PLAYLIST: “Say Something,” A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera

DOHEE

A buzzing ache in my head stirs me awake. I rise from the bed, my palms pressed on either side of my head. The heaviness I feel on my eyelids instantly reminds me of what had taken place last night and nausea kicks in. I clutch on my stomach as I scurry to my bathroom to throw up. With every heave, tears accumulate in the corners of my eyes and they roll down my cheeks heavily. I collapse on the floor while holding on to the rim of the toilet bowl.

At this point, I am not so sure anymore if I am still crying from gagging so much. Last night, I might have just made the most painful decision in my life. I weakly reached for the lever and flush before hunching down until my head is touching my knees. I broke up with Baekhyun. Even hearing it in my head hurts just as much. Had I not drunk so much last night, would I even have the balls to do it? I don't know ... and I don't want to know. What matters now is that he is free from all the drama that I must have been causing in his life. He doesn't deserve any of it.

"I'm sorry," I sob in my arms, my eyes still burning with tears. “Baekhyun—I’m sorry.”

What am I supposed to feel right now when I am the one who ended things? What right do I have to be crying over it? I have never felt this type of pain in my chest that is quickly spreading throughout my body. With the remaining strength I have, I stand up and make my way out. I scrap my sleeves firmly across my face to dry the tears away.

Who do I usually call when anxiety overwhelms me? Baekhyun. To whom do I run to when I feel like the world is crushing over? Baekhyun. Who did I selfishly give up on last night? Byun Baekhyun. I gave up on the one person who never gave up on me, no matter how difficult I am. The one person who has given so much colour in my dull life. Unfortunately to him, I never reciprocated—not the way that he deserves. All I’ve ever done was doubt him, make him worry, and invalidate his efforts.

I drop lifelessly back on my bed. I wonder what he’s doing right now? Today, he leaves for Japan and I was originally supposed to come with him to the airport to send him off. I guess that’s not going to happen anymore. I adjust myself on the mattress until I am all curled up. Tears easily slip from the corners of my eyes once again and I wail like a child, my mouth pressed on the comforter.  “I’m stupid—I’m so stupid—why am I so stupid.” I bat myself on the head numerous times with my fist as if doing so would miraculously change the situation. You see, the situation is none other than me. I am the problem.

I am the best representation of the quote, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’

It is indeed no one else but me.

Baekhyun doesn’t deserve that. He has gone through so much all his life, he shouldn’t have to deal with such an unstable and selfish woman like me. He is better off with someone else who could equal his efforts; someone who could guarantee him a happy life, someone who could make him feel secure in the relationship. I do not possess any of those qualities, unfortunately. I love him. I love him to death. He is my first love and I don’t see myself being with anyone else but him.

But I could so easily see him being with someone else—someone much much better than I am. I am hardly even close to being considered good. Byun Baekhyun is a hundred while I am a whopping negative two hundred. If he was here right now, hearing my thoughts, he’d be pouting at me and telling me how beautiful I am—over and over and over again. Somehow, I find myself smiling from the unsolicited daydream. The creases on my eyebrows slowly deepen, my lips quivering in agony as awareness hits me yet again. Daydream. It is all but a daydream from now on.  

A buzzing sound under my pillows attracts my attention. “Baekhyun.” I thoughtlessly mutter before slipping my hand under the pillow and pulling my phone out. My chest throb with desperate anticipation as I screw up my eyes onto the screen. My shoulders droop in disappointment when I don’t see his name as the Caller ID. It’s an unknown number. I am not really in the mood to interact with anyone right now. I am even thinking of calling in sick today.

I feel sick anyway, literally.

I quickly hung up and drop the phone, making it bounce on the mattress. Seconds later, I hear it chime again. I cling my tongue in irritation before checking on it again. It’s a message from the same unknown number that had just called me.

Good morning, Dohee! This is Bomi from Elite. I hope you don’t find it weird that I took your number from our system because it’s an emergency. My team and I all agreed to meet up at the airport two hours ahead of our flight but Baekhyun still isn’t here and we can’t contact him. He mentioned to me the other day that you were coming with him to send him off. Are you guys on your way here now? Is there traffic? He’s rarely this late and unreachable so I’m just a little concerned.

I abruptly sit upright, my eyes getting rounder as I reread the message. What do I do? What am I supposed to say? Oh my god. Panic seizes me and I reluctantly get off the bed. I pace back and forth while nibbling my fingertips. “Oh god, what did I do—where is he—” I let my feet drag me to the closet and I find myself getting dressed.

I don’t know what I am doing right now nor what I am planning to do but … I need to figure this out somehow.

He wouldn’t just ditch such an important event because of what I did, would he? He is not that type of person. I’m sure there is some kind of explanation for this. After changing clothes, I rush to the bathroom to quickly wash my face and brush my teeth. My eyes are still bloodshot red. I look at my reflection in the mirror and wipe the tears that consistently form in my eyes. Why can’t I stop them? I should fill myself with happy thoughts but then … all I could think of is Baekhyun. How am I supposed to deal with this if he’s my happy though?

“Stop crying, please. Just stop crying.” I slap my face repeatedly until I feel a slight sting on my skin. I lift my chin and glue my eyes up to the bathroom ceiling. It doesn’t work either because the tears only roll down on either side of my head, tickling my ears. I lower myself on the sink again to do another round of wash. I turn the temperature to its coldest and start splashing it on my face, hoping it would somewhat freeze my tear ducts—if that even makes sense. It doesn’t make sense. None of this makes sense. I grip on the counter while gasping for air after almost smothering myself from holding my breath for too long. The moment I stop, the unwelcome tears resurface like a routine. “You have got to be kidding me.” I press my face on my hands and I feel the water trickling down my forearms. I allow myself to sob as hard and loud as I want for a good minute before taking charge again.

I blow air in my cheeks a couple of times before grabbing my towel from the rack to wipe my face. “Stop, just stop!” I point at myself at the mirror before stepping out of the bathroom. I can barely focus on my hangover right now, the emotions are just way too strong. I constantly pound on my chest to distract myself from the internal pain as I finish getting ready.

I don’t even bother to bring anything else but my phone, wallet and Baekhyun’s housekeys.

Speaking of which … I should probably return it to him.

I scurry toward my front door and start attempting to call him. Bomi unni is right, his phone is off. He never does that. Anxiety fills up my throat and I get the weird feeling in my gut again. If this is what he felt last night when my phone was unreachable then I am certainly the greatest A-hole for making him go through all these emotions and break up with him after. I swing my door open and before I could even take my first step out, I halt. There he was, slumped on the carpeted floor while leaning on the wall beside my door. One leg stretches straight while the other is bent with his forearm resting on his knees. The back of his head is pinned on the wall giving me a clear view of his face. He has his eyes shut closed, his eyelids a dark shade of pink. He is wearing the same clothes from last night and his hair is a mess.

Did he … wait here all night?

The pain quickly shoots through