the happiness stimulator

MissLovergirl360

 

Title: [2/5]

 

The title is generally very cute. It’s pretty unique in my eyes and it’s also a lot of fun. However I think you mixed up the word stimulate with simulate. To stimulate something is to raise levels of activity in the body. Using a stimulant is pretty common in science, but in your story, you refer to a machine that creates a fake wonderland of happiness for Baekhyun, and by definition, the machine is a simulator. So I think your title is supposed to be The Happiness Simulator unless there was a specific reason you used the word stimulator instead.

 

Foreword/Description: [9/10]

 

There’s nothing wrong with the foreword or description content. I think my only advice is to move the information about the writing contest to somewhere in the description so that you can the content you have in the foreword will leave a lasting impression on the reader as they click the next button. However, that’s just my preference, so that’s totally optional.

 

Plot: [14/20]

 

For me personally, the plot is… okay. It’s an interesting idea and very sweet and fluffy. I think my biggest problem with it is how quickly it all happens. I felt like you knew what you wanted when writing it, but I think it’s still a little underdeveloped.

While I think everything that makes this story complete is there, there’s still more things that you could have added. It was slightly thin to me content wise.Baekhyun and Chanyeol got together a little too quickly for my tastes. Baekhyun had only met Chanyeol moments prior to the simulator experience and I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say that Chanyeol would appear in his happiness mirage.

 

There was nothing especially moving about the plot. Because it happened so quickly, it felt a little insincere.

 

I do appreciate you trying to get into Baekhyun’s head and giving us a look at his emotions, but I still think you could have gone much deeper into his emotions to make it more profound and relatable. Since the majority of the story is all Baekhyun and very miniscule Chanyeol, I think you should have had some more introspect on Baekhyun’s part. Introspect definitely would have made it more interesting without repeating that he was upset over and over. You go through what he feels at the moment, but we never really get deep inside his head to experience what he is. I think you should could consider adding some introspect and more depth into the emotions Baekhyun is going through. It could make it more relatable for your readers on a deeper level that allows them to get invested.

 

Flow: [17/20]

 

Like I mentioned before, the flow is very quick. That being said, your pacing of events was pretty okay. I think it was consistent enough throughout your entire piece. One event flowed smoothly into another, albeit quite quickly. Sometimes the quick transitions make the flow a little sharp and not as smooth.

 

And one thing I have a problem with is that you broke the fourth wall a couple times in your writing. Generally speaking, breaking the fourth wall in writing is more of a comedy thing. Since you stated your genre was slice of life, I feel like doing something like breaking the fourth wall doesn’t quite fit and jars the readers out of the atmosphere you’ve created for them. And I personally feel like something like breaking the fourth wall didn’t really belong in your story.

 

Character Development: [16/25]

 

There wasn’t much development from Baekhyun at all. He did not grow or learn anything throughout this piece. All that really happened for him was that he had a really rough day and had a happiness experience. He got over his ex-boyfriend within a day and then basically started dating Chanyeol later that day.

I find the development a little unrealistic for a slice of life story. There’s no consistent development in his emotions and there’s no peak in his emotions either. There’s really no movement with his character, it stays flat more than less.

 

Grammar and Spelling: [14/15]

 

Your grammar and spelling were relatively okay, there was nothing that really stood out and got in the way of understanding the story. However, I will say to be careful of your verb tenses! There are times where you use present tense instead of past tense and that can sometime bother a reader.

 

And also, there were a couple times where you used words incorrectly. For instance, you used the word “whirl” like a noun like whirlwind, but whirl is actually a verb. It’s just small things I would pay attention to for consistency’s sake.

 

Overall Enjoyment: [3/5]

 

It was an idea that I thought was nice.

 

Total: [75/100]

 

Good job! I think you’ve got lots of potential! Keep up the good work and keep on polishing your skills and I’m sure you’ll do really well in the future!

 

upperclass themes 2014 ©