Amaka-[ That Black Girl ]

blue_eyed_diamond

⇒TITLE- [3.5/5]

The title is unique in a sense. But then, you’ve used your main character’s name, so it was bound to be. You’ve also added That Black Girl in parentheses, which I believe is sensible because this could have been viewed as a racist remark if you had put that as the sole and main title. Then again, people can still view it as racist. But, if you’ve got no complaints about it so far, I think you can let it be.
It’s not original though, because you’ve used the name of your main.

 

⇒FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION- [8.5/15]

First of all, please click on Edit on your story’s front page and check the Disallow Text Selection box under the tab of More Privacy Options. This is here to prevent people from blatantly copying your story and leaving your story unprotected in this way is a big mistake. It can help in protecting your story against plagiarism. It did facilitate it for me to copy paste sentences I wanted to remark about, though.

I’ll give you a VERY detailed review of this part, because quite honestly, if people find the foreword/description unattractive or not to their liking at all, they are not going to give your story a chance at all.

Description:

1. The first sentence itself lacks commas.

‘Have you ever been with a guy with a dark side covering his cool guy facade who ties you to the bed with your wrist and ankle and eats you over and over again?’
Correction: ‘Have you ever been with a guy, with a dark side covering his cool façade, who ties you to the bed with your wrist and ankle and eats you over and over again?’

2. The image is wrongly placed. It should have either been before your words start or after. It hampers the reader.

3. There are more comma and other minor problems.

‘A guy who would keep you on an edge for hours without giving you the satisfaction you need when you offend him?

A guy who will provide all your needs yet will have you until you forget the right spellings of your name?  And what happens when you're forced to sign a  contract of 2 weeks with him? What will happen to you?’

Correction: ‘A guy who would keep you on edge for hours, without giving you the satisfaction you need, when you offend him?

A guy who will provide all your needs, yet will have you until you forget the right spellings of your name?  And what happens when you're forced to sign a  contract of 2 weeks with him? What will happen to you?’

4. From what I can remark on what you have written next, and on what you’ve previously written, you really need to work on your punctuation.
→ You’ve capitalized a letter in the middle of a sentence, which is wrong, unless it’s a name (whether of a person or a place).
→ This “.......” does not exist. However, this “…” does. It’s called an ellipsis and is useful when you're quoting material and you want to omit some words.
→ You’ve missed full stops at the end of sentences and it can be very confusing.
‘park chanyeol’ is wrong. The first letters should be capitalized and the correction is: ‘Park Chanyeol’.

5. While wanting to introduce your characters is absolutely okay, you might want to reduce the number of pictures you add, or at least, reduce the size of them. The pictures are so huge that you keep on scrolling. As a prospective reader, that would discourage me and I might either just close the tab, or skip to the first chapter, without reading the description/foreword at all.
There were some minor mistakes in the lines you wrote for each character as well, such as you didn’t conjugate the verbs, e.g. works or didn’t add the apostrophe, used to create possessive forms, e.g. Chanyeol’s. You should not forget the full stops either, despite this not being a proper paragraph.

6. ‘… Masochism." A catch-all term…’
I don’t quite understand what half of the quotation mark is doing there, to be honest.

7. ‘… believe me i have…’
Correction: ‘…believe me, I have…’
‘I’ is always capitalized, always. Otherwise, it’s an error.

8. Let’s check what you’ve written next.

→ ‘…DO, ▶he held her hair harshly in a ponytail ◀ I…’
This is really not advisable. I understand that you want to give your readers more material so that they can imagine the exact scene and setup, but, this can prove to be really annoying for the reader, who’ll find such notes interrupting him/her each time.
→ ‘…QUESTION.:  ARE…’
When using the colon, a full stop is not added before it. A full stop should be added at the end, regardless of whether it’s in between quotation marks.
→ ‘…ride me, Clench my and All. Over. It. You hear me?.’
Let’s see what is wrong with this. First of all, the first letter of a word should not be capitalized in the middle of a sentence, unless it’s that of a name or place, even if you want to lay emphasis on that word. If you capitalized the first letter to lay emphasis on it, why not try the italic font, or make it bold, or even underline it? ‘…Clench…’ and ‘…All…’ should be ‘…clench…’ and ‘…all…’
Secondly, the question mark is a punctuation mark and it is considered bad form to use a question mark in combination with other marks, although that is often done in informal prose in an attempt to convey complex tones. A full stop is not added after a question mark; the question mark will also suffice to end the sentence.
→ ‘…IN 30 MINUTES.. AND MIND  YOU,  DON'T LET ME  GET THERE  BEFORE YOU...’
As I’ve remarked earlier, this “..” does not exist, whereas “…” does exist. While I have no problem that you have used the ellipsis correctly after before you, it doesn’t quite fit over there. From what I can understand, Chanyeol appears to be in a rage and the correct punctuation would be an exclamation mark [!]. It would depict the demand and order in Chanyeol’s words.

9. To end my notes on the description, avoid changing font size so often or maybe, don’t make it so big. Another attractive trait in the foreword/description of story is the neat and consistent appearance. I understand you want to give out warnings, but you could have enlarged the font only slightly, and not so much.
You should move the warnings to the foreword section. Let’s face it. If people are at the description and are already reading so many warnings, won’t that discourage them or bore them?
Moreover, your description is just too long. A person would start getting bored and would just close the tab if they have to read so much before getting to the Foreword and to the Next button.
Try to shorten it a bit, or if you can’t, keep it in mind for your next story.

Foreword:

1. First of all, this way of showing conversation between two individuals is not attractive at all and it quite confusing as well.

2. Lack of proper punctuation, e.g. full stops, quotation marks, commas, capitalized letters, exclamation marks, can add to the confusion. Again, this “.......” does not exist. However, this “…” does.

→‘…touch me? She yelled back’
This really doesn’t make sense. If you are already using their names and colons to show who is currently speaking, there’s no need to add ‘She yelled back’ at the end and this is confusing as well.
→ ‘…chanyeol: (whispers) baek…’
It’s the same problem as mentioned above.
→ ‘{ he began moving towards her}’
I understand your need to let your readers know what’s currently happening, but this is definitely not the right way.

Below is the way I have written this small exchange. I’ve underlined what I felt you missed and the mistakes you’ve made in your own text, too.

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  “How dare you touch my ? You a ert, huh? Is that how you Asians behave?” yelled Amaka.

“Look woman, or whatever ^{[It’s one word, not two separate words]} you call yourself! I told you it was a mistake. I’m sorry, okay? Besides, this is not your living room, but a bar, and I wouldn’t have touched you if you did not bring up your big my way,” added Chanyeol, smirking at her expression.

“Chanyeol?” questioned Baekhyun in surprise.

“What? Did you just say I have a big ? ^{[Chanyeol didn’t call her a big , he said she had one]}You ing ert!” screeched Amaka in anger.

“What? You dare call me a ert? I already said I was sorry, woman, then why are you calling me a names? You’ve got no manners?” yelled Chanyeol back, while pacing back and forth.

Then, he turned to face her angrily and growled, “You know what? Thank your stars I’m in a good mood today, woman! Because if I weren’t, you can’t even imagine what I would do to you!”

“Yeol, it’s okay. You are drunk already. Let’s go back before you create a scene,” interrupted Baekhyun firmly.

Chanyeol shrugged him off, “Baek, please. Let me deal with this silly black woman. Miss! What did you just call me?”

“If you're not a ert, then what are you, huh, an asshole? How can you pretend to be drunk and touch me?” demanded the girl furiously.

“Yeol! Please, don't do this,” pleaded Baekhyun, conscious of the starts being aimed their way.

 “Baek, please get my jacket and wallet from the counter so that we can leave,” whispered Chanyeol to him.

“Why? You want to pounce on her?” retorted Baekhyun cheekily.

“No, Baek! Just do as I say!” replied Chanyeol shortly.

“Alright,” agreed Baekhyun reluctantly and he walked to the counter.

“Call me that one more time,” warned Chanyeol as he advanced threateningly towards Amaka.

“Go away with your friend, you ert! ^{[Abbreviations are wrong, this is NOT text]”} she yelled and a loud crash ensued.

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The text I’ve written expresses both their way of speaking and describes their actions as well.

⇒THE PLOTLINE- [10.5/20]

Judging by the foreword and description, you appear to have the foundation for a good story. It is up to you, however, how you develop the plot and write the story. Many attempt to write a story and most fail because they can’t develop the plot without copying someone. We want to avoid that.
You’ve provided too much already in your foreword/description and the reader can picture various parts of your story easily from that. If one already knows what you are going to write, what’s the point of subscribing and reading further?

The first chapter is usually to introduce the characters. It’s not a crime to introduce only one of them and introduce the others later. You wanted to introduce all of them at once and you rushed to the part where Chanyeol and Amaka first interact. I am reminded of Fifty Shades of Grey, as this is how Ana’s and Christian’s relationship began, with a kiss.
It doesn’t quite make sense that Chanyeol wanted to leave and then, he was suddenly kissing her. Perhaps you wanted to introduce the part, with Chanyeol forcing his kiss on her and Amaka hitting him. But, Chanyeol’s feelings, exactly what was going through him, e.g. arousal at being sassed and defied, should have preceded the kiss. Or even Amaka’s thoughts and feelings would have done.

The second chapter was quite improbable.
Kim Jongin and his wife don’t own that company, but yet they can assert that they have a job for Amaka?
Which company hires someone based on the reference of another person, even if they are friends, without checking the candidate’s qualifications? Certainly not a company who wants to survive and make a profit as well!
Amaka then says that this is her first. ‘First’, what? Job? If it is, then it’s even more foolish for that company to hire her.
And what is this ‘black woman’? It can be allowed as far as the title, but repeating it is not good at all. It’s very offensive. It sounds so racist and if your story had been on Wattpad or another site frequented by most of the world, it would have faced a lot of problems.
And it’s impossible for Chanyeol to put his arms in a fist.  
Constantly saying that she almost killed Chanyeol is a very big exaggeration.

I won’t comment about each chapter now; let’s talk about the whole story.

First of all, the start of your story bears a strong resemblance to fifty Shades of Grey; I’m referring to the kiss that they shared and while the kiss in FSOG made sense, this one didn’t and I explained that above.
And I noticed that a lot of parts are quite the same as well; like the way Christian used to call Ana, Miss Steele, Chanyeol calls Amaka, Miss Amaka or how Amaka was a , just like Ana had been before Christian deflowered her.
There are other similarities as well, but there’s no need for me to point them out because you know what they are.

You have tried to make it unique and I like that, but you take unique to an unrealistic level and that is not good at all. When writing a story, having the unique factor is very good, but it should also be mixed with the realistic factor. Before posting that chapter, you could have pondered about it a bit, like, does this really happen in real life? E.g. Is it possible for someone to get a job without granting an interview or presenting their qualifications?
Only after that you can have a real story, and I mean real in the ‘can happen in daily life’ context.

I would also advise you not to use Korean terms. You have made mistakes in those Korean terms as well. Either you research properly and type them well using the English alphabets, or you don’t use them at all.

The plot is not smooth at all and doesn’t make sense at some points. While you truly had a good and solid foundation, you did not make use of it well.

Perhaps if you revise the whole story and edit it, it would help you make your story an even more enjoyable one.

⇒THE FLOW OF THE STORY- [9/15]

Even from the first chapter, I could tell it was too fast. Amaka just landed in Korea, visited a bar in Korea for the first time and bumps into Chanyeol, who kisses her on the spot.
You could have circled around it a bit before making them interact. This can bore a reader because as it is, the plot is quite common in stories. As a reader, I can’t understand just how this can happen in the span of one day and it’s very confusing. It wasn’t a smooth read at all.

⇒CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT- [10/15]

You cramped all of them in the first chapter and they really weren’t properly introduced. Some don’t feel connected to a story if they can’t connect to the characters.

I would say that describing the physical aspects of a character, even if you have already provided images for him/her, helps a reader to understand them better and connect to them even more.

You contradict yourself at several spots with Amaka. At one point, she is the fiery girl who can slap Chanyeol and then, she is the obedient worker who is all ‘Yes sir!’ every time. This doesn’t have any logic and the diligent worker doesn’t apply because there’s a total 360^o change in her.

But anyway, you made a good effort with your characters.

⇒GRAMMAR, SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION- [10.5/20]

First chapter:
You have to use quotation marks. This is non-negotiable. It is almost impossible to understand who is currently talking and when they stop talking.
→ ’… she used her kneels to hit his shin…’ If ‘kneels’ was supposed to be ‘knees’, I don’t see how it could happen because this is physically impossible, unless Amaka is super short.
→ Pain is a collective noun, thus, we don’t add ‘s’ to it.

There were a lot of typos. The only way to correct those is to re-check/re-read your chapter after typing it. Another thing I noticed is that you are liberal with your use of the full stops.
At the risk of repeating myself, this “.......” does not exist, while this “…” does. Any variation, such as “..”/ “…..” doesn’t exist either. It’s either 1 dot or 3 dots. The multiple dots can simply be replaced by a comma, which will be grammatically correct and will also serve to split the sentence, which I think was your intention.

‘i’ is always capitalized, ‘I’. Not capitalizing it is a mistake. Not capitalizing the first letter of a word which follows a full stop is an error, too.

I was going to point out your mistakes again at the second chapter, but I decided against it when I noticed that they’re repetitive.

When writing, I’ll advise you not to it directly on the AFF chapter textbox, but on a Word document. MS words catches almost all wrong sentence structures, grammatical errors, punctuation mistakes and wrong verb tenses and that will be very helpful to you.

Sometimes, MS Word underlines a whole sentence if it can’t understand it and then, you can revise your sentence and correct it.

I will also tell you to do proper research if you are unsure about a word’s meaning. You’ve used words which don’t match the context at all and as I checked the meaning of ‘commandment’, I came upon this: ‘The Ten Commandments are listed twice in the Hebrew Bible, first at Exodus 20:1–17, and then at Deuteronomy 5:4–21. Both versions state that God inscribed them on two stone tablets, which he gave to Moses.’
I daresay the Bible (though I’m not Christian) mentions ?
There’s absolutely no shame in not knowing a word. I always walk with a dictionary. XD
I actually have an English dictionary app on my phone.

You also change point of views quite a lot. At one point, Chanyeol is referring to Amaka as ‘she’ and then in the same sentence, it suddenly changes to ‘you’.

If you are finding yourself short of time to edit your story properly, I would recommend you to add a beta reader. Nights Out has just added a beta reading section and if you visit our beta readers’ team, you might find someone who can help you.

⇒OVERALL ENJOYMENT- [5/10]

I have nothing against stories. But, your story lacks the spark that attracts a reader at first read. The way you present your story, and I don’t mean grammatical errors, is not attractive at all.
Your chapters are much jumbled. We can’t understand who is currently speaking, who is performing what action and what is currently happening.
I’m sorry to say that I might have not read on if this had not been for a review and I know that this might hurt, but in my opinion, you wouldn’t have had many readers if this had not been a / story. People on AFF love to read such stories and on AFF, they are safe from the judging eyes of others because here, they have another identity.
I hope you can take my suggestions and work on your story again, even if it’s completed. It’s actually good that it is completed because you can now edit without having the pressure of updating the next chapter.

⇒FINAL SCORE- [57/100]

Reviewer's notes:
To be honest, this was not the score that I expected to give you. But, it just…happened?
I’m really sorry if I sounded harsh in my review. I have tried to be very honest while not offending you. I really wanted my review to help you improve and make your story better.
I also apologise if I made mistakes in my review. I have had to do my fair share of research as well so as not to give you wrong information and I hope that I have been of some help to you.

Thank you for requesting from me and for being so patient. I’m sorry again that this review is so late. After my exams, I had too many social obligations that I wasn’t able to avoid. This is not an excuse, but the reason.

I wish you all the best for your stories and in life, as well. :)

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