PLAYLIST: “Written In The Stars,” John Legend, WENDY

BAEKHYUN

I feel a sensation in my chest that I haven’t felt in a while. I can’t comprehend when it started, in which part of her story did I begin hurting? Was I expecting more from her smile after last night? Was I expecting her to look at me differently today? Was I having wishful thinking? I could tell she wasn’t glad that the man is now single but I still feel myself getting blown farther away from her once again as if last night never happened. I don’t know how to manage this emotion of mine—it’s been so long since I had to.

“Oh-oh, Sunbae, wait—you’re spilling the developer.” I feel a hand firmly grab mine and that’s when I realize the mess I have made. I look to my left and it was Jun. Then I look down in front of me. I was mixing a lightener for my client that came in for balayage. “Sunbae? You okay?” Jun asks before grabbing the overflowing bowl I got and poured the excess developer into another bowl. “I can use this since I’m also mixing bleach; you might have to repeat your formula though.” He resets the scale for me again and I just nod. “Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry about that, I got distracted.” I answer and I could see his skeptical look at me.  

Byun Baekhyun doesn’t get distracted—I’m pretty sure the whole salons is aware of that fact.

I start mixing the lightener and had to put some more powder to adjust the thickness. Once it was pasty enough for my liking, I walk back to my station. I put on a professional smile and lowered my head a little as I prepare my cart. “Oppa, can I have tea?” My client, Taerin asked. I look over to Haebin who didn’t have to be told and quickly prepared the tea for my client. “Sure, no problem. Haebin is preparing it for you.” I wear my apron before dragging my cart closer to my reach.

I begin my service and I must say … this has been the longest freehand highlights I’ve ever done. It didn’t take long, it’s just that it felt long. I counted every second, every , every section I made. I wanted to be gone, I wanted to come home as soon as I can. This is going to take me at least two more hours before I could go home. I still need to wait for this to process, rinse, tone it, wait again, then rinse again, detangle her hair, and then finally dry and style. Enumerating the remaining steps already gives me anxiety.

I want to be alone, so badly.

I just want to be alone.

If I have known this would happen … I probably would have never mustered up the courage to finally give it a try. It was a poor judgment on my part. I was too confident because of a simple pat on the head--literally. I have become this overly-joyed puppy who got too thrilled when he simply heard a word similar, but not even close to ‘treats.’ For a moment, I felt like I touched something that I could never really hold on to. I thought last night was going to change a lot between us. The way she looked at me with so much concern as she tells me the story about the guy, however, I could tell that she really cares about him. I don’t even want to think about it again. I need to focus on my work.

For what felt like an eternity, I eventually finish my shift for today. I walk my last client out after she paid. I let out a big sigh as I look down at my schedule to check if everyone was checked out properly. “Are you okay, sunbae?” Yeonji asked. I briefly look at her before nodding. “Tired? You were busy today.” She adds and again, I only nod. As much as I wanted to socialize, I just couldn’t do so properly right now. I felt bad when I see her look away with an awkward smile as if getting the hint that I didn’t want to talk. So, I walk away to clean my station. When I arrived, Haebin was already sweeping the floor for me. “Thank you, Haebin.” I say as I put my stuff in my pouch. “You can go ahead and get ready to leave, Sunbae. I will clean up for you. I’m not too busy anymore.” She offers. Ugh, I appreciate that so much. I sigh in relief and I patted her on the back. “Thank you.” I weakly say before heaving to the bathroom.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I was affected. I never usually allow my personal life into my work but … I haven’t had a personal life in a very long time to start with. I was behind today, very behind my schedule. I was supposed to finish at five but it’s already past six. I finished that last client longer than expected, I feel bad. I wash my hands for a long time before wiping them dry. I’m not even going to hang around any longer. I just want to leave. I step out and walked into the staff room to gather my things.

I say my goodbyes to everyone and walk right out. I take in one deep breath as soon as I stepped out, being welcomed by the warm summer breeze. The sky was a combination of pink and orange—it was beautiful but dim enough to make me feel all gloomy again. I walk to my car while bouncing my keys against my palm. As I walk, I remind myself of the overwhelming emotions I felt last night. It was a raw experience for me to be that close to her, both physically and emotionally, after three years of knowing her. I find myself smiling again. I can still smile despite my sad luck and that’s a good sign. She’s still beautiful inside and out, nothing will change … not even my feelings for her.

I get into my car and for a while, I just sit still. The quietness that was once calming for me wasn’t so calming anymore, it only allows me to entertain all the negative emotions I’ve absorbed today.

I drop a low-spirited chuckle as I look down. I shake my head while patting myself on the back of my neck. “You’re okay.” I smile as I comfort myself. This shouldn’t take too long, I’m good at handling things like this. I was distracted for a couple of days but I should be able to get back to myself soon. “You’re okay,” I repeat and this time, I lean my head against the seat. I close my eyes for a moment to rest them. I allow my shoulders to loosen down comfortably against the seat as I take in the cool air coming out of the A/C of my car.

Now, I feel better.

I open my eyes again and finally start the engine. I smile to myself, feeling satisfied at how I managed to get over it so quickly. Clearing my thoughts completely, I drive straight home. There’s a lot of things I could do to fill up the rest of my night. I will cook myself a light dinner, do my laundry, and maybe meditate. Yes, I need to meditate so badly, I have been really bad to myself. I have let outside triggers penetrate my system and I need to detox, emotionally. By tomorrow, I intend to be back to normal like nothing happened at all.

I arrive home and go straight to cooking. I look through my fridge and take out the basic ingredients I usually always use. Lastly, I take out the eggs. I cannot help but stop as I grab its container. I am reminded by that night in the grocery store and I automatically smile. She’s a silly girl, always will be. Before it penetrates me again even deeper, I shake the thought off of me and closed the fridge. I put the case of eggs down the counter beside an onion, peeled cloves of garlic, and some frozen mixed vegetables. I will just go a simply stir-fry and partner it with some boiled eggs. Simple but filling enough for this exhaustingly long day.

I set up my table, complete with a placemat for one, chopsticks and fork, and a glass filled with ice. I walk back into the kitchen and took out a full bottle of water. I only drink bottled water and I usually refuse to drink tap water as much as possible, unless it is filtered first. I pour water on my glass and drink some. Once I am satisfied enough, I walk back to continue my cooking. It was a pretty basic process and I completed a whole meal in just minutes. I plate it