unspoken words

kjdzyx

Title: 4/5

After reading the whole story, I can say that the title is fit and suitable for the story, and it is very well related at the same time. It also has an angst-y feeling in it that makes me really attracted to know what exactly lay behind the title and if it could be as promising as it looks to be, and it doesn’t disappoint me. There are plenty of stories out here entitled the same as yours, but it doesn’t mean that the title is lacking in originality because I’m pretty sure the title was developed after writing, so even if it was to be considered cliché, it would still be able to appeal to readers to read, after all the pairing was quite famous which would be a bonus in addition to what the story has to give itself.

Description/Foreword: 8/10

When I first read the description, I don’t actually feel that much invited to proceed, but they say don’t judge a book by its cover, so I try not to judge the one-shot by the description. However, the description was also much fitted to the genre of the story, and even when I don’t feel anything special, the last line somehow managed to catch my attention. And since this one-shot is entering writing contests, I was thinking that you might want to make it rather flawless therefore I’d like to point out the fragments found in the description.

The underlined words below are marked as an incomplete thought which could be corrected by adding a subject or a verb or combining the text with another sentence.

Original: There are all kinds of dreams.

The worst kind? The kind that is sweet and lovely but leaves you empty and sorrowful once you wake up.

The exact kind that Baekhyun is stuck in.

Suggestion: There are all kinds of dreams.

Do you know what the worst kind is? It’s the kind that is sweet and lovely but leaves you empty and sorrowful once you wake up; the exact kind that Baekhyun is stuck in.

Plot(s): 26/30

It isn’t exactly uncommon or rare to find such kind of plots, but it’s the reality of life which I can pretty much assume happened to most of us, not bearing enough courage to do what we wanted to do and say what we wanted to say so the amount of regrets and pain were unbearable which makes the story really meaningful and sad at the same time. To put it simple, the plots could be an upgraded version from a classic romance love story that occurred in daily lives, hence why most of the readers could feel a special connection with Baekhyun. I especially like it how you can make one paragraph seems so normal but ended with one bombastic line that can turn everything upside down such as this example here:

"You already know about this, don't you?"

Baekhyun tasted the saltiness on his lips as he drew in a deep breath.

He didn't.

Notice how I bolded the last line? That was where the highlighted parts that could stir mixed up feelings in a reader itself lay and I really have to kudos you for that. Another thing that I need to mention here is the plot twist where I really thought that Chanyeol actually gave Baekhyun the bouquet but turned out it was only a dream and another one of when in the present they almost live happily ever after but that wasn’t real as well. Another angst-y feels strike, and that was simply amazing in my opinion.

Grammar/Spelling: 26/30

I don’t find any spelling mistakes except for this one:

Their eyes met, and in that second, timed stopped.

I don’t actually know either it was intended or not, since it is also accepted by Words, but I think you were trying to type ‘time’ instead of ‘timed’ because it doesn’t really fit well in the sentence.

As for your grammar, I don’t find any major mistakes only that there are too many fragments in it. You might want to revise or proof-read and edit the chapter. Before publishing a chapter, I suggest you to save it or write it using Words first because it will be useful to avoid incomplete sentences, spelling mistakes or overly bad cringe-worthy grammar. While I’m still at it, let’s just go through a quick inspection.

→Fragment:

Original: "Why not?" Jongdae grabbed Baekhyun's wrist and slammed it onto the table, making the older wince. "Look, he is going abroad in a month and you, of all people, should know what that means. You do not have time for hesitation anymore."

Suggestion: “Why can’t you do it?” or “Why can you not?” or maybe even “Why, not?”

Original: But not Seattle. Not even once.

Suggestion: But he hasn’t gone to Seattle. Not even once.

→Reflexive Pronoun Use: (Use pronouns ending in "self" in conjunction with a noun, as in "Andrew himself" or when the pronoun refers back to the subject, as in "I hit myself." Use "own" in conjunction with a pronoun only when referring back to the subject.) [Cr: Word Help]

Original: Out of partying nature, Luhan and Sehun disappeared into the sea of tipsy silhouettes in a matter of seconds. The rest of them roamed about the venue, and gradually went off to have their own fun. Baekhyun made himself comfortable sitting down on a chair in one of the darker corners. It made him feel secure to be out of other people's ways, and he kind of liked watching events occur from afar. His body swayed with the rhythm of the music naturally, and he started to feel relaxed.

Suggestion: …Baekhyun made his own self comfortable…

→Comma Use: (If you are using a conjunction to connect only two items, it is incorrect to use a comma before the conjunction so you can just take the comma out.)

Original: As soon as their eyes met, Chanyeol smiled wider, but instead of showing his usual toothy grin, he appeared shy when he did so. His gaze soft and gentle, and his expression was something Baekhyun didn't know how to interpret.

Suggestion: …His gaze soft and gentle and his expression…

→Comma Use: (Because the marked comma is separating two complete but related sentences, replace the comma with a semicolon.)

Original: He started to think about all those great yet tragic love stories he had heard and read about before, allowing his mind to stray a bit further from Chanyeol for a while. There were always separations, silences, regrets, and the ultimate feel of powerlessness. Any way may he view the stories, it was evident that the cruelty of fate won all the battles against what lovers sought. Perhaps that was why people found tragedies intriguing, because they conveyed the darker and more painful aspect of human life.

Suggestion: He started to think about all those great yet tragic love stories he had heard and read about before, allowing his mind to stray a bit further from Chanyeol for a while. There were always separations, silences, regrets, and the ultimate feel of powerlessness. Any way may he view the stories; it was evident that the cruelty of fate won all the battles against what lovers sought. Perhaps that was why people found tragedies intriguing, because they conveyed the darker and more painful aspect of human life.

→Capitalization:

Original: "Fine." Luhan agreed, "but the rest of you stay here lest it should be a trick."

Suggestion: “Fine.” Luhan agreed, “But the rest of you stay here lest it should be a trick.”

The rest of them were mostly repetitive mistakes, and as seen of your wide range of vocabulary and a solid grasp of great grammar, they should probably be caused by carelessness. Don’t forget about the fragments (mostly) and the usage of ‘yourself’ and ‘your own self’, ‘himself’ and ‘his own self’, and ‘themselves’ and ‘their own selves’. And just a quick reminder here, I am not a grammar master, and I am not very good in explaining things but I can assure you that the suggestions are all mine.

Another advice here before we close this section is that I would highly recommend you to justify the paragraphs in order to make them neater to read, and I also don’t think that too much spaces are needed after one paragraph to go after the other one and lastly, I guess you made the poster by yourself and it’s really nice, but to be frankly honest, it doesn’t exactly look angst-y because of the pictures and colour chosen. You might want to use darker colours, and as for the pictures, the outlines are mostly used in light or happy-themed poster, and to make the readers get into the mood, I think a picture that doesn’t have happy Baekhyun or Chanyeol would suffice. They are just suggestions and note that you can choose not to take/use them or not.

Characterization: 14/15

In fairness, I can see how the characters develop through every paragraph, and how Baekhyun’s feeling grew for Chanyeol but finally couldn’t muster up the strength to say the magic words of love really touched me. Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol characters are easy to understand, and are also made believable. You have a way of putting the two of them into life, making me think that the traits really do exist, which in fact, do exist but to merge them into fictional characters are just so surreal. One thing that I don’t really get was Jongdae’s personality, because at one point he seems to really be supporting Baekhyun as a friend, but at some other times, it feels like he was just trying to push Baekhyun to admit his feeling towards Chanyeol. But all in all, I think it’s because he actually wanted to help and protect his friend, Baekhyun, so that’s actually comprehensible.

Flow: 4/5

The flow of the story was very organized. You put different dates and different times which helped more for the readers in not getting confused, and since it’s a one-shot, it isn’t necessary for the story to be fast paced, and as for yours, I think that it’s moving in the right speed, not that slow and not that quick either, but just at the average.

Enjoyment: 5/5

Even by only reading the readers’ comment, I can tell that they had fun reading, just the same way as I did. The story was very beautiful, and I actually was hoping that there would be a sequel where Baekhyun finally had the guts to confess, but then again it wouldn’t be angst anymore and that’s even more frustrating. I bet the readers can relate and understand how Baekhyun was feeling because I did, and unspoken words are just inevitable and that’s why it hurts even more. It’s a one-shot that’s worth reading, and if I am not to use grading, I’ll give you four point five stars out of five after considering everything.

Final Score: 87/100

Reviewer’s Note: I was a bit late in finishing this review so I apologize for the inconvenience. I also would like to say sorry beforehand if I offend your or make any mistakes during reviewing, I am just another normal human who’s perfectly imperfect and good luck! I hope you’ll win at least one of the writing contests because I truly think that you deserve it. I sincerely hope the story will get more recognition in the future. Thank you for choosing me as your reviewer and for requesting, I hope to see you in the shop again!

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