DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS     

 

(The Submissive's Desires)

 

              == REVIEW  ==            

 

Reviewer: EXOtic_Sunshine 

 

 

 

 

AUTHOR : chariseuma 

 

 

TITLE : ☆☆☆☆☆ [5/5]

• The title was very apt and it suited your story very much. It’s also intriguing
  and one would want to know just what the secret is. So, good job! :)

 

 

 

FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION : [12/15]

• The description is a bit… unsuitable, to be honest. It should have been a bit more refined.
  I noticed it’s actually an extract from the story. Perhaps you could have just written a bit of
  Mark and Iseul’s background in the description and you could have hinted at what was
  going to happen in the story. The words you’ve used are too blunt and let us know under
  what circumstance they’ll do the deed. This could have actually made you lose a number
  of potential subscribers (highly possible in cases where the story has been recommended
  by their friends), because they already have an idea of what is going to happen. As far as
  the foreword is concerned, it’s very good. You provided the readers with a teaser and I
  must admit, I felt that shiver of anticipation when I read that part.

 

 

 

 

PLOTLINE : [11/15]

 

• The layout you used is very pretty. :) The plot was certainly unique in a way since we don’t
  have much stories, with the leads being best friends. That’s where I think you messed up
  a bit. You clearly said they were best friends. You should have emphasised more on their
  feelings towards each other. Also, despite this being a forbidden act between
  best friends, provided they already have their girlfriend/boyfriend, this should have had more
  emotions involved. While I was reading, I couldn’t help but feel that it looked so cold. It felt…
  mechanical and as if they were following a written script. The seduction stage was too brief.
  It focused a bit too much on the blow-job as compared to the moment they had . During
  the act, Iseul was comparing Mark to Jackson every time; it would have been better if you
  concentrated more on Mark and Iseul at that moment, because they’re the ones currently
  having , and then add the comparison part in the aftermath.

 

 

 

 

 

FLOW OF THE STORY : [19/20]

• Your story was very well paced. The start was a bit confusing, but the reader can catch up
  soon enough. You captured every moment and nobody reading this can say they didn’t understand it.

 

 

 

 

CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT : [19/20]

 

• All in all, you did a good job there. While comparing Mark’s neat freak personality to the untidiness
  of the others, you also introduced their friends. Though, I feel that Jackson and Hyunju should have
  had more written about them, instead of just focusing on their bed habits. Iseul and Mark’s personalities
  were well-described. You didn’t go overboard – nothing non-related, like their favourite colours or something! 

 

'

 

 

GRAMMA AND SPELLING : [12/15]

 

• This is something you have to work on. Most readers (I fall under this category) won’t want to
  read a story which has grammar and spelling mistakes. You have missed words in several places.
  While I could understand and even guess the word you missed, most couldn’t and wouldn’t.
  Also, in several places, you have not conjugated your verbs properly. You switch between the
  present tense and the past tense. You should decide whether you want to write in the past tense,
  or in the present tense, because this can prove to be confusing for the reader. You should also use
  the comma more. I noticed a few spots where the sentence should have been paused with a comma.

 

 

 

 

 

OVERALL ENJOYMENT : ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ [8/10]

 

• In summary, it’s a good story. You paced it well and the characters were well described too.
  But, being the picky reader I am, grammar mistakes irritate me a lot. I’ve read a lot of stories on AFF
  and I’ve read adult books as well. Based on them, I can say that you should have been less blunt when
  describing the oral and ual . Focusing more on their feelings and enjoyment would have
  been better than describing what was happening to their private parts, in my opinion. 

 

 

 

 

FINAL SCORE :         86/100

 

 

 

 

 

 

REMINDER:

 

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Please do put up this banner or if not, please do put a link
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Thank you!

 

~ EXOtic_Sunshine