Always hoping that things would change

But we went right back to your games.

Joohyun was afraid things might get more awkward between them after their kiss. 

Things got more complicated but more comfortable. Very ironic.

It was like they were dating but they weren't.

Joohyun didn't even tell her what she exactly felt, because she couldn't.

But she was sure Seulgi got the message, that she was much more than a friend to her.

So they hung out like nothing happened, except their tension got a little more.. tense.

Their three friends, aka. the pain trio in the , according to Joohyun, were glad they reconciled but couldn't help but gag whenever Joohyun brought home-made coffee for the bear(with lots of sugar of course) or Seulgi gave her vitamins or candies, always with a little cute letter.

"I'm happy for them. Really." Joy grumbled as she watched Joohyun chewing her vitamin with a smile on her face. "But sometimes I don't."

"Can't blame you." Wendy, who was beside her with a same expression on her face, agreed. 

She gasped silently when she saw Joohyun giggling like a nine year old girl as she read the another cheesy letter by the bear.

"I still can't believe they're not dating." Joy scoffed. "I want to bang their head together."

"You know why, Sooyoung." Wendy defended. "There's this problem with her parents and.. You know she's always been sensitive when it comes to love."

"We should have stopped her from reading those romance novels a long time ago."

"I know." Wendy sighed. "Look at the bright side. If they do date someday, I'm sure they'll even get married."

Joy rolled her eyes. "And I should be happy about that because..?"

"We'll get to be Joohyun's maid of honor."

Joy grinned., imagining herself in a white dress, holding a boquet of purple flowers. "I'll sure rock the hell out in that white dress."  

"So let's give them some time."

"I still find it dumb Joohyun thinks about love way ahead. Who even thinks about forever when we are living in the present?"

"It's Seulgi of all people." Wendy argued. "Seulgi is very important in Joohyun's life now and she has to risk losing her someday if they break up."

"Whatever." Joy eyed Wendy and smirked. "You both have a long way to go to become a true woman like me."

"Hey! Just because we don't actually have that many experience doesn't mean we're not women!"

"Nah. You're both teenage girls."

As Wendy grumbled in defeat as she pulled out her earphones, Joy glanced at the girl reading the letter again. 

She shook her head.

She had this feeling that something was going to happen.

And Joy being Joy, she was always sure she was right.

But now, for the first time, she wished she was wrong.

.

There were only three days left for the finals.

And Seulgi never felt more frustrated.

She was trying hard not to make all her hard work go to waste but it was so unfair the results never really matches your effort.

That's because everyone works hard these days, Joongi had said but still, life itself seemed like a competition and Seulgi personally hated it. It didn't match her life style.

And yet she was an clueless, non-independent, poor teeanger so she had no choice but to follow the world's rule for now.

She kept imagining what it would be like if she eventually attended the same college as Joohyun.

With her saved-up money, they would skip classes and always go for an adventure, not knowing where they will go, what they will see.

Now that matched her life style perfectly.

She stopped daydreaming and looked down at the black writing on the white paper. Just looking at it made her exhausted.

She sighed. Her daydream and fantasies seemed more unrealistic because of her sudden confession.

If she could turn back time, she would have done the same thing but still, she can't help but regret it sometimes.

She was starting to think maybe it was too selfish of her to confess.

She could have just hid her feelings and stayed by her side forever as her best friend.

But guess now it was too late.

Seulgi groaned and banged her head against the desk, causing an earthquake which made her pencil case fall down on the floor, throwing up her penciles and pens, including a tiny eraser.

And a small doodle of a bunny. Now that was enough to get rid of her concentration.

She decided to take a short break and stood up to stretch. But she ended up remembering their first kiss which happend only a week ago.

She still remembered how all the warmth in her body spread making her shiver as Joohyun wrapped her arms around her neck.

She still couldn't believe that a girl who looked more beautiful inches apart, kissed her.

It was everything Seulgi had imagined and she even wished for more.

She felt her heart thumping with excitement so she decided to get some pringles and water for her to calm down.

And she was quite surprised to find her mother in front of the computer.

Seulgi was about to greet her but she saw her mother holding a phone, indulged in a conversation.

So she quietly tiptoed toward the kitchen and triumphantly pulled out the red pringles jar and put one piece of snack in . was watering because of the salty snack but she was using her both hands to hold a glass of water and pringles jar, so she had no choice but to use only to savor it.

Tiptoeing back to her room, she was eager to enjoy her feast but stopped when her mother mentioned something she hadn't said for months.

"You know what happened between me and Joseph. Arranged marriage is a terrible idea."

Her mother didn't seem to notice her as she stared at the computer screen with an expression face. And Seulgi should have just left right that moment.

Because she heard more than she expected.

"I would've divorced him sooner if not for the kids."

That made her froze, her right foot hovering on the ground.

She turned but her mother was still focused on the computer screen, scrolling through some shopping site that will fill her empty life.

She managed to get to her room unnoticed and slumped on the floor after she closed the door.

She always guessed by her parents' endless fights they were bearing each other because of her and Joongi,

but after sealing her guess was right, it felt more painful.

She was on a cliff, suddenly pushed down and she was clawing the edge until her fingernails peeled off and bleed.

She was desperately trying not to fall down but she herself wasn't enough to get her back up.

The aching in her chest went up to and she felt the urge to cry. 

She never felt so alone.

She tightly shut her eyes and wrapped her arms around her legs, and tried to think of anything that could make her feel better.

Cherry blossoms. Strawberry shake. The park. Joohyun.

Joohyun.

She almost whimpered her name but she managed to restrain herself.

Deep down she knew she herself was the only one that could save herself.

Joohyun would of course lend her a shoulder anytime.

But Seulgi knew the older would break down if she started to lean onto her.

She didn't want her issues to be hers too.

Seulgi let out a deep sigh.

When will she ever not torture herself?

When will she be able to love herself and protect herself?

How could she ever do that?

Time passed but she was stil the middle school girl crying in the bathroom stall after reading her letter listing all of her wrongs.

Her parents didn't love each other. But she was born.

She was a mistake.

Her friends didn't want her in their life. Because she did many wrong.

Her existence was a mistake so she was always wrong.

The theory seemed so logical at that moment, she let it sink in, ready to make her drown.

She wanted to grab her phone and call Joohyun.

But she couldn't. She didn't know w