PLAYLIST: “I Pray,” Motte

DOHEE

This is absurd. The heavens must be playing a trick on me, they don’t want us to be happy.

My gaze bounces back and forth, eyebrows twitching in reluctance. I was hoping to just do my usual Wednesday closing, finish this long and mentally tarnishing day and finally see my dear boyfriend before he has to go tomorrow. Instead, I am welcomed by an ear-piercing HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR MANAGER!!! from my co-workers—including the part-timers whom I don’t even spend a lot of shifts with—right outside the café, one of them holding a cake with candles already lit on them. Jeez, is this why they were all rushing to leave and making crappy excuses to not help me close? Huh, makes sense, they don’t normally have that kind of bravery to present such unprofessional behavior towards me and Kyungsoo.

I was so close to really getting upset and telling them on our boss—who is now, by the way, standing still alongside them while clapping his hands like an old man. Well, he is basically an old man with us after all.

“Yah, kids—aigoo, what is all this? It’s not even my birthday yet.” I press my palms on one side of my head fighting the awkwardness now engulfing my whole system. I feel very much trapped right now and it doesn’t feel too good. To make things even worse for me, Kyungsoo comes forward and throws an arm over my shoulders. “Since you’re too shy to pick a date, I decided to do it for you. I reserved a whole barbeque place just for Bean Hub staff tonight.” He looks at the other employees. “Suwon, come closer, let your Dohee unni make a wish and blow the candles.” He motions the young lady who is holding the cake. Oh my god, the attention we are getting from the passers-by is making me very self-conscious. I briefly close my eyes, not even bothering to actually make a wish before blowing the candles—just to get it over with. “Uh—actually, you see—Sir, I really appreciate this but it’s just that—uhm, I was gunna meet my boyfriend cause he’s leaving for a business trip tomorrow?” I mentally pray that I don’t make them upset by declining but I have to. I need to set my priorities straight and it’s not them, unfortunately. Also, they shouldn’t be pressuring me like this in the first place. I didn’t pick a date for a reason—I don’t want to! That’s my only reason, Do Kyungsoo.

I grin nervously while gradually peeling myself away from his arm at the same time. “That’s fine, bring him along then, I don’t mind paying for one more person. Go on, give him a call. Tell him to go to Sariwon BBQ House.” Kyungsoo bids yet another option. Oh, my goodness—stop giving me options! I don’t want any of it because I don’t know how to say no, jeez! “Ooh, that’s a great idea! We can finally get to know Mr. Hairstylist better! We never have the chance because he only ever goes to the café as a customer.” Junsoo exclaims in delight.

Kyungsoo then takes his wallet out of his pocket. “Okay, I think you can all split into two cabs, right? Here, take my credit cards.” He hands two of his cards to Sora and Suwon and delegates them to figure out who’s going with them in the cab. “Let’s go?” He places a hand on my back making me flinch. “Uh—we’re not going with them?” I take a step back smiling stiffly at him. “No, I have my car. I’ll drive you there. You’re the birthday girl.” He smiles at me before dragging me to the parking lot. “Ha? Why—why you—you’re driving? Sir, aren’t you drinking too?” I ask in genuine concern. He only laughs for a moment before opening the car door for me. “I can’t drink tonight; I need to take care of you guys. Those kids might go crazy when drunk, you never know, right? Get in.” He tilts his head to the side, signaling me.

Once I am in, I take my phone out of my purse to call Baekhyun right away. He finished work at seven today and he said he was going to be home while waiting for me. I offered to go there myself since I don’t want to bother him and make him drive when he’s already home and tired. ‘Hello? Are you done?’ he answers right away within a few rings. “Oh, love. Uhm, there’s a situation. You see, I know we’re supposed to meet up at your place—”

‘Love, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to do. I’m not home right now. I was called over to Bomi noona’s house along with the other stylists to have a last-minute pre-launch celebration especially since not everyone will be able to be at the launch in Tokyo.’ Baekhyun cuts me off before I could even invite him over. Oh crap, for real? Is this really happening tonight? I can’t even spend time with him? ‘We’re not really drinking at all so you don’t have to worry about me, we’re just celebrating. Bomi noona’s kids and husband are obviously here with us so no booze. You can still go straight to my apartment though; I will try to get out of here as soon as I can. Okay? I’m so sorry.’

A knot in my stomach tightens as I replay his words in my head. You have got to be kidding me. Why is this happening to me? I get shaken by the sound of the car door closing when Kyungsoo got in. “Ready? Oh, is that your boyfriend? Tell him we’re at Sariwon, I’m sure he has heard of that place, it’s popular.” He tells me softly while starting his engine. ‘Who’s that? Is that your boss—are you in a car? I can hear the engine signal.’ Baekhyun asks me with a stiff tone. I throw my head back to the seat, my eyelids twitching from stress.

I chew on my tongue as I try to deal with this whole thing without blowing up. I put my phone down for a moment and look at Kyungsoo. “Sir, he can’t go, unfortunately,” I say before pressing my phone back to my ear. “Yes, I’m in his car. The staff surprised me earlier for my birthday and now we’re going to eat and drink out for an early celebration.” I explain to him next. I know how he feels about Kyungsoo so I don’t know how this conversation’s going. ‘Do you want to go? Are you going to be okay though? Are they forcing you? I’ll talk to Bomi noona if you really need me there.’ he asks in a softening tone and I immediately feel my shoulders sagging. 

Only he really knows me. It’s both beautiful and sad.

Baekhyun has been my biggest source of rationality lately and I don’t want to hold him back from having his own life just because I’m dependent on him. He deserves to celebrate the launch that they’ve all been working hard for. Starting tomorrow and the coming days, they will be very busy and they deserve a little treat like tonight. I don’t want to be a killer-joy and come off as a troublesome girlfriend to him in front of his co-workers. It’s both unfair and embarrassing for him. My chest deflates as I shake my head despite that he can’t see me. “No no no, don’t worry about me. You have fun there, okay? I will have fun too.” I speak with a bright tone hoping he doesn’t see through me so easily like always. ‘Okay, but still … call me when you’re done and I will pick you up. Don’t drink too much, please? Remember, you’re not that good with alcohol and I’m not there to kiss you, hm?.’ He reminds me with a soft chuckle.

Ugh, honestly, good drinking would be very helpful to calm my nerves after all the depressing days that flew by. This day was already horrible enough knowing that Baekhyun’s leaving tomorrow. And now, this is happening. I seriously need a drink. “Okay okay, I promise I won’t drink a lot. I’ll call later when I’m done. Bye-bye.” I end the call first and drop my hand to my lap. “He can’t come huh? That’s too bad.” Kyungsoo says with a big smile.

Eh? He looks relieved. “He can’t because he actually has a company party too. Why are you—Is tha—is that a good thing, sir?” I nervously ask while laughing, noticing his more relaxed demeanor now. “Well—it’s not that, it’s just—” He throws his shoulders back in attention. “I wasn’t gonna say anything but your boyfriend doesn’t seem to like me. It was pretty obvious the last time I saw him and sorry but I just found it unnecessarily rude of him, the way he looked at me. I’m still older than him. I know there were things in the past but I thought we were past it. I was okay having him there but of course, I wasn’t too thrilled about it either.” He suddenly stretches his arm and ruffles my hair. “Other than that, it’s good to have a break from each other and just have fun individually. You can drink as much as you want, no one’s going to nag you and tell you what to do, right? Is he forbidding you from drinking? You deserve to have fun too.” I dock my head away from his hand while laughing awkwardly.

He chuckles at my reaction. “Aigoo, if I have known you could be this cute, I could have been smarter with the way I handled your feelings for me when I had the chance.” His tone softens which only makes me feel even more awkward. I death-grip on the handle of my purse and lower my gaze to my lap. “Sorry, it’s just that … it still upsets me every time I remember how I treated you back when I was at my lowest point. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for doing that.” I can feel the sincerity in his tone but it doesn’t make me feel any less uncomfortable. Is this why he was very persistent in giving me this whole birthday celebration because he still feels bad about it? I mean, I appreciate it but I still wish he gave me a heads up. I’m not good with surprises like this, you see. “Sir, have yo—have you tried the, you know, the app I recommended to you?” I attempt to switch our topic of conversation and I smile at him in anticipation.

“Meh.” He shrugs. “I actually did, believe it or not. But I didn’t find anyone who got my attention. It’s either they’re too finicky or too bold for me. I didn’t really find anyone whom I had a connection with and an easy time talking to … like this, like how we are.”

I suddenly feel this weird energy around him which makes my chest tight. Wow, what is this dude trying to do now? “I mean, despite a little issue between us before, you still had the heart to forgive me and keep that cute and bright smile that I’ve come to adore. You’re a really good person, Dohee. When I was having a hard time accepting reality, you were the only one who was genuinely concerned enough, to be honest with me and help me see things from a different perspective. You were also the only one who ever gave me a second chance after I ed up. That’s not an easy thing to do, you know? The only thing my family ever cared about after the break up was our merging companies and businesses that were affected. Nobody, aside from you, ever really comforted me as the broken person that I was.” I can’t help but finally smile, feeling flattered by the kind confession.

His throat clear makes me look up to him again. “Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t too late to figure this all out about you. Maybe I could have treated you better and appreciated your feelings the right way.” My gaze drops back to my purse when I realize he is not done making things awkward for me. Don’t get me wrong though, his words seem really sincere and I really do appreciate it but … this all seems to be way too late by now. I don’t like him that way anymore. Also, not because he didn’t find anyone likeable in the app means he needs to suddenly settle and hold on to me like this just because I had a silly crush on him before. I shrink in agitation while I wave both hands to play it cool. “Aig—don’t worry about it, sir. It’s all in the past but I appreciate the compliments. Tha—thank you, really.”

Restlessness settles inside me as I try my best to remain collected. How much longer do I have to stay in this car alone with him? How far is this restaurant anyway?

“I just hope he’s making you happy. You’ve been kind of … down lately and then recently, you hinted about him not having much time for you—I know you’re not going to admit that it’s you but I’m just worried. Even now, the way you promised not to drink too much kind of reminds me of myself when I was with Jihyun. I just realized now how toxic it was to try and control each other. He shouldn’t do that to you.” My eyes turn big and round as I turn to him again. “Eh? Oh, no no no—it’s nothing like that at all, sir. My boyfriend is very good to me. We’re very happy. Also, I wasn’t depressed because of him, there’s just—” I pause, conflicted if I should even really bother to tell him the other things that I have been going through including my parents’ divorce. He doesn’t need to know. “Sorry if I seemed down, I will work harder and do my best to only show my professional side at all times, sir.” I lower my head for a slight bow. “Are you sure? You seem like you’re hiding something, you can always tell me. Don’t be afraid to tell me if you’re having relationship problems, alright? I would like to be there for you too, like how you were with me.” He squeezes my arm lightly and I jolt.

Oh my god, I can’t believe that’s the first thing he can think of. Can’t I be depressed because of something else? Does it always have to be about a person’s love life?

And how can anyone even think, for one second, that Byun Baekhyun could control another person? This dude is totally confusing control with proper concern. I don’t know anything about break up but I feel like he’s on that stage where he now feels nothing but hatred and remorse towards Jihyun and their past relationship that’s why he’s acting so weirdly right now just because Baekhyun doesn’t want me to drink too much?

I have an alcoholic father, Baekhyun has every right to guide me towards a better path and avo