PLAYLIST: “A Beautiful Mess,” Jason Mraz

BAEKHYUN

Brunch started well. I was actually quite pleased with the way my father greeted Dohee like they didn’t have any indirect feud last night. However, that short-lived serenity eventually ends when my mother begins asking Dohee more personal stuff. About where she lives, what do her parents do for a living, what degree she has. Her voice faltered for every answer she had to give. I could tell she was embarrassed to tell them that she still rents, that her parents own a vegetable stall in a market. The only thing she was okay telling them was about her degree in Business Management—although, my parents showed no interest in it whatsoever. I know because they changed the subject right away, not going further into it.

I can just see Dohee’s self-esteem get washed out every time my parents would give her indifferent nods. The way her eyes gaze at me as if telling me, ‘I’m boring and worthless, Baekhyun. Save me.’ But what am I supposed to do? If anything, I am more boring than her. And she’s definitely not worthless, not that she actually said that but I’m sure she would. The masked panic in her face, that only I could see, gets replaced by a stiffer smile when my father finally decides to speak for his own question. All this time, it’s my mother talking only. “So, have you two talked about marriage yet?” asks the old man.

I feel Dohee’s warm palm against my thigh, pressing my skin firmly, signaling for help again. “Not yet, Abeoji. We’ve … only started dating a couple of months ago.” I make up a story, mentally hoping I said the right thing. Dohee turns to me with a sweet smile. “Still, you’re already thirty-two, Dohee. Your body has a clock, you know what I mean. You’re running out of time.” My father argues with a hint of sarcasm in his tone. “Let’s say, you two dated for a couple of years, by the time you’re mentally prepared to give my son a child, it’s going to be too hard for you. What are you going to do about it?”

I see Dohee’s lips seal in a tight line as if suppressing herself from bursting.

I cannot believe we are having this conversation right now. It’s so rude for my father to even mention age, especially not to Dohee who already frets about it enough, every single day of her life. “Abeoji, you don’t have to worry about that. We don’t worry about it at all, it’s not an issue.” I assure him as I place my hand on top of Dohee’s under the table. “What do you mean it’s not an issue? A child is the foundation of a family. You two can’t just date forever like kids, especially at her age. She’s a ticking time bomb. It’s going to be a big problem if she can’t give you a child when she’s too old to handle it. What else can she be doing for you if she can’t even bear a child, right? You guys should start thinking about it soon then.” My father claims. Dohee looks down and I could see her lips quivering. I feel the blood boiling under my skin as I look back at my father with much intent.

Last night, it was me being put down and Dohee was there to back me up. But now that she’s the target, she seems to be more like herself. Afraid, anxious, uncertain. It kills me to see her like this, and to think that it’s my father making her feel like this. I look at my mother hoping to see some sympathy since she’s a woman. Unfortunately, I see nothing. She’s very submissive to my father with things like these. It’s like she agrees, almost. She’s been married to this arrogant ist; she’s probably been groomed to think the same about herself too.

I clear my throat. “Let’s not put pressure on her, please.” I request as politely as possible. “As I said, that is not something we feel the need to discuss just yet. We are focusing on getting to know each other more and just enjoying our time together.” I continue.

My father gives me a dissatisfied smirk. I don’t think I’m doing a good enough job protecting her. I don’t … know. I don’t know what to say. I am very disappointed with myself. I am not as gutsy at defending people as she is. I try to come up with better arguments but my mouth just simply closed shut. I feel so powerless. I’m letting my father hurt the woman I love and I don’t even know what to say. I simply just don’t argue, I don’t fight, I am not a talker. I hope Dohee doesn’t think I don’t care. I hope she doesn’t feel like I’m not trying hard enough.

I’m trying … so hard.

“We’ll … we’ll start discussing that, sir.” Dohee suddenly answers with a trembling voice. She smiles at them but I see her eyes sparkling with tears. I clench the table cloth in self-loathe. I’m not protecting by keeping my mouth shut. I need to say something. Baekhyun, please just try and … and just speak your mind. Please. She needs you. She needs to lean on you like how you did to her last night. I look up to my family, one by one.

I gulp a lump in my throat, letting my sight linger at my father the last. “I love her, okay? Now, I can’t just sit here and let you interrogate her like a criminal because she really matters to me and you don’t have to worry about anything.  I love her because she’s an amazing person, not because she can potentially give me a child. Love is the foundation of family, that’s it.” I look down to Dohee who now has her eyes only on me. “Whether we have a child of our own or not, adopt, get a pet, get plants or whatever we can surround our family with in the future … as long as we love each other, other things are just bonuses to me. I’m already so lucky just to have her with me. The only thing I will ever ask of her … is for her to keep loving me, that’s all I want.”

Then, I shoot my glare back at my father. “Now, being raised in such a high maintenance family like ours, I have no idea how I learned to be this grateful for simple things but I am happy I did anyway. I guess it’s just the way I am. I’m happy with myself, I’m happy with my job, I’m happy with where I live at the moment. I’m … happy with her. We are here to spend time together because we don’t always get to do this with our situation. Let’s not be too critical about one another. Abeoji, please?” I exhale heavily before standing up with my plate, and pulling Dohee along with me, not letting go of her hand.

That’s probably the longest sentence I’ve ever said to them, in history. Had to catch my breath right there. “Now, can we start with dessert because my girlfriend has been eyeing the tarts for the last ten minutes? I’ll go with her.” I politely announce before walking to the buffet with her.

When we arrive in front of the desserts table, Dohee lets go of my hand. “Yah—that was … that was sweet. I almost cried. You almost got me, it felt too real for a moment.” She muffle