PLAYLIST: “Lucky,” Jason Mraz & Colbie Caillat

DOHEE

I guess one week was good enough punishment, huh? I glare at Kyungsoo’s car that I quickly recognize as I make my way into the café. I mean, it’s not that I expected his family to throw him out on some remote island and abandon him forever but still … I feel like he needs a real break from work. He’s seriously very madly troubled since the breakup happened. But anyway, I guess I should be thankful his mother even believed me in the first place.

I get to my office and the first person I see is him. Oh, good god, here we go again. I hold onto the doorknob and I refuse to come in. I just look at him indifferently as he turns to look at me. He was looking through my computer and I assume he is checking the sales for the last week that he was good or whatever, I really don’t care. He walks over to me and I take a step back away from the door. As he walks past me and out of the office, I hear the quietest Sorry rumble out of his mouth.

He doesn’t even look at me. Ouch? He’s not even going to properly apologize to me? Really? I wonder what kind of trouble he actually got from his family after what he’s done. “Good morning, sir.” I greet him anyway before walking into my office. I was about to close the door when I notice him stop. I brace myself as I grip on the doorknob tightly, ready to shut it close in case he does something stupid again. Instead, he turns around with his head lowered. “I’m sorry.” I finally hear a clearer apology from him. “I’m sorry that I’ve changed for the worse after I lost Jihyun. And I know … that’s not how you knew me as a boss, I must have disappointed you so much. I’m sorry, Dohee.”

I look away, feeling sympathetic but I try to control it for my own safety. He sounds very genuine and actually seems like how he used to be. His eyes, at least, look like they’re back from how they were before. The only difference is, there’s still a great sorrow in them.

He finally looks up with the faintest smile. “I’ve forgotten who I was when she left me and I’m sorry that you and all the staff had to see me suffer like that, and worse, vent it on all of you. That was very unprofessional of me.” His head drops again as he chuckled. “I’m actually surprised you didn’t quit; I would have if I had a boss like me. You don’t know how grateful I am that you didn’t leave. Especially at this time, I really need someone to lead this café with me because I … can barely function.” His voice shakes like he’s about to cry.

I still don’t say anything. I just don’t really know how to say. I feel like I’m too scared to soften up to him now.

I don’t know, am I being mean for still feeling aloof? Maybe I should just forgive him fully and work things out between us, at least professionally?

But how? How do I convince myself to relax when he’s here? I’m too worried and scared.

He clears his throat as he rubs the tip of his nose. “I’d like to personally apologize to your friend that I had an altercation with last week. He works in the salon, right? I will come by later to talk to him. Can I know his name?” That’s when I finally manage to react upon the mention of my friend—now boyfriend. “Uh, sir, I don’t think that’s necessary. It’s fine, sir, don’t worry. He’s not that upset.” I shake my head eagerly while also waving my hands against my chest.

I don’t know why, I know Kyungsoo probably means well now, but I just can’t risk any more troubles.

I just don’t want to deal with this right now.

I am not in the right headspace to be stressing over more things. I haven’t even fully gotten over what my parents had said to me. I am still yet to sort them out entirely and I know it’s not going to be easy. I am a very sensitive person and it’s hard for me to forget such things. I still have random blows of insecurity every now and then. It goes back and forth randomly, with or without triggers. Even after the simple yet beautiful talk, I’ve had with Baekhyun yesterday. So, I don’t want to be really dealing with this right now. “Oh, okay. I understand.” He doesn’t push it anymore and he turns away to go to his own office across from mine. I sigh in relief when the interaction finishes.

Phew, nothing happened. I’m so glad.

I walk over to my table and put my bags down to the side. I think I’m going to call Baekhyun to tell him about this. It’s only eight and he starts work at nine but I’m sure he’s already awake. I mean, I hope so. I sit on my chair and phone my boyfriend. It takes him a couple of rings before he answers. ‘Hey, good morning. What’s up?’ His voice seems distant, his phone is probably on speaker right now. “Sorry, am I bothering you? Are you getting ready for work?” I ask while biting on my bottom lip, feeling mortified. I hear metal clacking that sounds like the ones from a belt. Yup, he’s probably getting dressed. Yikes. ‘I’m getting ready but you’re not bothering me. Everything okay?’ He asks casually. I eventually ease down on my chair as I smile, feeling much more relieved of hearing his voice so early in the morning. “Yeah, uhm, just … Kyungsoo’s back to work today.” I finally reveal and there was a brief silence on the other line and I wait impatiently for him to say anything. ‘Uh … are you okay then? Did he talk to you? Do you want me to come by later to check on you if you’re anxious that he’s there?’ He calmly asks although I do hear a hint of concern from his voice.

I sigh. “No, don’t worry. I’m just … conflicted. He apologized and he seems very genuine this time but I don’t know what to do or how to feel about that. He even wants to apologize to you personally, I just stopped him.” I pucker my lips as I lean more to my chair, swivelling it back and forth. ‘Well, I understand if you feel conflicted right now. He apologized genuinely and that’s good but it doesn’t mean you have to decide right away if you forgive him or not. Do it in your own time, I’m sure he knows that, if he’s really genuine about it.’ My very mature boyfriend explains to me, putting much more ease in my heart. “I guess you’re right. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. I’m still a bit scared to go close to him.” I grunt in frustration.

I hear him exhale heavily. ‘Well … you wanted to stay because you need the job. I respect that but … this is what I was worried about. I don’t want you to be always anxious every time he’s there. It’s going to take time and effort from him to assure you enough that nothing’s going to happen.’ He explains. Ugh, I hate that he’s right. I wish I could quit that easily. It’s not that easy to find a new job. Especially not for me, I at interviews.

That’s one big reason but I don’t want to quit. I don’t want to go through the job-hunting process again and have a borderline heart attack every time I have an interview and end up screwing it up. I am not good at handling my anxiety. My anxiety handles me. It owns me. It eats me up and I can never fight back, most of the time. I’m so bad at it that I’d rather suffer and stay here even if it means I’m miserable and stressed out every time my boss is around.

Aren’t I messed up in the head?

‘Are you going to be okay, love? You know that I won’t be able to answer you throughout the day. I mean, I’ll try but I’m fully booked today. I don’t even have time for lunch.’ He adds, concern building up in his tone. And Oh.My.God. He called me Love again. At this point, I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose now or he still doesn’t realize that he’s doing it. I get briefly distracted from stress as a smile creeps on my lips. “Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m calling you now. I just … want to hear your voice. I need my Vitamin B before I start working.” I scrape my teeth on my bottom lips as I wait for his response.

A handsome chuckle from him sings through my ear. ‘You’re adorable.’ He casually tells and I could tell he is moving around again from his tone of voice. ‘Anyway, I’ll finish getting ready. I will let you know when I’m at work. M’kay? I’ll talk to you later.’ He initiated to end the call. “Yeah yeah, sure. Okay, bye-bye.” I smile as if he’d see it before I end the call first. I should probably start opening up anyway. I open my drawer to put my phone in there and I notice the familiar handkerchief I hid in there.

Right, this was the handkerchief that I let Kyungsoo and that I swore I’d never wash after he gave it back to me. Well, I’m not so sure anymore what to do with it. I guess I’m gonna take it home and wash it. It’s still mine, after all. It just … finally lost its significance to me.

I leave my office to go to the locker room. I hear Kyungsoo talking in his office and since the door is slightly cracked open, I couldn’t help but listen. I know it isn’t so nice to eavesdrop but I just can’t help but be hypersensitive about everything that Kyungsoo is doing. I guess this is still me in my defensive mode. “Hey, babe--Jihyun. It’s me again … sorry for leaving so many voice mails. I just really mi—can we please talk? Please, just once. I promise I won’t bother you again if you just hear me out once. I just want to talk to you. Please call me back when you can. Th—thank you.” I bite my bottom lip as sympathy eats me up more. Gosh, I wonder how many voicemails he has left, exa