34 ★ Should I
The Star-Crossed Hearts
"So...," Jungsoo puts down his drink and raises his eyebrow, "...are you going to meet up with him or not?"
I almost choked out because of the milk tea but I cough up, trying to calm myself. It's kind of useless since my heart is still beating out of control and I still haven't met him yet.
Today I met up with Park Jungsoo, my best friend since junior high school. We rarely meet each other but we maintain a really good friendship; sometimes it feels like we can read each other's mind.
It's been four years since the last time we met so we have exchanged stories of our lives during lunchtime. I ended up knowing that he is in a middle of complex and questionable relationship with a girl and, of course, he found out about my confusion as well.
As if God is trying to give me a test, after we watched a movie and sat at a coffee shop, a new message notification popped out on my phone screen.
It's from Kim Myungsoo.
"Where are you, Hyung? Want to join us? My ex is here. Aish, it feels so awkward."
When I had lunch, I did find out that he would come to this mall with Sungyeol but I don't have any intention to join since they are on their own. Besides I'm accompanying Jungsoo, right?
I told Myungsoo that he just needed to text me if they had arrived but... his ex? Seriously? Does he even need to tell that to me?
"You know, boys don't usually mention 'an ex' to random friends," Jungsoo states with teasing gaze. "I repeat it. I think you two are compatible. Not the perfect couple but, yeah, good together."
"Jungsoo, stop trying to make me happy," I warn him playfully. Good, now my face feels hot. "I've told you about his ex, right? Of course he will feel awkward around her now."
My best friend laughs, "That's not the point, Riah. Look, you like him and it's not a sin. Meet up with him when you can. Hey, you told me to do what you could so you would not regret anything later, right?"
"Well, I did but...," I stop and decide to continue drinking my drink. "But the more I meet him, the more I will feel confused, Jungsoo. I don't know. Ah, I really don't know!"
It will be Myungsoo's birthday within eleven days and I'm still in dilemma whether I should give him a birthday present or not. There is no specific reason but maybe...
...I'm just afraid.
Ever since we attended the wedding party together, doubt got me to the deepest thought of whether I should just stop or not. With Jieul's help, I found out that Myungsoo actually wants a maroon-colored shirt now.
All I need to do is just buy the shirt and prepare something else that I already have in mind; something that has hidden messages inside which tell my feeling for him.
Should I?
"Just think of it as the last present," Jungsoo assures me. "I mean whether you want to give up or not, at least you do the best, right?"
"What matters the most is you give him sincerely. I'm sure he will be really happy. I would be the happiest person ever to receive that special present like how you described it," Jungsoo grins, encouraging me. "Riah, have a faith in yourself."
Faith.
"Come on," Jungsoo stands up and gives me a sign to follow him. "I'll walk with you to meet him. I'm allowed to see his face, right?"
I chuckle and leave my seat, composing myself from the uncontrollable heartbeat, knowing that I'm going to meet Myungsoo.
It's funny how he can make me feel this way even just through messages. It's like the world is trying to remind me that it's just nearly impossible for me to move on from loving him.
When did I start to love Myungsoo this much?
"Yah, Kim Myungsoo, where are you?" I ask him through phone, looking around to find him. "I'm in front of the department store."
"Me too," he replies shortly. "Wait. Hmm, are you walking to the department store with a guy? I see you already. Here."
There. My heart skips a beat when I see him in a black polo shirt. He waves to me with a wide grin, "Yo, Hyung. How's the movie?"
"Good," I answer simply. I turn to Jungsoo and nod to him, "Well. Thanks for today, Jungsoo. I'll see you again later. Take care."
To be honest, I don't know if I'm being weird or else, I am expecting Myungsoo to ask about Jungsoo. Anything will do. I mean... if he asks, perhaps he actually cares for me.
But it's a really wishful thinking.
"Come on, Sungyeol is waiting," he points to our friend who is waiting at the other side. He tucks his hand inside of the pockets and mumbles, "The girls are trying some dresses. Just wait for them."
He doesn't even ask a single question. Well, of course he won't. Why should he ask about Jungsoo? He doesn't care. At all. Not even from the start anyway so why would he care now?
"Oh, Riah!" Yeorin, Myungsoo's ex-girlfriend greets me. She is wearing a dress, showing her beauty and elegant side. How can I ever win his heart if I'm nothing compared to Yeorin?
We decide to have something to eat first and, for my surprise, Myungsoo is the first to open a conversation with me. He starts to talk about his office, "Aish, it's so damn irritating, Hyung! That fuc-"
"Word!" I warn him before he could let out another curse upon a person that caused his supervisor to call him on Monday meeting because of a joke. "Watch your tongue, Mr Kim."
He grins awkwardly and continues again, "That silly guy happened to..."
It's just a friendly gesture, I tell myself as I listen to his story. It's because Yeorin is with us that he chooses to talk with me instead of walking side by side with her.
Sounds pessimistic but I think it's the truth.
During the lunch, I just play my phone randomly while Myungsoo enjoys his food. The others are talking about upcoming holiday and I just can't chirp in like what I always do when I'm with Jieul.
"Skip to that place," Myungsoo speaks out when Sungyeol asks his opinion to their new plan. "That place is too far and crowded. It's so damn confusing there."
I frown upon his choice of words but I can't say a word. I mean there are the others and there is no way I scold him in front of them; who am I for Myungsoo?
Myungsoo notices that my gaze is on him and he asks innocently, "What?"
"Nothing," I smile and look away but I hear him mumbles, "I think I know."
Once all of us are finished with food, we leave the restaurant. Myungsoo and I are the last so I use the chance to ask him, "What do you think I have in mind when I stared at you, eh?"
He shrugs and laughs, "Because I used word that I'm not supposed to use."
Heat creeps to my cheeks that I immediately need to avoid his gaze. How could he notice that little unnecessary and unimportant detail?
Is it really alright for me to keep loving him in silence like this? Should I just pretend that nothing happened?
Or is it better for me to give away the birthday present along with my feeling? Should I just leave this complex feeling behind?
What should I do?
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