need to see you… fell like I’m dying…” I figured out parts of his sentences but he was crying so hard that he couldn’t even speak right. “Junsu come on. Give up for know. We’ll call him again later. You have to rest a bit now. Or at least eat something. Come on, stop crying. You’ll end up getting sick this way. Give me the phone…” it was Junho’s voice. When he tried to take Junsu’s phone he started screaming something I couldn’t understand and the message ended.

My chest felt even tighter and the fact that Junsu was suffering was making my own pain grow again. It was comforting to at least now that someone was watching over him.

I listened to the next message. I needed to hear that Junsu was ok. That he had at least stop crying.

“Yoochun-shi.” It was Junho’s voice and he was being extremely formal and distant. “I could barely make Junsu eat something since… that happened. He is now sleeping for the first time but only because I put some sleeping pills in his drink. I know you are hurt but if you just listen to what he has to say… Changmin is someone with whom he has a past with. A long time ago Changmin hurt him just like you are feeling hurt now. And it took him ages to get over that bastard. Now he returned and claims to have all these feelings for Junsu and says that he regrets not being smart enough to return Junsu’s feelings at that time.” He made a long pause. I didn’t know what his point was but his story was only bringing my rage back. “Whatever Changmin fells, says or does its Changmin’s business and fault. But Junsu wants nothing else that to be with you, to at least talk to you and be sure you are okay.”

BUT I’M NOT OKAY” I screamed to the stupid phone.

“Junsu wanted to help Changmin getting trough the harsh situation he was going trough. For the sake of their friendship. NOTHING ELSE. Changmin was the only one to take advantage of the situation. If you could just send him a message or something telling him that you are alive it would be great. I’m with you, I hate that Changmin guy. But I can’t stand seeing my brother like this.”

The message ended and I kept repeating the story Junho had told me in my head. Processing it.

“Maybe I should just… call him?! Leave him a message? Maybe it’s all that guys fault… If Junsu is like this, it means he wants to be with me…” I mumbled to myself.

Finally I decided to hear the last message:

“Yoochun.” Junsu’s voice was more stern and distant this time. No crying or screaming. But his voice, even through the phone showed a deep sadness. “Yoochun I don’t know what to do anymore. I never meant to hurt you. What you saw, that stupid horrible kiss, was not initiated by me. I never wanted that. Changmin was the one… No, it’s not Changmin’s fault either. I failed to make you trust me.” A long pause. “If I could only have made you trust me you wouldn’t have run like that. You would have let me explain and everything would be ok. Maybe you would punch Changmin or something.” He giggled a sad giggle that broke my heart. “At least that’s what I dream of when I fall asleep.” Another pause. “I have no one else to blame but myself. I knew someone like me, that does what I do, never inspires much trust. I just thought I was able to show you my true self. Now I see I failed.” Another pause and I felt like I would explode from frustration.

“I decided I won’t bother you anymore. This is my last message. My last act to show you how much I love you is to let you go. I wish you’ll be has happy has you made me. Goodye… Chunnie”.

I threw the phone to my desk and just let out a scream of pure frustration. That feeling of closure was driving me mad. I wanted him to keep chasing after me; I didn’t want him to give up. How selfish was I being?

I was coming to realize that maybe this whole situation was more my fault for not giving him a chance to explain than Changmin’s fault. What was I gonna do now? Should I be the one to chase Junsu now? For what I understood from those messages he didn’t look a bit interested in Changmin.

“Yap, I have to go talk with him…” I was about to get up and walk out the door but then I remembered:

“If Changmin doesn’t mean anything to him anymore why didn’t he tell me about their whole past when he told me Changmin was trying to hire him? At least why didn’t he tell me that they knew each other? Did he actually have something to hide?...”

My thoughts were interrupted by some noise coming from my phone. I thought the message had ended but I could still hear Junsu moving through the phone. Apparently he left his phone without realizing.

“Hyung…” I heard someone call Junsu and I petrified when I recognized the voice.

“What the hell Changmin, don’t you knock anymore? This is my room. You have no right just entering like that.” Junsu answered. I ran to the phone without even noticing. Somehow I felt that conversation I wasn’t supposed to hear could give me the answers I needed.

J- “What do you want?” Junsu mumbled.

C- “Hmm at least you’re not kicking me out anymore.” Changmin pointed.

J- “What’s the point on that?” Junsu’s voice was so low and without that cheer and energy that he always had. It was weird, it made me feel weird.

C- “I couldn’t find him.” When Junsu didn’t respond he continued: “I couldn’t find that Yoochun guy. Sorry. I really wanted to make things right. I don’t want you to get mad at me.”

J- “You don’t have too. I’m the one who messed everything up, I’m the one who has to fix things. But it’s useless. I’m a person not worthy of trust. Nobody would believe my side of the story after knowing that I keep company to people for a living. I don’t think he did ever truly believe that that is all I do. And that is my own fault for not being able to show people that I am more than a man-. It’s useless. He should be with someone better. I called him right before you came in. It’s over. I won’t bother him anymore.” Junsu’s lifeless voice was disturbing. I just wanted to yell at the recorded message and put some sense in his head.

C- “Then stay with me.” Changmin’s voice said after a long break, making my heart skip a bit “I now you Junsu, the real you. I would never question who you are or loose to something stupid like that guy is doing.”

J- “Funny you say that when you were the cause of it all.” Junsu chuckled without a bit of happiness in his voice.

C- “That’s what I mean. If the papers were inversed I would hear your story and believe you before storming out like a spoiled…”

J- “If you end that sentence you can just get the hell out of this room and never return again.” Junsu warned with a fierce voice. He was still defending me.

C- “And yet you’re defending him. He is wrong; he is just making you suffer. Just forget him. Junsu-ah I’m talking very serious: forget him and be with me!” The tone of Changmin’s voice was now very deep and seemed very sincere, what just made me angrier. I was clinging on the phone waiting for Junsu’s answer when the “beep” that signals the end of the message sounded.

I threw my phone to the other side of the room and screamed in anger. Jaejoong rushed into my office with a worried look:

“Yoochun… What happened?”

“You. Get me a fine suit. I have a award show to go to.” I said in a determined attitude. Jae looked surprise but also pleased with my change of attitude and runned out of my office screaming:

“It’s aliveeeee!” making me chuckle.

The next day, already in the car and heading to the show, Jae was trying to understand why I changed my mind and my attitude so fast. I told him all about the messages I heard.

“You see Jae, I was being stupid. Aishh, so stupid. I won’t lose Junsu, not like this. I didn’t give him a chance to explain because I was too involved in my own pain. But maybe he has no fault at all and I’m risking losing him over nothing. Even if it is he’s fault and I can’t find in me to forgive him I have to give it a shot first. I can’t just lose hand him to that Changmin guy without a fight.”

A glance of understanding splattered all over Jae’s face and he chuckled.

“What?”

“It’s a competition then.” He said pleased.

“What??” I asked again, a bit lost.

“The thing that motivated you to win Junsu back was not just the fact that you realized you were being immensely stupid to not even let him explain. It was the fear of losing him to someone else. It’s a competition.” I looked at him with a strict face. But I knew deep inside he was a bit right. “Maybe the illness will be the cure too.” He added already getting out of the car, not giving me a chance to ask him what he meant.

We headed to our seats. People were shaking hands, giving hugs, cheerfully talking all around us; people that were meeting long time friends from the music business there. Me and Jae just quietly seat in our places knowing that no one would want to greet us.

Scanning the room I found someone just as quiet and as lonely as us. The only difference between him and us was that he was staring blankly at his hands, tears on the corner of his eyes, absolutely lost and not knowing how to deal with all the indifference towards him. I could almost feel sympathetic, hell I had been in his place a few years ago; I just got used to people not caring about me. I actually could feel sorrow for that guy if it wasn’t Changmin.

His eyes met mine and he smirked. Unconsciously I let out a growl of anger that made Jae hit me in my ribs.

“Behave.” He warned.

“But… he… that son of a… he just smirked…” I protested.

“The last time I checked smirking was still legal in Korea.” He retorted just when someone called our names.

“Annyonghaseyo. Park Yoochun-shi and Kim Jaejoong-shi am I correct?” a middle aged man asked us. We vowed politely and introduced ourselves. He introduced himself as a scout for one new company that we had barely heard of. He just wanted to compliment us on the big success of M-Domain and praise our work to create such great talents with such young boys.

We thanked and kept bowing as he walked away to his seat. Jae stared at me and I back to him with a silly smile on our faces. Was our work finally being recognized beyond the
prejudgments that had kept us in the dark for so long?

Our wondering was interrupted by the beginning of the show. Though it wasn’t a very distinguished award it was the first award for which M-Domain had been nominated so Jae and I were as anxious as the boys.

The show was at its middle when the award for best original song of an OST was presented. Childishly I was rotting for anyone but Choi Changmin to win. When the presenter announced he was in fact the winner I could notice how the applauses for him were much fewer than for the other winners and the whispers and concealed laughs were more audible. I forced myself to not feel pity and closed my eyes when he went on stage to perform the song, refusing to watch his performance.

That was pointless. Once he started to sing I had to look at him. He had a magnificent voice. He sang with passion and soul. His voice was high-pitched but refreshing. I didn’t know his work or who even was before I caught him kissing Junsu so I was really surprised. And so was Jaejoong. He was staring at Changmin like he had just seen an angel.

“Jaejoong you’re starting to drool.” I complained, not liking that Jae was so surrendered to that guy, even though I was amazed to. I just didn’t want to admit it.

“I don’t care. He is too good.” He answered still staring at the singer.

“Why don’t you go ahead and kiss him to?” I mumbled.

“Aish… Arasso, arasso. Changmin , he’s a bad guy, nappeun namja.” He said trying to show he was still on my side.

Changmin’s performance ended but didn’t earn half the applauses it should, though Jae clapped like a maniac and applauded as at least three people.

The show quickly reached its end and the last award was for revelation of the year. Every band nominated was very good and had been around for a bit longer then M-Domain, being more recognized by the public. I wasn’t really surprised when M-Domain didn’t win but I still felt sad. The boys clapped for the winner and politely congratulate them before coming to meet me and Jae with a sad though resigned face on their smiles.

“Your time will come guys.” was all I could say to them.

“We know hyung. We aren’t even sad, so you don’t be either.” Man-Yung comforted s like a good leader but his words were mostly to Jae who seemed about to start screaming in frustration or capable of running to the stage and demand that the prize was given to M-Domain.

“I need to talk with you.” Someone pocked my shoulder. I turned to face a very serious Changmin.

“Talk then.” I said between my teeth.

“Not here, maybe somewhere more quiet where we can talk in particular.” Changmin suggested, very aware of the six people on my back ready to jump on him if he barely crossed the line.

“I’m fine here. Let’s hear it. Do you want to inform me that you want Junsu to be with you? I think you made it very clear when you kissed him.” I retorted. He didn’t lose his composure. The members didn’t seem a bit shocked by my words so I assumed Jae or the know it all maknae had told them the details of what happened.

“Actually I wanted to ask you to go back to him. At least hear what he has to say.” That really took me by surprise. It took me a few seconds to gather something to answer.

“Do you really think I need advice from the person who ruined my relationship in the first place? I’m at fault towards Junsu but I will talk with him and hear him out because I want to and because I come to realize that’s the right thing to do. Not because you tell me to. What do you expect to gain from this? Do you think Junsu will see the goodness of your heart and choose you instead of me?” he didn’t answer me. “Anyways there are matters that I have to discuss with Junsu that go beyond you stealing a kiss from him. So STOP. MEDDLING. IN. MY. LIFE. Just get lost.” I turned my back on him and started walking away when his chuckle made me stop. Even with my back him I could picture that smirk on his face.

“You really have no trust in him at all. Do you think you really deserve him? From the way he talks about you I kind of thought you were some sort of demi-god and that only you could make him happy. I came here willing to get you two back together just to see Junsu happy. But you know what? I was wrong. You’re nothing but a boy with trust issues. And Junsu deserves more. I’ll fight for him and give him more. So be prepared: you have competition. And right now I think I’m winning.” He ended with another chuckle and started walking away. I had my fists clenched and was summoning all my will-power to not lose control.

“Oh, one more thing. Are you really sure I had to STOLE that kiss?” he added and that just made me lose control, jump over him and hit him wherever I could with every strength I have.

The remaining people were screaming all around us, Jae and the boys trying to separate us, and the photographers and journalists that were still around taking pictures of every second. But Changmin and I were to immersed in our fight to even notice.