my boss and my husband

blue_eyed_diamond

Title - 2/5

To be brutally honest, the title is too cliché and common and not exactly eye-catching. When searching for such kind of title here in AFF, you’ll find tons with only one letter changed. I do understand how hard it is to create or find a title that could attract people in a split second, giving off a bombastic description at the same time as a bonus, so if you ever thought of re-doing the title, perhaps you can use one of these two elements to help.
 

→01. One word title that could describe the story entirely.
How do you name a story with the main character (which is usually the girl) that already lost hopes in life and tried committing suicide until the knight (or the guy) appears? Suicidal. So you want to make it a two words, okay, then it could be Suicidal Love.
 

What do you call a story about the main forced to marry a tycoon under very desperate circumstances? Trapped. Want to make it more than one word? Sure, it could be Trapped Inside the Tycoon’s Life or Trapped Inside A Little Something Called Love.
→02. A title that includes one of the characters’ name. It could be two or more, it depends.
 

Such as;
The Married Life of Jun Sora, I’m Married to My Boss, My Husband is the Boss and etc.
 

Just a reminder though, they aren’t very uncommon titles yet they could be somewhat the upgraded version of your current title.
 

I hope that could help you in terms of titling a story. It isn’t exactly necessary to change, but that’s what I’m suggesting since your story is already completed. We wouldn’t want it to be forgotten, am I right? Besides, My Boss And My Husband almost seems like there are two different characters for Sora, the boss and the husband so readers could be like ‘Is it a love affair?’ or something like that.

 
Description/Foreword - 5/10

Let’s take a look at some of these parts for the description first, shall we?
 

A story about a girl named Sora. Stop here. It’s a bad start and why did I say so? Here’s why. So, you want people to read your story, okay, you now have almost 50% in that area since the story itself is subscribers-only, but, to make even more and more people to be interested in reading it wouldn’t even reach 5%, and again, why?
 

Tell me, what’s a good story? Is it the one with a very attractive title or very special plots? In AFF’s case, we mostly go for the popular characters; we look at the title and judge by the description. Say, you have some really well-known characters, you have a great title, but when you move to the description, it makes you cringe and got turned off to read. Yes, that’s just how cruel the world is and it’s that kind of feeling that I get when I’m reading yours.

She was poor and has faced all the tough sides of life but things changed when she walked into Wu Corporation. I can say the same for this one as well. The cliché plots are visible here where people can easily jump into conclusions that the main will for sure got into a situation where she will soon have no choice but to marry the male character in which will be incredibly rich and he got all the money in the world, and young, and tall, and handsome.

Lastly;
Let’s find out what happened to her. Okay, there’s nothing wrong in inviting people to read more by giving hints with a little spice of mystery, but let’s go for something else. And below is what I have prepared for you and it’s optional to be used.
 
The story revolves around the poor life of Jun Sora, she went through obstacles and walked on a long road without a stop while facing all kind of hard situations in order to survive. She needs to change, she have to do something, and that’s how her new journey begin by stepping into the world of Wu Corporation. After meeting her new boss, Kris, things turned upside down. Could it be that it’s finally the chance she has been waiting for a better life or will everything turns out to too good to be true?
 
Now, stepping into the next phase, we shall talk about the characters’ description. I presume that there are three main characters in your story which would be the OC or Jun Sora, Kris and Jongin. You did describe Sora’s and Kris’s character more or less, and changed the style of describing when it comes to Jongin and this is where the readers would get confused.
 

But first, let me focus on these.
‘...but someone caught his eyes and heart........his new assistant.......’
 

And;
‘...her life changed when she met her boss........’
There are like 7 or 8 dots there. It’s making the sentence looks a bit off so I suggest replacing it with a single dot or coma. Not exactly suggesting, but is it too much if I hope you’ll change it?
 

And moving on to the paragraph after Sora’s character description, I suggest for you to just unite the entire sentence together. That’s Kris’s line, am I right? So here, I think you should put different kind of description for each character.
After the first and main description, you can put Sora’s character description afterwards. Then, put the ‘After all the obstacles of life...’ or more specifically Kris’s description, you can write his character’s traits next.
 

Now, let’s see about the foreword. Here, I think you should move the crediting, the warning and the disclaiming or basically everything under the line of stars from the description to your foreword since they’re not exactly, or actually, not a part of the story’s description. The AN (author’s note) is usually inside the foreword so that’s settled. While for the short introduction or what I see as a short prologue of the story could most likely be moved to the very end of the description or written in a new chapter, as a prologue, that’s it.

 
Plot(s) - 15/30

It’s the typical ‘I’m a poor girl so I’ll just work in a big company and soon get into a situation where I’ll have to marry the CEO and went through a life’s drama before I live happily ever after.’, cliché kind of story. Of course it is neither a sin nor a fault to write such story, but it will result in getting lower marks because it’s common and not really a new thing for readers.
 

I am not quite satisfied, even with the first chapter, because it was quite unrealistic. At the very first chapter, she went to the company and got received for the PA (personal assistant) job in an instant. Hana helped her a lot as what I can see, so is she someone important inside the company or what? The process went too fast until she finally meet eyes with Kris for the first time after some simple procedures. The second chapter makes me think that if it that’s easy to apply for a job; maybe in such a young age I am right now, I can go and apply for one as well right now. He only asked for a name and the reason why Sora came before saying like 0.1/10 of what she have to do as an assistant. Then, he suddenly demands to be called Kris outside of work. There are some bosses in this world that are like him but that’s only if they’re over-friendly or is a dummy, since they trust their workers too much in just a few minutes after their first meeting with them. And you see, when Sora went inside Kris’s car, there’s like no hesitation at all. Even in dramas, they (the girls) will usually say no or what, decline and decline until they finally stop the push and pull game, but it’s as if Sora is riding inside a car of her old best friend. Kris asked for his home address next. Was it really that simple and easy?
 

The third chapter, he gave her a ride home and casually gives his phone number away to Sora. This actually makes me think that Kris and Hana are partners in crime and have something evil planned together for Sora. So I think it’s normal for people to think that someone is cute at first or second sight but it’s normally when they’re doing something unexpected, surprising or when they’re sleeping or struggling in doing something but Sora thought he’s cute just because he went to his office, that’s rare and somehow, very absurd.
 

Next, let’s discuss about the fourth chapter. Kris’s POV is much more realistic here, since you don’t say about Sora’s visual, yet Kris keep on staring at her makes me think like ‘Oh, she must be a goddess.’ and yes, it’s only normal for people to go after faces. But the part where he suddenly gets mad at Sora makes it all seems to be kind of off or out of the story because people don’t get jealous that much and that very, very easily especially since it’s their only second day together. Plus the sharing stuffs? And here I am thinking that every rich CEO out there wants nothing but privacy, first and foremost.

 

Let’s go fast forward and I shall comment fully about the plots now. I understand that this is your first story, and you also wrote your first or bed scene in the same story, but what I want to see is a steady, clear and good plot. To your readers, you already have all that but let me be strictly honest; it isn’t exactly fulfilling or satisfying. The events set are more likely to be seen in dramas so they are fairly good enough however most of them are somehow not logical at all.

 

How can one make love to the other when it hasn’t even been like a week since they’re together, and to go straightly for marriage? I don’t know if that’s even really possible. Here’s what I think would be good advices for you.
 

One, you can try to re-arrange the plots. When Kris and Sora did starts to fall in love? Is it too fast or will it be millions of years later? And find the right time for Jongin to appear. You know, in most cases, the third main will usually come when they’re at their happiest moment, or even if the third main was there from the beginning, he or she would start the plan at some specific times. The story is too straightforward.
 

Two, try making it more realistic. Think, do CEOs trust their workers that easily, that deep, that much? Don’t you think they’ll be afraid of betrayals, even backstabbers? And really, no one, especially the CEOs themselves will be giving their workers a ride home on their first encounter with each other. There will be doubts and questions; there will be mistrust and misunderstandings.
 

Three, when writing a story, try to come up with steady plots first before publishing it to the public. It would not make people cringe when reading the story and also wouldn’t be filled with dark comments half as much as this.
You don’t have to re-write everything; don’t waste your time on that. Instead, you can edit them one by one; slowly, just take your time. It’s your story, your efforts, I’m only here to help and make it better, and I don’t have the intention in bringing your spirit down, but I don’t intend to lie either so I hope you understand.

 
Grammar/Spelling - 16.5/30

As for the spelling, I think I can assure you that there is hardly a mistake and even if there is, it would be only a minor one, so don’t worry about that area.
 

In contrary, your grammar says the opposite. I am not saying that your grammar is bad, or worst, it simply needs to be revised and checked again in order to clear of mistakes. The story has mixed tense. You sometimes go for past tense then suddenly it would be present tense then it will be switched back to past tense. Most of us here, especially the Asians don’t have English as our mother tongue so no one could hardly notice but it’s very visible in my eyes and I assume that I don’t have to explain back about what present, past, or past participle tense is, right? If you’re going for a beta reader, that’s a very excellent decision. Do a full editing, a full revision, it would not give you any harm but trust me it will benefits you. As I’ve said before, you don’t have to re-write everything. Do it slowly, one at time, I’m sure you can do it.
 

And I shall continue with the usage of;
 

“” - , - . - Capital letters, italic words and small letters.
You don’t put either “” or ‘’ when writing a line of dialogue most of the times, so it’s like you’re not writing a conversation but rather notes. There are reasons why those are used when you write a conversation in between the characters in your story and one of them is not to make the readers confused. It’s making people think like, ‘Okay, so are they talking to each other or what?’ and we certainly don’t want that, do we? It disturbs a reader’s attention when reading and they will stop reading eventually. But people are into s these days; half explain why even less popular stories have more views or subscribers.

The usage of coma and dot are the same. You sometimes forgot about the coma and the dot, or use them wrongly. Sometimes, the paragraphs get too long because you use the dots more than comas, yet still with the short updates. I am not complaining, but it would be better if your practice to have comas and lesser dots.

Next, it’s the usage of Capital letters and small letters. When starting a word, you should use capital and not small letters. I presume that you already know about this, don’t you? So I hope that maybe you’ll improvise and starts practicing on the usage of capital and small letters as well.

For italic words, when not used to really put a certain word into deep feeling, they are also for thoughts. Seeing how you’re using them for the dialogues, I suggest in changing them.

 
Characterization - 7/15

I don’t have much to say in this section, really. Readers understand what kind of characters your story has. The cold yet loving Kris, the poor yet lucky Sora and the devil and mad Jongin, not to mention his ual orientation as well. The characters do grow in each chapters but that’s it, if you can make them even more realistic other than to quick in falling love or trusting someone like there’s no tomorrow.

 
Flow - 2/5

Unfortunately, the flow of the story is going too fast. Everything is in such a fast pace, too straightforward, and I can’t do anything but to deduct the marks for it. Try to slow down a bit, because not everyone gets married in only a week after their first meeting. The time span is a bit off. Everything went by too quick, almost really too good to be true.

 
Enjoyment - 3/5

After calculating here and there, not leaving and other aspects, I really do think that your story could be much greater and better with improvisations. It is worth reading because I am a er for cliché stories, despite the short updates. Overall, it would be half and a half.

 
Final Score: 50.5/100

Reviewer’s Note(s):

That was quite a score, isn’t it? I’m sorry, I was being really strict and I tried my best to be really honest and sincere when reviewing. As you’ve said, I’m only human, and we’re not perfect. I would like to apologize for any mistakes, and if I offend or hurt your feelings, I deeply apologize again. I don’t mean to let you down or anything, I just want to help you improvise in writing and maybe something more? You can always ask for a review again, I will once again do my very best and I hope this review will give you something new to learn and that if it helps in any kind of way, I would be very happy. I wish to see you again, and don’t forget to request and come back to this shop anytime you want, and you can always reach for me through personal message or PM if you need any more help. Before I end this, I would like to say my apologies again for the very long delay. Life got me on my knees and school isn’t helping much either. Once again, thanks and I hope to see you again!

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