horikoshi no dame kyoushi

aizawanikka

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING : [14/20]

"[U]mika whispered while she shook her head in disbelieve.[...]" (Chp.1) It's disbelief, not disbelieve. Disbelieve is a verb and disbelief is a noun. 
I'm going to put this under grammar and spelling, but don't use Japanese terms if your whole story is in English. Yes it's great you can use Japanese words like, "Kiritsu", I understand what you mean, you know what it means, but anyone who doesn't know anything about Japanese does not know that "Kriritsu" means to stand, or how "rei" means to bow. 
Another thing to watch out for is that you are using Japanese sentences, while your characters are using ENglish words to converse. For example, "[H]ajimemae Taksugi desu,[...]" Throughout your story, you conveyed Mirai and Umika talking to each other in English, although I assume they are speaking Japanese. So when you randomly throw in Japanese sentences, realistically, it makes it seem like Mirai and Umika cannot understand Japanese. If you do need translation for that sentence it would be, "Hello, my name is Takasugi. Nice to meet all of you." 
You also do not need to write out desu. Desu is a sentence ender, think of it like a period in the English language. 
This is an extremely common mistake, I used to make this mistake when I was writing fanfictions about Japanese animes, but it's the clear difference between the Japanese first name and last name. In Asian cultures like Japan, the last name is typically said first, and then the first name. For example, (taken from the Japanese anime Bleach) , the main character his first name is Ichigo, and last name is Kurosaki. In the anime Bleach, you'll frequently hear him being called Kurosaki, and only if it's close friends or families you'll hear him called Ichigo. So in Chapter 2, when Yuto, Mirai and the others start to introduce themselves to the trio, they refer to Irie as his last name. This would be okay, but in your foreword, you have his name "Irie Sugizou" while you have other characters like "Nakajima Yuto", so from that I would assume that Irie is his first name, and not his last name. 
This feels like a Japanese lecture but there are a bunch of things to watch out for especially when you write about another culture that's not your own (this applies to a bunch of K-Pop stories too), which is the use of suffixes. In Japanese, there are different types of suffixes, -san, -kun, -chan, -sama, -dono, etc, and sometimes suffixes are dropped. Typically, the use of -san signifies that you are not close or if it is in a proper setting, so you could think of it as being called, "Ms. Jane Smith" in English culture. Adding suffixes like -kun, or -chan signifies closeness, or if you like the person typically. So when you had Umika refer to the trio with -kun at the end, typically it would be -san and not -kun. 
“[M]irai narrowed her eyes at Umika which made Umika blinked.[...]” (Chp. 2) Made is a causative verb, because they cause another action to happen. So instead of blinked, it should be blink. 
“[T]his whole being curious and all. It’s just a nature she has that she couldn’t stop.” (Chp. 2), the first sentence is an incomplete clause, so it would have to be combined with the second sentence with a comma. “This whole being curious and all, it’s just a nature that she can’t stop.” 
“[Don’t wonder around on your own.[...]” (Chp. 2) Wonder is to feel curiosity, to be in doubt or to have a feeling of admiration. Wander is to move around with no destination or purpose. I assume you meant wander instead of wonder. They do have completely different meanings. 
Generally speaking most of your grammatical errors consist of incomplete sentences. This is a common mistake for those who are not native English speakers. Incomplete sentence are typically dependent clauses or phrases. 

Plot : [16/20]

I watched the first couple of episodes of the drama to understand your story a bit better, but so far, the plot is quite confusing.
It’s also hard to give you points for originality since your story is technically not completely original. I know you are doing a spin-off story which is good, but it’s not completely original. I do however think that the plot is interesting considering it is a spin off the original “Scrap Teacher”

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT : [7/10]

I do think your characters develop too fast. Just after one day the trio is able to connect well with everyone at school does seem a tad unrealistic. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but they seemed buddy-buddy with everyone after just one day at the school. However, the way you are developing the characters is not too shabby. It just seems too fast-paced which makes it seem unrealistic. 

Other notes :
(These comments of course is just my personal opinion, and you do not have to change it if you are satisfied with it. These comments do not affect your score in any way, but they are my tips on how to make your story amazeballs.) 

This is something I’m recommending not just you, but everyone who is a here, is a website that ALL my English teachers have told me to reference if you need help, and it’s an extremely useful site: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/ This website has saved me from making so many gramatcial errors in my sentences and helped me fix my writing a lot.
Don’t give away your whole story in the Description/Foreword. If you give away the entire plot in the beginning, sometimes it makes a reader wonder, “why should I read this? I already know what’s going to happen.” So just be careful with that! Like you talked about how ____ warms up to ____ and then they fall in love. You should let your story do the talking and explaining, not your foreword. I want to read how their relationship develops and why they start to warm up to person. 
I think you should explain what “Scrap Teacher” is in the foreword instead of giving away the character’s story in the foreword. Not many people know what “Scrap Teacher” is. I mean, you know that this is a drama, and you probably know the whole plot of the drama like you know the back of your hand. But some of your readers might not know what “Scrap Teacher” is. Heck, I love the Japanese culture, I speak Japanese, but I’ve never heard of the drama “Scrap Teacher” until your story. 

OVERALL Rating :

I hope you understand that I am extremely critical on your story because you’re conveying a Japanese story. This is a part of my heritage, and I have also been studying Japanese for as long as I’ve been learning English through school. I also feel like I am harsh because the way you write your stories, is how I first started out writing fanfics on fanfiction.net, and it was NOT my best work. So I want to help you, because one day, you’ll look back on how you write with the the whole throwing in Japanese phrases & things like that, and you’ll want to cringe at sight of it. I also must thank you for introducing to me a new J-Drama :) I have not watched one since Hana Kimi, so it’s been a while lol. I do hope you can keep improving your writing, and like I’ve said to other authors before you, if you want I can do a follow-up review or actually do a complete edit of a chapter for you if you are still confused on some of the technical parts of English. 

FINAL SCORE: 
14 + 16 + 7 = 37/50 
74/100

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