PLAYLIST: “Soon You’ll Get Better,” Taylor Swift

DOHEE

Is this where things start going south? I know that it is very unfair of me to even think that when the root cause of the problem—not really a problem, I’m just sensitive—is his work. Ever since the salon started preparations for the product launch and Japan convention, Baekhyun hasn’t had much time to see me for the entire week, aside from short-lived phone calls at night before he passes out in his bed or quick updates from him through out the day. It and I know that he hates it just as much as I do but I can’t help but to be human and … feel neglected somehow.

I hate this feeling because I know he isn’t, in any freaking way, neglecting me. There’s like two clashing enemies in my brain surrounding this matter; the Considerate Angel and the Self-doubting Monster. Considerate Angel knows exactly what this is about and understands it clearly. No hard feelings are involved because I trust my boyfriend and I trust our relationship. On the other hand, Self-doubting Monster keeps telling me to feel isolated and blaming me for being not good enough that’s why Baekhyun is starting to get bored of me and would rather bury himself with work than spend time with me. Stupid, right? I know.

I hate that I am this kind of person. I hate that I hate myself this much that I can’t even have an ounce of sympathy towards the situation. No matter how much I try to listen to the good side of my brain, it’s like my whole body is automatically shutting down and losing energy before I could even begin to understand it like a mature person.

Another big thing that bothered me today, I got an email from one of my high school classmates and apparently, our batch will have a reunion this coming December but I did not even need to think twice and declined it, I lied and said I wasn’t going to be available. Despite my quick decision however, I could not help myself and I ended up stalking most of my high school classmates on social media and I found out that majority of them are very successful and with families now. Like … how am I supposed to show myself to them? Besides, they probably don’t even really remember who I am. I was completely invisible to them, why should I think that my presence in that reunion would matter now?

Ugh, I’m a big joke.  

It’s a Tuesday today and I am not even supposed to stay at work this long but I just … had to. I had to distract myself once again. The way that I have been dealing with these problems of mine is work work work and sleep sleep sleep. Baekhyun knows nothing about what I’ve been feeling, he doesn’t need to know. I don’t want to make him feel bad because this is my own issue. It’s unfair enough for me to even be feeling this way when he’s been working so hard.

Finger snaps wake me up from my deepest thoughts. I lift my chin and see my boss peering across me, grimacing in confusion. “Are you okay? You really don’t have to stay, you know? I got this.” Kyungsoo gazes back down to the papers we were organizing on his table. The café has been closed for a few hours by now but like I said, I stayed. I’d rather stretch my day as much as possible than go home and hate myself even more until I am tired enough to sleep. Sometimes, I’d even take night-time flu medicine just to fall asleep. I know that’s very very wrong and unhealthy in so many ways but … I have to fall asleep to stop my brain from operating, or at least that’s what it feels like when I’m asleep.

“Are you okay? You’ve been acting kind of off lately.” My boss adds before handing me a good pile that he has finished organizing. I grab it with two hands before arranging it into a folder. “Problems with your boyfriend?” He chuckles lightly.

I am quick to shake my head in panic. Do Kyungsoo, don’t put ideas in my head. He can’t be saying that without me potentially overthinking about later tonight. “Okay okay—I’m not trying to be weird or anything, I was just guessing, relax.” He laughs at my reaction. Jeez, I am really sensitive lately. This is not good. This whole Japan project thing has been irking me since I’ve heard of it. Plus, I am obviously still dealing with the fact that my parents just divorced. I honestly didn’t think it would even affect me but it did and it still does. Perhaps, after hearing both sides now … it’s pretty hard to get over with.

A part of me is senselessly hoping that … maybe there’s a chance to fix things? I never even thought I’d ever say that about my parents who did nothing but make my childhood up to my adulthood life miserable because of their marriage.

Wow, my brain is all over the place.

I snoop at my boss again who is now flipping through some old files we took out from the cabinet so we can pick and shred the unneeded ones. “Sir?” I lay my hands flat on the folder nervously. He looks up, letting out a soft hum. “You’re a guy—” I clear my throat as I hesitate for a second. The crease on his forehead deepens as he smiles. “Uhm, I hope so?” He replies unsure.

“No, I mean you’re a guy, what would you feel if … uhm … if your girlfriend complains about your very busy work and if she tells you that she feels neglected and depressed because of it?” I finally manage to let my worries out to another human being aside myself, although indirectly. It’s very weird that I am telling him this of all people. We’ve had some issues in the past which are way back in the past now. Everything is good but still … I never opened up to him before. But I don’t have any other male options aside from my boyfriend and obviously, I won’t tell him this.

“Ahhh.” He leans on his chair while awkwardly nodding. “Well—” he his chin while thinking and I impatiently wait, tapping the tip of my pen on the table. “I don’t think I’m the best person to ask that? Cause I’d just … you see, I’m very—how do you word this—I’m extremely compliant to my partner? Or at least, I was to Jihyun. If she gets mad, I’d just … stop whatever it is that’s making her mad. Sorry—that’s bull, that’s not really going to help you.” He looks away in embarrassment while rubbing his neck.

I shake my head again. “No, it’s not me—it’s my friend.” I make a classic excuse which I knew he wouldn’t buy. He doesn’t say anything and just nods.

There was a brief silence until Kyungsoo grabs my attention again, with a light tap on the table. “Why, isn’t he a hairstylist? Doesn’t … the salon open and close at the same time everyday? Are they open twenty-four-seven now? How is he busy.” He is blunt with me and I am not sure how to respond to that. I can’t help but pout. Ugh, what does he even mean by that? “Well … he’s a director stylist which is pretty high-up, he’s pretty busy with—Sir, I said it was for my friend though.” I get a hold of myself in the end.

He nonchalantly shrugs before slipping in some old files into the shredder. I look away in defeat before taking my phone out of my pocket to check if Baekhyun has already replied to the text I last sent at six in the evening. Still no answer, he hasn’t even read the message yet and it’s already ten. His last message to me was him telling me that he’s running a lot of errands with Taewoo today and that they will be visiting some lab to check the products they are producing or something like that, I don’t really understand. “I’ll stop by the convenience, gotta get myself some cup noodles or something. I think I won’t find the file my dad wants anytime soon. Why don’t you go home now, it’s late, you know?” Kyungsoo he scurries to the corner of the office to get his jacket.

Ugh, I hate that he’s right. I mean, it’s not like I can hide in here forever. “Come on, I’ll walk you home, the store is on the way anyway.” I lazily pull myself up and try to tidy up as much as I can before following out.

We leave the café together and he locks the door himself. “Let’s go.” He walks ahead while stretching his arms up. I trail behind him while hugging my purse close to my chest. This is sad. This is very very sad. It’s Tuesday today and Baekhyun wasn’t even supposed to be working. “Dohee.” I look up abruptly to look at my boss’s back profile. He doesn’t turn to me and instead takes out his pack of cigarettes. “Isn’t your birthday in a few weeks? I remember because I was away last year when it was your birthday.” He asks while lighting his smokes that hangs in between his lips.

Since when did this guy smoke? He never smoked before, wait, what? I take a moment of silence as I try to process this surprising sight. “Ah, yes, sir.” I answer with a bright tone. He huffs out a lungful and I had to look away and hold my breath. “Sir, since wh—when did you start smoking?” I couldn’t take it anymore and had to ask. This is just so weird to me; I don’t know why.

He removes the smoke off his lips before turning to me. “I really used to smoke, I just stopped because of Jihyun. You don’t mind if I do, right?” He dimly answers before putting the cigarette back into his mouth. I shyly nod and watch the light flare up as he puffs it in. I don’t know what it is but I just really don’t like people who smoke, it’s very unhealthy. The idea itself scares me. “Anyway, why don’t we have a company dinner for your birthday? I’ll reserve a barbeque place, it’s on me.” He is quick to change the topic back to the original one.

Oh god, not again. Last year, I was able to dodge a possible company dinner for my birthday because Kyungsoo was away for vacation with Jihyun. But now, how am I supposed to avoid this when he is asking me face-to-face. “Sir, it’s—it’s okay, I have plans that day.” I make up a somewhat real excuse. I mean, since Baekhyun will not be around on my birthday, I will be going to my mom’s for lunch and then go out with my dad for dinner. Cool, right? It’s like celebrating twice. Meh, I don’t really find it that cool. I think it . This is very new to me and I am not looking forward to it at all.

To be honest … I never knew I’d say this but … the divorce is inevitably affecting me. The relief that I initially felt from the news was quick to change into nothing but emptiness. I just feel bitter about it now. I don’t think I can ever look at their relationship the same way after hearing about their real story. I am remorseful and somehow, I feel responsible. I feel like, as their only child, I should have at least made more effort to fight for them. Like, shouldn’t I be the foundation of their relationship? Why am I being a bystander, even celebrating about it at first? Why should I be relieved? Why should this be a good thing for me?

And now, I am suffering the consequences of not trying hard enough to keep my parents together.

“That’s fine, we don’t have to do it right on your birthday. We can do it before or after, you pick.” He gives me another option and I swear to god I am running out of options here. Someone, help me dodge this bullet. I don’t want no party; I don’t want people giving me parties because I’m not that special anyway. It makes me feel like a huge burden. “It’s … fine, sir. Don’t worry about it, it’s just a birthday. And besides, maybe some of our staff won’t be available anyway. I just don’t want to bother anyone and—" He lets out a throaty laugh before looking at me.

“Shim Dohee.” He stops walking before completely turning to me. I anxiously watch his fingers tap the cigarette, ashes falling to the cement ground. “You’re my manager, you deserve a party and our staff would surely love to come. Besides, consider this my thank you for helping me out a lot when I was recovering. Please, don’t say no just this once. Okay? I’m offering this not as your boss, but as your Oppa. Understood?” He reaches for my shoulder and squeeze me lightly before proceeding to walk again. I flinch from the touch and I feel the urge to smell the fabric of my shirt to check if he had left any trace of smoke.

As if the heavens overheard my cry of help, my phone starts buzzing in my purse. I quickly take it out and my face kindle up into a grin when I see my boyfriend’s name on the Caller ID.

Oh my god, I have never been so excited over a phone call before. I heave a big sigh before hitting answer. “Hello? Yah, why weren’t you replying all day? I was worried. Are you still at work?” I can’t help but say and I see my boss turning to me with an amused smile. Oh crap, I think he figured it out that his guess earlier was totally right. He respectfully walks faster as if giving me space. ‘I’m so sorry, love. I was only able to charge my phone now, it died a long time ago when I was out with Taewoo at the lab and the factory. We just got back to the salon but we’re done now, I just had to charge my phone so I could call you. I feel really bad, did I wake you up?’ His voice is gentle and he manages to brush away all the growing pain in my chest all throughout the day.

As always, I was wrong for ever doubting him for even one second.

I keep a stiff upper lip while waving my hand coolly as if he’s right in front of me. “Aigoo, that’s nothing. Actually, I’m only on my way home, my boss is walking me home right now. I stayed late at work to help him.” I explain right away. There was a moment of silence on the other end and I only hear faint sounds of him moving. ‘Can you go to the salon instead? I want to take you home myself.’ He finally speaks after a while. I look over to my left as we approach my building. “Uh, no need, I’m already at my apartment. Don’t worry about it, you had a long day—”

‘No, I mean take you home, to my home. Just stay there then, wait for me, okay? I’m just getting in my car now. See you, love.’ He clarifies before ending the call quickly. I sustain an ample amount of butterflies in my gut from his invitation.

“Uh, sir, I’ll wait for my boyfriend right here, he’s going to pick me up.” I tell my boss making him turn to me with squinted eyes. A smile quickly forms on his lips as he nods. “See, you don’t have to worry about him being busy.” He tells me with an impish tone. I am dumbstruck by his teasing and he seems to be satisfied by the reaction that he got from me. “I mean, your friend doesn’t have to worry.” He rolls his eyes before leaning against the wall by the entrance of the building. “I’ll wait here with you until he’s here. It’s late, you never know who’s roaming around at this hour.” I watch him take out another cigarette out of the box and light it up.

I lean on the wall just a meter away from him and I let my purse drop to my side. His eyes glue up to the sky as he puffs in the smoke. It’s been a few months since he and Jihyun broke up, I wonder if he has already moved on. How long does it usually take a person to get over an ex-lover? I don’t think I’d ever know. “How are you, sir?” I ask out of curiosity. I recall the time when he told me that he has no one else to open up to anymore since losing Jihyun. “I mean, you know—you know what I mean. How are you with … stuff.” I try co clarify m