behind closed eyes

GreenGardenPop

TITLE & SUMMARY:

I really like the title you’ve decided on - it fits well with the setting of the story, has a mysterious feel and I like that. On the contrary, the description is kind of a lackluster for me – “Dreaming was her way to escape from reality” is a great last sentence but the sentences before it didn’t spark my interest that much. I think you should think of a better summary. (I don’t want to interfere with it, but the line “You are your destiny” really caught my attention in one of the chapters. It’s great for summary I think.) If you don’t want to change it’s fine because after all they fit with the storyline and don’t mislead readers. 8/10

PLOT:

Five chapters aren’t that much to see what the story is about and decide how it goes but form what I’ve read I can say you do a good job of building the plot. It is building slowly (as I will talk about a few sections below) but as the genre of the story is angst, detailed description of emotions, actions and atmosphere is needed, if not required. I’m curious of how the story will develop in the future, what you plan to do with it… Also I hope she will meet Jongdae for real because damn, I want real interactions! Five chapters without him has been a torture enough, please, don’t dance on our nerves anymore. :) 10/10

CHARACTERS:

Jiyeon’s character is sure complicated. She seems soft and timid from outside but reading her emotions and reactions, what she feels inside, she often looks opposite of her “image” to me. I like this contrast but at the same time I’m conflicted by it – these two sides of her don’t always go well together, there were times during reading I was frowning in confusion over her thoughts (constantly calling some women b*tches, for example). Also it’s hard for me to understand why she is so caught on graduating from a prestigious university but not having a job. Sure she was teased a lot as young and the people surrounding her often do the same even now that she’s an adult so her feeling insecure is understood but her level of agony doesn’t feel grounded for me. (And I’m saying this as a person suffering from bullying during elementary and high school too.) But I believe this feeling of dissatisfaction can partly blamed on that the story is at its beginning stages… About the side characters – Jiyeon’s mom is an angel; I loved reading her care for her daughter. For now I can’t understand Jiyeon’s father but he does well as a strict father figure. And Jongdae… I’ll be honest; it’s hard for me to imagine him as a devout Christian but it’s your story, you describe him the way you want. His personality seems really caring and smart. I hope he won’t change when they meet. 7/10

CHEMISTRY:

From what little I’ve read about Jiyeon and Jongdae together, I see the sparks… not romantically yet (we’re at five chapters after all) but I can see their friendship is genuine. I especially like Jiyeon’s trust in him and admiration for him. Jongdae’s approach is also something to take note of. The proposal scene in the beginning moved me a lot, I’m anticipating a lot from the two of them being together. 10/10

FLOW & GRAMMAR:

Before you would think I like deducting points and/or can’t be entirely happy over anything, now let me tell you that your writing style blew me away. I’m fond of unique writing styles, especially when it comes to description and usage and you nail both. Let me shower you with a few examples of my favorites:

„…savored his embrace”
„An intense feeling of bliss blanketed her.”
„Jieun dressed her words in a joking tone…”

I’m delighted you don’t overuse words and always pay attention to express what you want well in words. It shows you care about this story a lot and I don’t know about your thinking but you seem pretty serious about it too, to me. Are you planning to be a writer perhaps? If you continue like this, I’d be happy to witness of the publishing of your book. ^^

There a few mistakes here in there as in grammatically and your flow isn’t perfect (since the chapters are so continuous, it makes it feel like the story is dragging) but they’re so little they can’t change the fact I enjoyed your writing a lot. 10/10

Altogether:
45/50

CONCLUSION:

I’d revise the summary. I would also like to say, be careful with Jiyeon’s inner struggle and balance of moods.

Hope this review helps you instead of discouraging you. Please, pay attention, my intention is not the second. Facing “mistakes” is hard but is needed to improve and become better. (Also don’t forget, I’m just a fish in the pond.)

Fighting!

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