29 ★ Luck: One in Heart
The Star-Crossed Hearts
Two weeks.
For fourteen days I have been screwing myself with negative thoughts and everything, feeling like the biggest fool in the world for doing whatever I wanted without thinking of the consequences.
If it's not Kim Myungsoo, I don't think I will be this frustrated. It's because him that I can't live a day without thinking of him.
Ever since the last conversation we had of 'no comment' stuff, I never really talked with him. Whenever I tried to strike a conversation, he would respond as simple as possible.
Maybe it's just me being silly but I have a feeling that he actually draws distance with me, the childish girl who has shown signs of harboring feeling towards him.
To be honest I have been thinking about it lately but I still have no answer.
Ten months ago I accepted the offer to go with him alone just to discuss about his final project. I agreed to watch a movie with him nine months ago without asking who would go with us. I came to his final project presentation eight months ago even though I had finished mine.
I even gave him a hint by asking what if someone was in love with him. Is it just me or he is being so dense? Or is it because I don't give enough signs?
"Riah?" Jieul calls out for me, waving her hand to show me where she is. "Come on! Let's play monopoly! I'm bored already!"
I smile and approach her, trying my best to hide my unexpressed feeling. It happened for the past ten months already so why do I need to bother with it now?
Today we're celebrating Jieul's birthday by going to karaoke, one of our favorite hobbies together. Since it's Sunday and the rooms are fully booked, we must wait for one hour there before our turn arrives.
"Hey, anyone wants to watch the new movie after this?" Yoojoon asks as he throws the die since it's his turn. "You know, the one with teddy bear on the cover."
His question eventually makes me feel down all of a sudden. It reminds me of a message from Sungjong last week and it actually made my negative thought worsened.
The new movie is indeed famous and I have reminded Sungyeol that we should watch it later. That's why when Sungjong asked me whether I would watch it on Monday or not, I told him that I would wait for Sungyeol.
However Sungjong honestly told me that the boys were going to watch the new movie that night: Sungyeol, Woohyun, Dongwoo, and Myungsoo.
I felt like I would crush my phone if it's possible. Not to mention Myungsoo did tweet about going to watch the movie but there were no mention for me.
Is this what it feels like for being left by friends who I considered as close ones? Or is it because I'm afraid that Myungsoo has drawn quite a distance with me?
I don't know... but I guess it's obvious now that he has no special feeling for me.
Because if he does, he would say something to me, wouldn't he?
"Riah is going to lose for sure!" Haemin giggles and help me to pay the Income Tax since I just landed on the unlucky space. "How come you always land on all boxes but countries space?!"
Sooeun laughs and adds, "Or she will stop to get the Chance and Community Chest cards! You're so not good in Monopoly game, Riah!"
I just give them a bitter smile, knowing that I will never win this game anyway. I'm never good in monopoly and I don't know why either.
We stop playing when our turn for the karaoke room has came. After two hours of singing songs, we return to our own places but the night hasn't ended.
Yet.
"Riah, any good news between you and Myungsoo?"
Haemin sent me a message. I hesitate to answer her but I tell her anyway, that she doesn't need to ask since there will be no such thing as a good news.
"Maybe I'll give up eventually. Only a miracle will help me to win his heart."
"Yah, Su Riah! Are you going to give up without telling him? Oh, come on! Ten months! You can't give up without saying a word to him!"
It's not that easy.
I really want to tell that to Haemin but I don't. There are moments when I thought I should just told Myungsoo but I just couldn't.
Fear, perhaps. I don't know. I just can't bring myself to say the word of confession towards Myungsoo.
"You know, falling in love with him is like my luck in playing monopoly game."
I type the message slowly, choosing the words which describe what I'm thinking right now. It's not a kind of beautiful poetry or quote though.
Monopoly. A board game where the players need to throw die to decide their steps so they can but lands and build houses there. If you're not lucky enough, get ready to enter the jail box or Income Tax space.
Luck.
That's one thing I need to have now.
"I throw my die and always manage to avoid stopping on other lands but I never end up on the space that I really want to stop by."
"I have so many chances to be with him but there is no Goddess of Fortune who helps me to be together with him."
"So, yes, I need luck to get the perfect result..."
"...so I can stop on the right space: his heart."
★ ★ ★
Haemin's words are still echoing in my mind even though a week has passed since our night conversation.
Confession.
Should I do it?
I glance at my phone screen, heaving a sigh with frustration. It's the third day and Myungsoo still hasn't replied my message where I asked him about buying a new phone.
He doesn't update his Twitter. He doesn't update anything at all since Friday. It's Sunday night and I still have no idea where he is.
I'm worried. I know it's no use of it but I'm really worried yet I can't do nothing. I want to text him but I'm afraid that he will think that I'm being aggressive.
"Aigoo!" I mess my hair and throw my phone on bed. "Just forget it, Su Riah! Who do you think you are?!"
As if God answers my question, my phone suddenly vibrates, a sign that I just received a new message. At first I thought it's Jieul since I'm in a middle of discussing something with her.
"Sorry for the late reply. I went out of town and I forgot to bring my phone. kkk~"
Myungsoo. It's from Kim Myungsoo.
Despite the fact that he doesn't reply me with any enthusiasm, I heave a sigh in relief, feeling that I even can cry if I don't hold my tears back.
Finally he responds... and I know he is alright.
That's enough for me. As much as I want to talk more and more with him, this is already enough: to know that he is perfectly alright.
I press the play button on my iPod and let a random song to play, feeling slightly better after days of wondering where he was.
"When I feel that there is a space in my heart that you touch
And when I've realized that love is not always beautiful"
Ah, I know this song. It's one of my favorite songs since high school. It brings back memories though.
"Perhaps I should have understood that I'm not the one you want
Is it wrong if you're the one in my heart?"
I frown; is it just me exaggerating things or the lyrics actually reflect my heart?
"Do you have me in your heart?
Is it possible that you miss being with me?
Do you have any fragments of me in your heart?
If I am bothersome to you
Is it possible that you don't want me by your side?
Will you have any fragments of me in your heart?"
My lips turn into a bitter smile, wondering if I dedicate this song to Kim Myungsoo, will he realize how much I have been in love with him this long.
"If I am the one who should have understood
Why can't I have your love?
Is it wrong if you are the one in my heart?"
Is it wrong? This is exactly a question I have in mind nowadays. Is it wrong that I'm worried about him? Is it wrong that I care so much about him? Is it wrong that I love him?
Is it wrong that I can't erase his smile from my mind? Is it wrong that I can't get him out of my heart?
"If there won't be love between us
I just want to understand
Do you have me in your heart?
And do you know if you're the one in my heart?"
I bite my bottom lip as my heart aches in pain. Will Myungsoo ever know my heart if I never say anything to him?
"You're the one in my heart."
__________
Author's Note:
The lyrics of the song Riah was listening is derived from an Indonesian song (yes, not a Korean one).
I translated it into English. It's actually somehow a popular song in my country.
Please do tell me if there is anything I can do to write a better chapter later!
Drop by the comment box about your thought of this story. :)
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