till death do us part

chimchimyah

GRAMMAR AND SPELLING : [13.5/20]

There is this thing in grammar called “comma happy,” and you seem to be extremely comma happy. When you are comma happy, you use commas when you really don’t need commas. You can think of it like that Oprah Winfrey GIF of “you get a comma, you get a comma, everyone get’s a comma!” 
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/1/
“It is the most calming, soothing song anyone can listen to, its musicality is the most natural and relaxing, a baby could fall asleep like an adult alike.” 
you have three commas in this sentence and some of them are unnecessary. Also the sentence is worded weirdly. When you have sentences you think sound awkward, the best way to ever catch it is if you read it outloud to yourself. It really is helpful, and it also helps with catching grammatical errors. 
“It is the most calming as well as soothing song anyone can listen to. The musicality is most natural and relaxing, an adult could fall asleep like a baby.” 

“The hospital is bustling with sights, sounds.” 
You need to add a word like “and” in between sights and sounds (just like how I wrote it), so it would be, “The hospital is bustling with sights and sounds.” 

“Taehyung’s is cardiology. Alongside a fellow medical student Park Jimin.”
There are couple of things wrong with these two sentences. First of all, the apostrophe “Taehyung’s” is a possessive apostrophe. So how that works would be for example, “This is Taehyung’s ball.” This shows that the ball is the property of Taehyung. In the sentence you used the apostrophe incorrectly. Secondly, your second sentence is an incomplete sentence.
I would reword it as, “Taehyung is in the cardiology department, as well as a fellow medical student, Park Jimin.” 
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/620/1/
In your story you have a lot of sentence fragments, so you can refer to the link above to learn and fix your mistakes.

Whenever you state a title of a book, it should always be italicized. 
“Have you ever read Lee Hyeonseo’s biography? It is titled, The Girl With Seven Names.” 

You should always avoid starting your sentences with a conjunction, especially if English is not your first language. When you start of your sentence with a conjunction such as “and” or “but” you must make sure it is not an incomplete sentence, because that is the case with most people when you start a sentence with a conjunction. 
“Someone would say, Open your eyes, Taehyung, the boy he is dying. But there is no one to do that for him.” 
I can also see why you probably started the sentence with a conjunctions because like I mentioned earlier this sentence has too many unnecessary commas.
“Some would say, ‘Open your eyes Taehyung, the boy is dying,’ but there is no one to do that for him.” 

Please do double check your work so you can make sure you do not spell your characters names wrong.
“Jungkool goes on to complete high school education and college, moving on to university to major in astronomy.”

Plot : [15/20]

You scraped the surface of the angst. If you want to get deep into it, and make your readers actually feel something, you have to describe their friendship more, describe why they became close. You just showed that they were friends, then Jungkook died, and that’s it. When you scrape the surface, it does not set your story apart from any other stories where one of the main characters die. It just gets muddled up as an average story. 

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT : [7/10]

Your character development was okay. It wasn’t anything special. It was hard for me to get attach to the characters. I do think you could have gone a bit more in depth about their friendship in order to bring more of a personalization of the characters.
In the beginning, you also mentioned Jimin, but he had no role in the story. You should take him out of the story if he has no part of the story, except that he’s a member of BTS. 

Other notes
(These comments of course is just my personal opinion, and you do not have to change it if you are satisfied with it. These comments do not affect your score in any way, but they are my tips on how to make your story amazeballs.) 

This is something I’m recommending not just you, but everyone who is a here, is a website that ALL my English teachers have told me to reference if you need help, and it’s an extremely useful site: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/ This website has saved me from making so many gramatcial errors in my sentences and helped me fix my writing a lot.
Personally, I think most of your mistakes could be fixed if you double checked, triple checked and even quadruple checked your work. Also do read your story out loud to yourself because you have a ton of awkward sentences in your story. 

OVERALL Rating :

Your story was not bad, but personally, I did not feel sadness when I finished reading your first chapter. I think you were trying to evoke sadness, and angst within your readers, but I did not feel anything. Writing a sad story is hard, but I do think you can improve yourself, because you can always grow as a writer. 

FINAL SCORE: 
13.5 + 15 + 7 =35.5
35.5/50 
71/100

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