Chapter 36 (Part 1)

Strawberries&Cigarettes
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Headlights on me (and even if I run away)

Racing to 60, I've been a fool (and give my heart a holiday)

 

Joohyun, who buried herself in the blanket, lying still on her bed, stared at her phone screen for a long time.

 

I think we need some time.

I don't want to stress you out anymore.

Let's talk when my CSAT is over.

I'm sorry.

-Seulgi

 

Should she be glad Seulgi didn't say they should break up?

But something else boiled inside her, that ached her every time whenever it became too much for her to handle.

She was mad at Seulgi.

She understood. But that didn't mean she wasn't at all upset.

Wendy, who was watching her as she leaned on the door, sighed.

"Joohyun," She said pleadingly. "You can't stay like this forever. It's summer vacation and we're finally back home but we have to go back after two months."

"I can't go out," Joohyun mumbled as she curled up her body into a ball. "What if I see her? I still haven't found the answer."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "So you're just going to stay in your bed until you found your answer?"

"That's exactly right."

"Why are you torturing yourself?" Wendy raised her voice. "Why do you need to find the answer right now?"

"Because this is the reality." Joohyun snapped. "Either I lose her or I give up what I want. It's cruel, Seungwan. It's too cruel."

Wendy took a deep breath and sat beside her bed, making the bed creak as she patted her friend's back.

"I'm tired, Seungwan." Joohyun mumbled. "I know it's hard for Seulgi but I am tired of her getting insecure and act as if she is ready to let me go."

"I know." Wendy coaxed. "I know, Joohyun. But you can't be all mad at her for that since she is going through all this alone."

“We see-" Joohyun grimaced. "We saw each other every weekend."

"Oh, and that's enough for you?"

"...No." Joohyun replied helplessly.

"You two have spent every day together and now it all changed," Wendy said softly.

"And you're millions of miles away. Don't you think it's normal for her to be agitated and desperate?"

Joohyun buried her face in the pillow, knowing Wendy was right.

"Her grades are falling, someone perfect has a crush on you, and she realized she might be an obstacle in your future." Wendy squeezed her shoulder. "She's only nineteen now, Joohyun. If you want this to work, I want you to be strong about this. Because I don't want to see my friend giving up something she knew she'll regret for the rest of her life."

Joohyun didn't answer but Wendy already knew what her best friend's answer was.

"And to do that, you have to stop torturing yourself," Wendy said quietly. "Let's live a little."

 

So Joohyun managed to survive her summer vacation without Seulgi in her life.

Joy and Wendy constantly visited her so she won't be stuck in her bed and Joohyun was thankful for them, of course. But she couldn't help but hope they would send a message about Seulgi.

Seulgi remained silent the whole summer vacation. Which made her more upset.

Of course, it was understandable since she went boarding school dormitory so there was almost zero chance of contacting any of her friends but still. Still.

Joohyun often spent hours staring at her phone or fidget with the ring she was hoping to give to the younger only to be left in the closet for months.

When she returned to Seoul after her summer vacation ended(and hoping for the last moment before she left to see the younger only to be vain), it got even worse without Wendy and Joy by her side.

Since things got more complicated with Suho, Yongsun was having a hard time and Joohyun felt too guilty to act as if nothing happened.

But thankfully, Yongsun weirdly approached her at the bathroom and gave her a friendly smile. "It's not your fault." She insisted. "You're having enough torture going through all this so the least I can do is stay by your side."

And that was Joohyun's first time to sob in the bathroom.

.

Even though there were only a few days left before the CSAT, Seulgi kept spacing out resulting in her reading the same phrase over and over again.

It had been four months since she had seen Joohyun Bae. They didn't even call each other on their second anniversary but Joohyun did text her.

 

Happy anniversary.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I love you.

-Joohyun

 

So Seulgi spent the entire evening staring at her phone screen until she finally managed to sleep.

She was too ashamed to text back so she remained silent but sent her a bouquet of purple hydrangeas at Joohyun's front door.

Seulgi put down her mechanical pencil and rubbed her temple. It was 10 pm but since the CSAT was very soon, she was still in school in the almost empty classroom, with Yerim yawning beside her.

She put her hand on her forehead and blinked her tired eyes, taking a short break since she couldn't concentrate.

And as soon as her brain decided to take a rest, a piece of memory flashed into her mind.

 

"Hello?"

"Hey, Seulgi!" A cheerful voice of a certain male made Seulgi flinch. "Suho?"

"I promised I will contact you, right?"

At their first meeting, when Joohyun was on the phone, Suho had asked for her number and having no ability to say no, Seulgi reluctantly gave him her number and prayed he will just forget about it.

But he apparently didn't.

"Yeah.." Seulgi weakly laughed. "What's up, Suho?"

"I was just wondering if Joohyun was having.. I don't know, the stage of ennui with her boyfriend."

Seulgi blinked. "The stage of... ennui?"

"Yeah," Suho said. "Joohyun looked so off these days and so.. exhausted. She never looked this exhausted even during the midterm because she always lit up like a Christmas tree whenever her boyfriend texted or called her."

Seulgi's 'Oh.' got stuck right in and she managed to struggle to say,

"..I see."

"You have any idea?" Suho asked hopefully.

"....I don't know." Seulgi said, feeling the urge to throw up. "I... I think they will be okay. Maybe it was just a little quarrel?"

But Suho disagreed. "I don't think so. She has been like that ever since she went home and came back after midterms."

"........So what are you going to do?" Seulgi could only helplessly ask.

"I was planning on confessing," Suho said a little shyly and Seulgi felt her whole world crumbling down. "Her current relationship is obviously toxic. It's killing her. She never looked more lifeless."

Toxic. Kill. Lifeless.

What kind of a girlfriend was she?

"Toxic," Seulgi repeated weakly. "And lifeless.. Huh."

"If her boyfriend loved her that much," Suho added. "He shouldn't have made her like that. And I became more certain that I could do better."

I shouldn't have made her like that.

Maybe he could do better.

Seulgi opened to argue but she realized she couldn't.

It was true Joohyun was suffering because of her.

But it was also true Seulgi loved her more than anyone. Even Suho.

Then her mind flashed back to the past.

She remembered how her friends turned their backs on her no matter how much she gave and cared about them.

They turned their backs, forgetting how caring she was to them and instead, left her because of her faults.

It didn't matter how much you gave.

No matter how much you love that someone and sacrifice everything for her.

When you become someone's obstacle or stress, that's it.

Maybe Joohyun would get tired of this and eventually leave her.

"Did she..." Seulgi swallowed. "Did she never look happy after she came back?"

His answer that came without hesitation made her paralyzed and she had to clamp with her other hand so she could restrain the moan that was struggling to be let out.

"Yes. She always looked so depressed."

Joohyun was depressed because of her.

All the memories she made Joohyun happy became a blur and the memories of how broken she looked when she was sick and insecure became ever so clear.

As she recalled all the moments she hurt Joohyun Bae, her heart slowly sank and Seulgi bit her lip hard and closed her eyes, and felt her tears sliding down her cheeks at the same time.

"Seulgi?" Suho called out. "Is everything okay?"

"Suho," Seulgi managed to croak. "Are you sure you can do better? Never make her...depressed again?"

"Yes." Another answer without hesitation pierced her heart but Seulgi was too numb to be upset. "Okay." She said softly. "Then I guess I have no right to stop you."

"You think she'll say yes?" Suho asked, suddenly sounding very nervous.

Seulgi could only force a small bitter chuckle. "That will be Joohyun's choice, Suho." She tried but her voice came out hoarse and watery.

"And I hope she will choose the person who could be her happiness."

 

Seulgi couldn't look at her books.

Her head was screaming only one fact.

Suho is going to confess to Joohyun.

Should she tell her?

That won't hurt, right?

Seulgi dialed Joohyun's number(each number in hesitation) and wondered what she should possibly say to the older.

Hey, you busy? Because Suho told me I'm making you miserable and thinks he can do better so he's going to confess to you very soon.

Wow. So messed up.

Seulgi was too dazed to notice Joohyun had picked up.

"Seulgi?"

"Huh? Oh, hey.. You okay there?"

"Fine. Just a little busy because of the test."

Seulgi frow

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MeloMera
I don't have a twitter account anymore but thankfully I saw a pleasant surprise today when I went back to my account for the last time :)
Thank you @dinniebur for liking this fic so much! I'm very happy&grateful that you enjoyed it :) your reactions about each chapter made my day haha

Comments

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hollyhunterey
#1
One of the best.. Thank you very much 💕
Kylie_123 #2
Rereading !!! Kasi gusto ko kiligin ulit 💗💗💗
Jensoo4everlove #3
Chapter 59: I LOVED THIS SO SO MUCH 😭❤ And thankyou so so much Author for taking out time to write such a masterpiece!!! I really appreciate it!! But why can't I see the sequel? 🥺
sjaelister
#4
I just want to ask if this is the original version because I read this but it's the Ryeji version on wattpad huhuhu.
AnneTokki 35 streak #5
Chapter 59: 💓💓💓💛💛💛🫶
Revemid12
#6
Reading this masterpiece for the third time, is my comfort fic, let’s goo!
Oct_13_wen_03 26 streak #7
Chapter 49: reread❤❤
serenedipitea
#8
Chapter 20: this chapter made me cry. the angst!!!
Seul_rene14 #9
Chapter 59: Am I the only one who won't get to read the sequel?🥺😭
gcpt21 #10
Chapter 49: This fic is so beautiful thank you so much author ily