PLAYLIST: “Collide,” Howie Day

DOHEE

I have never been this terrified in my life.

Emotions fill me up to my core and I don’t know how to deal with them. It’s heavy. It’s raw. It’s real. I am putting myself at such risk. If I entertain this any longer, I might just lose the only friend I ever had. I don’t want that to happen. The things I have accomplished to tell him are not even half of what I feel inside. There are just no proper words to define it. What if it’s all in my head? What if all the things that he has taught me as a friend are just overpowering me? What if I’m just misunderstanding everything right now? I know nothing about this … for me to even justify what I’m feeling in the first place.

I don’t trust myself with this.

I don’t think I’m even thinking straight right now. Stress must have taken over me since yesterday and I am just in my most vulnerable state. Byun Baekhyun just happens to always make everything alright for me. I can’t misunderstand the friendship he has offered for the past three years.

I can’t ruin it … by falling for him.

I tuck myself in my blanket more as I cradle myself in a ball. It’s so so overwhelming, everything that is going on in my head and my chest, all the way down to my gut. I feel nauseous. I feel like I’m about to lose it. All my life, I’ve been so good at keeping my emotions to myself knowing very well that it’s going to do me no good if I let it out to the person I care about. This is the first time that … I’ve felt this vulnerable lost control over someone. I am pathetic and I bet Baekhyun thinks so too. He’s an intelligent man, he must have gotten through my vague words easily—that even I did not realize I was saying in the first place.

I am out of control. Oh my god. I’m a thirty-two-year-old grown woman falling for a younger guy who only sees me as a friend and a client. He knows me through and through. He knows I am a hopeless romantic. It’s either he just shrugs it off and keeps hanging out with me as if nothing happened … or he starts distancing himself and I lose him completely, as a friend and as a hairstylist. And for what? To tell him how I’ve pathetically fallen for him like a weak idiot because we made out and stuff? I am no good for him and he’s too good for me—it’s never going to work out between us anyway. I am digging my own grave by even entertaining these feelings right now.

My thoughts get interrupted when my phone begins ringing. I jolt from the sound as I quickly grab it from under me on the bed—I always tend to lie on it for some reason. I feel my gut tighten again when I see his name on the Caller I.D. and I don’t know what came to me but instead of answering … I block him. I am so rude, oh my god. I don’t know what’s wrong. I don’t think I can still show my face to him. I sit up on the bed with my eyes still glued to my phone.

I had just blocked my only friend—and just now I was worrying to lose him?

What is wrong with me?

After all that he’s done for me, I’ll just cut him off like that? Seriously, Shim Dohee? “How do you unblock, how do you unblock, how do you unblock?” I frantically look through my phone to figure out how to take him back. I’m so stupid and reckless. I finally find the option to unblock but I stop just because I could press it. What if … this is the only way for me not to get hurt? What if I have to cut him off completely? What if I just have to accept my fate? I’m never going to be good enough for him … not for anyone. I am a big joke for feeling all these things. I should have seen it coming that I would eventually take his innocent kindness to the extreme.

I drop my phone, not going through with it. No, he has to stay blocked. I can’t afford another humiliation done by myself. Somehow, tears begin forming in my eyes from the thought of losing Baekhyun forever. “I need alcohol,” I tell myself so I get off my bed. I grab my wallet and keys from the vanity table and rush out. I need to get over these emotions one way or another. In this case, I could only think of alcohol. I am not a big drinker and I am a lightweight which is better. It will take me even quicker to just knock myself out.

I put my shoes on and I leave the apartment without even bothering to change clothes. It’s going to be a quick trip to the store and I have zero care whatsoever of what I look like right now. I am too miserable to even care.

However, as I arrive out of the building, I am welcomed by the last person I would like to bump into right now. It’s him. Why is he here? Oh my god. Is this why he was calling me? I can’t be dealing with this right now. I have made up my decision to take control of my feelings and cut him off. At the same time, I am making things easier for him. He doesn’t have to feel responsible for hurting my feelings when he rejects me. For the first time ever, I look away not saying a word. I walk past him and that has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my entire life. You’re doing a good job, Shim Dohee. You’re doing him a favor by distancing yourself already.

To my dismay, I hear his footsteps behind me. He doesn’t say anything but somehow, he still manages to make my chest heavy. Nothing feels awkward about this, surprisingly. It’s just … us in complete silence. I want to run but I don’t want to run. He makes it hard for me to breathe but at the same time, he makes me feel safe despite our distance right now. I turn my head to the right ever so slightly just to glance at him from my peripheral view. He’s still there and I could feel his warm gaze at my back. We continue to walk in silence and at this point, my heart feels calmer yet fuller. This is not distancing yourself, Shim Dohee! This is not cutting him out of your life, Shim Dohee! What is wrong with me? Why am I allowing this to happen?

And why is he still following and not saying anything?

We arrive at the nearest store and I grab myself a couple of cans of beer. I don’t even like beer but I will do whatever it takes for me to knock myself out. If I don’t do this, I will keep myself awake and I don’t want to have to think about this all night. As I walk around the store, I continue to feel his presence behind me. If he was somebody else, I’d feel creeped out by what he’s doing but he’s doing it in such a … Baekhyun way, if that even makes sense. I get myself some sweet snacks too. Sugar and alcohol should mess me up real nicely. I pay for my stuff and leave the store, with Baekhyun still quietly following me.

This is starting to frustrate me. Not that … I want him to say anything. I don’t actually know what I want anymore. But this is ridiculous. We get back in front of my apartment building and I finally had enough of it. I stop to finally face him. He stops as well, his eyes quickly searching mine. He has his hands hidden in his pockets and he is standing there as if waiting for something. He looks at me with so much care and excitement—like he missed me. That doesn’t even make sense, Shim Dohee. You are starting to hallucinate again. “What?” I finally manage to say a word, literally a word.

I feel so bad acting this way towards him. Never in my life did I ever plan to be this way. But … I have some unnecessary feelings for him that I know I shouldn’t be feeling. It wasn’t part of my plan. I just wanted a friend. I just wanted someone to care about genuinely as he does.

I just want … him.

I shake the thought off my head before it goes deeper again. “Have a good night.” I deadpan say before turning around to walk ahead into the entrance. “You’re scaring me.” I hear him say from the distance making me stop. I close my eyes tightly as I supress my urge to give in. I must be confusing him so much right now but I can’t think of any other way to get over these stupid feelings. I force a chuckle as I turn around to look at him again. We’re about two meters apart but I still feel warm inside, just from the way he looked at me. “Did you block my number?” He asks and I could hear the pain from his voice.

I look away in shame. “I do—don’t know.” I quickly turn around and briskly walk into the building. He doesn’t follow anymore but when I turned my head to look from the glass door, he is still there, watching me fro