PLAYLIST: “More Than You’ll Ever Know,” Nyoy Volante (Cover)

BAEKHYUN

I don’t think I have ever felt this kind of distress before. For a minute, as I wait at her door that she initially refused to open, I lost all my strength both emotionally and physically. Even from the moment that I started calling her back this afternoon when I finally had the chance, I knew there was something really wrong. The most painful part is that … I couldn’t even be there for her sooner. So, I didn’t hesitate to rush to her place right after work and I even had to wait outside the building for a long time until a tenant finally came to get in, I sneaked in.

I didn’t know what was happening exactly. Until now, I don’t.

As I hold her in my arms in complete utter silence, I wait patiently. Until she’s ready to talk about it, I won’t ask. Personally, I also get those days where it’s simply difficult to express your agony no matter how much you want to let them out. I just try to put myself in her shoe. She will be ready eventually and if she never tells me anything, that doesn’t make me careless.

Who am I to speak? I barely open up to people.

With every sniffle, I the back of her head to somewhat remind her that I’m still very here. If I could just take all her pain right now, I definitely would. I feel like I’ll be able to handle it better than she is. But at the same time, I want her to be strong. I want her to accept all these anxieties, however bad they are because they will make her stronger in time. I want her to grow at her own pace and I hope to be there to cheer her on when that happens. That’s also why I don’t try to press her right away. She can be silent; she can cry all she wants because releasing it is always better than bottle it up.

I want to assure her that her feelings are valid and it’s not something you can ignore and brush away easily through talking. This reminds me of those moments when I was all alone when I had to deal with this kind of pain. I was afraid. I was doubtful. I was rejected. I was judged. No one would ever think now that I’ve ever felt hopeless, but I did at one point in my life, and it’s the worst feeling ever. You name it, I’ve felt all of them. I had to endure and grow by myself, that’s how I learned to appreciate my own pace and my own time. I had to support myself when no one else did.

No matter how much I now cherish my aloneness, being alone at this sort of time where you feel so much that it overwhelms you to the point of numbness is a feeling no one should ever go through alone. I don’t want anyone to ever feel what I felt before. Especially not her, not the woman I love. I’d do anything in my power to make her feel safe with me, one way or another.

I finally feel my girlfriend move her head away from my neck, after what seemed like ten minutes straight of stillness if I’m timing it correctly in my head. I’m surprised she didn’t end up falling asleep, to be frank.

I didn’t think I’d feel more pain and worry as I do now but the moment that I meet her eyes, I absorb more of it from her and it tugs on my heart uncomfortably. I cup her face with my hands and I begin wiping away the damp stains of tears on her cheeks. “Baekhyun, why am I so weak?” Her voice is soft and scared, her trembling hands holding onto my wrists. I shake my head in disagreement. “You’re not weak, trust me. I don’t lie, you know that.” I reply before lowering her head to me until my lips are pressed against her forehead.

She looks down at me again, seemingly a bit calmer than before. I don’t see her eyes glistening with tears anymore but the aching lingers. “I’m … at the age … where I should be done being scared. I’m at the age where I should be mature enough to face whatever comes to me. I’m at the age where I sho—” I press my finger on her lips to stop her. “Your age doesn’t define who you are … or how you want your life to go. When you say you’re at the age where you should do this and that, you’re just comparing yourself to other people.” I argue back with a frown.

She looks down to avoid my eyes. “Kyungsoo got in a car accident last night. He’s going to be away for a while to heal and … he asked me to take over his responsibilities for the time being. He wants to give me a letter of authority. I don’t know why he’d do such a thing; I feel like he’s making a mistake.” She finally reveals to me. I got some bits and pieces of information this afternoon but because she was panicking, I could barely make sense out of it. Now, I understand it more.  “Do you really think a business-minded person like him or his family, like you’ve told me many times, would just make such a big decision without thinking about it carefully?” I smile as I try to catch her gaze but she’s too good in dodging them at the moment. “Letter of Authority is a sign that … he trusts you. Not everyone easily earns that, especially when you’re not even part of his family.”

She shakes her head. “I think he just didn’t have a choice cause no one else would be available. Otherwise, he would have never given me such responsibility.”

I throw my head to the couch for a moment as I try to keep my composure. I just want to get her out of her head for one second so she could understand me better.

I place my hands on her hips to keep her steady as she fiddles with the front of my shirt while looking down at it with a big pout. “And yet he did. He did give you the responsibility. At the end of the day, he owns the business. He has a choice, he always has. And he chose to trust you.” I reply only earning another shrug from her. “He probably just feels bad for what he did couple of weeks ago.”

She … I mean her pessimism … always has an answer, somehow.

I simply tilt my head as I grab her by the chin to make her look back at me. “Do you realize, with that letter of authority, you can easily steal from his bank account if you want to? You can do a lot of bad things in his name if you choose to. Since he once harassed you, right? Wouldn’t it make sense to get revenge through that, make his life miserable? Take all his money and run away with it.” I try a different route to get in her head. A little harsh for her innocent mind but I just had to.

She gives me a sourly horrified look. “Wha—why would I do that? I’d never do that. That’s so bad, Baekhyun. I’m not like that!” She lightly punches me on the chest. “Exactly. You see my point?” I ask her with a growing smile. “Do you really think an educated businessman who is aware that he once did you really wrong, would just give you his letter of authority and possibly put himself in more serious problems if you take advantage of that?”

Finally, she doesn’t say anything. “Still.” She muffles quietly making me chuckle. “Still? Still what, hm? You can’t even argue anymore, can you?” I pinch her cheeks earning a glare from her. Her face quickly softens back to a solemn smile. “I’m … sorry for ignoring you at first. I was afraid to show you this side of me. I didn’t think you’d understand. Even for me, it’s too much.” She confesses as she timidly looks at me. Tears begin forming in her eyes again but her smile only widens. “I don’t want to be a burden to you. I am enough burden to other people already.” I catch the first tear that falls with the back of my hand.

She’s never going to be a burden to me. Nothing she can do would ever make me feel different for her. “I love you.” I simply say and she looks down while shaking her head in awe. “It still feels weird to hear that, I just—” She laughs. “Someone loves me despite that I am the way I am.”

I plant a chaste kiss on her lips. “I love you because you’re the way that you are.” I correct her firmly and she smiles more. “What … pretty weird and cool?” She asks making me laugh as I nod. “Yes, because you’re pretty weird and cool, just what I wanted in a girlfriend.” I lean in for a lingering kiss this time and she responds right away.

I know in my heart that I loved my past lovers… but I’ve never loved them the way I love Shim Dohee. It’s like, finding that one person who finally makes everything feel right. I’m not the one to hold on to destiny or fate, I don’t even believe in soulmates … but she somehow makes me think otherwise. Having her in my life now makes me feel whole. She makes me want to look forward to what my life is going to be five years, ten years, or even twenty years from now and I’ve always been the type of person who prefers to only live in the now.

I never thought my future could ever be exciting.

She makes it so, as long as she’s part of it.

I cut the kiss for a moment as I her jaw. “Also, your bunny teeth are my favourite.” I belatedly add. She scrunches her nose at me, showing her teeth even more and I couldn’t help but laugh. She just proves it to me even more. “Tell you what … why don’t we go on our first trip as a couple, somewhere, wherever we want, once your boss is back to work?” I brush my fingers through her hair, untangling some of the pieces for her. “Gives you something to look forward to instead, right?”

Her eyes finally lit up like stars in a clear night. falls open for a loud gasp. “Where?” She tugs on my shirt firmly as she asks with a growing smile. “Honestly, wherever you want to go. We can even go overseas if you want, you have a passport, right?” I ask her and she pouts. “Hm, I don’t really want to fly and no, I’ve never gone anywhere so I never had to get one. Let’s just go somewhere within this country, is that okay?” She nods persuasively but she didn’t even have to do that, really. I don’t mind going anywhere with her.

I could get lost on a deserted island with her and I bet I’m still going to have the greatest time.

I nod as I try to come up with a place. But before I could even start, she snaps her fingers excitedly. “How about a day trip to Nami Island? I’ve always wanted to go there.” Hm, sounds interesting. I slowly nod again. “Day trip? I’m thinking more like … a few days, if that’s okay?” I suggest and I watch her face stiffen right away and her cheeks turning crimson. “Or at least an overnight trip,” I add but it only makes her expression worse.

She blinks rapidly. “You mean li—like … we check-in in a hotel?”

I slip my hand in her neck and play with her hair. “Of course, we’d have to. We’re probably not even going to drive, it’s best to take the train or