PLAYLIST: “Best Part Of Me,” Ed Sheeran (feat. YEBBA)

BAEKHYUN

I bid my goodbye to Mr. and Mrs. Shim as they head out of the apartment. The very awkward and silent dinner has finally come to an end. No one really talked at all after Dohee came… but that’s better than hearing more than I already have throughout this night. I tried to offer them some coffee or dessert after our meal but they wanted to leave right away since it’s raining heavily now. I’d like to believe it’s only the rain that made them leave early but … who really knows, at this point? Anyways, being the gentleman that I am, I offered them two of my umbrellas so they won’t get wet when they go out. They actually thanked me for the umbrellas, both of them surprisingly.

I appreciate it. I’d gladly take what I can get.

I close the door behind me and watch Dohee clear up the table, stacking the empty plates in a pile. As soon as our eyes meet, she stops and flops down the chair. I end the eye contact first before making my way to the table so I could help her out. I collect the forks and knives with one hand before picking up the placemats. Tension and deafening silence filled the entire apartment as we clean up. I still need to recover from all the negativity that invaded my safe space. I don’t quite know how to start. I am speechless, I don’t know what to say or where to start.

I never thought … I’d ever feel suffocated in my own home. This was the very first time. It hurts even more that Dohee’s parents caused it. I don’t want to have such ill-feeling towards them. I tried my best to avoid it, with all that I got, but tonight was something that’s just too hard to ignore. They were in my territory, a place where I feel most calm being in. They managed to alienate me in my own property and I don’t know how to handle this lingering sensation on my chest that’s making it harder for me to relax in here now.

If I had just known what they really felt about me, I would have still invited them for dinner but … not here. Not in my home, at least not until there’s no tension between us. Welcoming them into my home was my way to show them my vulnerability towards them. This is my safe happy place, I love being alone in here, I feel most content with I am in here … and I feel none of that at the moment. I get awaken from my deep thoughts when Dohee stands up, making a cracking sound from the chair dragging on the floor.

She walks around the table, carrying the plates along with her, and she makes her way towards the kitchen. I grab her by the arm just as she walks past me. She doesn’t resist and just stops right away. I don’t say anything and just take the plates from her. “No, I’ll do it.” She takes a step back, not letting go of the plates. “It’s fine, I’ll clean up.” I quietly say, trying to take it from her again. She flicks her tongue at me and that’s when I let go. I sigh heavily before throwing the placemats and utensils back down the table. I don’t say anything else and walk straight to the couch.

I bend myself lower until my elbows are rested against my knees. This is not even who we are and yet we are acting like this because of what happened, or what didn’t happen. I press my face against my palms as I try to avoid the slightest sight of my home. “Can you … just tell me exactly what they said that’s making you act like this?” My girlfriend’s voice is shaky and scared, it worried me. But at the same time, I am more worried about what I am feeling at the moment.

I have been so good at keeping my patients when it comes to people mistreating me. But somehow, tonight feels different. I don’t know what it is about them that just … triggered something inside of me that I have been managing well for all these years.

Controlling. That word echoes in my head over and over again. It’s so loud that it’s almost making me want to believe that maybe … I am controlling. Even when I know that I’m not. “It doesn’t matter, let’s just forget about it.” I quietly reply. I feel her movements near me and before I know it, I could feel her warmth covering my body. “No, it matters. This is partly my fault so please, just tell me.” She whispers against my shoulder. I pull my face away from my hands to look at her, our eyes meeting inches apart. “It’s not important anymore, can we just … move past this?” I plead.

She releases me from the hug and stands up. “Baekhyun, we’re not doing this. We’re not bottling things up in this relationship. I did and look at what just happened tonight.” I look up to her pace back and forth in front of me. “Yeah, sure, I wish you just told me but it already happened, blaming you won’t solve anything so can we just move on?” I argue back earning another glare from her. “No, get mad at me. I deserve it. You have every right to be upset with not only my parents but also with me. Just let it out, I accept it. We need to figure this out together. So just get mad if you want.” She points at herself sharply with her fingers.

I put my face back to my hands. “I’m not doing that, just stop. Please.” I stifle back.

I hear another groan from her along with her heavy footsteps. There was a long silence that filled the room but I don’t budge. I need this alone time with her even if we’re not talking. I just need a little time to … ease down and put everything back in place. And I need her presence to do that. This apartment has always been a peaceful place but ever since I had her, she added more brightness to my space. I need her to get back to reality. But right now … I don’t know what to say.

I hear soft sniffles coming from her that finally make me look up. “If you want to break up with me—just do it, don’t just ig—ignore me.” Her voice sounds terrified and I immediately stand up. “No, what—no, what are you saying? I’m not breaking up with you, you’re being silly.” I approach her, kneeling down just in front of her as she sits on my leather armchair by the window. Her sobs get louder as she leans her face against my hand. “But I don’t like this right now, we’re fighting and it’s—it’s all because of me and my parents, I don’t blame you if you want to—to give up now whi—while it’s early.” Her shoulders shake tremendously and I had to hold her down in case she breaks down completely.

I shake my head eagerly as I lean closer to her. “We’re not fighting—Shim Dohee, look at me. Come on, just look at me, please?” I steady her face so her eyes are only focused on me. “We’re not fighting, okay? This is not fighting at all, trust me.” I clarify it to her with a solemn smile. “Yes, I got hurt. There are certain things that I’ve heard from your parents tonight that was uncalled-for but … that can’t define what we have together. We can’t let that affect us. I just needed time to calm down, that’s it. I wasn’t ignoring you and we’re not fighting. Please, believe me.” I explain to her. Her sobs slow down as she grabs my wrists. “Can you just tell me what they said that hurt you the most? Just tell me one thing then.” She mutters unsteadily.

My shoulders soften down as I look away for a moment. I am not the person who likes to dwell on the past that hurt me but … if it will make her feel better to be at least aware of the things that hurt me, I appreciate it that she cares that much. “I just overheard them talking when I was in my room. Your mom believes I’m controlling you because … I don’t know, you’re changing, apparently, or something. She called me a clean freak and a control freak.” I finally reveal, as much as I did not want to. Her expression falls apart once again and she stabs sobbing much harder. She shakes her head eagerly and I try to keep her still with my hands. “It’s fine, I know it’s not true. Calm down, it’s fine. Okay? We both know that I’m not.” I ease her down again and now, a more genuine yet still solemn smile forms on my lips.

She leans down to hug me, her arms wrapping tightly around my neck. “I’m sorry—I don’t know what to say but I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that, I should have been there. I’m so sorry.” She cries on the crook of my neck and I could feel my skin and shirt getting damp with her tears.

Somehow, I feel myself slowly easing down completely as I rub my girlfriend’s back for comfort. Knowing that … someone cares for me this much matters to me a lot. The way she is crying as if she is in much more pain than I am shows me just how deep this relationship is for the both of us, not only for me. I close my eyes as I gasp for air. Emotions overflow me as I hug her tightly. “It’s fine, okay? I’m not mad at you. Just promise me, no more hiding things, okay? And I promise I’ll try my best to be more open too. Can we both do that?” I pull away just enough for me to cup her face again. I wipe her tears with my thumb as she nods.

I give her a loving smile as I scan her face while drying her tears. “You know … I will always remember how you stood up for me against the one person who doubted me the most, all my life, in the most savage way possible. I never forget that. Do you remember? The ogre?” I ask and that finally makes her smile a little. She gives me a weak nod while lowering her eyes. “I always wish I was that gutsy. You have no idea how much power you have inside and you know just when to use it at the perfect time. I wish I was like that tonight. I … can’t believe I felt weak in my own home and that’s all on me.” I run my fingers through her hair to shove them away from her face. She shakes her head. “It do—doesn’t mean you deserve what happened tonight. I don’t even know half of it but … it’s already hurting me so much. I can’t imagine what you felt.” She replies in a whisper.

I shrug. “None of us do. No one ever deserves baseless hate, not even them. I don’t hate your parents, I never will, because I don’t even know them well enough for me to base my hate on two occasions. I know that it will be hard to get through them but … I’m not alone, neither are you. Not anymore. We’ll just have to get through them together, one way or another. Right?” I ask in a much brighter tone that makes her nod right away. She lifts her head and looks away. Her hand reaches to her temples as she exhales. “Oh god, how did I get such a mature boyfriend.” She mutters under her breath but it was quiet enough in here for me to hear it clearly.

I poke the tip of her nose. “Because we balance each other out in this relationship,” I say as a joke and surprisingly, she gets it right away and shoots me a glare. “Yah—are you calling me immature?” She slaps my chest lightly and I stumble down the floor but since I was holding her, she falls along with me. She squeals hard against my ear making me jolt in pain. “Ouch—don’t shout at my ear, noona!” I groan while twitching my head away from her. I feel all of her weight on top of me and our eyes meet for a quick second before I let my body roll over until I am on top of her instead.

Her eyes get rounder and her lips purse firmly into one line but I feel her grip on my neck tightening. I feel the brightness of my home flushing right back inside and it’s all because of her. As if none of those undesirable things just happened, I only focus my attention down on her. Despite how puffy and red her eyes were, she still looks as lovely as ever. The faint sound of the rain from outside touches my ears like music and I allow it to be my white noise as I take in this beauty right in front of me.

Tonight, my love for her just grew even more just when I thought it was already at its peak. I want to protect her and … I want her to protect me too. I want to love her with all that I got. I know that I am not controlling her. If she’s becoming a better person through my influence, I am flattered that my love can bring out the best in her. She does the same to me. She makes me want to be a better person and I used to think I was already good enough. Getting to know her made me realize I could better myself even more. I have learned how to appreciate myself all alone but having her with me now, makes it much easier every day to keep at it. Loving oneself isn’t an easy smooth task. I still have my down days where I could barely do it.

But those down days don’t last as long as they used to be.

Because I know she’s there to remind me.

Her soft giggle wakes me up from the daze. “Yah, you might fall for me even more if you stare at me like that.” She teases with a playful tone. “Too late.” I briefly say before pres