PLAYLIST: “Privacy,” Baekhyun

DOHEE

Soft brown hair tangles over his forehead untidily, showing a glimpse of his charming straight eyebrows that always hold so much emotion every time he speaks. His smooth round eyelids still resemble a puppy’s even if I couldn’t see his eyes at the moment. Cute button nose and soft kissable lips always remind me of jelly. The little beauty marks only one could see up close.

My finger finds its way up to his nose, tracing its soft bridge. His breathing elevates for a moment and his head jerks slightly from the touch. His warmth and weight all over me are so much better than the expensive weighted blanket that I only use during the winter. The weather is still quite hot but somehow, I am enjoying this heat that surrounds me. His arm heavily rests around my bare hips and I do the same to him, even leaning closer until my nose is up against his chest. He smells rather different from how he usually smells; I don’t know how to describe it. It’s not perfume neither a soap. It’s … simply Byun Baekhyun. It’s his natural scent and it’s driving me crazy. I tilt my head under me to look at his arm that I have been using as a pillow. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying on it but I can only imagine how numb it is for him by now. I used to dream of someday experiencing this type of embrace but all I could think of right now is his arm that must have fallen asleep deeper than he is right now.

As gently as I could possibly be, I move away from him. I let his arm drop to the bed as I roll all the way to the other side to get off. Wow, the sheets are still quite damp from last night. We passed out right after what happened, we didn’t have time to dry it. Wait, what time is it even? I look over to the clock that’s on the bedside table.

It’s only six in the morning?! Why am I wide awake now? Oh god, it’s so early, what am I supposed to do with myself at this hour? I don’t even normally wake up this early, I’m not used to it. I’m surprised Baekhyun is still sleeping. I sit up from the bed gently and I get instantly greeted by tenderness all over my lower body, including my inner thighs and privates. What the heck is this feeling? This is so weird; I’ve never felt this before. I carefully get up and I nearly lost balance. The muscles on my thighs are so sore, I feel like I did a hundred squats and ran seven laps. That’s the most accurate description of my feeling at the moment.

I hold it together and take small steps to the bathroom. Oh god, I feel weird all over. Is this normal? Am I normal right now? I look at my sleeping boyfriend one last time before getting into the bathroom. I catch myself in the mirror and gasp. Right, I am still fully . I cover my mouth in terror. I hate seeing myself like this, why am I still ? “What the heck are these?” I lean closer to the mirror while I touch dark circular spots the size of a quarter on my neck and even down to my .

Oh god … are these hickeys? Do they look like this? How do people find these y? They don’t look y to me right now! It looks like a bad allergy!

“One, two … three, fou—what the heck, I got chewed.” I look down to my inner thighs and also found some spots down there. Jesus Christ, how many did Baekhyun leave? I don’t even remember the exact times he did it, I was … enjoying them too much I guess to even notice? I quickly turn around to see my back and I spot another one on the left cheek of my bum. Seriously? He didn’t miss that part. “You have got to be kidding me, is this normal?” I turn around to face my reflection again as my hand reaches up to my mouth. Somehow though, a stupid smile forms on my lips.

Memories from last night rerun leisurely in my head. Wow, the passion, the longing that Baekhyun presented to me was … on a different level. We made love. Jeez, at this point, making love even sounds like an understatement. I sit on the toilet to do my business but my mind remains entangled with last night’s events. I feel cherished, loved, wanted. Every touch, every kiss, and every he gave me lingers on my skin—as if he’s still all over me right this second. I must say, that was the most pleasurable pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Well, it obviously started painfully but he was so gentle and patient that I have long forgotten how it felt in the beginning.

All I could think of is the pleasure that came after.

Oh.My.God. I’m not a anymore. I take a bunch of tissue around my hand and wipe myself. I groan lightly when I feel the soreness even more as I wipe. I quickly check to see if there’s any blood, I swear it feels like there is. Also, I’ve heard many times before that you usually bleed on the first time? I mean another article said it’s always different for everyone.

I sigh in relief when I don’t see a trace of red on the tissue. Nope, no blood. “Thank God.” I roll the tissue and throw it. I gently close the lid of the toilet before pressing flush, just so it doesn’t make as much noise as I want it to. I don’t want to wake Baekhyun up. I wash my hands before grabbing the unused towel hang on the hanger. I need some kind of cover-up even if he’s asleep. I feel extremely exposed right now.

Shim Dohee, relax. Just get out there and put some clothes on as fast as you can and then try to go back to sleep. I nod in determination before tiptoeing as gently as possible to the door. I frantically wrap the towel around my body as I turn the doorknob quietly. “Don’t make a sound. Gently. Gently. Gently.” I muffle hoping that the door doesn’t make a squeaky sound at all. I try not to swing it open way too slow because that might make the sound worse, right?

I make my way out of the bathroom and rush to the couch to get my bag. I take out my oversize Hello Kitty sleeping shirt that is long enough to be a dress for me—I’m short, okay—and I pair it with a thong. For some reason, I’ve come overly prepared for intimacy that I only brought thongs.  And ever since I’ve tried it for the first time, I started liking it better because of its efficiency.

Instead of going back to bed, I get the urge to check outside. I look at Baekhyun as I make my way towards the balcony. As quietly as I could, I unlock the glass door and slide it open. A cool breeze hit my body immediately as I step out barefooted. The early morning breeze during summer is the best for me, especially when you have this beautiful view.

I lean against the cold metal bars and I close my eyes. A smile automatically draws my lips up as I take in the fresh scent of nature. There are a lot more trees and plants around here than in the city where I live, that’s for sure. Effortlessly, memories of last night once again run through my mind. It was a special night indeed. It was worth the wait.

He … was worth the wait. Not rushing it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

I wouldn’t want my first time any other way. I don’t think I’d ever find someone as gentle and patient as he was to me last night. I felt how much he wanted to make sure everything was about me. I wish I could have done more for him too, I guess I’m just going to make it up to him when I get the chance. Nevertheless, I never thought our relationship could blossom even more after last night. I didn’t think there was more to it. All the self-doubts and insecurities I’ve felt about myself all these years of why I never got to experience such a vital event at an earlier age were washed away by his love alone. Last night, there were the two of us. No one else in the world mattered.

He made me feel so safe in his arms. Trust grew even more between us and it happened in such a beautiful way. I used to think is nothing but a physical activity due to human nature but … the experience he gave me last night was something that I can permanently tattoo in my heart and mind. I could replay it over and over again and I would never get tired of the memory. The attachment I have for him is now double its size. A mix of anxiety and gladness surround me as I look at the beautiful foggy view.

I’m always afraid of wanting something so much. I’m afraid to lose it. I’ve lived all my life avoiding such feelings just to be safe. Expectations, optimism, love … are three things that can either make you or break you.

I just hope it’s not the latter for me.

A familiar warmth wraps me like a blanket and I knowingly turn with a smile. It’s him. “Did I wake you? Sorry, I forgot to close the door. Did I make it cold in there?” I ask and I feel him press his lips on the crook of my neck. I can still feel his skin against my back but it seems like he has put some shorts on. “How are you feeling?” His voice is mellow against my skin that I shiver.  “I’m a li—little sore but … I guess it’s normal? I feel like I did a lot of squats. Hopefully, I can still walk a lot later today when we get to the island.” I reluctantly answer, fearing that I might be giving out too much information. His soft chuckle vibrates on my skin as he begins planting soft lingering kisses on my neck.

I can feel his hardness poking me behind and it makes me groan. Oh god, not again with this weird feeling on my groin. It’s worse than the so-called butterflies. “Yah, I think the sheets are still a little damp, don’t you think? We should hang it or something. It’s just water so I don’t think we need to ask for—” He turns my head towards him and captures my lips, not hesitating to make it passionate right away. The unexpected intensity makes me turn around to respond to the kiss. My upper back meets the cold surface of the metal bar behind me. Normally, I’d feel very self-conscious because of my morning breath but he doesn’t seem to care. I mean, he has it too but I don’t even care at this point.

He doesn’t even need to say anything and I already know I want him again. I can never get used to his passion. It will always have this great effect on me that I can never fight back. It tells me things that only I can ever understand. Things that are beyond what mere words can say.

His hand finds its way to my and he massages it firmly making me sigh in pleasure. The kiss grows wetter as our heads move in sync from side to side. He suddenly grabs me on the back of my thighs and lifts me up in his arms. I squeal in fear as I turn behind me. “Yah, we’re on the balcony. Don’t drop me.” I laugh hard while holding onto the bar for balance. I’m not in any risk of falling, to be honest, I think I’d panic more if I was. It was just so sudden. He quickly turns around and walks me back inside.

And somehow, we ended up making love for the second time.

Just when I thought nothing could beat the first time … Baekhyun chooses to blow my mind once again. Do you know when they say you need to repeat the workout when you are very sore? Well, I’m sorer now but at the same time, I love the feeling it is giving me. Is it weird? I initially thought I’d like a long break from that just to get over the soreness first but wow, I didn’t know it’s that hard to resist! It felt more exciting the second time because I am more aware of the upcoming sensations and I have nothing but anticipation towards the pleasure that we are giving each other. Everything felt even