PLAYLIST: “Kiss Me,” Ed Sheeran

BAEKHYUN

I am strong. I am healthy. I am full. I am blessed. I surround myself with brightness, positivity, and with hope. One, breathe in and breathe out. Two, breathe in and breathe out. Three, breathe in and breathe out. And … repeat. I am strong. I am healthy. I am full. I am blessed. I walk through a peaceful field of daisies. Shades of baby pink and baby blue painted on the sky above me. I focus only on happiness—things that make me happy.

And … there she is.

Shim Dohee. She stands in the center of the field, smiling so brightly at me. She is part of my happiness and a great conclusion to my meditation. I take in a deep breath as I begin walking towards her, with a fluttering heart. She’s getting closer and closer, our smiles getting wider and wider. She’s over there, waiting for me to take her. She’s over there, waiting for me to make her happy. One, breathe in and breathe out. Two, breathe in—

I hear my phone chiming for a phone call.

I momentarily pause to get myself back into the meditation. The vision of daisies, skies, and the beautiful Dohee gradually appear again. The sound of my phone ringing continues but it is more faded in my subconscious. I take in a deep breath once more as I welcome myself back into the field. I bring awareness on my right hand and my left hand the next. I relax my hands rested on my knee caps, I feel my weight, my senses, and the breeze coming in from the opened window in front of me. I am happy. I am worthy. I am capable.

For the third time, my phone rings behind me again. I open my eyes, stepping out of my zone, finally. At this point, I assume it is not going to stop until I answer it. Fine. I stretch my legs straight against the floor before reaching for my phone behind me. I read Shim Dohee’s name on the Caller I.D. making me smile. At least, I get to still technically conclude my meditation with the thought of her—and now, even including her actual voice. “Hello,” I speak up as I pull myself up to stand. I recall that I’ve mentioned to her that I would text her but I assumed she’s going to be too busy in the seminar so I decided to wait until she tells me she’s done. She must be finished now.

I hope she had a great time. I did not support the idea of her coming to the seminar given my skepticism about the man’s intentions but Dohee assured me about it. As much as I would love to protect her, it is beyond my ethics to take control of her life especially when I was just throwing assumptions in the first place. It was wrong of me to do that, I was overcome by my concern and jealousy—although, I believe I had a reasonable reaction when she mentioned being asked to get all dolled up for a seminar in addition to the fact that they may bump into the man’s ex-lover. Something about it didn’t sit right with me but I can’t do anything about it because Dohee really wanted to come.

I am not a selfish person. I am not about to control her about who she spends time with or where she goes especially when she has assured me that everything is fine and that she is going to better her career. I want that kind of determination and confidence from her. I just had to forego my gut feeling and choose to trust her on it.

My plenty of thoughts gets interrupted when she finally speaks up. ‘I think … you were right about Kyungsoo after all. Are you gonna laugh at me now and tell me I told you so? Come on, go ahead.’ Her voice trembles on the other line and my facial expression tightens. ‘Everything . I . I can’t even make the right decision for myself. I can’t trust my judgments. Why can’t I see when people are trying to hurt or use me? Why do I always hurt myself like this, oh? Am I really this dumb? Why didn’t you just slap me to reality when I wouldn’t believe you earlier?’ She sobs and I feel my heart crash. ‘I’m a joke, Baekhyun. I’m a big joke and everyone knows that. So, go ahead and just laugh at me now because you’ve warned me already and I didn’t listen to you.’ She adds and I can’t help but shake my head as if she’d see me.

I take a seat on the couch. “Dohee, can I see you tonight?” I simply ask, not saying anything else but that. ‘I don’t want to do anything tonight. I don’t want to see anyone. I just want to lock myself up in my room and never come out until next week. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to eat. Jeez, I don’t even want to take a shower right now and I stink but I don’t care because nothing matters to me, not even myself.’ She mutters sharply. Concern wave through me in an absurd force. I lean on my couch, still holding my phone to my ear. “Why do you think nothing matters right now, Dohee? Tell me.” I continue to ask. I want her to let it all out.

I hear a huff. ‘Because … I don’t matter. No one thinks I matter.’ She answers. “Alright, I wonder whoever said that. Did anyone tell you that specifically? Or did you just tell yourself that?” I ask away earning a groan from her and I just know I hit the right spot. She cries even more for a few seconds. She coughs. ‘Confucius, I don’t have time for this right now. Just stop being so positive because it doesn’t work for me.’ She whines but I only smile. “Then why else would you call me then if you don’t have time for this? What else would you like me to do? Hm?” I hear another groan and the quietest ‘I don’t know.’

I can hear a rustling sound which I assume is her rolling or moving around her bed. This is hurting me so much. I want to get very mad at the man but my priority right now is Dohee. She’s the only thing that matters right now so I set aside my anger over the man. “Can I come to see you?” I ask for the second time and I hope she just lets me because I am not about to just stay home knowing she’s in great pain like this. Now is not the time for her to be all alone. She doesn’t even have to talk to me if she doesn’t want to. But I still want to be there. I just want her to know that someone is there for her.

“Shim Dohee,” I call out her name as gently as possible. “Can I come to see you?” I hear an even more frustrated groan coming from her, but in a more muffled way as if she’s burying her face on some surface. “Alright, I’ll come to see you. I’m coming. I should be there in fifteen, I’ll let you know once I’m there so you can just buzz me in. Okay, Dohee? Hm?” I take the silence as a yes, once again, and stand up. The line abruptly ends and I just roll my eyes in amusement. She knows she needs me and she can’t even fight it. I know she needs me. I’m not going to ignore it even if she pushes me away.

This is a good thing for me too. Cause then I don’t have to stress over how I’m supposed to start the t lesson she suggested. There’s just no way I could begin such a thing without being verbally vulgar and I can’t simply text her in that way without knowing how she feels about it. I need to see her face while we do it, at least. I mean the lesson. But only if she still insists, obviously, I don’t want to do it as much as possible. It’s way too much already, I might just lose control again.

But it’s none of my concern right now. I just want her to feel better. That’s my main goal for tonight before I officially end the day.

As promised, I succeed in arriving at her building within fifteen minutes. I get to the entrance and that’s when I call her. She doesn’t answer and I sigh in disappointment. I was about to text her when she texts me first. Buzz code is 376. Unit 414. I quickly punch in the numbers she gave me and the entrance door opens up.  

This is the first time I am going to see her apartment and I’m quite nervous and excited. But beyond that, I am still very worried. I just hope I could actually make a change in her mood. The way she was thinking just now is very unhealthy for her. I arrive in front of her unit and I brace myself to knock until I hear something from inside. Is that vacuum? I could be wrong but it sounds like she’s vacuuming.

Oh god, is she speed cleaning right now? I massage my temples as I chuckle to myself. I decide to just stand there for a while until I hear the vacuum stop. As soon as it does, I hear some more rustling sounds, footsteps, and fabrics moving around. I nod as I wait patiently until everything is quiet again. Finally, it gets quiet after a while. I was about to finally knock when the door swings open. Dohee jumps and makes an audible squeal when she saw me. Her eyes were still a bit puffy but I could tell she has stopped crying completely. “I was about to check on you, what took you so long to come up? I already buzzed you in.” She asks and opens the door wider to let me in.

I shrug. “Nothing, I just toured around, it’s a nice building.” I make up a lie to not embarrass her. She returns a pfft. It’s a decent-sized apartment, personally speaking. It’s not as big as mine, that’s for sure. She hasn’t fully cleaned; I could tell from some clutter on the dining table and another corner. “Sorry, I tried to clean a bit but … I just didn’t have enough time until you arrived.” She admits anyway which surprised me. I simply shrug to show her that I really am not bothered by it. I don’t want her to think that just because I have a clean apartment and car means I am a clean freak. Maybe I am … but I don’t condemn others for not being the same way.

“So.” She clears while wiping her sweat. “What brings you here?”

I could tell that she’s trying to act tough but it just simply doesn’t work for me. Without saying anything, I approach her closer before wrapping her in a tight hug. I feel her body jolt momentarily until it eventually loosens up in my arms. “You know, a simple hug like this does wonders sometimes,” I tell her, and she pulls her head away from my chest to look at me with wide eyes. A smile forms on her lips. “Oh! I think so too, seriously. We think the same about that! I totally agree.” She grins excitedly before hugging me, even hopping like a bunny against me.

I sigh in relief, finally seeing a genu