PLAYLIST: “Thinking Out Loud,” Ed Sheeran

BAEKHYUN

. The word skims right off my mouth way too easily and I feel a tingle on my chest.

I must have really busted my head real hard. Plus, they gave me medication in the hospital when they were treating my head. It wasn’t anything huge and too worrisome but the wound is deep enough to give me some discomfort. Thank God it didn’t require stitches though, I would have hated that part the most. Rough day for me and here I am, teasing my girlfriend as if we can even do anything at all. This is nothing but self-torture.

My girlfriend gives me a darting gaze. She snorts a laugh but doesn’t say anything else. I turn my attention back to what I am doing to cut the rising tension. I should probably stop before hell breaks loose.

Personally, I am not that sick and twisted to really want to go that path, no matter how much I love my girlfriend. I am a very neat person and that is not going to change just because I’m a as hell. I rip the pack of soup mix and pour the powder into the boiling water. “You’re being silly.” I finally hear Dohee’s reluctant retort which makes me chuckle. I follow my gaze as she walks away. I assume she went to the living room because I heard the TV getting . Well, at least I’m not the only one in this apartment.

I blow air in my cheeks and shake myself away. I wince when I clumsily lift my eyebrows way too much and I feel a tingle on my wound. I stir the soup as I lower the heat. I set the ladle down before lifting both of my arms up to check my other mild injuries. They don’t really bother me as much but they still do not look too pleasant in the eyes. I have really pale skin and it’s showing quite prominently. My brief self-examination gets interrupted when my phone vibrates. It’s an email.

Elite Hair Studio just updated our schedule board for the rest of the year. “Oh —” I briefly peel my eyes away from the phone to put the kettle that I had just grabbed down the stove. From what I am reading, the dates for the upcoming seminar and convention we need to go to it set. It’s a five-day event in Tokyo from eighteenth to twenty-third of November. This is not good. I place my phone down the counter, my thoughts quickly flooding my head with worry.

Dohee’s birthday is on the twentieth of November and I had plans for that day. We were planning to go camping together. Now, I have to cancel or postpone it. Seminars and conventions are usually very important, these are the types of events where we can’t say no to. Half of the Elite stylists will all be going to have our own booth for the said convention since Bomi noona has been developing our own haircare line. Apparently, she wants to try and launch it internationally through this convention.

“Uh, okay.” I take my phone with me again as I turn the stove off to set the soup on a pot holder. “Dohee?” I hurriedly walk to the living room. I need to talk to her about this as soon as possible. She turns from the television before moving herself to give me space to sit. “We kind of need to talk about your birthday?” I go straight with it as I flop on the space next to her.

She narrows her eyes at me teasingly. “That’s like a month away, don’t worry about it.” She laughs while nudging me. Her gaze falls back toward the television again while pressing a throw pillow against her abdomen. She still looks in pain and it’s hurting me to be breaking this news to her. I know how excited she is for her first birthday with me. “No, uh—hmm, how do I say it.” Something tugs on my chest tightly as I plot the right words to say in my head. “Well, uhm, you see—” I look away and sigh. I am too scared to possibly hear something that I’ve heard before in the past. You only care about your career or something along those lines. I really don’t want to hear that from her. “What is it?” She gives me a suspicious smile.

She shifts her weight and leans more towards me, peering at me patiently. “I won’t be here on your birthday.” It finally comes out of my mouth and I anxiously wait for her reaction.

She gives me a half-hearted nod, her should slumping slightly. “You see, it’s work-related. I have to be in Tokyo for an event for five days and unfortunately, it hit your birthday. Also, Taewoo and I might have to help with all the preparations and product developments prior to it because we will be launching our—”

“It sounds fun, I’ve always wanted to go to Tokyo too. I’m excited for you.” She slinks away from me and presses her lips together in a tight line. She’s disappointed, isn’t she? Her weak smile says it all. My stomach clenches as I watch her stand. I scrape a hand over my face as frustration grow inside of me. “Is the soup done? Let’s go eat, I’m hungry. Let’s share it!” She speaks with a bright tone that I can easily tell is faked.

I follow her into the kitchen and watch her pour the soup in two bowls. “Love, I know it’s hard for both of us to easily take holidays in a short amount of time so what if … we just camp when I get back so we can notify work in advance?” I suggest, my gaze tracking her every movement. She winces when she accidentally touches the hot pot. “Ooh! That’s hot. But this looks good! Like egg-drop soup, you did good.” She exclaims and I notice how she has turned very animated just to avoid talking about it at all cost.

I grasp firmly on the counter space while she carefully lifts the two bowls. “Dohee, can we talk about this first? Please?” She walks past me to go to the dining area. After setting the table, she finally turns around with a faded smile. “Okay … what do you want me to say?” Her tone is unfamiliar and it scares me even more. “Oh, you should cancel so that you can spend my birthday with me. I’m more important than your work, is that what you want me to say?” She flops down the chair, facing me.  

I lift my head while blowing air in my cheeks. I know she doesn’t have the best temper today and this is probably not the right time to be discussing this but … I don’t want to just wait and keep it from her after getting the news. She laughs which makes me look at her again. “Baekhyun, it’s really okay. My birthday doesn’t matter that much anyway, I’m not that special for us to be having this conversation even. Your work matters more and I will never try to act like I’m so spe—”

“That. When you say it like that, I can’t, I just can’t—” I press my hands on either side of my head, a scornful laugh vibrating out of my chest. “Why do you need to put yourself down just to make a point? Huh? This is not about which one matters more to me, Dohee. I’m trying to discuss this so we can make it work somehow.” I finally burst. I am normally a very patient person but whenever I hear the person that I love constantly putting herself down like this, it makes me very upset. She’s being silly, like literally. She’s not thinking straight right now and her insecurities are taking over her words.

She throws her hands up in defeat. “I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up about this. I’m—I’m not ev—even upset. Why are you so mad now? Why are we fighting?” Her voice trembles and I catch a glimpse of her watery eyes just before she turns away along with the chair. A more genuine laugh comes out of me so I approach her. I lean down to hug her from behind. “Hey.”  I whisper as I press my lips on the side of her head. “What do you want me to do? I really want to spend my birthday with you for the first time but it’s not like I can complain if you have work to do—it’s so frustrating because I understand it but still—I want to be wit—I don’t know anymore.” She begins sobbing hard

I grab the sides of her chair to make her turn away from the table, then I kneel in front of her. “Love, you don’t have to cry, hm? I’m not mad and we’re not fighting. You’re allowed to be upset about it, I’m not trying to stop you. I’m sorry if I raised my voice at you. It just really upset me when you say you’re not special because you are. You’re so special to me and that’s why this is also bothering me just as much.” I stretch my arm to wipe her tears. “I know that you were really looking forward to it and I was too, believe me. That’s why I want to discuss this as soon as possible so we can move it to a better time that works for both of us.” I bob my head to close when she avoids my gaze.

I throw my head back and sigh, but a smile is already lifting my mouth up. “What am I supposed to do, I don’t even know how I should celebrate my birthday separately between my divorced parents—I don’t know how to do it yet and now you’re not even going to be there—I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Why do I have to celebrate birthdays, why does it matter, it’s not a good thing anyway. It just makes you older so why people even like remembering it?!” She cries even louder and her eyes are shut tightly closed. I understand that this will also be her first birthday with divroced parents. Although we are old enough to surely handle it later on, I know that it's still difficult to get used to especially when she had always spent her birthday with both of them, in one room. It's going to be an adjustment for sure. “Okay okay, I know, love. We’ll figure something out with your parents and—don’t cry, please? It hurts me when you're crying, hm?” An airy laugh slips out of me by accident as I try to calm her down.

The tension that quickly built up the first few minutes of this subject being brought out all subsided when she started wailing like this. It’s not that I find it enjoyable but … she’s adorable, I don’t even know how to describe it. I know she’s in a lot of stress but maybe if her hormones weren’t acting up, she would have probably handled this better? I don’t know, I’m just guessing, I don’t really know how it works with women.

But one thing is for sure … sh