PLAYLIST: “Some,” Junggigo, Soyou (feat. Lil Boi)

BAEKHYUN

How did I get this far? In a span of a couple of weeks, I managed to get this deep. I am here outside, at eight o’clock in the evening, walking with Shim Dohee. Just the two of us. I don’t feel uneasy. I don’t want space. I have not felt the need to be alone for the first time in a long time. I like this feeling; I like her close to me like right now. Did I always have this attachment to her that I only finally acknowledged recently? Maybe, there was no way I’d gather this much emotion in such a short period of time.

It must have been building up for the past three years. It’s like I have exploded and couldn’t really pretend I didn’t care anymore.

I bring my attention back to her as she walked in calming silence beside me. She looks up at the night sky and the lights from the lamp posts shine through her face, making her brown eyes gleam even more. The freckles on her cheekbones that I always loved and the tiniest dimple on the right side of —they were all small things that can make me feel so much. Tiny details that make her beautiful. “Thank you again for accepting my invitation. It was just a spur-of-the-moment idea so I didn’t expect you’d actually say yes.” She thanks me with a smile.

I only look straight and put my hands in my pockets.

“You know.” She laughs a little before glancing at me again. “Don’t laugh at me but … I actually don’t have … friends.” She slowly finishes her sentence, as if she was embarrassed.

I simply shrug my shoulders, not reading seeing anything strange about the information. “I don’t really have many friends either. In this day and age, sometimes having fewer friends matters more.” She reacts to my reply with a satisfied grin. “See, this is why I wanted you here. You like to knock a lot of sense in my head that I would have never thought of on my own” She nudges me with her elbow and I just shake my head in protest. “I may seem bubbly sometimes but I keep a lot of self-doubts. Well, actually, I don’t necessarily keep them. I’m pretty open about my self-doubts, just … no one really loves listening to it.” She adds.

I nod and look down. “It’s normal to doubt yourself just like how it’s normal to be scared. It’s necessary for us to survive. Imagine if no one was ever scared and anxious, everyone would just die.” I say earning an astonished glare from her. “That got dark real quick.” She smirks back. It’s true though. Maybe that’s why I am this resilient. I embraced my fears and self-doubts. “Do you have things that scare you or make you doubt yourself? Probably none anymore; you’re smart, you’re talented and you’re doing so well in life.” She asks, assuming an answer right away. I smile a little before shaking my head. I look at her. “Of course, I have them. I still have them, all of them, but I know I just have to get through what my head tells me somehow—one way or another. I just don’t let these fears stop me from moving. I’d rather move slow, than not move at all. “ I clarify.

A see her smile genuinely. “I’d rather move slow, than not move at all. Wow, that’s … that’s actually really good to hear.” She looks down chuckling. “That’s really nice to hear, oh my god.” She clears a couple of times. Don’t tell me that made her emotional? What did I do again? Why does she always end up crying when we’re talking, seems like? I need to change the subject before she starts crying. I hate seeing her tears. “Anyway, are you still fretting about the guy?” I ask. She quickly turns to me in awareness. “Oh right, about that!”

Oh lord, could have been better off with a different subject. Why do I seem to put myself in trouble a lot lately?

She smiles and looks up to the sky again, her hands clasped together on her lower back. “How long do you think a person can move on from someone they loved? Or do they actually ever move on?” She hums before continuing. “I heard somewhere that you don’t really move on and stop loving someone? You just find someone whom you’d love even more. Do you believe in that?” She then asks. I look at her, taking my time. I actually haven’t thought of it that way. I’ve dated in the past and my longest relationship was with Nayoung. I am positive that I have moved on from her. And now … I feel this very familiar sensation every time I look at Dohee—except it’s stronger yet calmer at the same time, if that even makes sense.

It’s so easy to … care for her.

I look away before I show too much emotion through my face. “It makes some sense but … it depends on how things end in a relationship. Some people end badly and some people don’t. But in my case, what you say … applies.” She smiles at me. “Hm, I hope Kyungsoo feels that too, eventually. No malice or anything. It just blows my mind how two people can seem so in love for so long and suddenly end like that. Also, I just hate seeing people hurt because of love, it’s the worst thing ever. I—” She clears while covering with the back of her hand. “—I personally haven’t fallen in love myself but, I can just tell that it hurts.”

It does hurt. I remember how I barely functioned when Nayoung and I ended. It was a kind of pain you could feel physically for a while.

Then it gets better, then you go back to normal, then you stumble upon someone else who could give you hope once more. It’s just a cycle. You gain love, you lose love and then you gain love again.

There’s no point fussing over a lost one when possibilities in this world is endless. “When you fall in love, you feel nervous around them. You can’t breathe properly. You blush a lot. You dream about them every night. You shiver when they touch you. And they feel the same way for you. All those things, I haven’t really felt for real, I think. Well, it’s kind of similar when you have a crush but it’s just stronger.” She explains her definition of being in love to me.

I sniff and rub the tip of my nose. “Or you simply feel safe around them. You don’t feel anything but warmth, physically and mentally.” I suggest. And I could only hope she could feel that for me someday. “Hm, I don’t think so. That’s more like what you feel for a friend. Like how I feel for you right now.” She innocently answers. I look away suppressing a smile from coming out. “Oh, you—you feel that for me,” I mutter, I’m quite shocked I’m not going to lie.

Dohee nods eagerly. “Since yesterday, we seem to have finally labeled our friendship officially so I don’t feel awkward with you anymore. I feel safe that’s why I asked you here. I trust you not only with my hair but everything. I’ve known you for three years, you know. I always tell you anything, all kinds of weird crap, but you never judge me. I feel secure when I talk to you or even when we don’t talk and we’re just silent. We’re friends, that’s why.” She further explains.

I look down, finally allowing myself to smile. This naïve girl is really something.

Dohee peeks at me, tilting her head lower. “Are you laughing at me? Yah.” She nudges me, looking embarrassed as ev