APhRodite wanted

blacksmile

Story title- 4/5

“Aphrodite Wanted”- On my first look, I thought this was pretty interesting for a title. Aphrodite is the Goddess of love, so my first thought when I saw this was that it definitely had something to do with mythology. It’s definitely not a common title, and I enjoy it personally, so congratulations! However, when I read on, it is hard to tell how the title links to your story. Aphrodite WANTED… Is Kris desperate for an Aphrodite? If not, why is an Aphrodite actually wanted? I don’t understand this, so it is a 4 out of 5. Aphrodite Wanted is a good title in itself, but the lack of coherence to your fic makes it a little strange. 

Description and Forward/Graphics- 3/5

Description: "Chanyeol's mom will beat him and his brother if they play outside. She will yell at Chanyeol if he smiles at Mr. Tan, their neighbour-next-door. Mrs Park will lock her sons in their room if someone drops by at their house as well. Chanyeol never understands why his mother does all of this until his brother returned home one day with his clothes torn, lips bleeding and cheeks wet with tears."

Your description is actually not my favourite. On first glance, I feel like it is pretty awkward. The way you put your message across is simple, clear, but I feel like you can add a little more of suspense inside. 

For example, a better way to display Mrs. Park’s protectiveness/harsh treatment of the young kids would be: 

The Park siblings’ mom is a strict person. 

They get beaten when they play outside. They get yelled at when they smile at Mr. Tan, their neighbour-next-door. They get locked in their room when people drop by. 

Some claimed that she was mental. Chanyeol thought so too. After all, he never understood why his mother would do that to her own flesh and blood. 

At least, he never understood why, until the day his brother returned with his clothes torn, lips bleeding, and cheeks wet with tears. 

Foreward: This was pretty well written, because I like how you gave us a small excerpt of the brothers’ relationship and how you sort of presented this bleak image of their lives. It also makes the readers pretty curious as to why they’re actually crying, and want to read on:) 

Graphics: I love that poster. Enough said. 

Conclusion: I liked the layout of everything, and your front pages seems pretty solid, so good job! It’s just the forward that could have been improved on, in my opinion. However, you might want to write more about Kris, instead of about Chanyeol’s mother, since the story is kind of about Kris, and Chanyeol’s mother is more of a memory than an actual character in the fic. 

Characterisation: 17/20

I actually really enjoy reading about Jongin’s drama king/diva side. He seems really playful with Kris and it’s a lighthearted read in the otherwise quite angsty/dark fic of yours. Chanyeol’s background was portrayed well, and Yixing seemed to be a pretty amazing brother:) Characterisation was handled really well, a huge thumbs up for that! It’s something that many authors struggle with, and you managed to pull it off quite flawlessly. (Side note, Satansoo is so cute)

Grammar- 8/15

A little iffy… I think as far as the grammar goes you need to improve a little bit more… For example, "Chanyeol seems so relax" should have been "Chanyeol seems so relaxed". “One of his races” should have been “one of his race”. A few typos here and there (“Winch” to “Wince”) Mistakes like this could be a little jarring, but as you said, English is not your first language so it’s okay. I would advice you to get a Beta though, and minimise the mistakes, because save for the grammar, your writing is actually pretty good:)

Plot- 19/25

I’ll be honest, the part where Chanyeol asked for marshmallows made my heart melt :3 But to be very honest, I don’t see a very distinct plot line. What is going to happen next? Is the relationship between the couples all there is to this story? Is there any more main goal, main challenge that the couples have to go through? It is hard to tell, and this may make some impatient readers go away before they get to the end. If there is a bigger obstacle to challenge our characters, then it has to come sooner. If there isn’t and the relationships are all there is, then you need to make the relationships more gripping, more exciting, to the readers, and maybe spice them up with a little more drama. Your details are handled well, though. I like the details, and the gradual shifts in the point of views. 

Flow- 9/15

I like the flow. It’s handled well. The text is an easy read and it is not that hard to follow. I feel like I’m watching a movie with how the story plays out, mysterious yet enticing. Good job!:) Sadly, you don’t have enough of the story to let me really judge on the complete flow so I’m going to leave my comments here. 

Writing Style (originality/author's voice)- 10/15

I enjoyed the style. It’s simple, and towards the back, you really made me pretty interested especially after Jongin kept appearing at the cafe! I could see the improvements you made on your grammar as the story progressed, and it started to get smoother towards the end. It’s very original, and your idea of using mythology and the different races were pretty cool!:) Hope to see more from you, hwaiting! 

Total: 70/100

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