Chapter 33 (Part 1)

Strawberries&Cigarettes
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Always taste like you

 

Joohyun liked everything in the schedule.

She liked things in order so she could do them one at a time.

But now, she had no idea what to do first. Hug the younger from behind because she looked so fragile right now or coax her to tell what was wrong.

Before she could consider doing both, Seulgi turned around.

"Can I take a shower first?" As if she never been here before. Joohyun restrained her from sighing and just nodded, afraid the huge lump on will grow even more.

Wendy, who was jolly to see her old friend, gleefully greeted the junior. "Hey, Seulgi! Long-time no see! I see you brought another bouquet for Joohyun!"

Seulgi weakly laughed making Joohyun wince.

"Nice to see you too, Seungwan unnie."

The younger swiftly passed by making Wendy furrow her brow in confusion. Slowly sensing the atmosphere by her best friend's frown, Wendy carefully closed the door, making sure Seulgi won't hear them and walked toward the distressed bunny.

"Did you two fight?"

"At least if we fought, I won't be this frustrated and confused." Joohyun sighed. "It feels like an endless circle. With her making me guess what was wrong and her not giving me any answers."

"Seulgi is sure bad at spilling." Wendy agreed quietly.

"I know she's trying." Joohyun slowly exhaled, trying to be calm. "But if this keeps on happening.. I don't know if I can handle it."

Wendy patted her best friend's back soothingly, not knowing what to say since she understood both of them. Maybe too much. "Talk to her." That was the only thing she could advise the frustrated girl. "Everything. But not too harshly."

"I can't promise you that," Joohyun grunted.

"You know you were much more worse in your junior days in high school." Wendy pointed out making Joohyun grimace. "But it was Seulgi who was patient with you. Every time."

Joohyun had to agree. Seulgi never got mad at her no matter how much she made the younger distressed. Even when the older girl thought she didn't love her.

"You're right." Joohyun guiltily said, fiddling with the hem of her pajamas. "I should talk to her."

Wendy gave her an encouraging nod. "You know you're going to regret if you ever ended this."

Joohyun nodded back. "I know."

 

Seulgi sleepily stood in front of the showerhead as warm water splashed her face.

She finally got rid of the ringing in her head, 'I'm never going to give up.'. And when she did, she felt guilt take over her again.

Joohyun's frown never seemed to fade but got deeper because of her distant, insecure behavior.

Unlike the older who was quite straightforward about her feelings, it was the perfect opposite for Seulgi.

She would always worry she might hurt the other because of her feelings, which seemed never right. She would always blame herself for feeling those trivial emotions and try to hide them but she never succeeded. The others knew eventually and sometimes even said they were sick of her acting like this.

One even said 'If you don't want to show them, the least you could do is to pretend you're perfectly okay.'.

Seulgi shut her eyes tight. There it is again. The voices in her head got louder and she slowly felt closing up.

'It's all your fault.'

'The least you could do is pretending.'

'I'm tired of this. No, I'm sick of being your friend.'

'I don't want to be your friend anymore.'

All those words were like spikes hammering her chest with such impact it made her choke everytime.

She thought she had overcome all that. When she left everything and everyone behind her and ran away. She realized she running away wasn't the answer, and with Joohyun and her friends by her side, she thought she could get better.

But apparently they came back. And Seulgi had no idea what to do.

Her self-esteem was on the bottom of the pit right now thanks to the ty treatment she got from part-time work and her grades going downhill.

It would be so easy if she talked all this to Joohyun but no, Seulgi hated taking risks.

What if Joohyun got more stressed out because of her? Seulgi didn't want to be left alone again.

She crouched down on the tiled floor, with warm water still hitting her back which now only stung.

She felt she was slowly at her limit, feeling so weak and vulnerable.

And the only thing she could do was pray with her eyes closed.

 

Please let me be okay.

 

 

As soon as Seulgi got out of the bathroom, rubbing the towel against her hair, Joohyun was waiting for her with her hairdryer.

"Can I-" Seulgi was about to ask if she could borrow it but Joohyun firmly shook her head. She wanted Seulgi to stop with her considerate, careful behavior. No matter how endearing it was.

"Sit." The older girl ordered and Seulgi hesitated but hurried to the chair in front of the dressing table after meeting Joohyun's stern eyes.

Joohyun the hairdryer and started to carefully dry her hair.

"Is the wind too hot?" The older asked and Seulgi wearily shook her head. "No.. But I feel sleepy."

Joohyun smiled a little. "Well, I'm not going to let you sleep so fast."

Seulgi could only nod groggily, trying hard not to fall asleep since she didn't want their last night before midterms to end like this.

"Seulgi," Joohyun called out softly, but enough for the younger to hear. "You know some people say that love is a game, right?"

Seulgi managed to open her eyes to look up. "Huh?"

"Like a guessing game. Since we can't know what the other is thinking, we always have to guess for the right answer."

"Okay." Seulgi nodded, but still having no idea what Joohyun was talking about. "Go on."

"I sometimes feel... distressed whenever I have to guess," Joohyun said truthfully. "Because I'm good at facts. But I'm terrible at guessing."

"Okay?"

"But you are too careful and considerate about everything." The older continued, switching off the hairdryer. "And I love you for that but.. I want you to be more honest especially with me."

Seulgi blinked, slowly understanding what Joohyun was trying to say. "Oh.."

"We often fought because of this," Joohyun said as she put her arms around the younger's shoulder. "And sometimes it feels like an endless circle."

"I'm sorr-" Joohyun clamped Seulgi's mouth when the younger was about to apologize.

"Don't apologize." The older said firmly. "Talk to me."

Joohyun dragged the younger into her bed and both of them laid down, facing each other. Seulgi's lips were twitching, trying to let out the truth.

What if Joohyun gets more stressed?

Seulgi sighed miserably in defeat.

“Tell me about you first." The younger suggested. "You know I'm not good at this."

Joohyun frowned. "What about me?"

"Tell me more about the hospital."

Joohyun seemed reluctant at first, but started to talk about how Suho convinced her to go with him to the hospital for the little girl who was diagnosed with leukemia, and how the little girl cherished her teddy bear since it was her only comfort she could rely on. Joohyun was nearly on the verge of tears.

"She told me she didn't want to make her parents sadder than they already are." The older mumbled. "Because it was her fault they were sad."

Seulgi was sure the little girl, Jiyoon, was going through a lot more than her. But the bear could understand how she felt.

"I was honestly wondering if medical school was right for me," Joohyun admitted. "Since it wasn't my dream in the first place. But today I realized I really wanted to be a doctor." She squeezed the younger's hand with a hint of desperation on her face. "I want to save kids like Jiyoon."

And if not for Suho, Joohyun wouldn't even have realized she wanted to be a doctor, Seulgi thought bitterly.

She wanted to tell Joohyun the whole truth and ask her to not be his friend anymore. Because he said so himself, he wanted more than a friend.

It will be only a matter of time before he confessed.

But hearing Joohyun's words made her regret asking.

How could she make her cut out the person who was an inspiration to her?

And Seulgi couldn't make herself blurt out what kind of feelings he had for Joohyun. She just couldn't.

Because what anyone feels is just as important and precious as hers.

She won't even dare taint it just because of her desperation,

Seulgi slowly turned around, facing her back on the older girl.

"Seulgi?"

"I'm tired." The younger mumbled. "Can I.. sleep now?"

"But-" Joohyun wanted to protest but the younger cut her off.

"I'll tell you tomorrow," Seulgi promised. "I just need time to think."

What Joohyun didn't know Seulgi wasn't tired at all.

She just didn't want the older girl to see her crying.

 

"Is she okay?" Wendy who was sitting beside the kitchen table, asked with her brow furrowed with concern. "Seulgi still seemed.. off."

"I have no idea." Joohyun weakly answered, closing the door behind her. "I wanted to ask but she said she was too tired."

Wendy thoughtfully rested her hand on her chin. "She's been acting like that after she met Suho and you?"

Joohyun sat down beside Wendy and imitated her posture. "Yeah.. Come to think of it, she seemed uncomfortable with Suho. And when I got back after with my call with Yongsun she seemed more insecure."

"Maybe Suho has got to do with this?" Wendy carefully said and Joohyun sighed.

"I think so too." She closed her eyes, already having headaches. "He sometimes flirts with me and I try to push him away but.."

"Still, he's your friend, right? And you like him as a friend."

Joohyun sighed as she thought about the volunteer work with Suho. "Yes.. I actually enjoyed hanging out with him."

"Seulgi would never want you to abandon Suho for her." Wendy softly said.

"I wish she could just.. let it out." Joohyun mumbled. "She acts all careful and.. acts like she's the one at fault even when she is the victim."

"Just because she's different doesn't mean that's wrong, Joohyun," Wendy advised. "Maybe she needs time. And your duty is to try to make her not feel insecure ever again."

"How could I do that without not being Suho's friend?" Joohyun blinked. "I should stop being Suho's friend."

"What? No!" Wendy objected, appalled by her friend's extreme behavior. That girl would surely jump off a cliff if it was for Seulgi. She was sure.

"He's the one who helped you find your dream! Hey," Wendy scratched her chin. "Maybe that's why Seulgi couldn't tell you."

Joohyun frowned in confusion. "What do you mean?"

"She didn't want to tell you about Suho because he helped you," Wendy said, now sure her theory was right.

"Then what should I do?" Joohyun said helplessly. "Should I tell her I have absolutely no feelings for him?"

"But that doesn't change the fact he has feeling for you," Wendy said and Joohyun huffed in annoyance. "Well, Miss-top-of-the-class, what's your answer?"

"My answer," Wendy dramatically held up her phone. "Is this." She dialed one number and instantly the phone started to ring until someone picked up just as fast. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

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MeloMera
I don't have a twitter account anymore but thankfully I saw a pleasant surprise today when I went back to my account for the last time :)
Thank you @dinniebur for liking this fic so much! I'm very happy&grateful that you enjoyed it :) your reactions about each chapter made my day haha

Comments

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hollyhunterey
#1
One of the best.. Thank you very much 💕
Kylie_123 #2
Rereading !!! Kasi gusto ko kiligin ulit 💗💗💗
Jensoo4everlove #3
Chapter 59: I LOVED THIS SO SO MUCH 😭❤ And thankyou so so much Author for taking out time to write such a masterpiece!!! I really appreciate it!! But why can't I see the sequel? 🥺
sjaelister
#4
I just want to ask if this is the original version because I read this but it's the Ryeji version on wattpad huhuhu.
AnneTokki 34 streak #5
Chapter 59: 💓💓💓💛💛💛🫶
Revemid12
#6
Reading this masterpiece for the third time, is my comfort fic, let’s goo!
Oct_13_wen_03 26 streak #7
Chapter 49: reread❤❤
serenedipitea
#8
Chapter 20: this chapter made me cry. the angst!!!
Seul_rene14 #9
Chapter 59: Am I the only one who won't get to read the sequel?🥺😭
gcpt21 #10
Chapter 49: This fic is so beautiful thank you so much author ily