Chapter Thirty Four

Stay With Me Forever – Taeyang Ft. G-dragon (Rise 2014)

Jiyong POV

August 26, 2015

“When that happens would you still be G-dragon? Or better yet, would I still be Dara of 2NE1?”

Jiyong couldn’t find his voice after that anymore. He certainly didn’t know how to explain himself since he barely remembered that night anyway. All he could recall was that sure he said them but he didn’t mean it the way she understood. If he tries to say anything now it will sound like an excuse…

“Dara that’s—“

Dara pushes him off so she wouldn’t feel cornered. “It doesn’t matter… it’s over so whatever.” She was stumbling away from him headed towards the door.

He immediately grabs her wrist holding it tightly from either stopping her from falling or leaving but mostly to have her just let out whatever is in her mind. He knows her too well that she would keep these things bottled up until all these start to explode when she drinks far too much that her filter disappears. Usually that means she’s drank way past her limit… he is rather surprised that she’s still awake let alone standing straight.  “No,” he said firmly, he was holding on to her now so she wouldn’t fall since she almost stumbled again.

She was trying her best to free herself from his grasp but with her state of nonsobriety that only meant that she was weak. “Yah!” she yells at him.

“You are here to talk, so talk. Tell me.” He said softly since he didn’t want to upset her even further.

She finally stopped squirming and just glared at him, “It’s like you were broken up about it anyway. You started dating again right after we broke up, so once again what I want to say doesn’t matter.”

He clenched his teeth and tried to hide the fact that this statement certainly ticked him off. He had that feeling this was going to be brought up, yet the way she said it had bothered him so much. “Whether or not I dated right after we broke up, it does not mean that I didn’t care for you or love you… or that our relationship did not matter to me all.”

Her eyebrows met in confusion since she was positive that wasn’t what she had said, “I didn’t say that.” She defended herself.

He just ignored what he said since he knows what she had meant on her earlier statement was the fact that there were photos of Kiko and him that surfaced in Phuket, Thailand. It was supposed to be a trip that Dara and Jiyong had planned out six months before they broke up. And he had an explanation for that.

It was a coincidence that Kiko was there.

Jiyong was on a destructive behavior that it had spiraled after Dara and Jiyong broke up. He would be too embarrassed to even admit to it now or say it out loud. He buried himself with work far too much just to distract himself but after every concert or hiding in the studio but when everything calms down with his life that is when the pain that he tries his best to bury behind the darkness in his mind and heart always resurfaces to no fail. The only thing he could do to numb down the darkness is alcohol.

No one really liked how Jiyong changed after the break up. He had become too dependent on the alcohol to forget the pain of being heartbroken that eventually the drinking didn’t just numb the pain but brought on a certain darkness to Jiyong. He would very much admit that he regretted that month of their break up because he himself couldn’t even recognize what he is doing… he was just doing his best to forget...

This only happened when he was in Japan though because it was easier to go around Japan without having to be too careful but that meant that he was rarely in Korea. Actually he was only in Korea for two days in the month of December, he was hiding in Japan where he couldn’t see her.

So, in those days when Bigbang doesn’t require his services he goes out with his friends drinking till the club closes. He was wasted away doing things that he knows Dara would never approve of. He couldn’t stop himself from doing it, it was just as if his senses had left his body and it was just doing autopilot. Though he was smart enough to stay away from recreational activities but he was so wasted most of the time might as well make it like he’s high all the time.

He was on a fast road to self-destruction even s have talked to him so many times about his dark vices but no one could reach to him. Because technically, it isn’t affecting his performance or his attitude when it comes to being part of Bigbang and for the VIPs… so the boys had just let him hoping that he would recover from this heart ache soon.

This is also the biggest reason why he didn’t break up with Kiko even when his feelings aren’t strong enough for her he stayed with her because in a way it was Kiko who never left his side during these dark moments. Even no matter late her shoot or how early her next schedule would be she’d always stay with Jiyong until he stops partying or pass out from too much drinking.

He didn’t even mind her at all. He would just go on his way doing whatever is necessary to numb down the pain. If he didn’t have a schedule or practice or the concert on that day then he’d just start drinking once he wakes up…

He did this for 3 weeks almost. It was three days before Christmas that he had finally woken up from his auto pilot state. He didn’t even know how it came about but all he could just clearly remember was Kiko crying.

He didn’t even know why she was crying, or why he was holding a full bottle of vodka… though really he had always been on auto pilot when he’s not G-dragon.

He just wanted to be G-dragon the whole time, he can hide his pain through his music and his passion in performing but after that when he has to go home and remember that there isn’t any one to call after a performance, to be able to share the fact that he feels this way. He didn’t want to bother anyone by it…

He didn’t want to be Kwon Jiyong because Kwon Jiyong is broken…

December 23, 2013

“Kiko—“ he clears his throat not sure how to react. How can she cry the tears that he needs to shed? He jealous and at the same time he was ashamed of himself.

“Seeing you like this… I want to carry the pain for you. Anything, just so you can feel better. I want to—“ she was sobbing too much that she had collapsed on the floor as she had started hyperventilating.

It took him a second to react. He immediately tosses the full bottle of vodka onto the chair behind him and knees down in front of her. He was hesitant at first but he puts an arm around her so she can cry in his arms.

“Stop acting like no one cares about you because that’s a lie! You obviously wouldn’t be doing this in Korea because you know no one would let you. Well there are many people who care about you. You are so wrong into thinking there isn’t… you are so wrong…”

“I’m sorry.” He said quietly as now everything she had just said is forming blurry memories in his mind. Kiko had always been there for him all this time. She is actually the reason why he’s back at the hotel safely and making absolute sure he wouldn’t do anything he’d regret during his drunken state.

How naïve could he be thinking that it’s him… all this time… how could he have been so blind.

“If I could take the pain away… I want to… if only I can help you that way. Just so you can stop all of this…” she grabbed on his collar and shook him furiously as if finally letting out her frustrations about the situation.

He was still mum. He didn’t know that it affected her this much. He wanted to know why it would… though there was a voice in his head that told him he was an idiot. Of course he knew why, he just didn’t want to think about it too much. Not ever—not that way.

He had been pathetic the past three weeks. He figured he’d snap out of it soon from fall deeper into the destructive mode he was spiraling in. He was actually thinking that it would be Youngbae that would bring him back or drag him out. but unexpectedly that it was Kiko to actually deal with the pain; to start living with it and not run away like what he’s been doing. Though he is thankful he is feels terrible that she is the one crying for him… and most of all he’s furious at himself because someone is feeling his pain.

“I’m so sorry Kiko,” was all he could say. He was just holding Kiko as she had fallen asleep crying all the tears that she could.

When he was positive that she had fallen asleep, he then carried her so she could lay on his bed. It’s the least he could do for her since he couldn’t really offer anything else.

He finally made a decision to at least to live day by day like a normal person and not be a zombie anymore. He cannot go this path because this could lead to a certain destruction that he couldn’t even comprehend. He probably did something that had led to Kiko’s breakdown and sad thing is he doesn’t remember anything…

Well he doesn’t recall anything he does the past three weeks and he is sort of glad that he doesn’t because he feels ashamed of it. He knows one thing for sure, he needs to reflect on his actions and maybe at some point a self rehab… if that makes any sense.

He realized that the reason why he couldn’t cry is that he just let Dara go without a fight, he only said ‘If that’s what you want…’

So he truly felt that the tears or the emotions he would feel would be a complete waste. The tears would be useless…

He had made a promise to himself a while back to support any decision she makes. He didn’t have to like it but he just have to live with it.

Like now…

He yawns.

If he only knew that he just needed a minute or two to deal with this instead of ignoring the pain for the past few weeks then he should have at least faced this sooner. He was able to succumb to sleep not a few seconds later while dreaming of his memories of Dara yet this time he had woken up, it didn’t bring him pain but a smile on his face because even though the break up got him broken up he was still lucky that she was in his life.

He just wished that he was able to stay with her longer…

Jiyong opened his eyes feeling refreshed, this is the most he had in a while. This day was definitely going to be a different day…

He went out of the hotel room to get him and Kiko a fresh cup of coffee, since she was still fast asleep.

When he got back to the hotel room, the door opened before he even tried to. Kiko was at the door panicking and then relief washed on her face when she saw him.

“Hi,” he said with a smile and he handed her the hot cup of coffee. He knew why she was scared, she had thought he left again…

She blinks as she accepts the cup. She steps back so he can walk in the room. “Um, thanks.”

“Listen, I do want to say thank you for everything you had done for me these— well, you know.” He didn’t really need to state it all since it was either he doesn’t remember or is too embarrassed to say them but he needed to start somewhere, “I definitely needed it. I am sorry though that you had to suffer because of me.”

She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, “It’s the least I could do.”

“You didn’t need to do anything.” He walks over towards her and puts an arm around her for a hug, “But never the less, I still thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

He steps away and takes a sip of the coffee.

“Are you going back to Korea now?” she asks after a few moment of silence.

He turns to look at her since he was surprised by her question since it was too random. “What?”

She smiles for the first time this morning since she was just watching him carefully. “It’s just seeing that you’re better. You are probably going back to see your family now.” normally, during this time Jiyong would be drinking alcohol or anything irished drink but right now it's clear that whatever he is drinking is alcohol free, and that aura around him was like himself again.

He pursed his lips together and shakes his head, “I thought about it, but I need to go on a self-reflection first before I go home. So I know what I did wrong before my mother scolds me.” he mentally cringes he can already tell what his mother would say and it wouldn’t be good.

“Ah,” she nods. “Where you going for Christmas then?”

“I might just go to the vacation Dara and I are supposed to go.”

“The one in Thailand?”

He nods, it seemed like a waste of vacation and accommodation if he doesn’t go. Not that he doesn’t have money to spare but he needs that time by himself before he faces his family.

She then laughed and said, “I’m actually going to Bangkok with a friend of mine for Christmas eve.”

He raised an eyebrow, he hasn’t heard of this when he told her about this months ago. He was pretty excited about this trip with Dara then. “If you are there just to plan to baby sit me… Enjoy your vacation instead.” He knows it takes about 2 hours for flight from Bangkok to Phuket.

She rolls her eyes and walks off leaving Jiyong confused behind her. She returns with her phone and she opens her phone app showing her flight itinerary that was bought before Dara and him broke up. “I’m not a stalker…”  She said proudly.

He laughs, “I didn’t say you were.”

“I know, besides, you can do your self-reflection all you want. God knows you need it.”

He pretends to be hurt by her comment and he shakes his head, “Way to kick me when I’m down…”

She just smiles pretending to not hear what he had said. “It’s not like we should have out the entire time but lunch or something.”

He thinks about it and realizes that it doesn’t seem like a bad idea, “Christmas dinner or lunch, wouldn’t hurt I think.” Since honestly he doesn’t want to spend Christmas alone.

Boy was he wrong…

January 10, 2014 (this was mentioned in Chapter 29)

“Dara,” Jiyong said carefully as Minzy came out of the recording booth. She had already did her part so it’s Dara’s turn. It was actually the first time he acknowledged Dara’s presence since she entered the studio.

“Fighting, unnie.” Minzy said to lighten the mood of the room since the whole entire time it had been electrifyingly quiet to the point that no one dared to utter a word because it might break the glass of awkwardness that both Dara and Jiyong built.

“Hmmm…” Dara grumbles as the walks in the booth.

Minzy sits behind Jiyong and leans her head on Chaerin, “Is it just me or it got colder in here.” She wraps her arms around her and rubs her arms.

It was Park Bom who responded, “It’s a different kind of cold.” She was the only one who didn’t seem to be bothered by the uncomfortable aura in the room. She was actually more annoyed than uncomfortable, even throwing nasty stares at Jiyong.

“Unnie,” Chaerin hissed at Bom who just shrugged.

Teddy cleared his throat to quiet the unnecessary noises. “Dara, we can start at your part.”

Jiyong clenched his teeth when Dara just grunted a nod. This is the first time he’s in the same room with Dara ever since their break up. Both of them would just try their best to not see each other and lately it gotten worse especially after the photos of Kiko and Jiyong in Phuket surfaced.

He wanted to explain to Dara what happened but for some reason, she would just glare at him or completely ignore him. This is a definite sign that Dara is furious at him. This is why he wants to speak to her but he had never gotton a chance.

And then this happened. YG-sajangnim wanted Jiyong to produce a song for 2NE1’s new album that is going to come out in a month. This was supposed to planned late last year but Jiyong got really busy, and the only free time was after Bigbang's Japan dome tour. He sought out Teddy for the song and for some reason Teddy’s choice was this one. Good to You.

He had written this song awhile back but didn’t get to show it to Dara yet, and Teddy thought this track would match 2NE1 than the other recent songs he wrote.

“Jiyong,” Teddy’s voice brought out Jiyong from his deep thoughts. He seemed annoyed since he had said Jiyong’s name more than once to get his attention.

“Hyung?” Jiyong said blank