17 ★ What Do I Want
The Star-Crossed Hearts
"I wish I can play guitar."
I smile like an idiot as I tweet what I'm thinking about. I quickly hide my smile since I'm afraid that people will ask me what I'm thinking about.
Right now I'm on the bus, heading out of the town for a work meeting. I'll stay at another town for three days and two nights before I return to Seoul.
I just watched my favorite artist played a guitar and, ever since whenever, I'm always interested with guys who can play guitar. It's just a coincidence that Kim Myungsoo, the one who I have crush on right now, can also play guitar.
The next thing happens is something that makes me grin even wider. Myungsoo actually replies to my tweet, telling me that it's a good thing that I want to play guitar.
"But I can't. No cure for that. ㅜㅜ"
Two weeks have passed since my birthday and there is nothing special happened. I spend my days with work from Monday morning till Friday night so I barely have time to think about anything else.
Honestly speaking I'm actually trying really hard to forget about Myungsoo but, well, like some said though the more you try to forget, the harder it becomes.
It's like whenever I have decided to move on, he comes closer in his own way.
Just like now.
"I'll teach you if you want. ^^"
His reply makes me drop my jaw in surprise. Is it real? Is it not a dream? Is it even possible?
"Really? Don't give me a false hope! kekeke. I think there is a guitar at my house."
"It's okay, Riah," I whisper to myself, leaning my head to the window. "Don't think too much. It's nothing special. It's nothing."
"Sure. As long as there is guitar, I'll teach you. kekeke"
Things like these are the reasons why I can't forget him easily. It's like he knows that I want to remove him from my mind as someone special, which is impossible for him to know.
It's like he is torturing me slowly. The fact that he doesn't know makes everything more painful actually. Maybe I'm just being overreacting but that's what I'm feeling.
A friend asked me why I never tried to tell him about what I feel for him in indirect way. My reason is pretty simple.
Because I'm afraid.
I'm afraid that our friendship will not remain anymore if he notices my feeling. I'm afraid that there will be a high wall between us and we'll never talk again.
Maybe I'm just a coward, I tell myself.
I've told myself to concentrate with my work instead of him for the next days. On the last day, I decide to buy something for my friends; anything that we can eat together.
On our way back to Seoul, I am hesitating whether to send a text message to Myungsoo or not. I bought extra cheese snacks for him since I know that he loves cheese... while I hate it.
What if he thinks that it's weird for me to give him? What if he will notice something is suspicious?
"Hey, I have an extra snack. Do you want some?"
I heave a sigh after I hit the send button. I tried to arrange the question in the most common way. My friend actually said that's probably the reason why he never realized my feeling for him.
Do I want him to realize it? Do I really want that?
"Sure! But how can I take it from you? Right! We will play football next week. Why don't you bring it there so everyone can eat it together?"
I grit my teeth when I read his reply. Is my question not clear enough? That I want to give him and not the others?
Or is he too dense to realize it? Or is he just trying to avoid it?
"Su Riah, you're such an idiot," I sigh and close my eyes. I feel tired even though I'm doing nothing. "He knows nothing..."
Nothing.
What do I want actually?
For him to notice that I see him more than just friends?
For him to know that I fall for him?
Or for him to see me as a special one?
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