PLAYLIST: “Stay,” BEN

DOHEE

The initial relief that I felt from my mother’s side of the story relentlessly vanish once I step foot into my father’s new apartment. Even saying that in my head feels very bizarre. A crooked smile waver on my lips when I meet eyes with my father. He feels … different. The only thing seemed consistent is the scent of alcohol all over him as he walks past me. “I thought your boyfriend’s coming along?” His tone is flat as he leads me to his living room. The area is pretty straight forward; a couch, a coffee table and a small television set on a little table. It makes sense if he had just officially moved here a week ago.

I settle down the couch while hugging my purse. Baekhyun is actually downstairs waiting in his car. We did initially plan to come together but I figured, it might be better if I talk to this old man alone. He’s not going to be as easy as my mother to get through to. My mom is closed off and so as this man, if not more. So, Baekhyun and I ultimately agreed that it’s better if I come up alone. “He had something to take care of but he’s going to come pick me up later when we’re done talking … so if you’d like, I can make him come up here so he could say hi to you.” I reply as I watch him take a seat on the other end of the couch.

I was expecting an unknown woman, I mean his mistress. He seems to be completely alone. I guess the woman was too afraid to face me? Makes sense, I would be too if I was a mistress, not that I will ever be anyway.

Do I mention that or do I just focus on the divorce? I really want to know though. I want to at least know if this woman is a good person and worthy of this sudden divorce. I mean, not that there’s even a chance of saving it, but still. “What’s … her name?” I keep my question as simple as possible. My heart tightens with a see a bitter smirk on my father’s mouth as he pours himself alcohol on a shot glass. He doesn’t say anything and it makes me even more nervous So, am I ever going to meet this woman or what? How old is she? What does she do for a living? Does she have children too? Is she caring? I want to know if my father is at least in good hands. He is still my father.

I lift my hand to swear. “I promise, I will keep everything to myself, whatever you tell me right now. I will not say anything to Eomma, you can trust me. Not a word, not even the name.” I wait for him to look at me but he never does and instead, he sighs before gulping down his shot. “Appa, please. I just want to know if you’re going to be okay.” I reach for his hand and I was expecting him to break free from my hold but he doesn’t. He sets the shot glass down the coffee table before leaning on the couch.

“There’s no one.” He answers with a surly tone.

My eyebrows furrow in confusion. I wait for some kind of Gotcha! or Kidding! moment, but it never came. I swallow hard as I retrieve my hand back to my side. “What do you mean there’s no one?”

My father laughs before pouring himself another round of drink. “You promised you’re going to keep your mouth shut, I am holding onto that Shim Dohee.” He points at me with an ominous glare. He exhales a fatigued breath and takes a moment to drink again, but this time, he doesn’t take it in one shot. “I never cheated, I just blurted that out when she said the word divorce. Don’t you dare tell her that, let me keep my dignity at least. I already lost everything.”

My mouth drops in realization. “Appa.” I softly call earning a shrug from him. “What, you think I initiated the divorce? If I wanted to divorce your mother, I would have done it a long time ago. The woman wanted it so badly so I gave her what she wanted.” He casually says before finishing his shot. I snatch the shot glass from him and hide it behind me. “Just stop drinking for one second and talk to me. Appa, I know about everything now. Eomma confessed to me. I know what happened in the past so stop playing it cool. You said yourself that you could never forgive her, right?”

He looks me in the eyes this time. He stretches his arm over me and snatches his glass back. “Doesn’t automatically mean I wanted a divorce.” He opens the bottle of alcohol again and fills up the glass again and swallows it fast. My shoulders stiffen and I reach for my temples. “How does that even make sense—Appa, you can’t be married to someone you can’t forgive because it means there’s no love and if there’s no love, what’s the poi—“

The glass fly across the living room hitting the wall behind the television. “That is the ing problem! I love her but I can’t forgive her, okay?! I can’t forget no matter how much try, I can't get it out of my head. If you’re here to just attack me like this, just leave me alone.” He wobbles towards the television and I quickly follow him. “Appa, there’s broken glasses on the floor, you might step on them.” I try to grab his arm but he yanks me away.

Tears swell up my eyes as I watch my father fall apart in front of me. “You don’t know how it feels to find out that the only person you’ve ever loved fell for someone else.” His voice shakes but his face remains flat as he begins picking up the broken pieces of the shot glass on the floor. “But Appa, she said nothing actually happened for real. It was just emotional, Eomma tried to patch things up—”

A shaky laugh cut me off. “That’s the worst part. There were feelings involved. If she just ed that guy with no feelings attached, I would have felt better. Dohee, if you’re here to just side on your mother and belittle me for feeling whatever the hell I’m feeling, just leave. I don’t have time for this.” He turns away, walking towards his tiny kitchen. I watch him weakly move around the messy kitchen and I had to cover my mouth to supress my sobs from coming out loud.

I have never seen my father this way. It is hurting me to the core. He said … he loves Eomma. I have never heard that word come out of his mouth before. Here’s a broken-hearted sixty-two-year-old man making my heart ache in so much pain. I never saw this coming.

I hesitantly follow to the kitchen and lean by the entrance. “Appa, you l—you love Eomma? I’ve never heard you say that before.”

He closes the cupboard and his hands settle on the edge of the counter. His head drops slowly. “Dohee, I was not a perfect husband, I am aware of that. I didn’t know how to be one and I never will. But it doesn’t mean I don’t know how to love.” He takes out another shot glass before turning around to face me. “I don’t know why I’m bad at expressing things but I just am. I have always been, even to you, right? It was so bad that I made your mother fall out of love, imagine that?” A bitter smile tickles through his lips before he walks past me to get back to the living room.

“Then forgive her. It will make you feel better if you just forgive her. It’s not even for her, it’s for you. Your peace of mind.” I try to convince him but his expression never falters. “Appa, I’m not trying to get you two back together. As much as it hurts to hear, I think yo—I think you’re better off being apart.” I close my eyes for a moment as I compose myself. I wipe the tears rolling down my cheeks before walking back to the couch to sit beside him. “But … I care about you. I never knew you felt all these things. Try to help yourself. Not with alcohol but with forgiveness. Trust me, it will help you feel better.”

He fills his new shot glass with the same alcohol before gulping it down. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, Dohee. You’re wasting your breath coming here if you’re just trying to lecture me what to feel and what to do.” He casually tells me but tears are now rolling off his eyes and he’s acting like they aren’t even there.

My head falls in defeat. “Now, since you’re here, let me give you the divorce papers. I already signed it. Just give it to her.” He grabs a brown folder from the under-storage of the coffee table and hands it to me. There was a brief silence between us for a while. Only the sound of his gulping down the alcohol filled the room. “Appa, I’m really sorry … about all these.” I keep my head low as I fiddle with the handle of my purse. My father huffs a sigh while shaking his head. “Why say sorry? Like you said, your mother and I are better off without each other. If anything, we should be apologizing to you. You probably didn’t expect you’d have to deal with this bull at your age. You’re too old for this.” He laughs at the end before taking another shot.

In fact, I’m actually quite relieved that this happened when I am old enough to understand the situation better. If I was younger and knew nothing, I don’t know how I would have handled this sort of change in my life.

“Anyway, when am I going to have a drinking session with your boyfriend? I’m still waiting for that, you know? I can’t approve of him until I see how much of a man he is.” He nudges me on the shoulder while chuckling. He casually wipes his tears with his forearm before pouring himself some more alcohol. “Appa, Baekhyun doesn’t handle alcohol well. Just stop pushing it, it won’t happen.” I break the news to him. I have come prepared because I know it would come up eventually. “No no, that’s not what he said the last time I saw him. He just said next time. I am holding onto that next time until it happens, tell him that.” He insists without hesitation.

“Appa, how are you handling things financially? Do you want me to help you?” I ask out of concern and I get a shrug. “I’ll be fine, one of my buddies said he can use some help in the store he’s opening with his wife soon. He wants me to help them manage it. Don’t even worry, I only have a few more years until I can retire anyway.” He explains and it makes me sigh in relief. That’s really good to hear. It’s not really only about the money but I want him to still be busy, it will help to distract him. I don’t want him to be drinking all day every day. I watch him lay back on the couch with his eyes closed. “Okay, well—” I rub my neck. “If you’re just going to pass out on me, I’ll just leave then.” I stand up, taking my purse and the divorce papers along.

I wait for him to say anything or even better, stop me from leaving. He keeps still and quiet. “Okay, don’t drink too much, please? Not because you’re living alone now means you can drink however. Baekhyun and I are going to visit again next time so he can say hi to you when you’re bit more sober, at least.” I stare at him for a moment. His breathing eventually slows down in a steady rhythm and his grip on the empty shot glass loosens. He’s out, like a light. I grab the glass from him and set it down the coffee table before leaning down to give him a light kiss on the cheek. “I love you, Appa.” I whisper as I grab the fleecy blanket on the edge of the couch. I adjust his head in a more comfortable position before tucking him in with the blanket.

As quietly as I could, I leave the apartment. When I arrive out to the parking lot, Baekhyun is out leaning on his car. Our eyes meet right away and I approach him quickly. “How is he?” He asks with furrowed eyebrows.

Where to even begin? I did not come here expecting that kind of revelation from my father, that kind of emotion that I have never seen from him before. “It’s fine if you don’t want to give details, I totally respect it, okay?” I feel my boyfriend’s warm rub on my back. He turns around to open the car door for me. I lean against the opened door and look up to him. “It’s not that, it’s just—” I tug on the sides of his shirt as I blow air in my cheeks. “For the first time, I heard him say he loves Eomma. He said he still loves her but he just can’t forgive her. Baekhyun, there was never an affair. He just said that out of pride.”