32 ★ Irreplaceable
The Star-Crossed Hearts
I lay down on my bed, staring at my phone screen and realizes something which feels both important and useless at the same time: it's almost eleven months since I realized I fell for Myungsoo.
Eleven months of loving a person who doesn't feel the same for me. Eleven months of thinking about a guy who never seems to do the same. Eleven months of being a fool in love.
Seriously. I really need to stop drowning in melancholic thought. But why do things turn out to be more difficult and painful whenever I want to forget my feeling for him?
Probably loving him is the most complex feeling I ever had in my life up till this moment. How can I describe it? The feeling of knowing what we want yet we can't have.
For example you have a book which is only published for limited edition. It's right in front of you and no one takes it and walks to the cashier but you can't buy it either. Only people with special access can go to the store and buy it.
Unfortunately, I'm not the person with that 'special access' to Myungsoo's heart.
"Riah! Yah, Su Riah!" Jieul's voice snaps me back to the Earth. She frowns with suspicious gaze, "Were you even listening to me?"
"Eh?" I blink and give her an apologetic grin. "Sorry. Not really. I was... Just being random. What did you just say?"
We're in the middle of our way to attend an annual event out of the town, spending two days with our college friends, forgetting all the tasks at office for a while.
The reason why I'm staring at the calendar on my phone is kind of a gesture which happened out of my consciousness.
Because it's four years already. Right on this date, four years ago, my first serious romantic relationship began. He's with someone else now and I'm over him now.
Some said that you never stopped loving someone; a little piece of the love will always stay with you. I need to agree with it somehow; the brain probably forget but your heart doesn't.
However it's not my ex-boyfriend who fills my mind now. It's actually someone else, a friend of me who is currently exchanging text messages with me since days ago, who resembles him somehow.
Well, we did have a history. Not me. Him. Lee Jonghyun. The guy who was once really close with me one year ago.
It started with him telling me a story about his crush. Things kept going on and he finally stated that he had stopped hoping for the girl. That's when Jieul asked me about what if Jonghyun actually liked me.
Me, being the insensitive girl ever, ignored the warning. I didn't remember exactly how the conversation went on but he finally confessed that he didn't only see me as an ordinary friend.
Being honest and truthful, I told him that I didn't feel the same and I felt more comfortable as best friends with him. But guess what? I hate rejection, be it me as the one who gets rejected or me as the one who rejects.
After the short confession, we drifted away. We stopped talking unless it's necessary. Whenever I tried to start a conversation, it didn't feel the same anymore, as if Jonghyun had built a wall between us.
Around a week ago, I called him on chat to ask him opinion about computer stuff since he's good with it. The conversation went on and on and I must admit that I feel happy.
Or at least I think so.
Jieul said that Jonghyun is so much better than Myungsoo. One side note, I did compare them once; Jonghyun has the caring side with him, like scolding me playfully if I forgot to eat or just asking me whether if I had arrived at home or not.
Simple but meaningful action, I must admit. Things that Myungsoo never does.
Ironically it's also the reason why I start to miss Myungsoo. Why do I even need to miss him?
I don't know. I just do.
"Myungsoo will come to my sister's wedding party," Jieul looks at me with serious look. "He will come with Haemin."
Eh?
"Haemin asked him to come and he agreed," Jieul continues, putting an expression of waiting for my reaction. "You're okay with it, right, Riah?"
How can I answer that question? I don't know. Why did he agree? He doesn't even know Jieul's sister! What...
In two weeks, I will attend Jieul's sister wedding party with Yoojoon and Haemin but, really, I didn't expect Myungsoo to be with us as guests.
It's true that I'm not jealous with Haemin. I'm just curious but I don't really want to care about it. I should be happy, I know, but my heart just doesn't want to synchronize with my brain.
I want to see him.
"Why do you ask?" I fake a laugh and return my gaze to phone, reading a new text message from Jonghyun. "He can do whatever he wants, right?"
Right. Myungsoo and I have no connection. We're just classmates and that's all I need to be for him. Just that.
Jieul smiles sheepishly and then teases me, "How's Jonghyun then?"
How can I tell Jieul that no matter how caring Jonghyun is, even though Jonghyun is better compared to Myungsoo, my heart only remembers and wants Myungsoo.
I'm getting tired of this one-sided love. I have enough of the heartache whenever I think of Myungsoo. I want to stop being this pathetic fool in love. Maybe I just need to try giving all my attention to Jonghyun.
But I just can't. I just can't move on from this feeling.
I'm getting tired of this one-sided love. I have enough of the heartache whenever I think of Myungsoo. I want to stop being this pathetic fool in love. Maybe I just need to try giving all my attention to Jonghyun.
But I just can't. I just can't move on from this feeling.
He is irreplaceable.
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