PLAYLIST: “Remedy,” Adele

DOHEE

Oh my god. What did I just do? What came to me? The taste of him lingers in my mouth even after chugging a whole glass of water. I stare at my reflection in the mirror. I have excused myself to go to the bathroom after he gave me water. I still cannot believe what I have done. He looked worried sick and now anxiety is eating me up. I researched about it a few days ago and I happen to have watched one single y video that did the same exact thing I just did, and for some reason, I just went along with it. I am so ashamed of myself; I don’t want him to think less of me because I did that. What if he dumps me after this?

I didn’t mean to do that … I just really thought he would love it because the guy in the video I watched seemed to have liked it.

I should have talked to him about this first before trying to do the deed on my own. I’m so stupid, why did I think I’d pull that off perfectly on the first try? Where did I get the courage to even try it in the first place? I touch my lips that are still quite feeling swollen. Despite the anxiety filling up my system, I can’t help but recall the unfamiliar flame igniting inside of me when I was doing it for him. I felt … y, so y, and I never thought I’d ever do. It was a sensation I never thought I’d enjoy, but I did. Very much. All the lingering questions in my head all my life made sense. Why do people do it? Why do they even enjoy this? Why are they not feeling grossed out? Somehow, I am feeling such a hypocrite for liking what I once thought was absurd and degrading.

I loved it. I loved the feeling of pleasuring him; hearing his moans, making him hard … turning him on. It is that sort of pleasure that explains everything that I never used to appreciate. It’s the animal inside a person; nature, the drive that makes people do what they do when they are in love. Now, in my case, what I do because I’m in love.

Beyond all these … Byun Baekhyun said he loves me.

Maybe that’s what did it for me. The love. The old Shim Dohee would have never understood any of these. At first, it terrified me when those three words slipped out of my mouth this evening. But when I heard it from him for the very first time, I wanted to take it all in, with open arms. It’s for me, solely for me. That love is mine. Someone … is in love with me. Heavy emotions begin building up inside me and I feel my eyes getting blurred out by tears. For the first time in my life, I feel like a real person. A real valid human being having valid emotions. Only Baekhyun has ever made me feel so alive, so excited about life. The way he handled my parents is another thing that made me confirm what I really feel for him. If I wasn’t with him, I would have broken down completely.

But he was there … and he will always be there. There’s the two of us, holding each other, no matter what happens.

I grab myself some Kleenex and wipe the tears that had filled up my vision. A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts. I quickly throw the tissue down the bin before checking myself in the mirror one last time to see if my eyes are bloodshot red. Just a little, not too bad, but I can’t stay here forever. I open the door and I meet my boyfriend’s eyes, his caring eyes that always looked out for me. “Are you okay?” He asks with concern in his tone. I give him reassuring smile before stepping out of the bathroom. Without verbally answering, I slip my arms around him for a hug. He responses to it immediately and I start feeling his usual gentle kisses on top of my head as he hugs me back.

I could stay like this forever and be completely fine. But I pull away, just enough for me to look up to him. “I’m a bit sleepy now, maybe I should go.” I grin. He gives me an understanding nod before pressing his lips on mine for a chaste kiss. “Of course, love.” He answers after and our eyes meet again. This time … he doesn’t take the endearment back and it makes me smile even wider.

Wow, I’m love sick. I feel warm all over. And that’s aside from his warmth that he’s covering me with at the moment.

He releases himself from the hug but keeps one arm over my shoulders to drag me to the living room. “What do you plan to do tomorrow? You’re off.” I ask him as I grab my purse on his couch. “Eh, I don’t know. Just home, probably. You know, sleep for most of the day. I haven’t done that in a while.” He chuckles at the end. Well, that’s good for him. He deserves a lot of rest with such a hectic job he has. I’m sure sleeping all day isn’t such a sin. It’s his day off, after all, he can do whatever he wants. “Well, that definitely sounds promising. I’m happy for you. I’m so jealous.” I nod in approval making him laugh again. “I bet.” He shakes his head before grabbing my hand. He grabs his keys from its hanging tray and we both step out of the apartment.

As we start walking through the corridor, I slip my arm around his making him look at me with a sweet smile. “Baekhyun, I want to apologize again … for what happened, you know, with my parents. Especially, my dad, he’s not that bad when he’s completely sober, I promise. He just tends to drink when he’s feeling sick, thinking it’ll make him feel better. He … kind of drinks a lot.” I assure him nervously but he only chuckles more. “That’s okay, don’t worry about it. I mean, I wouldn’t say I wasn’t uncomfortable but … I’d say we handled it together pretty well and I have no problems doing it again. I’d love to meet them in better terms next time. Maybe when they’re not both sick, what do you say?” He rubs my hand on his arm before pressing the elevator button. I just nod before looking away.

I am humiliated by my parents. They didn’t show any manners at all. My mother didn’t say much but that’s the way she is, she will say a lot once Baekhyun’s not around. She’s two-faced, that’s the thing, which doesn’t necessarily make her better than my father. I can only imagine all the mean things she begins spitting out as soon as we left. At least, my father was pretty out and real especially with the addition of alcohol in his system.

I look at my boyfriend and sigh. Well, I do wish there will be a better term with my parents at all. I know Baekhyun’s a very resilient and positive person but … I know my parents very well too, there’s no changing them. Maybe unless they separate from each other for good, they will always be that miserable.

The thing is, they make each other the worst person they could ever be. A sad reality for me as their only child.

Funny how that works because they’ve been married for so long … but without love. That’s why I don’t understand some people who are against divorce like my own parents—as if they don’t need it the most. Because they are miserable and they are better off without each other, so why allow things to be this way when you can just choose to be two different people not tied up in this meaningless marriage?

I look at me and Baekhyun and it just makes me realize even more, how we make each other better. We become the best versions of ourselves when we’re together and I think that’s so beautiful.

I feel a nudge from him and I realize we are already out of the building. “What are you thinking about again?” He teasingly asks which makes me realize that I must have been spacing out. “Just … random things,” I answer and we reach his car in the parking lot. He opens the door for me and I step forward to go in but got stopped by him. He holds the door and traps me in, making me lean against the car completely. We lock eyes and mirror each other’s smiles. “Can you say that again?” He asks, sounding more confident than earlier when we were at my hometown. I drop into a chuckle as I look away. “Come on, I just want to hear it again.” He gently rubs me on the waist, whining like a kid. “Please?” He leans closer until our heads are touching.

I finally turn to him and the tips of our noses brush against each other. “I.” My voice comes out whispered but he just nods, gesturing me to proceed. “Love.” I let the L-word slip out of my lips smoothly and I watch his smile get wider, showing his pearly white teeth up close. I lift one hand and gently poke him on the chest. “What?” He asks, wanting to hear the last word but I don’t say it yet. He throws his head back in frustration. “Oh, come on.” He looks down at me again, still smiling. “You love? What? Who?” He whispers while nodding cutely.

I sigh. “You, silly goose,” I answer and he quickly turns around while making hard fists with his hand and lowering his body halfway like he just heard the greatest news of his life. I hear a whispered “Yes!” from him as he turns back to look at me again. He’s so red and I know I am too; I can feel my face heating up from that confession. I’m surprised I can even see clearly right now, only the lamp post by his parking spot allows me to catch his blush. He exhales heavily before slipping one hand behind my head, ruffling my hair gently, as if trying to compose himself in such a way, before walking around to go to his side of the car. I roll my eyes in amusement before getting in as well.

I think I’m going to have the most beautiful dream tonight … and he’s going to be in it.

With fluttering feelings, comes the agonizing ones that randomly hit you from time to time. And today is its turn to be the main character of my boring and lonely Saturday. I am feeling very down and I don’t even know why.

It’s been another week since the thing with Do Kyungsoo happened when the thing with my parents and Baekhyun took place at home, and the thing with my first embarrassing but very adult experience that I’m sure I messed up big time no matter how many times my boyfriend tells me that he loved it. Somehow, they are all crashing back to me in an unpleasant way and making me anxious for no reason, like I’m the most sinful person ever and I should be punished in hell. All these happened in one single day and I was fine for a while until I replayed them in my head just now, all at once humiliating every inch of my being.

First, Kyungsoo hasn’t done much which should be a good thing but I’m scared to be comfortable yet, fearing that I might disappoint myself again if I become too relaxed and eventually get myself in danger. What if my instincts are wrong again and he still does something bad if something triggers him? I don’t ever trust my gut because I always tend to be wrong anyway. My parents haven’t said anything since that night, but that’s also not a good thing because they always make sure to text me to nag about all the things they could think of, usually on a daily basis. But they’ve been silent and I am afraid that it will all blow up once we see each other face to face. And lastly, with my blow-to-the-job event with my boyfriend, he has assured me more than once that it was really good but I can’t seem to make myself do it again because I’m afraid to mess it up and turn him off.

Why am I always like this? Why can’t I just relax?

I roll around my bed as I wait for enlightenment or just something that could cheer me up. Just something, anything, seriously God. Just give me whatever is available at the moment. I just need one light bulb moment to make me feel better.

Ding. My phone chimes and I quickly sit up as I turn to my bedside table where my phone is. Please, tell me it’s Baekhyun. I know he’s busy at work right now but I’m feeling very clingy all of a sudden. It’s still very early on his day so I know he’s not even close to being done at work but I still hope that’s his text. To my dismay, it is not him.

What the heck? Why is Sora texting me on a Saturday? We are both off from work.

I open the message and my world stopped for a moment. I cover my mouth as I reread the short but meaningful message over and over again. Unni, did you know that Sir Kyungsoo’s in the hospital? He got in a car accident last night, we’re all going there today. Are you coming too?

What did I just read? “Oh my god, what?” I audibly gasp, my eyes widening in terror. I quickly get off the bed and I phone Sora with no hesitation. “What happened, what do you mean car accident? How bad is it?” I speak as soon as she answers. ‘Unni, we don’t know yet. Did you not read your email? Mr. and Mrs. Do emailed all the staff.’ She answers. I quickly put the call on speaker so I could read my email.

And there it is. His parents informed all of us about his condition and also shared the whereabouts of the hospital and his room number if we would like to visit. Oh my god, I’m so … incredibly shocked. ‘Unni, I don’t know—I’m worried, why do I feel like he did that on purpose? Am I overthinking this? Cause he hasn’t been acting normal lately.’’ Sora asks me which makes me frown even more. “Yah, don’t say that … ju—just relax okay? I’m sure it was an accident. Don’t cry, why are you crying?” Tears quickly fill my eyes as well from hearing my co-worker sob. I carelessly get ready and make my way out of the apartment.

I don’t even care to take the bus anymore and grabbed a cab instead to make my way faster over there. Could this day get any worse, to be honest? Not in any way do I care about Kyungsoo romantically anymore but … he’s still my boss and I still admired him as my boss. I cared and still care about him and this is such a piece of devastating news for me. I just hope he’s okay and that it’s not serious.

When I arrive in the hospital, I check myself in to confirm the room number and floor although it’s already written in the email. I take the closest elevator I could find and go to the third floor. When I get there, I already see some of my staff and Kyungsoo’s parents right outside the door. “Unni, here!” One of the staff calls over me as I approach them. I bow politely at Mr. and Mrs. Do before staring at the room door with Kyungsoo’s name on it. “Thank you for coming as well, Dohee. I’m sure Kyungsoo will appreciate the visit.” His mom says and I could see tears forming in her eyes right away as she looks at me. His father on the other hand remains calmer while he leans on the wall. I could also tell the concern in his eyes even if he doesn’t say anything. “Uhm, you guys can see him later … after Jihyun is done. They wanted to be alone i