Chapter Seventeen 

Blue – Bigbang (Still Alive 2012)

Dara POV

July 18, 2015

She really needs to stop listening to the radio, or maybe until Bigbang promotions slow down. Every time she hears If You it feels like she’s cheating on Jay when she clearly has done nothing wrong and it’s not like Jay hasn’t mentioned anything about it… The reason why she feels like this is the fact that Jay had said something.

Dara and Jay were sitting on the couch at his apartment one evening. They haven’t really seen each other for a week almost, Jay has been preparing for his comeback so the time spent between them had lessened. She was browsing through the channels trying to figure out what to watch while Jay was on his mobile probably still busy with work even though he has the night off.

She didn’t mind though, sitting in comfortable silence is better than not seeing him at all. She had finally decided to just stay on a show she doesn’t know what about, it’s just noise she can take a quick rest. She knows Jay will be on his tablet most of the night, she can catch up on some rest too. She scoots on the side so she can lay her head on his right leg. Her eyes were fixed to the television trying to figure out what she’s watching.

Her eyes were slowly drifting to sleep when she heard Jay make a noise with his nose when he’s nervous but not wanting to be obvious. She turns and looks at him, waiting.

“Bigbang’s If You are apparently still has achieved and all kill on it’s second week, it also hit number 1 on the billboards world charts.” He said as if he was reading off an article.

Dara could swear her heart had stopped beating and even though Jay’s eyes are on his phone he is actually watching her reaction so she should do well as to not react any differently. This is actually the first since Bigbang’s comeback that Jay had talked about any of their songs, well ­no she takes it back, he mentioned Loser was a powerful song for a comeback from being on a 3 year break. But not ever since so with If You, anyone who has known the history between Dara and Jiyong would just tend to assume that the song is for Dara.

She mentally took a breath and counted from five before she spoke again, “I guess so. I heard it at the office today. The boys are doing really well with their mini albums.” Dara said calmly she had also tried to make sure her voice wouldn’t sound so professional which is obviously failing. “I saw Seungri the other day, he said they weren’t expecting much and was glad they were getting good results. Poor kid hasn’t had proper sleep in weeks.” Dara added almost immediately since she knows that Jay and Seungri has a very good relationship considering.

“Ah,” Jay said.

Dara can see the struggle he is having. He really doesn’t want to say anything but he was just really curious. He is always so level headed and calm but when it comes to Jiyong he tries his best to stay the same but it couldn’t be helped. Here it comes, Dara be ready for it. She tells herself to keep her expressions at bay there isn’t really a need for him to have a bad mood he is already have stress to deal with at the studio.

“Has Jiyong tried to talk to you any, again?” He asked carefully.

She had told him about the elevator incident. He was also the one that suggested that he wouldn’t mind if the two would be friends again if that is what she is worried about but she said that it was other reasons. “No.” that’s a lie. She said to herself angrily. She didn’t know why she didn’t tell Jay about Jiyong giving her a ride home, she thought it wasn’t needed. “They have just been too busy with their world tour that I barely even see the others too.”

“Ah surprised he hasn’t tried yet,” He mumbles to himself incoherently not knowing Dara heard him loud and clear.

And as stupid as she is, she instinctively said “What?” Then she chewed the inside of her cheek cursing herself mentally.

He looks into her eyes as if contemplating if he should say it again or not. He shakes his head, “it’s nothing, go back to sleep.” His voice sounded relieved more than anything. He plants a soft kiss on the tip of her nose only to be pulled by his shirt so his lips can meet hers. It took him a second to realize what just happened and when he did, boy did her kiss her with much passion and a tiny hint of possession. In fact he has never kissed her like this before, he was always so careful with her.

When they broke apart she was breathless, “Okay.” She almost stuttered then turned towards the television to pretend to sleep when in reality she felt horrible. She wanted nothing than to find Jiyong and possibly hurt him…

Jay is not the jealous type compared to Jiyong who apparently has a list of all Dara’s fan boys in the back of his head to give them dirty looks if he finds them. Jay didn’t even mind that she still hangs out with Kiyong after his almost confession. Jay even laughed at her reminding why she needed to be careful and not be too clingy because she sends out the wrong idea. So when Jay mentioned Jiyong when he knows that a sensitive topic between them she knows that she should do her best to avoid Jiyong which shouldn’t be too hard since Bigbang MADE tour and infinity challenge between GDYB. And that if Jiyong is in the studio she doesn’t go to work or make sure Kiyong is with her.

And this isn’t like it’s the first song Jiyong has written for Dara while they were broken up, he had written a couple songs for her on Alive and on his mini album One Of A Kind but the difference then is in a third party’s eyes their break up is nonexsistent when in reality Jiyong and Dara weren’t actually back together. They were just acting like they like a couple because of how they were mostly inseparable ever since Jiyong’s drug scandal came out. If Dara has free time Jiyong would be there or she would be at Jiyong’s parents’ house. When Bigbang had won their EMA award for Best Worldwide act in 2011, the company had decided to continue their preparations that they had started before Jiyong’s scandal in October for the boy’s comeback for March.

December 15, 2011

“Chincaro Jiyong, if this is your great idea of fun. I’m going to go home.” Dara said as she just let Jiyong drag her to the studio rooms. She had just came from her recoding almost all day today and Jiyong promised her a nice hot meal after her day since was starting to get sore.

He holds at her wrist tighter thinking that she might actually leave, “I just want to show you something.”

She groans, “This better not take too long… I’m too hungry.” She whined as well and started stomping her foot loudly.

He rolls his eyes and laughs, “Why does it feel like I’ve never seen this side of you before.”

She smirks, “That’s because I was your girlfriend then, and I was being considerate of your feelings.” She wasn’t even afraid to be truthful. When she was Jiyong’s girlfriend it was easy for Jiyong to haul her around without any complaint because she just wanted to be where he was but since they just decided to just being friends there was no pretenses. Sure she spent time with Jiyong a lot but that didn’t mean she was always willing to do what he wants without a fight. Even the girls mentioned that they argue far too much like little children, though they call it flirting.

“And now?” he asks.

“Now? I’m starving.” She repeated again as Jiyong unlocks the door of his studio and opens it then gesturing her inside.

“Araso.” He nods. “It’ll be quick.” Then shuts the doors behind him as he puts his arms on her shoulders so he can push her towards the chair on the mix boards so can sit on it. Then he drags a chair so he can sit close to her and starts tinkering around to find a song.

She leans back on the chair she was either and started clicking her tongue impatiently. “We could have ordered by now already…” she sang lightly.

He ignores her statement as he finally found what he was looking for, “We finished this today.” He said with a smile proud of his work.

“Ohhh, another new best from G-dragon and I get to hear it first again. Play it sunbaenim…” Dara said excitedly as she scooted her chair close to him and then she started clapping.

“Okay, calm down…” he then started to pat her shoulder since she started to hop on her chair.  “We might put it on the next album, Blue…” He didn’t finished as the song started to play.

Dara closed her eyes so she can concentrate on the song. It started off with a soothing sound yet sadness in the first few beats. The song started with Jiyong’s voice…. And her heart started to beat as she listens the lyrics that she knows Jiyong had written.

gyeouri gago (The winter had passed)

bomi chajaojyo (And the spring has come)

urin sideulgo (We have withered)

geurium soge mami meongdeureotjy (And our hearts are bruised from longing)

(i’m singing my blues)…

“Oh, that kind of blue…” She mumbled to herself. She didn’t really know what to think after Jiyong had said the title. Certainly feeling blue didn’t come to mind… why she thought it was the color…

He snickers, “What else do you think it is?”

She opens her eyes and frowns at him, “Shh, I’m listening…” she slaps Jiyong’s palm that was on her arm chair. She takes his hand and squeezes it but he didn’t let go of her hand as she continues to listen to the song.

naega motna sumneun geoya (It's cowardly but I'm hiding because I'm not good enough)

janinhan ibyeoreun sarangui mallo (Cruel breakup is like the end of the road of love)

A part of the song that that hit her, no matter how she tries to forget it… they indeed have a terrible break up. They don’t ever talk about it but there’s that moment that hung in the air waiting to be mentioned. Obviously this isn’t a healthy way to do but she’d rather keep his friendship than not have him in her life at all. At some point there might be a time when he probably wouldn’t ask for anything else but at least he’s there. She is now physically aware of Jiyong caressing the inside of her wrist with his thumb. She can feel her pulse raise against her neck that she had to breathe out to calm down it was hard to concentrate on the songs, even though it’s Bigbang’s voice that singing it was obvious that the words of the song was from Jiyong’s heart…

taeeonaseo neol mannago (I was born, I met you)

jugeul mankeum saranghago (and I have loved you to death)

parake muldeureo sirin nae maeum (My cold heart that has been dyed blue)

neoneun ddeonado nan geudaero itjanha (Even if you’ve left, I’m still here)

With that her eyes snapped opened, and her eyes were watering. Jiyong always loved sharing his stories through his songs. When they were still dating he used to tell the story behind the song he had just written. She listened with an open mind but that was when she was his girlfriend hearing his stories was her privilege but now that they were broken up she isn’t sure if she still wanted to hear stories about his ex-girlfriends when she is one of them now. She wasn’t sure how she’s react if he would tell the behind the reason of writing this song… it might hurt too much especially if it’s not her.

“I—I…” she stutters. She didn’t realize that Jiyong was watching her carefully reading into her expressions. His light brown eyes gazing into hers, it reminded her of moments when they would just sit in the room quietly and just stare at each other with no awkward silence like the last few months of their relationship.

He scooted his chair closer and leaned forward so he could be a couple inches away from her, “It's cowardly but I'm hiding because I'm not good enough,” He quotes his part softly. The way he said it was definitely in truth that the song was for her and no one else.

“Jiyong-ah,” She breathes not sure how to react. She isn’t even sure what response she’s supposed to give if he’s about to say what she thinks he might say.

“I know I’ve put you through so much this year. And no matter how many times I’d apologize or repent for all my faults, I recognize it isn’t enough. I am trying my best to be a good man deserving of you.” He started slowly, his eyes were steady gazing into hers so she can see the sincerity in his words. “You told me once that I need to figure out what’s wrong with me before I can even try to—.” He clears his throat as the memory of the break up still stings for both of them, he lightly touches the side of her hair lingering on her the tips of her trying to word out what is in his heart. “And baby girl, I slowly trying to get there. I am just asking for time if I even have any right to ask. I just hope I won’t be too late when I finally find myself.”

Dara swallows her tears, she has no idea how to answer him. She didn’t want to tell him that she’ll always wait for him because that might deem her desperate… but that fact that she has been on his side through his scandal when she doesn’t really have to, wouldn’t that be the answer to what he had said? “Okay,” was all she could muster as his words were still trying to sink in.

He smiles at her and leans in more, he lifts his chin and places a long yet soft kiss on her forehead. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.” he whispered against her hair.

She sighs, even though they see each other frequently that it would be crazy that he’d say he missed her but she understood the hidden words behind them. He had missed being with her as much as she did as well. But he is right, he has still yet a few things to figure out because there are still certain times he’d just randomly go into his dark place that was the culprit of their break up. “I missed you too.” she replies truthfully.

After a few beats he pulls away finally and wipes a tear that had fallen from her eye, “Miane… I didn’t mean to.”

She didn’t even notice that she was crying. She immediately buried her palm on to her eye to dab anymore tears that would plan to fall. She cursed at them silently. Then she smirked trying to lighten the mood, “This better not be a good excuse for you to forget you promised me dinner.” She squints at him and points at him accusingly.

He blinks in disbelief and then the same second he laughs like a heart booming laughter, “here I am pouring my heart out and all you can think of is food?” he says in between laughter. He was covering his mouth and holding his stomach so he wouldn’t fall out off. “Aigoo…” he wipes off a tear from laughing out too much.

She couldn’t help but just smile thankful that it’s not awkward, “Well, just being truthful.”

He shakes his head and turns around to turn to start tinkering with the mixing board, “Alright, alright. What do you want to eat?”

She scoots the chair so she can peep through the computer, “Anything sounds good about now unless you still have anything else to show me?” she rests her chin on his shoulder.

He looks at her and plants a quick kiss on her forehead, “No.” He said rather too quickly as if he had something to show her but he decides against it. “Let me shut this down a second, then maybe we can go get some really good ramen I know this new place. Seungri told me it’s good.”

“Okay…” she says slowly seeing that there is a couple songs on the list she hasn’t heard yet. Alive and Bad boy. She wanted to ask about it but just decided that if he’ll share it if he wants to. She had lost those privileges with knowing everything about him since they broke up. “Ramen sounds amazing.”

“Ready to go?” He stands up and reaches out his hand to help her up.

She nods and slaps her palm on his so she can stand up. She hops up. “Ready!” she said enthusiastically.

Later that night she gets back to the dorms, as soon as she walks in she was greeted by three loud girls playing scrabble. It was a good way for girls to brush up on their English. “Wifey-unnie!!” Chaerin greeted.

“If you want to eat we have food in the fridge, unnie.” Minzy said as she finally put in her letter then she made a whopping noise when she had gotten a triple word score.

“I am sure she already ate with Jiyong already,” Bom said uninterestedly as she was trying to pick through the blocks of letters.

Dara chose to ignore that since she always gets torments and teases from the girls when she would just come home from hanging out with Jiyong. She grabs bottle of water from the fridge and walks over towards them, then sits on the couch behind Chaerin. “Who’s winning so far?” she said as she drank her water.

“Me!” Minzy said excitedly as she wave the paper with the scores.

Chaerin rolled her eyes, “You got lucky…”

“So…” Bom’s voice sang in a high pitched voice it was obvious she was going to ask about Jiyong. “What did you and the great G-dragon do tonight?”

Dara refused to look Bom’s way because she knows that the six dimensional girl has this smile on her face that she finds annoying as if there was an innuendo in every look she has, “We had ramen at that restaurant down the street but before that he made me listen to one of the tracks they finished recording today.” Dara then wanted to bite her tongue for walking in to more teasing from the girls.

“Oh yeah? The songs are pretty amazing and catchy as well. We heard